It takes at least two people to be related to each other. It is similar to a game where at least two persons are needed to play, except the games in a computer where the computer replaces the other player, or in solitaire, a card game, where all 52 cards play against you and you have no chance to win the game unless you cheat.
In my good old school days, we were always supposed to start an essay with the definition of the subject. If we were writing an essay on a horse, we would all invariably begin with a sentence like, “A horse is a quadruped.”
If I write about my family today, I will write, “A family is made of relatives.” There are two kinds of relatives, born relatives and relatives made by law. Let’s begin with born relatives. When you are born, some of the born relatives already exist. For example, your mother is always there. She is the most important person for the event. Though the father is not less important, he is not always visible.
Under the category of born relatives you can count your maternal and paternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters and cousins, who will keep growing in number through your teenage years, till the nephews and nieces are there to take their places.
These relatives are for life. Your parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, cousins, nephews and nieces, they are there till death do you part. Those born relatives also have born rights. The grandparents have a right to spoil their grandchildren by taking their side when they break the rules made by their parents.
The uncles and aunts have a right to give them the advice that they themselves never followed. In a nutshell, if they are older than you, they have a right to command you to do things you don’t like to do. If they are younger, they have a right to cajole or beg you to do things you don’t like to do.
The relatives of the second kind, called in-laws are different. You choose one person, like your husband or wife, and the whole lot comes with them, no matter what! You often want to do less and less with those relatives. It is called the law of diminishing relativity. If you want to get rid of them, you have to seek help from the law. That is why they are called in-laws. Some people think that the person who likes his in-laws should be called an “outlaw.” I am not one of them.
After reflecting a great deal, I have come to the conclusion that relatives are given to us for no other reason than to marvel at God’s creations, called human beings, and to wonder at the weirdness of their nature. To prove my point, I would like you to meet one of my relatives — my cousin ‘Wretched’
In every family there is a cousin, an aunt or an uncle, like my cousin Wretched. If she is healthy it is her own doing, if she is sick it is somebody else’s food or polluted air or nasty weather. If she is early at an important party it is because she is smart, but if she is late for a sightseeing excursion, it is somebody else’s fault!
She blames her father for furnishing her with a beak-nose, her mother for giving her a colourless complexion. Her great-great-grandfather, she says was so stupid as to migrate from a beautiful country like Persia to a country where she has to put up with silly people. She earnestly believes that she was born pretty (in spite of her nose and complexion), but her mother did not know how to polish her. She was born a prodigy, but her teachers did not know how to exploit her genius. She could write poetry, but her standard was so high that nobody’s mind could reach it. She thinks she is extremely witty, but women are so jealous of her that they do not laugh at her jokes out of spite. They even forbid their men to laugh at them.
She does not lift a finger to help anybody, but takes all the credit for the work other people do. If you make something for her, taking great pains, she will boast that she was the one who thought of asking you to paint a picture, or sew a gown or knit a sweater for her. If anybody in the family buys a house, she was the one who suggested that it was the ripe time for them to buy a house. If somebody loses 15 pounds, panting and perspiring at a gym, she takes the credit for telling her where to go.
She never goes to the airport to welcome her relatives or friends who come from her country, never invites anybody to stay with her for a few days, but she always claims to be the first to tell them to come to the ‘land of opportunities’. My cousin Wretched truly believes that it is possible to be perfect, if only everyone follows her footsteps, or God makes everyone in her image — just improving complexion and nose a trifle bit.
And she is always right about everything in the world, from international and national politics to what chutney to use with what dish. Hers are the last words in every conversation at home, in a meeting and at a family gathering.
We never get any gifts from her except the expensive advice she bestows on us in abundance. The advice is so peculiar that we cannot pass them to others like a gift fruitcake, because everybody would recognize her special stamp on them.
