IT was 2.00am, the time when all the netizens meet. My friend Naheed and I were online, chatting about this and that. All of a sudden, she started ranting about George Bush (Jr) — she has every right to do so as she suffers the leadership (if it can be called that) of Mr Bush and pays his government the taxes she doesn’t want to. Naheed went ballistic over the infamous Axis of Evil speech. She was against it because she thought it would invoke unnecessary antagonism that the world certainly doesn’t need at this point.
I, on the other hand, didn’t mind him labelling any country evil, as long as the axis is congruent in any way. Iran is a democracy; Iraq’s is a single-party government and North Korea is an authoritarian regime. They are not even in geographical proximity, so the ‘axis’ doesn’t really make any sense. Naheed hated my argument and declared that it is the half-witted media — read journalists — who give his idiotic statement such out-of-proportion coverage. I then said that it was the stupid American public (Naheed included) who voted him to office that attached importance to his words.
This war of the words was on when another friend of ours, who teaches English to high school students in Dubai, joined us on MSN. Sara had her own complaints against Bush and his Axis of Evil. Her students, who never bothered to understand the intricacies of English, became interested in the language and wanted to know the correct usage of the word ‘evil’ — both as an adjective and a noun — and that, too, on a day when their teacher was not prepared.
That conversation gave me the idea of forming my own axis of evil. So the next day, I came up with my own list of ‘evil’ that is not exactly evil.
The first was axis of evil teachers that comprised three teachers who made not only mine but so many other lives miserable. One was the extremist who doesn’t want his students to wear jeans or drink Pepsi. Second member of the axis was an airy-fairy who always used to ask her students: “Kal kiya parhaya tha?” (What did I teach you yesterday) and gave us the same lecture, day in day out, for the whole year. Then there was the emotionally unstable one who was in the habit of breaking down in front of her students during lectures and used to take extra classes at the end of the term to make up for the lost time.
The most prominent member of the axis of evil colleagues is the one who refuses to order her own lunch for she is on diet, but always eats a major portion of my lunch. Next is the guy who can’t stop talking about his student days and farangi girlfriend, even though he is about to retire. Finally, the co-worker who complains that all the girls are after money because every girl he has ever known has ditched him. After seeing him, you won’t blame the girls.
Then there is axis of evil relatives that consist of the mumani (maternal aunt) who always arrives unannounced for dinner, the cousin with nasty kids who try to kill your pet and break your mother’s favourite vase, as well as the chachi (aunt on the father’s side), who is the match-maker of the worst order.
Then there is the axis of evil multinationals that fleece you and your country. One sells a painkiller for Rs2 a tablet in your neighbouring country but sell the same tablet for Rs60 here, the other one advertises divine ice creams that are so rich that you gain a pound every time you watch its ad on TV and the last one sells pizza worth a few measly dollars in the US for Rs500 here.
Despite trying hard, I couldn’t come up with any axis of evil politicians. There are too many politicians who qualify for it (in fact, most of them are over-qualified) and an axis can’t have more than three members. It isn’t something that I said; it is a historical tradition. In World War II, the axis of evil comprised Germany, Italy and Japan, so my axis, too, cannot have more than three. I had to drop the idea.
Last but not least is the axis-evilly stupid. This axis is formed by 1600 Pennsylvania Street, DC, Secretary Rumsfield and of course, George Bush (Jr).
After accomplishing this feat, I felt pretty happy with myself. Now, I plan to write a book on ‘Make-it-yourself axis’ and make a bundle like so many other self-help gurus. Needless to say, I am unique. Is there any other guru who teaches you how to make your own axis of evil?!
IT was 2.00am, the time when all the netizens meet. My friend Naheed and I were online, chatting about this and that. All of a sudden, she started ranting about George Bush (Jr) — she has every right to do so as she suffers the leadership (if it can be called that) of Mr Bush and pays his government the taxes she doesn’t want to. Naheed went ballistic over the infamous Axis of Evil speech. She was against it because she thought it would invoke unnecessary antagonism that the world certainly doesn’t need at this point.
