April 27, 2008

                            Reviewed by Fauzia Mapara

Men and women are different and will continue to be that way. Some of us thank God that we’re old enough to accept that and no longer waste time asking impossible questions such as: Why can’t we communicate soulfully? Why can’t he like the perfume that I like? Why is that towel on the floor? What’s that on your face? Am I insane or is he born stupid?

If only we knew when we were younger what we know now. That men and women come from different planets, both of them filled with their own distinct ideas and shenanigans. Would women really want the touchy-feely types who fold their clothes neatly, put things away where they belong and do yoga? Would men really want to marry cricket-loving, back-slapping girls who can ‘hang out’ with them but can’t cook a decent meal or buy a half decent tablecloth? The divide between the sexes is still too great. Women like to analyse, ramble, split hairs, mull and obsess. While men like to stare at pictures of cars and cleavage.

Some of us will always be searching for answers to thousands of questions about what makes the other gender tick. It must have started with Adam and Eve and will probably go on till doomsday or, as they say, till death do them part! As long as men and women fall in love, fall out of love and are in relationships one way or the other, books will continue to be written in an attempt to solve their many issues.

When author John Gray wrote his multi-million copy bestseller Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus it was finally realised that the two beings are so different in their bodies and heads that they could be from different planets. Hence the book dealt with intriguing approaches on how to deal with each other in a relationship. Every good thing has a sequel that not only saturates people with whatever is popular at the time, but also to cash in on the impact of the antecedent. Hence the second in line to the ground-breaking book is here. Written by the same author, it is titled Why Mars & Venus Collide.

To the intelligent person or anyone who read the first book, there is no mystery to the second. Obviously there will be a collision because, as Gray has established quite convincingly, both partners belong to vastly different planets that is Mars and Venus. So the Martians and Venusians will be in conflict as many times as possible due to the lack of a positive way to understand the other’s different coping mechanisms.

Gray also propounds in his first book that men don’t listen. Women want empathy but men think they want solutions. Men feel women are trying to change them while women feel men don’t talk so the problems never get discussed. Their ways of dealing with stress are different.

In this second book the author focuses on the factors that lead to stressful situations which weigh heavily on relationships and actually are no direct fault of partners in a relationship. He shows how we can use everyday pressures to build greater intimacy with our loved ones and strengthen our relationships to make them last.

According to Gray, men and women respond to stress in unique ways; and the kind of support they need to relieve their stress is different as well. In the approximately 250 pages that comprise Why Mars & Venus Collide, he explores the different ways in which men experience stress as well as the best ways to cope and support each other. Whether single or in committed relationships, we are often to busy or too tired to sustain feelings of attraction, motivation or affection. Daily stresses drain our energy and patience and leave us feeling too exhausted to overwhelmingly support and entertain each other.

The book aims to provide new ways of understanding each other by following more effective strategies to create a healthy and happy relationship that will reduce stress levels. Gray believes that people in committed relationships have no real sense of how things affect their partner.

Most interesting is Gray’s insight on hormones, with Oxytocin being the ‘cuddle hormone’ that generates feelings of attachment. Perhaps medical researchers could come up with Oxytocin shots that could be prescribed for couples who seem to be heading for a breakup! But Gray has suggested ways for men to boost Oxytocin in women by making them feel loved and cherished.

The handy paperback would make interesting reading before bedtime, or on long flights and can even be used as a manual to  be consulted from time to time as it has some insightful revelations. However, most of the content focuses on basics that are more or less common sense, but which we tend to overlook in our fast-paced, stressful lives. The author has touched on issues that most readers can easily relate to.  They include: why talk is big with Venus, why women never forget a quarrel, how to avoid fights, how to work at the rough edges and how to declare time out in order to create harmony.

So for all of those people who just can’t seem to get things right in their relationship, this book has plenty to offer as long as you are prepared to accept that men and women are fundamentally different, and, as a next step, you are ready to change your approach to the entire man-woman saga. n