June 22, 2003

In the American spirit of “telling all” comes Toward Commitment, a frank and intriguing dialogue between two achievers on the contemporary US scene and their 42 married years together.

Diane Rehm, now 66, is a broadcaster whose voice is familiar across American households. For the last 20 years she has hosted the “Diane Rehm Show” on WAMU EM, Washington’s public radio station, a quality daily talk and discussion broadcast featuring current affairs, celebrities, news makers and commentators from across the human spectrum. Her voice sounds from a myriad living rooms and car radios and accompanies chores at the kitchen sink. John Rehm, a successful lawyer, who has worked both for the government and in private practice, chose to retire at 71. He now devotes his time to volunteer community service.

In this quite compelling discussion we follow a candid journey of a marriage that has survived — from the initial spark that brought them together — through child-rearing, in-laws, financial and emotional upheavals, to the final chapters which look unflinchingly at aging and death. Although a portrait of a specific marriage it touches a multitude of experiences close to any married couple that even if unintended the book can be of value as counsel to those who labour within a relationship which by its very nature makes crucial demands on the parties.

The joint authors have chosen an interesting, easily readable format for the 26 chapters, each of which explores a selected theme such as “Food”, “Grandparenting”, etc. Each consists of a short essay by John and Diane, followed by a dialogue where they address one another, bringing out individual perceptions, agreements and disagreements. A fascinating picture emerges of two different personality patterns. Diane and John come from quite diverse backgrounds. She a Christian of Arab immigrant stock had been previously married for three years in her own community. As a member of a large extended family, gregarious by nature, she yearned for wider experience and knowledge. John, six years her senior, was an only child, much cherished by the parents but also left alone with an aunt. He is a self-confessed loner, shunning emotional dependence on others. During the detached, at times clinical, dissection of their marriage the couple admit this trait of his caused serious pain to both. A chapter of the book is entitled “Solitude”.

Their educational backgrounds also differed considerably, Diane being a high school graduate while John completed college and law school. The reader is aware of an incisive mind of great integrity while following his testimony. He in turn expresses admiration for his wife’s appetite for learning. Both must be applauded for an allegiance to truth and honesty which shines from every page of the narrative which is not just about their mutual commitment but commitment to their fellow humans as they share the story of their marriage. Time and again it is asserted that the two children, born early in the marriage, have been the strongest cementing factor in their relationship. Observes Diane:

“...almost fifty per cent of marriages that take place today will end in divorce within five years.” She is of course speaking of the American scene. A determination to ensure that her children would have two parents motivated the capacity to adjust to the realities of mundane life, thus keeping the marriage intact.

John however questions, “Is there any reason why traditional marriage, consisting of a nuclear family, a husband, a wife, children, should continue to exist? Maybe we don’t need it anymore. Maybe right now we’re all searching for alternate ways to live together.” Elsewhere he says, “Mother Nature deliberately plays a trick on us...” He also discusses the romantic illusion linked to sexual attraction, and also recalls their ecstatic first intimate encounter. “... the whole world seemed to devolve into one union of one couple in one bed.”

Yet when entering their relationship nothing but a legal marriage was acceptable to either. Without a long term commitment their deepest needs could not be realized, nor was cohabitation outside marriage as common in their youth as it is today. Much desired, as the first child was, it brought an altered terrain; the sheer fatigue of caring for him meant a loss of romantic interest. The couple speak out their mutual resentment as their separate professional lives impinged on one another.

Perhaps inevitably, in the American scheme of things the resort to therapy was needed. The acknowledgments include the names of their counsellors. Diane and John feel that therapy helped save the marriage at a difficult time. The counsellor suggested a written contract “to be totally uncritical of each other”. The entire text of the eleven point contract is reproduced. It balances personal freedom with consideration for the spouse. “I will do my best to be loving and kind, warm and affectionate.” For this two-person adventure the pluses have triumphed over the negative factors. In a complex world peopled by complex individuals, commitment is the glue that holds all together.

John Rehm aptly describes marriage as “...a never ending process of exploration and growth.”

Toward Commitment: A Dialogue about Marriage
By Diane Rehm and JohnB. Rehm
Alfred Knopf
ISBN 0375414304
304pp. $24

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