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Everyone has their own theory on how to improve Pakistan. The typical answers are a concoction of removing the allegedly corrupt politicians, enforcing one's preferred Islamic ideology on the masses at large and a dash of lip service to this magical reservoir of talent that the youth apparently stores deep in the depths of their Facebook accounts.
I, on the other hand, (as I usually do) tend to disagree. If we rid ourselves of the politicians, what verifiable evidence do we have that the next lot would be any better? Though I can see why wishful thinking is an excellent strategy for stump speeches and drawing room warfare, but the fact of the matter is we will never agree on Islamic ideology, far too many individuals are convinced that they hold the elixir of truth (the Afghan Taliban came from somewhere) and let’s face it, we can barely elect leaders whom we can stand for more than two years at a time before asking the army to step in. Deciding on a unified religious ideology has as much chances for success as the International Beer Drinking Olympics being held in Pakistan.
I feel that the only people that can save Pakistan are the entrepreneurs. Not just the good, halal, we-are-ashamed-of-our-good-fortune-sort, but the greediest breed of capitalist vermin that evolution and a steady diet of Maggi noodles has to offer. As a wise Singaporean leader Lee Kuan Yew once remarked "it is difficult to convince a well-fed man to become an extremist".
Here are some ideas I concocted as I surveyed our magical 'We-believe-in-unlikely-miracles-nation’:
Honour Warriors: All men like playing hero whether it is rescuing a damsel in distress or well...rescuing an even prettier damsel in distress. The problem is that the opportune moment rarely arises, either because Pakistan is not as lawless as your average 'gora' is led to believe, or maybe it is because the cut-throat scum-of-the-halal-earth thieves are just more polite around good-looking women. This however, presents a significant problem: how can a guy save a girl from the dangers of the world and validate himself without the opportunity to do so?
Hence, the Honour Warriors, who swoop down on really...really really good looking girls, steal their cell phones or harass them, while a brave knight (who will be paid rather generously for this service) will suddenly appear (capes will be provided for an extra fee), and fight off the packs of blood-thirsty pillaging ruffians with his fists of fury and a good ol' desi ‘CHAMAAAAT’. The damsel, so grateful to her saviour (after all, a girl cannot live without her cell phone), will fall madly in love with him and break into spontaneous dance to the tune of 'Desi Girl'. The couple will then live happily ever after, and recount this Bollywood style story to their packs of grandchildren. The Honour Warriors will silently collect their fee and vanish into the night, their job done, their clients happy.
Solo Store: Ever notice how the beggars at traffic lights always sell the most useless gear, one wonders how many table cloths, Christmas Hats, combs and balloon-shaped-animals the average Pakistani really needs. One needs to sort them out and fill their hands with things like chewing gum, chips, candy, drinks, mobile phone credit and cigarettes; things that people actually want and are willing to buy. They would make a lot more money and I would not be stuck with owning so many combs and Christmas hats. Financing this would not be all that expensive. Besides, wouldn't a company rather put someone to work and generate some extra revenue as opposed to giving hand out after hand out?
'Charitable' donations are tax exempt ... yay Capitalism!
GotPrayer.com: Ever wish that someone was praying for you? Whether it is for an exam or a loved one (or even in the hopes that the object of your desire returns your affections), everyone wants something, and what is the harm in paying a few lads to read several hundred Qurans or recite multiple complex duas on one's behalf. Think of it as a good way for madrassas to be more of a profitable venture. Capitalism and religion – who can say no to that? Call now: 1-800-Prayer for your spiritual, emotional and academic needs.
Professional Beard Growers: There are people who spend a lot of time trying to prove how religious they are by the length of their beard. Unfortunately, all are not born equal, therefore the Professional Beard Growers League to the rescue, where groups of men will commit to providing their natural talent of sprouting copious amounts of face fuzz and sell it for a clean halal profit. Prices will depend on thickness, color and piety.
Chastity Belts: Which parent would not want to get a chastity belt for their daughter, or son for that matter? Have you seen children these days? It will come with a GPS tracking service and luxury models will be available in Gold, with a cushioned finish, for comfort.
Entrepreneurs create businesses to service needs that are not currently met by the local market. These in turn create meaningful employment and hence, taxable revenue. In a country that has so much but gives so little, maybe it is time to give the business class the opportunity to develop Pakistan. It may be the only practical way for our country to stand on our own two feet, as opposed to crawling through the minefield we are currently nestled in.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
