8th-19th century

Pakistan came into being on the 14th of August 712 AD. Gallant Arab leader, conqueror, poet, and expert javelin thrower, Muhammad Bin Qasim, is believed to have founded the country.

However, some modern-day Pakistani historians suggest that Pakistan was first established by Adam, eons ago (and that is why some areas of Pakistan produce such delicious apples).

Qasim’s forces entered what is now the Sindh province of Pakistan in 712 AD. After defeating the infamous infidel playboy Raja of the area, Qasim proclaimed a pious republic, which he soon called the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

After Qasim’s success (for which he was thanked by the Caliph through torture), Muslim rulers of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan expanded the boundaries of the country. Some Pakistani historians believe that Pakistan’s boundaries once stretched from Bharat through China and all the way to Alaska.

Though Islamic Republic of Pakistan remained large and strong with tall, dark and handsome men as rulers, it began to deviate from the true path during the Mughal era. Pakistani historians have blamed Mughal emperor Akbar for this.

Akbar, though a powerful king, was the only ruler of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan who was not tall, dark and handsome. This was due a peculiar virus that Akbar contracted from his many non-Muslim wives.

Had Akbar’s non-Muslim physicians not duped Akbar into believing that the virus was actually a show of tolerance and integration, Akbar too would have been tall, dark and handsome.

This virus made Akbar do things that can be considered blasphemous (especially the act of him becoming a vegetarian).

The deviating ways of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan were thankfully arrested by what most Pakistani historians rightly believe was the republic’s greatest ruler, Aurangzeb-ul-Haq. Aurangzeb took over the throne by peacefully blinding his dad and equally peacefully killing his two brothers.

One of Aurangzeb’s brothers, Dara Shikoh, was suffering from the same virus Akbar had suffered from. Had I been alive in those days, I would have advised Aurangzeb bhai to explode a nuclear device over Dara.

This would have killed that damn virus once and for all.

Aurangzeb imposed strict Shariah law across the whole country. He banned music, dance, alcohol, coffee, tea, basant, theatre, shaving (for both men and women), smoking, gyms (only for women), transvestites, vegetables, powered milk, shrines, Sufis and heavy metal music.

The boundaries of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan expanded even more dramatically under the pious leadership of Aurangzeb. Some historians suggest that under him, Pakistan’s boundaries stretched from the entire subcontinent across China, Russia, Europe, Alaska all the way to the legendary city of Atlantis.

Alas, the long pious rule of Aurangzeb came to an end when he died a natural death at the young age of 90. Instead of his sons, he designated a Yemeni camel to succeed him, but the camel was soon slaughtered by his sons and its meat used to cook biryani.

While his successors were having camel biryani, the country was invaded by the British imperialists. The British brought with them a new manifestation of Christianity, called science. All of sudden, after hundreds of years, Islam was clearly under attack in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

Many gallant Muslims fought bravely against the British, but some pansy Muslim scholars like Sir Khan advised his people to adopt the new religion, science, in spite of the fact that this religion was being promoted by camel stealing Jews and malicious Christian tea addicts.

Sir Khan was a well-meaning man, but was misguided. Some Pakistani historians believe he too had contracted the Akbar virus. He began to praise the religion of science, advocating the building of colleges instead of mosques; libraries instead of madressas; and private bath tubs instead of garam hamams (public baths).

Though he had a long white beard, famous Pakistani religious scholar, Inzimamul Haq, is of the view that Sir Khan’s beard was a fake. He thinks it was given to him by one Sir John Doe, who used to dress up as Santa for the kids of British imperialists during Christmas.

Inzimam believes that if a true Muslim reads Sir Khan’s writings carefully, he will notice that all he ever said, really, was ‘ho ho ho.’

20th century

British imperialists with the diabolic co-operation of Pakistan’s Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain, animist, atheist, communist, socialist and cannibalistic shrine worshipping communities, took control of the politics, military and economy of the Islamic republic.

These were the most testing times for the Muslims of Pakistan, struggling under the yoke of evil Christian Empire ruled by evil Seth lord Sir Lord Mount Vadar and the Borg Queen Elizabeth.

Two major political parties emerged in the region. The scheming Hindus formed the Indian National Congress – they had started to call Pakistan India – and the All Pakistan Muslim League (APML).

The Congress pretended to be anti-British to gain sympathy from misguided Muslims, but the hunger stricken state of its leader, Mahatma Thin Lizzy, was such that it did not take much for him to gather pity.

It was said that he almost never ate, never slept, never drank and at times never seemed to be breathing at all. Famous Afghan philosopher-king and mountain climber, Meeda Gul Bakaoli, claims that Mahatma was actually an inanimate coat-hanger who somehow became a spiritual leader and politician of the Hindus.

Journalist, intellectual and conspiratorial bowl movement expert, Sansar Abba disagrees. According to him, Mahatma was actually a prototype German android who was possessed by an evil sprit called Pazuzu, of The Exorcist fame, and which Sansar believes is a movie based on Zaradri’s doings.

In the entire ruckus, Muslims finally saw the emergence of a savior. His name was Hazrat Muhammad Ali Jinnah Rehmatulah Alaih.

Most Pakistani historians have refuted the claim that Jinnah was a western educated secular man. They say this image of Jinnah was propagated by such malicious propaganda masters as Dr. Peter Pervez and Zoroastrian sorcerer Ard Crowley (pronounced as ‘Cowasjee’ in Punjabi). Both were on the payroll of the Christian Borg Queen.

Jinnah plunged himself in the liberation movement, vowing to once again make Pakistan an Islamic republic free from all secular deviations and assorted evils.

But just as Muslim forces led by a yet unborn Zed B Hamid were able to push a combined army of British zombies, Hindu Brahmins, head banging Sikhs and naked Jains from what became West and East Pakistan, Jinnah sadly passed away.

Secular history records that Jinnah died of TB, but the truth is, that he died of radiation poisoning when an eggplant sent to him by diminutive Hindu tyrant, Punkit Nehru, exploded in his hands. Yes, sir, such is the evil one should expect from vegetarians.

Pakistan shrunk as it lost a lot of land to the Hindus. The remaining Islamic republic struggled under the incompetence of a number of anglophiles and the constant whining of East Pakistan’s Bengalis who were on the payroll of the Hindus (all 1.1 billion of them).

But, alas, in 1958 yet another savior arrived. He was Field Marshal Air Bender Khan. Though not a very observant Muslim, he was however the next best thing: i.e. a rabid capitalist.

He turned the Islamic republic into an industrial paradise, helped in this cause by 22 very enterprising families. Unfortunately, the great Khan forgot about the rest of Pakistan. When he realised that Pakistan had more people than the Army and the 22 families, he promptly went to war with India.

Pakistani forces fought gallantly, led by a 2-month-old Zed B Hamid who almost re-conquered all of India, but was denied this victory when Khan was kidnapped by the agents of the Elders of Zion, and brainwashed into agreeing to a ceasefire.

By 1969 Ayub was toppled by Soviet agents led by one Zulfi Bhutto. In 1970 Zulfi won the elections in West Pakistan and declared victory, forgetting there was also an East Pakistan. When the Army realized this, it promptly went to war with India.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


Do you have information you wish to share with Dawn.com? You can email our News Desk to share news tips, reports and general feedback. You can also email the Blog Desk if you have an opinion or narrative to share, or reach out to the Special Projects Desk to send us your Photos, or Videos.


Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

He tweets @NadeemfParacha


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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Comments (218) Closed




ayeman
Nov 11, 2010 09:10am
LOL! That's true. That's the funny bit. It is usually NFP's critics who actually end up proving him right.
rana
Nov 11, 2010 03:52pm
Reading this and comments for the first time and am impressed. Now I believe that Pakistan can have a peaceful future provided the correct people take a stand and lead your country. All the best
sam
Nov 11, 2010 05:19am
Well said
Anbu
Nov 08, 2010 09:29am
Aurangazeb banned shaving (for both men and women).... HaHaHa... This wouldn't be out of place in a Mont Python sketch.
SB
Nov 08, 2010 11:21am
Dear Paracha, Why do you write such insensitive truth creating uncomfortable bowel movement? Write something positive for a change.
Nasir C.
Nov 08, 2010 08:07am
LOL!! There you go. So often NFP's satire is ACTUALLY taken as fact. Amazing.
Naeem Butt
Nov 08, 2010 07:22am
Now-a-days the biggest Scientific Achievement of Muslims is the sighting of th "Eid" moon. Ironically all the tools used to make this sighting are inventions of the "infidels".
skyman
Nov 08, 2010 06:03am
Marvelous NFP -indeed a masterpiece-keep it up-in fact we direly need to correct the concoctions and half truths.
samyak gowda
Nov 08, 2010 06:50am
It's extremely important for any country to write the history in the most honest way. Of course, nobody has a time machine to see the history in all its truthfulness. But, maximum effort should be made to narrate it as it is, like a news story. I was watching this documentary by DAWN on youtube called, 'an enemy imagined?'. In which Asghar Khan vehemently argues that, India is never the aggressor against Pakistan in all the four wars. And many intellectuals in Pakistan and all in India argue the same. I don't think, this is what is taught in the text books. This disease is not just that of Pakistan. Even in India this problem exists. Our history books do not talk honestly of all the wrong policies of our political party. Be it about Gujarath riots and how many muslims were killed or Nehru's foreign policies. When it comes to the history of Tipu Sultan, our textbooks purposefully ignore the atrocities committed by him against the Badaga community who had to leave their homes and settle in the now famous hill station, Ooty. It also ignores how Tipu imposed Persian language on people who actually spoke Kannada.
mannu
Nov 08, 2010 06:51am
sure you must
adil
Nov 08, 2010 04:46am
For all the people who hate this article - do you have any facts to dispute the satire? Or is it that you hate it cause its true? And by the way satire is constructive as it shows the false myths we have created and which are destroying us. Our elder generations have a lot to answer for and hence they scream the loudest....
Izhar Cheema
Nov 08, 2010 04:03am
Good Laugh! But why so extremeezzzzzzzz :P You need to take things easier as well, the same you suggest to the fanatics.
Rana
Nov 08, 2010 04:17am
Nadeem, You rock. Maybe humour is one of the best medicines to rid the world of its evils. Cheers.
Gautham
Nov 08, 2010 01:35am
The satire is amazing. One of the great qualities of an advanced civilization is the ability to laugh at our own pain. It is a joy to be part of the pain and laughter, simultaneously.
OB
Nov 08, 2010 07:10am
Absolutely brilliant :). I remember reading about Aurangzeb Alamgir as at school and what the book said was not very far from what it says in the article. Its also interesting how easily we have forgotten Iqbal beyond the public holiday we enjoy because of him.
Raja Hindustani
Nov 08, 2010 02:15am
well said Mustaffa
Kulsoom
Nov 08, 2010 02:35am
My point exactly!!
awais
Nov 08, 2010 01:02am
I wasted a lot of time to read this article......
Fauzh
Nov 08, 2010 12:23am
There are people around who actually believe it be 100 % historical fact, what NP has written in his satirical column. I read a status on a Facebook page which had over 1000 members, that all Muslims are Pakistanis. The reasoning that this guy gave was that because Pakistan was created in the name of Islam, that makes all Muslims Pakistanis??? ( that doesn't make sense to me ) and that Pakistan will be the leader of the Muslim Ummah when they re establish Khilafat all over the world... There is no dearth of delusional people around and no dearth of simple minded people who take it as holy truth from God. That is a big problem....and the article above doesn't sound funny anymore in the backdrop of these facts.
Himayun Mirza
Nov 20, 2010 05:13pm
I have very high standards and as a student of science have always been in quest of knowledge and truth. I have no heistation to say that this is one of the best articles I have read in any Paksitani paper! We should fully appreciate the difficulty that this author has to face in talking about such difficult topics. In Pakistani society speaking the truth loudly is almost impossibe if one wants to live. When the mogul tyrant king was portrayed as a saint even in my childhood, I thougth how could he be "hazrat" after killing his brothers and putting red hot rods in his old father's eyes? No wonder the largest mogul empire in history which was handed to him fell apart after him. If he were not that ruthless tyrant the empire would not fall apart so soon. He was the most cruel and least tolerant of all mogul kings. Please keep up this truth/satire combination. More power to you, H. Mirza, USA
Ashman
Nov 07, 2010 10:51pm
Cmon Ramesh, El is not criticizing India, or praising Pakistan. And if there is something to criticize, and believe me there is lots on either side of the border, then why be secretive or hide your dirty linen. Sharm aati hai apni misdeeds se?
rz
Nov 07, 2010 08:19pm
Excellent. Hats off to you. I guess the next installment is due shortly as this one ends in 1970s. On side note to Dawn - the new website is less user-friendly than the old one.
siddiqui
Nov 07, 2010 08:24pm
oh no... that was not for the blog in question... it was at the general state of humour/satire and was a bitter acknowledgment of the fact that people have stopped reading and have such an unrefined taste...
Arun
Nov 09, 2010 02:17pm
Once again a masterpiece from NFP! You rock. Even though I am an India, I sincerely hope you write such enlightening write-up on India as well.
Nate Gupta
Nov 09, 2010 12:43pm
Mr. Javaid, I am still under the impression that the article has nothing much to do with the history books in Pakistan. Are you suggesting that this article is a lot closer to the real text books in schools? If it is, well... shocking! Very shocking, indeed!
aua
Nov 09, 2010 02:11pm
I do enjoy the satire in your articles,but two wrongs don't make a right. we can not change the thinking of people (which is needed) by making fun of them. it actually does the reverse. they'll not interact with you and polarization will increase. to change them, one has to do a dialogue with them, and for that one has to bring them on a hospitable ground. taunting will worsen the situation. P.S. This is not taught in schools. what is taught is the 'standard' history curriculum i.e. we are a great nation with a history. every government around the world does it. it is not something alien in this world.
Masood Khan
Nov 07, 2010 08:07pm
Why some people calling this a satire, it's all reality (except exploding eggplant in Jinnah' hands, I have not heard of this)!
qamer
Nov 07, 2010 08:07pm
great NFP............... but our nation will not accept this history . and waiting for next part...................i always learnt alot from ur articles
SAK,IRT
Nov 07, 2010 06:57pm
but someone has to give it the critique it deserves!
yawar
Nov 07, 2010 06:57pm
and yet again you read them? oh, why, oh, why, do people like you even bother reading NFP??
SAK,IRT
Nov 07, 2010 07:09pm
The serious readers please refer to 'Pakistan: A Modern History' by Ian Talbot. The book discusses the issues with the scholarly seriousness the they deserve. For aimless reading, continue reading NFP's articles.
Zaheer
Nov 07, 2010 05:09pm
spot on. good work......there is still hope if people keep writing truth like you.........
Frootus
Nov 07, 2010 05:41pm
Fun read NFP; especially the names you came up with ... BUT (there's always a but) how about you do something constructive now ; we all already know we are a joke .. perhaps something to encourage people to do more; to motivate em......
rocky
Nov 07, 2010 05:57pm
Nadeem, you are a genius in political satire. I wish more extremists read your column. It is high time that we learn to laugh at our ignorence. Please ask your fellow columnist Naqvi to lighten up too.
Usama
Nov 07, 2010 06:01pm
Waste of time!--I better had read something on cricinfo.
Zaheer
Nov 07, 2010 05:00pm
The same goes with Indian public also. You also need to think rationally like Arundhati Roy, not like hate mongers leadership of BJP. What i think is there are equal number of religious fanatics on both sides who live in the past and try to impose their self created illusions of bigotry.
Ajmal
Nov 07, 2010 03:19pm
NFP - This was simply the best.
Sohrab
Nov 07, 2010 03:31pm
Sensible writing, but when will the subcontinent (the powers that be? )get back to its senses? More than history we need somebody to peep into the future and reassure us. The muslim purists won in 1947, makes me shudder to think what if the hindu, sikh, jain and budhist purists were to win and cleanse their respective areas as well? Our only hope is for that virus to spread and spread fast...
SAK,IRT
Nov 09, 2010 01:55pm
This blogger is totally misleading everybody in the name of satire. No such things are taught in Pakistan History. NFP has a well-established record for such malicious articles. Some people are calling this article a satire, which is, in my opinion, a totally misplaced idea. Satire is directed towards some truth, but NFP, as he usually does, has totally distorted the truth and written an article which is more of a cartoon strip than a schorlarly piece in any sense. But that what NFP truly is, an amateur posing to be a scholarly analyist.
sukhbir
Nov 07, 2010 02:58pm
Nadeem is truely a Pakistani. Unlike you Nadeem has the ability to see into the soul of Pakistan. Youth of Pakistan would be poorer if Nadeem follows your advise. But then we all knbow Nadeem is made of sterner stuff.
rich05
Nov 07, 2010 01:55pm
great article, enjoyed.
Bido
Nov 07, 2010 01:55pm
If you do not laugh you will find it tough to digest the pain behind this article. May the lord show all the way.
Clarence
Nov 22, 2010 06:38am
But from someone who knows things!
rahul
Nov 07, 2010 01:28pm
which school did you attend nadeem?
Ganesh
Nov 07, 2010 12:59pm
Nadeem .... This is mind boggling.. For me most wacky part was " 'Aurangzeb-ul-Haq'. Aurangzeb took over the throne by peacefully blinding his dad and equally peacefully killing his two brothers also Aurangzeb banning " vegetables and powered milk" Ganesh
kapil
Nov 07, 2010 01:11pm
Good oberservation Mustafaa
Farakh Malik
Nov 07, 2010 11:05am
Why are some people determined to mess up our history - we must keep on the path of truth and must respect our forefathers and their way of life -
sharma
Nov 07, 2010 11:39am
Do you guys actually believe that Pakistan existed before 1947?? Very humorous, also explains most of your troubles.
Ali
Nov 07, 2010 11:59am
and yet again DAWN gives space to articles like this.
tanuja
Nov 08, 2010 04:33pm
I wonder what Fouzia wahab has to say on this great write up!!
Harris
Nov 07, 2010 10:34am
when is the movie being released ?
Alien
Nov 08, 2010 05:07pm
Dear Paracha, Dunno why u hav more followers/readers from India than from Pakistan. U must think abt da reason i guess :) Regards, Alien
Jasy Batra
Nov 12, 2010 06:20pm
Great Blog. Hope you could write on indian politicians. They would make a better caricature than Pakistani politicians.
BeTheChange
Nov 08, 2010 06:08pm
Restoring sanity ?? Thanks for the laugh. Needed it!
Javaid
Nov 11, 2010 03:40am
It's satire so it's definitely exaggerated but it's absolutely based on the type of information we get in our schools. The simple truth is that we are not taught anything about the thousands of years or civilization which existed before Mohammad Bin Qasim. We are also not taught anything about any of the Hindu, Sikh or Buddhist kingdoms. Even the depiction of Aurangzeb as a fantastic Muslim leader who destroyed temples is completely in line with what we learn at school. Other interesting things are that the 100 years from the point where Aurangzeb dies and to the point where the British take over simply vanish in our Pakistan studies books. Jinnah is depicted as a Muslim crusader and never...never ever is his first speech to the constituent assemblies mentioned. There is also not any mention of his wife or daughter since they weren't Muslims. It is quite disturbing and I hope people make an effort to learn some proper history rather than this nonsense. It's not exactly unknown that the history books have been altered here, especially since the time of Zia-Ul-Haq. In fact the UN has several times criticized both India and Pakistan for re-writing history. On the other hand, the is no concerted effort to remove more accurate and critical history books from book stores so anyone with an interest can easily get hold of some excellent history books in Pakistan.
Amit
Nov 09, 2010 09:18am
Do they really teach this stuff in Pakistan or is the blogger just kidding about this.
Prasad
Nov 07, 2010 08:24am
I dont understand how Muhammad Bin Qasim, an outsider, is glorified in Pakistan? He was neither a Sindhi,Punjabi or Balochi. Rather he tormented these provinces
Nate Gupta
Nov 08, 2010 06:24pm
This is really hilarious! Adam and delicious apples.... Playboy raja.... exploding eggplant... Ha ha ha :-D - Nate
qamar cheema
Nov 07, 2010 06:18am
excellent critique..........
SB
Nov 11, 2010 02:41am
Your "enlightened" analysis on NFP just proves him right.
Balwanjee
Nov 07, 2010 04:59am
Read and weep folks.
Supriya
Nov 08, 2010 06:57pm
NFP you rock !!!
A.A.Qureshi
Nov 07, 2010 05:20am
You have nothing to do just waste of your vocublary and making fun for others. Do you have something positive and healthy for the new generation. Use your skills for doing good for the nation if you are a Pakistani.
Asad
Nov 08, 2010 08:00pm
Gr88 piece of work. Masterpiece
Sohail
Nov 08, 2010 09:15pm
Absolutely brilliant!!!
salim
Nov 07, 2010 03:00am
excellent article
Kaypi
Nov 06, 2010 10:14am
The best part I liked..."Some historians suggest that under him, Pakistan
YY
Nov 05, 2010 11:48am
Yup. He most certainly is. That's why we'll never see the likes of him on Pakistani TV. This is yet another example of his sharp satire.
haamid peerzada
Nov 05, 2010 12:51pm
This is d king of satires......
Harsh
Nov 05, 2010 01:01pm
Big fan of NFP. But this one was timepass. Hope to see NFP getting back to form soon. :)
Karuna
Nov 05, 2010 01:03pm
A must read for Pakistani zealots.
Goga Nalaik
Nov 06, 2010 08:44am
Hilarious !
IBRAR KHAN
Nov 06, 2010 08:33am
The Pakistan study text books that i studied at Govt Schools contained more or less the same stuff.
Luqman
Nov 05, 2010 11:35am
LOL!!!!! Crackling satire once again, NFP. :D
chak
Nov 05, 2010 11:39am
Is NFP the only Pakistani who sees Pakistanis the way they really are??
Shahani
Nov 05, 2010 11:43am
today ur writing is allergic nfp......
Akil Akhtar
Nov 09, 2010 01:30am
Good for you.....You are an Indian and Iam a Pakistani as I was Born in Pakistan not India. India is not a race or religion it is a union of many states with different cultures and languages just like Pakistan. No one is forever indian just because their land was under the same rule once. Our real and unchangeable identity is Punjabi, balochi, etc which can not be changed no matter which side we are on.
rehan
Nov 05, 2010 11:47am
God !!! !! A pathetic piece of writing !
SAmeer
Nov 06, 2010 08:22am
Yaar! why use the word "Pakistanis" or "Indians" coz there is a population of Pakistanis or Indians which has common sense. Secondly this article is satrical no doubt but dude(NFP) it's time you did write some optimism, i'm getting sick of complaining(it's everywhere you go, every channel you switch to, every article you read etc). We are aware and face this reality daily and return to it bcoz we have to after our optimistic breaks that we don't get anymore. But we do require as many sensible optimism breaks as we can get. As this complaining ain't going away anytime soon.
suren singh sahni
Nov 06, 2010 08:01am
thought provoking article and fodder for laughter
chakraborty
Nov 06, 2010 07:56am
It was only delhi city dear where the Mughals were till 1857. Mughal Emire ended in 1710 when Marathas rose. Marathas say they ruled the country for 100 years. Atleast major part of it, Rest with Sikhs & Rajputs
Asim Saeed
Nov 06, 2010 07:44am
Excellent work! Keep it up Nadeem.
Asim Saeed
Nov 06, 2010 07:45am
Excellent work! Keep it up Nadeem, anxiously waiting for the second part.
Mudassir
Nov 06, 2010 07:35am
Ending was abrupt ..
Kaukab
Nov 06, 2010 07:19am
I am struck! where's the part 2 ????????
GKrishnan
Nov 06, 2010 07:14am
I almost died laughing halfway through. Where should I send my hospital bills, please ?
kazy
Nov 06, 2010 06:54am
excellent piece of work
Ramesh Nathan
Nov 06, 2010 06:36am
LOL
Ramesh Nathan
Nov 06, 2010 06:28am
Come on EL. YOU SERIOUSLY DON'T have to criticize India to praise a Pakistani writer. At least in this blog you dont have too.
NP
Nov 10, 2010 09:13pm
Absolutely hilarous.........Brilliant piece... Nadeem is the king of sattire...........anxiously waiting for part 2
malik
Nov 06, 2010 05:52am
It is in the history books taught in secondary school.
El
Nov 06, 2010 05:42am
Brilliant article. As an Indian, I have to appreciate the satire, and I wish we had similar satirical writers in India too, highlighting our own ironies as NFP does for Pakistan. For Pakistan bashing Indians here, grow up, and applaud the writer's cerebral powers and humor. Dont twist this article to further myopic hate-Pakistan agenda. India has its own disinformation and mindless propoganda/corruption too. For India bashing Pakistanis, consider yourself lucky for free press, writers with such wit and try not to take this article literally. It merely highlights false propoganda promoted by your rulers...Celebrate the writers insight
Omar
Nov 06, 2010 05:38am
Just can't wait for PT:2. Can't stop laughing. Top stuff again, NFP. Keep 'em rolling.
Omar
Nov 06, 2010 05:36am
Err ... does SATIRE ring a bell, Wajid?
praveen
Nov 06, 2010 05:20am
A diwali blockbuster of a satire. High point of this satire is Aurangzeb succeeded by a yemeni camel......... rolf
SB
Nov 12, 2010 12:32pm
not wonder, you should ponder
abadh kishor
Nov 06, 2010 04:08am
I simply like it.
Ramesh Nathan
Nov 06, 2010 06:25am
Nadeem your writing ROCKS. If only more Pakistanis become less emotional and more rational there would be hope for all of us ! I seriously hope the number of Pakistanis how love you outnumber Pakistanis who hate you. (By a large margin). That would give us all hope. ...again a wonderful piece of writing. Loved it.
sunny
Nov 06, 2010 11:53pm
Wish there were more people who could write like you.
Zakir Akbar
Nov 11, 2010 08:06pm
US as well
karunakar
Nov 06, 2010 02:57am
If the people of pakistan can read it and laugh it off -there is hope Many of the points are true of India as well.
Noshirwan Sheriyarji
Nov 06, 2010 03:01am
I suppose that will come in the second instalment ;-)
Noshirwan Sheriyarji
Nov 06, 2010 03:03am
!!!!????!!!!! Bro did you miss the whole point?
siddiqui
Nov 06, 2010 03:07am
"close to the history books"... is that enough? i was pointing out at the sheer incompetence in creating satire... i have said it earlier, would repeat it again that it is quite painful to see that in Yusufi's era, satire has sunk so low... "Secular history records that Jinnah died of TB, but the truth is, that he died of radiation poisoning when an eggplant sent to him by diminutive Hindu tyrant, Punkit Nehru, exploded in his hands. Yes, sir, such is the evil one should expect from vegetarians." lol... the writer fails quite miserably...
Ramesh Nathan
Nov 06, 2010 06:31am
Dear Salim, Its not secret ...... everybody knows this. Cheers.
Badar
Nov 06, 2010 02:55am
Great sense of humor by NFP. I have disagreed with you often. But this is a master piece indeed. Pakistanis should stop being surreal. This is 21st century. Wake up Pakistan.
Analytical Engine
Nov 06, 2010 02:49am
Good article by NFP(somewhat exaggerated,but that's what you expect).
Zakir Akbar
Nov 11, 2010 08:07pm
Go and ask 1 million Pakistanis who voted last year.
Analytical Engine
Nov 06, 2010 02:38am
Then don't read.
Good Samaritan
Nov 09, 2010 12:40am
Simply Brilliant! :)
nivedita
Nov 12, 2010 11:29am
Cheeky guy... this NFP!
Cheema
Nov 09, 2010 04:55am
An overstatement. NFP also has a huge following in Pakistan. He's one of the most well known english columnists in the country. Thanks to the net, he now seems to have expanded his readership across India and Europe as well.
Ayesha khan
Nov 06, 2010 01:31am
Dude, this is a satire. When Pakistanis say 'we have ruled over India for 1000 years". even though the country has only been around 63 years, it is this kind of fake history that they are relying on.
Ayesha khan
Nov 06, 2010 01:30am
It is satire because - he is producing what the Pak history books say - he hopes and expects that people reading this blog have access to internet and are aware that this is not true history
G. Din
Nov 15, 2010 02:33pm
Arundhati Roy is a one-book wonder. She has not written one after the first book that earned her the Booker. She, like Kudeep Nayar, Jawed Naqvi and other few, is India's Noam Chomsky, wandering in the wildernesses without any aim or purpose to her wanderings. So far, every issue she has picked up to agitate for has bombed. Verily a jinx!
Mohammad Aziz Khan in Sydney Australia @ Viti (Fiji)
Nov 06, 2010 12:51am
Hahahah! Hilarious !!! reflects the Pakistani mentality of present day.
Balbir Singh Cheema
Nov 05, 2010 11:59pm
Nadeen, you summed it up perfectly. Its been a long time I have laughed so much.
Mr RaJA
Nov 06, 2010 12:58am
Mr Nadeem, you rants are becoming boring.....i pitty thee...! same old tribe for the same minded so called 'intellectuals'
T Zaman
Nov 05, 2010 10:34pm
When Part 2 is coming? Classic!!
Cautious
Nov 05, 2010 10:20pm
Most hilarious.I have been reading his article and his blogs for a long time and I am pretty sure whatever he writes, He writes for each and every Pakistani not for anyone else because every single Pakistani understad what he is talking about and who he is talking about so plz if you are not Pakistani just read and enjoy.I just can not wait to read this blog part 2. LONG LIVE NFP
Umesh
Nov 05, 2010 10:12pm
Great!! Looking forward to reading part 2. Too bad some don't understand it.
Ramesh Nathan
Nov 10, 2010 05:08am
Is EL seriously implying that among 1.2 billion people we do not have satire writers who better NFP ? Honestly I love NFP's writing.......but he is not the only writer i love.
RhyMe
Nov 05, 2010 12:26pm
not an interesting one...
AHR
Nov 24, 2010 11:15am
I agree. Satire is definitely great but NFP needs to be cautious of not letting his satire reach an extreme. In the end it's the extremist forces (of any kind) that wreak havoc!
Nassim Ally (Ali) Osman
Nov 05, 2010 02:51pm
It may be that NFP is the only PAKISTANI who sees Pakistanis the way they really are, but he is not the only HUMAN BEING seeing Pakistani the way they really are
Wajid
Nov 05, 2010 02:44pm
This is the most ridiculous & nonsensical twisting of historical facts. History has never been twisted so badly and that is the ONLY reason why us Pakistani people are full of hatred and suspicion for our neighbors and the whole world (as a matter of fact). Our Children are taught history which is full of lies and deceit. How can a nation ever become great when it
SAK,IRT
Nov 05, 2010 02:44pm
CRAP, as usual..
Faisal
Nov 09, 2010 05:44am
Shocking, isn't it. If someone writes even something close to this in India, he would probably end up in jail. We have extremists in both Pakistanis and Indians. In Pakistan the extremists belong to the Right Wing and in India to the left.
ArifQ
Nov 05, 2010 04:51pm
Another NFP gem, but no mention of General Zia.
Mohammad A Dar
Nov 05, 2010 09:27pm
Another attempt to make some thing laughable one has not to be joking about. It is not incidental but planned in the path of psychological warfare, Make people fun of their most sacred believes to make them worthless. nothing but an IED in the foundations of Pakistan.
AAK
Nov 05, 2010 04:47pm
GREAT!! Make me laugh.... REALITY CHECK
manulegend
Nov 05, 2010 08:34pm
read the title dude. It is almost as close to the history books in pakistan as possible
Salim
Nov 05, 2010 04:37pm
Is this the correct history of Pakistan. I was under the impression that Pakistan was only created in 1947...How come we did not know of its existence since 712 AD. Why has this fact been kept a secret from us....
sri
Nov 05, 2010 09:40pm
my god i can't understand some of the people here like wajid(nothing personal) who can't see that it is satire and not for real.
ahmed
Nov 05, 2010 04:31pm
Yet again the sanestly insane writeup by KING NADEEM!!
Zahid
Nov 05, 2010 04:26pm
Waiting for part 2!
Nasrullah Khan
Nov 08, 2010 11:01pm
He is targeting ignorance not Pakistan's. When will the readers understand that.
vikas ranjan
Nov 05, 2010 04:35pm
Good enough to be incorporated in the Pakistan Study Text Books. Well done.
Shahbaz Asif Tahir
Nov 05, 2010 01:33pm
Total non sense as usual.
fs
Nov 06, 2010 09:06am
completely useless.
Abhijit
Nov 06, 2010 03:23pm
Hilarious aritical
Prof. Yameen Zubairi
Nov 05, 2010 01:22pm
A well-written potent satire permeated by prejudice. Paracha needs to read history of Western Civilization; even Shakespeare would help. Yet his theme of Pakistan's ineptitude is valid.
moaz
Nov 05, 2010 01:20pm
sir truly.mind-shaking................. :P
Hmm
Nov 05, 2010 01:14pm
What's up with all the typos? How long does it take to proofread? It really spoils a good read. Good read still nonetheless.
Omar Haroon
Nov 05, 2010 12:35pm
Hahaha. Brilliant piece.
Yawar
Nov 05, 2010 12:34pm
LOVED it!!
A Jolly
Nov 05, 2010 12:33pm
Excellent Piece lol! Pakistan needs a reality check and i wonder how many in Pakistan will believe this piece and blame the 'foreigh hand' for all its woes! well done.
YY
Nov 05, 2010 12:33pm
Zabardast! No one rips apart certain obvious delusions of my countrymen the way NFP does. Stinging stuff once more, NFP. Jeetay raho.
Mohammad Yousuf Budgam Kashmir
Nov 05, 2010 11:57am
A fit satirical commentary.
Arindam
Nov 05, 2010 04:05pm
Why so many typos NFP? And a rather abrupt ending. Still very funny, very satirical. I hope this is not what they teach in history classes in Pakistan.
Milestogo
Nov 06, 2010 02:21pm
Ok this one is good - but it rather ended abruptly - I think now you are ready for the big project - combine all your articles into one continuous connected narrative of Pakistan and it's history I'm your unique and effectve creative style. That could easily be a bestseller and later could be turned into plays and movies
Milestogo
Nov 06, 2010 02:23pm
You have single handedly taken the cause of reversing the Pakistani brainwashing over the years. You know what it might actually succeed - just don't give up. I wish you thoughts could penetrate Pakistani cinema.
sukhbir
Nov 06, 2010 02:07pm
Dear Nadeem I wonder if any one sees the pain hidden in your satire. May almighty give you long life to witness change in Pakistan, change that will one day bring sanity to your land and people. I admire your depth of perception and your skill with words that translate the perception to your satire. God Bless you.
TKM
Nov 06, 2010 01:50pm
I like your satire as much as your analytical articles. Wish you were an Indian writer. Where do you live? Are you safe in your place. Good luck !
S. Nasir Mehdi
Nov 06, 2010 01:25pm
Is stupid joke over. Should I laugh
balbal
Nov 06, 2010 01:35pm
It was funny on Zed b hamid 2 month old conquered all of india.. now he must be laughing his heart out...
sams
Nov 06, 2010 01:44pm
I love you NFP!!!
mumtaz
Nov 06, 2010 01:48pm
Great Satire. Love it. I am sure all nations, have similar distorted views of history that only a nice writer can bring to light. I admire the part about Akbar's virus.
Jiwani
Nov 06, 2010 03:15pm
Ho Ho Ho. the funniest part. I could not even finish my sand witch :)
Rao(India)
Nov 10, 2010 07:07pm
Excactly. America formed only 300 yrs ago with different ethnic groups of europes and handful of Jews. Now they say they r proud of America. Our civilization is much, much older to them. Influence of Sufi saints are to be experienced to find thir magnificient influence across breath and width of India. Their penintration is unimaginable to a ordinary citizen of either India or Pakistan. Indian identity not just born out of drawing borders. It is a shared cultural heritage where every one, like Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Budhist, Jains, Christians etc.. with their ehthnic, casterial, lingustic idendity intact. That is the beauty of Indian plularism. Hats off to Ayesha khan for shared values.
Amjad Cheema
Nov 06, 2010 01:13pm
Great work NFP
Iftikhar Husain
Nov 06, 2010 01:14pm
Dear Mr Pracha Ghalib the great poet whom lots of of Pakistani do not understand becuse they donot have that sense of humer said NA WOH SAMJHE HAIN NA SUMJHAIN GE MERI BAT is very true. It made me smile many time and some time laugh thank a lot> I was dipressed for few days because the news from Pakistan now I am feeling fine thanks again.
salim
Nov 06, 2010 11:51pm
good job Nadim bhai, The message of the story is well taken. We need to face and rectify our mistakes bravely. That is real courage and jihad. We need to start with the truth even when dealing the birth and growth of Pakistan. Then only can we make true progress.
Mustaffa
Nov 06, 2010 01:02pm
Satire my friend is not complaining, but an attempt to hold a mirror to society.
Dilip
Nov 06, 2010 12:43pm
This article is great. I can understand how narrow minded people may be taking this article as.
ayesha khan
Nov 10, 2010 02:30am
What about Americans? They too are of different race, religion etc. If all people living under USA proudly call themselves American, why should I not do the same? Being Indian is not just about being under the same rule once. It is about a shared identity and shared destiny. This spans across social aspects such as festivals we celebrate, clothes we wear, food we eat as well as value systems such as freedom of religion, tolerance, respect for democracy, rule of law and acceptance of diversity. If you want to keep only a linguistic identity that is your right but I do not feel the same way. Just a different perspective - not to say that either one of us is right or wrong.
amir khan
Nov 06, 2010 12:38pm
excellent piece of work. wish we have more people like NFP
Kishore
Nov 10, 2010 02:04pm
A very well written article! This is the first article of Nadeem's that I've read and I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the wisdom that went into it.. And Ayesha, I think Nadeem is actually proud of Jinnah, and the satire is about the people who came after him and distorted his vision.. Ah, what won't we young Indians and Pakistanis give for two brotherly nations living in harmony, sharing all we've got, most importantly our culture, technology, education, and love..!
Murali-Atlanta-USA
Nov 05, 2010 03:29pm
Eagerly look forward to part-2, which must be even more hilarious given the antics of the current rulers!!! Murali-Atlanta-USA
Tariq, Aberdeen.
Nov 11, 2010 08:44pm
NFP. This is satire at it's best. I just laughed all the way to the end! Just the tonic to lift ones soul on a wet dreary dark, cold, wind swept evening of the northern hemisphere. Part 2, s'il vous plaits.
zaigham
Nov 05, 2010 03:28pm
While I agree with message of the article, but I am having a hard time calling this a satire. Its quite pathetic. All those people who are calling this an excellent, I wonder what they have been reading.
MUA
Nov 06, 2010 11:20pm
As usual, an interesting read!
SAK,IRT
Nov 12, 2010 03:34am
how so, I wonder?
sunil01
Nov 12, 2010 05:00am
excellent..masterpiece..! keep it on.
MC
Nov 10, 2010 05:34pm
everything is a lie. only NFP knows the truth (with or without facts)
Nate Gupta
Nov 10, 2010 05:10pm
Mr. Al, As a matter of fact, I did :) If you read my post a bit more carefully, I clearly mentioned what my initial thoughts are about the article. I was just reacting to Mr. Javaid's statement. - Nate
Kdspirited
Nov 11, 2010 09:53pm
Excellent. But I want to elborate that we were taught history from the perspective of Ashoka and Buddha and not just Akbar and Aurangzeb. At least i was. But then again the books i read were not pakistan studies and published by the associated press of Pakistan. They were part of our curriculum in school though.
shamsundar
Nov 05, 2010 03:15pm
This is a question to author: Is this expected to be satire or you believe the story? i believe it to be a satire freewheeling on fundamentalists.
Ramesh Nathan
Nov 10, 2010 05:02am
Arundhati Roy is a Fiction writer .... the very fact demonstrates emotional thought process and not a rational one.
Pak Lover
Nov 07, 2010 01:19am
Not yet.... wait for part -2....
Nitin(Pune)
Nov 10, 2010 11:58am
Hilarious and Brilliant!
sri
Nov 05, 2010 05:19pm
i guess many people don't get satire here. but this one is hilarious!!!!. guys start watching jon stewart and stephen colbert in usa you might get a better grip of how hilarious this is. though i understand it is written out of pure frustration.
Amna Kausar
Nov 10, 2010 11:19am
I laughed all the way through this piece!! Most Excellent Piece!! :-D
good pakistan
Nov 05, 2010 01:53pm
Shame on nadeem paracha always targeting pakistan and pakistani , seems he is too pro-indian or usa, never sees any positive thing of his country and in the society, do you expect any Indian to write such article for his country and even any newspaper of India will never publish such anti-state article... shame!
Yousafzai
Nov 05, 2010 02:01pm
The usual pathetic nonsense. NFP is disgusting !
Pranav Mimani
Nov 09, 2010 06:57am
NFP.. Greetings from India, I started reading the news paper, to follow the flood news and then stumbled upon some columns by you and others. Your blogs and columns are just amazing. Because of columns from you, Cowasjee, Cyrus ..I've become a regular reader of dawn.
Abdul Rahman
Nov 05, 2010 06:13pm
you must be kidding. do Pakistanis really believe what is written here ?
Abdul Rahman
Nov 05, 2010 06:19pm
No. NFP is wrong. At least this time. Pakistan was built and ruled by Aliens from a multiverse. Like how the pyramids were built by extra terrestrial beings. Since these aliens are from multiverses as opposed to our universe they are like a hologram illusion in the reality of our universe. So Pakistan is actually an illusion. Merely a projection.
Tuahaa
Nov 06, 2010 03:27pm
Pakistan was formed of Islam. It is time to be proud of your faith and your identity. I appreciate your writing, but are you seriously Pakistani? Try use it more positively. Reading this makes me want to laugh. At you, not the article.
Emmon Khan
Nov 06, 2010 08:12pm
And I feel like laughing at you Mr (or Mrs?) Tuahaa! Grow up!
Human
Nov 06, 2010 07:58pm
I think NFP is a human being first. And i believe we should be humans first before muslims, chirstians, hindus, or whatever. But people like you who insist on sticking to distorted versions of history, well, I can only pray for you.
linganath
Nov 06, 2010 07:55pm
Kindly note, that of all the names and titles held by Aurangjeb, 'ul-Haq' does not find a place. Zia has subtlety been introduced here.
Javaid
Nov 09, 2010 12:21am
Nice!
Javaid
Nov 09, 2010 12:18am
It's actually quite depressing that this article pretty much sums up what we are taught in Pakistan studies classes.
Sanjay
Nov 06, 2010 07:32pm
Hi, Nice. Could you make part @ all about the great Hindu empire which has equally magnificient giants worthy of comaprison with the great Aurangzeb. Amused indian
Emmon Khan
Nov 06, 2010 08:14pm
If the writer fails miserably why the 'lol' man?
Emmon Khan
Nov 06, 2010 08:18pm
Brilliant piece!
Kamal Memon
Nov 06, 2010 08:30pm
and he rocked it ...again ! :)
pradip
Nov 09, 2010 12:04am
Loved to read your statement about being an Indian and a Muslim!
Fahad
Nov 06, 2010 08:44pm
Great writing NFP! Just when we think you have written your best satire you come up with one even better. I wish more people would understand but they cant since they have been fed on bigotry of the Deep State.....
abrotariq
Nov 06, 2010 09:02pm
@ NFP: Damn good dude. Rock on
Hari
Nov 05, 2010 06:23pm
I start reading the first para and started with "What the @#$%^...." until I saw the sarcasm. lol
Rajamohan
Nov 10, 2010 06:33am
Very well said Ayesha!
Al
Nov 09, 2010 04:45pm
not exactly :p u dont seem to get the point that this is a satire :p
Nasrullah Khan
Nov 06, 2010 10:44pm
Mr. Dar, It is this very belief that has us in the proper mess that we find ourselves in. N Paracha has the ability to get our youth to think and try and get us out of this quagmire, that many of us refuse to do and HOPE that Allah will get us out. Well he won't unless we all recognize the fallacy of the Mullah regime that has befallen us. It was not there 30 odd years ago when we were open minded .
manulegend
Nov 05, 2010 08:37pm
thats the point buddy. they are aint typos. its intentional.
SHAlee
Nov 06, 2010 10:46am
Dear Nadeem may be some day we will hear that Govt. will award U some. But actually we feel a lot inappropriate material in your writings. And you mixes all the positive and negative to bring out a new thought/concept which denies the Islamic ideology and ideology of Pakistan.
aman
Nov 05, 2010 07:20pm
Root cause of problem in Pakistan is its struggle for Identity................this piece reflects the same
SB
Nov 09, 2010 06:48am
Allah ka shukar hai
joe
Nov 05, 2010 02:21pm
Brilliant! Unfortunately, history taught in schools is so twisted and distorted.
Tariq Mahmood
Nov 05, 2010 02:32pm
NFP you missed the 90 years of 'misguided' rule of the Mughuls over all of India after the death of Aurenzeb and formal take over of the British in 1857.
Rajesh
Nov 05, 2010 02:27pm
My God! Is this a satire? Is this the thing pakistani student are taught? Don't believe what is happening there?
Romesa
Nov 05, 2010 09:09pm
Hm, and I thought you were finally coming into form. A man of your intellect is capable of so many things. But no, back to the same old boring article meant to humiliate the same old weird conspiracy theorists. Same display of identity crisis and needless mockery of a country. Same old, bad NFP classic article:)
Jaafer Naqvi
Nov 05, 2010 08:53pm
Its part one...!! :)
manulegend
Nov 05, 2010 08:36pm
yep.. looks like you like people like Jawed Naqvi who talks against india while on Indian soil, but you cant stomach that a pakistani can talk against Pakistan.. how sensible :-)
manulegend
Nov 05, 2010 08:35pm
But you are a sweetheart yousafazai. thanks for stopping by.
ayesha khan
Nov 06, 2010 10:40pm
I am an Indian Muslim and I am proud of my Muslim faith.But I do not deny my Indian identity and pretend I have Arabian roots. Also Indian names frequently name their kids Akbar but hardly anyone names their son Aurangzeb. This is because we respect Akbar's inclusiveness and feel that Aurabgzeb's intolerance was not good. It is possible for me to be a proud Indian and a proud Muslim and I feel no reason to deny either heritage. Pakistanis too should be proud of Jinnah as a man who got you freedom instead of being ashamed of him and change facts about him - particularly with regards to secularism.
Vatsyayan
Dec 02, 2010 12:32pm
His blog is the only reason that i read Dawn sitting in INdia on my internet chair.......