This is the season of surveys. This is the survey of surveys. A survey that depicts the true state of the mindset of urban middle-class Pakistanis and Indians.
• 73 per cent of middle-class Pakistanis want Honda and Suzuki to begin assembling camels.
• 84 per cent of middle-class Pakistanis want Santa Claus to be tried for blasphemy.
• 69 per cent want to see Saudi King’s portrait in the President House and his horse’s picture in the PM House.
• 97 per cent of middle-class Pakistanis think corruption is the main issue, even though 89 per cent of these accepted bribes to take this survey.
• 95 per cent think Musharraf was wrong to attack the Lal Masjid; 90 per cent of these wanted him to raid the Hindus temples instead and run away with the booty.
• 99 per cent of Sunni-Deobandis in Pakistan believe Sunni-Barelvis are heretics; 99 per cent Sunni-Barelvis think the same about Sunni-Deobandis; 97 per cent of the Sunni Deobandis and Barelvis think Shias are heretics; 95 per cent of the Shias think Sunni Deaobandis and Barelvis are heretics, along with Sevener Shias; 99 per cent of Sevener Shias think Sunni Deaobandis and Barelvis and Twelver Shias are heretics; 100 per cent Sunni Deobandis, Berelvis, Twelver and Sevener Shias believe Ahmadis suck.
• 69 per cent of middle-class Pakistanis say the Saudis are right to wipe out Pakistan’s houbara bustard population because the name of the birds sounds like a very bad English word.
• 77 per cent want sausages to be labelled as obscene food.
• 94 per cent hate America; 70 per cent of these couldn’t get a US visa.
• 77 per cent of middle-class Pakistani men want women to be forced to wear hijabs; 74 per cent of the women agree.
• 70 per cent wanted colas to be banned because they looked like whisky. 60 per cent say water too should be banned because it looks like vodka and gin. They believe Muslims can survive without water by chewing on palm tree leaves as long as they are chewed fresh and their juice is not allowed to ferment.
• 79 per cent believe pop music is un-Islamic; 66 per cent of these were pop musicians themselves.
• 97 per cent believe India and the US pose the greatest threat to Pakistan; 54 per cent of these were later blown up in assorted suicide attacks by Pakistani extremists.
• 88 per cent don’t want to sell their honour for American money unless it is for their private hospitals, textile exports, NGOs, or for completing degrees at American universities.
• 102 per cent Middle-class Pakistanis believe Democracy is a deeply flawed system that has destroyed the world. They believe that totalitarian monarchies with entrenched security and bureaucracies are much better and in line with their Arab origins.
• 99 per cent of them do not like to be compared to Indians because they have nothing in common with them except their DNA, culture, cuisine, language, music, and geography.
• 79 per cent of middle-class Indians believe Mahatma Gandhi would have made a great software engineer, or at least a very soft-spoken call-centre-guy.
• 99 per cent wanted to become Bollywood stars; 68 per cent of them joined private TV news channels as the next best alternative.
• 78 per cent of them think Sonia Gandhi was a former Bollywood actress who appeared in ’70s films as Helen.
• 90 per cent believe ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ was the wrong portrayal of India; they believe Karan Johar’s costume dramas and TV soaps are the true reflection of the country; 88 per cent of these were suspected of being high on helium.
• 83 per cent think China poses the greatest threat to India, followed by Pakistan, Afghanistan, and the greener, seaming wickets in England.
• 95 per cent of them believe Tandulkar is God who uses MRF Tyres, drinks Pepsi and loves Parle-G baby biscuits.
• 81 per cent believe the Naxalites are a satanic heavy metal boy-band which sings loud anti-Hindu harmonies, mostly in Bengali.
• 71 per cent think it would have been more appropriate had Arundhati Roy married Pakistani cricketer Shoaib Malik instead of Sania Mirza.
• 77 per cent of middle-class Indians believe Pakistanis want all of Kashmir because it’s a great filming location.
• 71 per cent of young Indians know very little about Indian political parties such as INC, BJP, CPI, etc. When asked who they’ll vote for in the next elections, 69 per cent said IPL.
• 98 per cent of them speak very fast and speak English in a very weird manner. They believe this helps tone their muscles and prepares them for the next stage in their Karmic life. i.e. ‘Indian Idol.’
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com
He tweets @NadeemfParacha
The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.