Cafe Black: Evil popcorn

Updated Apr 25, 2013 03:50pm

I finally managed to get my hands on the DVD versions of three Pakistani films that I had once seen on the big screen many years ago, and was looking to do the same again, but this time in the privacy of my TV lounge.

I went looking for them to investigate a possibility of finding the cultural roots of what grew into religious and ideological extremism and myopia in Pakistan.

One can pin-point almost all of Ziaul Haq’s Machiavellian farce in the name of Islam as containing the main roots of the social and political extremism that now plagues the nation.

But I believe it is in the cultural legacy of such reactionary travesty in the 1990s where one can clearly locate the derivatives of the Zia era’s Islamist charade; off-shoots of a destructive legacy that eventually mutated into the kind of fanaticism that has become a troubling mainstay of Pakistani society ever since 9/11.

I will not go into the academic and scholarly details of this observation, but rather discuss the issue by reviewing the three films that I rediscovered. Two were made and released in the 1990s and one in 1980. They are interesting examples of the kind of mindset that many common Pakistanis started to develop at the conclusion of the anti-Soviet ‘Afghan jihad’ in the late 1980s.

Poster of Sangram: Ali’s takes the countryside by storm and an obedient camel. But the first one arrived in 1980, or at the start of the so-called Afghan Jihad and during a period when the Ziul Haq dictatorship (1977-88) had begun to roll out his draconian policies (explained as being ‘Islamic’) in earnest. Starring famous Pakistan film actor, Muhammad Ali, it was called Sangram.

The film takes place in a land where there seems to be nothing but mud brick villages separated by miles and miles of rolling sand. One is not quite sure exactly what year, or for that matter, what century the story is taking shape because even though there are no electoral appliances to be seen, there are plenty of pistols and a rickety Jeep driven by an evil Hindu police officer. There is no shortage of camels, though.

Ali is Sangram, a Hindu in a village with a Hindu majority most of whose men prefer wearing tight leather pants and shirts made from what seems to be jute.

Ali’s character is a robber who also has a petite girlfriend (actress Mumtaz) who, however, turns significantly voluptuous while dancing around Sangram during the songs.

One day Sangram bumps into a Muslim holy man who looks like a cross between an ancient Byzantine priest and a 20th century Tableeghi Jamat evangelist.

The holy man succeeds in converting Sangram to Islam and renames him Muhammad Ali – a scene marked by a flash of lightening striking across the night sky on a perfectly sunny afternoon.

From then onwards, somehow, whichever scene Ali appears in, palm trees can be seen and his girlfriend’s voluptuous moves become radically understated but the songs keep rolling.

Sangram’s dramatic conversation. Of course, like all good converts, Ali makes it his duty to convert his contemporaries whether they like it or not. He gives up his life as a thief, a Hindu thief, mind you, discards his leather pants, takes to wearing the Arab thawb and spending rest of the film on the back of a camel.

Ali beats the conniving Hindu cop to a pulp. That’s not a bandage Ali has around his head and face. It’s his ‘look I’m a bigoted convert’ headgear. After first converting his gang and then the whole village (with the help of a few emotional speeches and a couple of punches thrown at one of his doubting partners), he decides to lead an army of committed converts (on camels) on a mission to convert the Hindus of all the villages of this unnamed, surreal land populated by bumbling Hindus and a sprinkling of Muslim clerics who seem to emerge from behind sand dunes and then melt back into the sand.

After he is able to convert village after village, and after palm tree after palm tree begins to dot the scenes, a time comes when Hindu holy men begin to worry.

They conspire with the area’s police to eliminate Ali. This pushes him into becoming a guerrilla leader. He cuts down the Hindu priests until he is cornered and killed by the cops. But, of course, by then it’s too late.

By the way, it is only at the end of the film one finds out that the film took place just before the creation of Pakistan because as Ali lies on the sand dying from his wounds he looks up to see a Pakistan flag on a fortress.

Yes, the symbolism is unmistakable ‘Pakistan is the fortress of Islam’ (albeit created by jihadists and not by cigar-smoking, English-speaking lawyers).

As Ali’s character rolls to his death over the sand dunes, Jinnah must’ve rolled in his grave.

Original poster of ‘International Gorillay’ The second film is 1990’s ‘International Gorillay’ (Gorillay in Urdu means guerrillas, but also gorillas!).

The film is a remarkable celebration of a post-Afghan-jihad resurgence of Pakistan’s convoluted belief of being a ‘fortress of Islam.’ It was a huge hit when it was released in mid-1990 and has become a cult classic amongst oddball Lollywood aficionados.

Directed by eccentric Pakistani film director, Jan Muhammad – who then went on to direct the delicious Lollywood rom-com ‘Kuriyoon koh dalay dana’ (direct translation: Feeding women seed) – the farce was also one of the first Pakistani films to be banned (on video) in Britain.

International Gorillay takes on author Salman Rushdie as the film’s main villain, but the ban on the video was lifted when Rushdie himself stepped in and asked the British censor board to allow its release.

Since the film is a masterpiece of tacky demagogic cinema, one can understand why Rushdie didn’t feel threatened or offended by the content.

Through his direction, Jan Muhammad was simply cashing in on the (largely delusional) high Pakistan as a country was experiencing at the retreat of the battered Soviet forces in Afghanistan and the (CIA aided) ‘victory of jihad.’

But according to some Lollywood insiders, Jan’s original plot of the film was a lot wider, revolving around a group of Pakistani mujahideen fighting in Afghanistan. But the story suddenly took a sharp turn when Rushdie’s ‘Satanic Verses’ controversy erupted in 1989, and Jan decided to make Rushdie the film’s main villain.

Thus, instead of seeing mujahids returning from fighting a successful ‘jihad’ against atheists, the film kicks off by presenting Pakistan and the Muslim world gripped by a grave crisis and being swallowed by the evil schemes of a sinister lobby of diabolic men.

This lobby includes Salman Rushdie (played by veteran TV and film actor, Afzal Ahmed), who has inexplicably started leading a menacing social and political onslaught on Pakistan through a gang of anti-Pakistan agents.

Salman Rushdie proves that sword is mightier (and more fun) than the pen. With Rushdie are some very South Asian looking men in curly blonde wigs whom we are told are Zionists working for a secret Israeli agency.

And, oh, they all speak fluent Punjabi.

Since Pakistan is the leading defender of Islam, the film suggests that if Pakistan falls to Rushdie’s menacing schemes, so shall the rest of the Islamic world.

The band of brothers: Mustafa Qureshi, Ghulam Mohiuddin and Javed Shiekh. Interestingly, Rushdie’s assault on Islam includes the unfathomable opening of a chain of casinos and discotheques in Pakistan! The fool could have made more money by opening madrassahs and TV news channels instead.

Alas, there is a heroic reaction to such conspiratorial debauchery. In a jarring scene involving some terrible acting and rhetorical dialogue, veteran Punjabi film actor, Mustafa Qureshi, playing an ex-cop, decides to create a ‘mujahid fauj’ (the proto-Taliban?) whose sole aim is to destroy Rushdie and ‘save Islam and Pakistan’ from Jewish conspiracies and, of course, from obscenity too.

The latter is a vital plot tool, giving the director the opportunity to show some lecherous disco and dance scenes without the danger of himself (and the audience) being labelled as soft-porn fans.

Apart from being an Israeli agent and an advocate of gambling, alcohol and free sex, Rushdie is also a master torturer. He torments captive Muslims by making them listen to the blasphemous sections of his book, ‘The Satanic Verses’!

The ex-cop has two younger brothers who are both unemployed (maybe because there are now only casinos, pubs and night clubs to work in?).

To counter Rushdie, he inducts two of his younger brothers in his ‘mujahid force.’

After getting combat training, the three-man ‘jihadi’ army decides to infiltrate Rushdie’s baleful gang by going undercover. And no, they don’t adorn blonde wigs, but slip into Batman costumes instead!

Obviously, who would notice three middle-aged men in 1960s Batman costumes, right?

Batmujahideen, two of them with mustaches. Two of the brothers, played by known film actors, Javed Shaikh and Ghulam Mohiuddin, were well in their forties at the time, a fact underlined by the wobbling bellies protruding forward from their Batman costumes. Qureshi was in his late fiffties.

After making their way into the conspiring gang of anti-Islam thugs, the three brothers, with the help of zany reactionary one-liners, karate chops, expert gun slinging and a few American SAM missiles, make a meal out of Rushdie and Co. and save Pakistan (and thus Islam).

What’s more they even manage to convert Salman Rushdie’s equally evil mistress called Dolly (played by the lovely Barbara Sharif). The voluptuous Dolly. Not even a menacing machine gun burst could stop the Batmujjahideen.

Voluptuous, wicked, scheming, drunk (and blue-eyed), Dolly finally sees the light after watching the wrath of God (attired in Batman suits) obliterate Rushdie. Rushdie in trouble. A red light strikes his eyes from the unknown regions of the sky. The Batmujahids sweared it was God, critics insisted it was bad FX.

Dolly’s conversion is quite a scene. Lights flicker, clouds thunder, the room whirls round and round, and the music reaches a crescendo as she weeps, sweats and shakes – it’s as if she’d just consumed a highly potent concoction of liquid LSD, magic mushrooms and bhang! Certainly my favourite scene in the film. And, oh, there’s also a shot of a huge palm tree at this visionary moment.

The palm tree again. International Gorrilay is a stroke of genius when it comes to campy demagogic cinema, and only an idiot can take it seriously as anything beyond being a highly enjoyable cinematic farce with lots of unintentional laughs.

But then, since extremists are usually idiots, I was wondering if, due to its bombastic, chauvinist antics, whether it actually ended up inspiring any future suicide bombers? The film was such a big hit that a sequel of sorts arrived in Pakistani cinemas sometime in 1996.

It was called ‘Alamy Ghuday’ (International Scoundrels). Though directed and plotted by a different director and having different set of performers (except Ghulam Mohiuddin), the film more than alludes to the happenings of its predecessor, ‘International Gorrilay‘.

Many years after Pakistan (and thus Islam) were saved from Rushdie and his gang of obscene blonde-wigged Zionist thugs, yet another anti-Pakistan (and thus anti-Islam) villain has risen (played by the malevolent Shafqat Cheema).

Cheema the heavy-drinking communist. His mission too is to harm Pakistan (and thus Islam) with the help of diabolical schemes and voluptuous disco dancing and binge drinking.

A group of passionate ‘young men’ (in their mid- and late-forties) and a damsel in distress take on the evil Cheema but are arrested by the cops along with the damsel’s weakling old father. Yes, the government of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan has sold out to the greedy ways of the villain’s sinister empire, and the frail father is dragged to the Supreme Court.

Here begins a terrific court scene. In it the damsel – in a red dress that is a freaky cross between a Wonder Woman costume and a Bedouin desert tent – is seen fervently arguing with a lawyer who wants the old man to be hanged.

She shouts away, condemning the spread of obscenity in a country made in the name of Islam, and passionately lamenting the practice of dishing out the law according to ‘ghair mulki’ (non-Pakistani and thus non-Islamic) law books. The red damsel worried about spread of obscenity

Incidentally a pile of such infidel books lies neatly stacked in front of the bewildered judge (played by the great Munawar Saeed).

The damsel then runs forward, picks up the books and flings them high into the air (in slow-motion), pleading that the prisoner’s case should be heard according to ‘Islami qanoon‘ (Islamic law). Well, the sort of qanoon she was pleading for would have first and foremost booked her for her delicious sense of dressing, but that’s beside the point.

We never see the books coming down as they defy gravity and all laws of physics by completely disappearing into thin air.

The judge suddenly sees the light and he flings away whatever books left sitting on his desk (these do manage to hit the floor). He decides to hear the case according to Islamic law. Yes, just like that.

After a lot of shouting and more flinging, the old man is released, and the group is given the green signal by the suddenly reformed state of Pakistan to go forth and demolish the wicked whisky drinking villain.

The scene is a classic example of a populist medium glorifying exactly the kind of self-righteous, isolationist and convoluted mindset we so seriously have to move away from. But I was more interested in my popcorn.

Even though I didn’t take this piece of cinematic nonsense seriously, I did wonder whether some people actually decided to act upon the message that the film was delivering, which, in a nutshell, was that everyone or everything that is not according to a squarely narrow, literalist understanding of the faith is up for spontaneous destruction, never mind the lavish Wonder Woman costume, mate!

Well, the mujahids – this time in Robin Hood costumes – blow the evil man’s empire to smithereens and once again save Pakistan (and thus Islam) from the evils of Zionism and, of course, alcohol and disco dancing.

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Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

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The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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Comments (75) (Closed)


annu
Apr 25, 2013 09:22am
i thoroughly enjoyed it.thankyou :)
Haris
Apr 25, 2013 09:18am
hahaha....
anil gupta
Apr 26, 2013 03:55am
Should be sarcasm..but if he would hv added wink smiley
G.A.
Apr 25, 2013 06:15pm
If there are 'geniuses' who can produce such riffraff or act in it then there surely must be even bigger 'geniuses' out there who can take such productions as the truth.
Jamshaid Imam
Apr 25, 2013 06:00pm
though I mostly disagree from the writer for keeping extreme stance against anyone wth whom he disagrees but this is very well put. I agree with every point he made above. Thanks for a gud write NFP:-)
Mariam
Apr 25, 2013 06:49pm
I know International Gorillay is available on YouTube. I watched it today after reading this fantastic piece.
malole
Apr 25, 2013 06:58am
This is why we need the Tahafiz Pakistan and slieu of other outfits and lashkars to save us (and Islam).
seeb
Apr 25, 2013 09:54am
Maza aagaya. Now time to go see these movies with my alcohol and dancing girls
G.A.
Apr 25, 2013 06:20pm
@sandeep Singh. - dont get too excited. It's only a notch below Bul-sh**-wood.
Rozenberg
Apr 25, 2013 12:03pm
too good!
Human
Apr 26, 2013 06:53am
Are they working on any new project in Lollywood where an Ahmadi or Shia Sangram is enlightened by dead Osama to convert to 9-11 bomber ? That will be really something to watch for next few generations... Keep up udpated NFP !
GhostRider
Apr 25, 2013 09:49am
"highly potent concoction of liquid LSD, magic mushrooms and bhang!" This was an epic combination of words, I am in office and my colleagues are asking why am I laughing lolzz
zeerak
Apr 25, 2013 07:09am
Good one. I do not however think that Lollywood has had in recent decades a following large enough to affect the collective mindset of Pakistani masses--unlike Bollywood that penetrates much deeper. What has consolidated the self-righteous right-wing ultra-conservative fundamentalist mindset are the post-Zia books and popular TV.
Room For Everyone
Apr 25, 2013 04:49pm
I've been shouting this for a long time.. Give us weed and sex and we don't want any revolution. There's a group of evil men who want to dominate the world, so be it, give us these two things and there won't be any killings or misery. I mean won't it be simpler?
Sandeep Singh
Apr 25, 2013 05:01pm
Masterpiece from LOL-LOL-Wood ;-)
krishnan
Apr 25, 2013 11:59pm
"To counter Rushdie, he inducts two of his younger brothers in his ‘mujahid force.’ After getting combat training, the three-man ‘jihadi’ army decides to infiltrate Rushdie’s baleful gang by going undercover. And no, they don’t adorn blonde wigs, but slip into Batman costumes instead! Obviously, who would notice three middle-aged men in 1960s Batman costumes, right?" Did they also wear black kachchas ?
Pacifica
Apr 25, 2013 06:17pm
Batmujahideen sound hilarious! I'm off to see if I can find any of these online. These films sound like they're so much crap they're actually good.
hc
Apr 25, 2013 10:54pm
'Well, the sort of qanoon she was pleading for would have first and foremost booked her for her delicious sense of dressing, but that’s beside the point' hAHAA:D... ON a serious note I am so glad of the topics that you pick and write..its a perspecetive on history of Pakistan that someone from my generation would never know existed:P
Sami
Apr 26, 2013 02:07am
And to cap it Pak heart throb Nazia Hassan promoted Disco and probably due to this paid with her life
Nauman
Apr 25, 2013 08:45am
Wow! Three films plus Zia ul Haq was the start "jis ne saray Pakistan ka berha gharak kar diya". @Guest63: What a wonderful true life episode. I loved this "I Will Never Stay in this so called “mujahid factory ” for one day longer than I can every day from there was a revelation of the worst kind of inhumane acts forced down into my throat under the disguise making a sailor of Islam out of me . it took me 3.5 long lost years of my youthful life that finally i managed to say good bye and leave ….. the day i walked out of the gates for the final steps , i swore never in my life i will allow or encourage my off springs and who ever would listen to my relatives" - Bravo, my friend you should write a book.
Ram
Apr 26, 2013 06:11pm
If I have to summarize it will be "reap what you sow", a poor boy watching these movies is now grown up terrorist.
zaid haris
Apr 25, 2013 02:01pm
NFP, i remember when as a child, When I used to visit in marriage functions in Punjab. There were some typical rural comedian ( called Pund in Punjabi Language) . They cut jokes how name of movies have been changed after Zia Islamisation for eg 1) Original name ''Wahsi Jat" ( Wild Jat) name changed to "Wahshi Maulvi"( Wild Cleric) 2) Original name "Wohti Mera Veer Di" ( Wife of my Brother) name changed to 'Maseet Mera Veer Di" (Mosque of my Brother)
gotti
Apr 26, 2013 06:57am
I am surprised and to a large extent, depressed, that no one saw the author's ability to critique pieces of art and relate it to us in the way that he has. If the author continues this critique of Pakistani film-making, no matter how torturous the experience of having to watch the most idiotic of storylines, concocted by minds that seem to have been rotting away for centuries in deserts from where Genghis Khan's troops had passed by, our culture can be called just that: culture. Right now, it can't be called anything, "culture" is a long shot. I find that everyone picked up on the political message but didn't notice (because they couldn't) the author's combined literary and observational abilities that can lead our nation's filmmakers and audience (already striving for thought provoking films) to improve and learn, respectively, from what the critics like the author of this piece, writes. This is far removed from what anyone can understand, including the commenters (thus, they didn't comment on it), but very important because I remember the folks at Geo silencing those who were criticizing the movie, "Bol". Not criticizing art and changing after what the critics say would mean it is not art but dictatorial propaganda. The storyline was great but the acting, cinematography and the relation of the grim story was unbearable. Not sharing this opinion or accepting it would mean Geo films is out to start "dictating" what it wants promoted and organizations like Dawn should take note instead of blindly letting Geo hog the limelight. Mesmerized hosts of Dawn didn't realize that this movie isn't for Pakistanis but for Geo films - Dawn should take the initiative of competing as it will benefit Pakistan's culture, too - BTW, culture of a nation is now created through films, as once only poetry played a role. Also, I believe critics like these are also lacking for music and need to be given a huge presence on sites like Dawn, without care for the sensitive and fragile egos of so-called "artists". If they can't take criticism, then, they shouldn't take the mic. I am still upset to have to see the out of sync Ali Gul Pir get famous instead of a kid from Lyari rapping, internationally (there are a lot of good ones that can be easily googled). Given that hip/hop is an art-from that is meant for those in the inner-city slums, it was depressing to see someone coming from the suburbs like DHA, Pakistan's version of Beverly Hills or Orange County, taking the spotlight instead of a hardcore Lyariite, whose music is genuine and "real". FYI, last time a rapper came out of a suburb thinking he could rap, people called him a joke, whilst he called himself, K-Fed. No one bothered to do that for this gentleman's mockery of rap or even Adil Omar's, given that we don't have critics and neither do people allow those that are, a voice, because they believe the "fame" of these artists is very fragile and shouldn't be up for debate. So much for trying to create a free and open society. Anywhoo, with regard to the movies, Pakistanis cannot watch Bollywood (only 40% of total Indian production) anymore, which is why Hollywood movies and particularly, three-D ones are picking up in their popularity amongst the Pakistani youth and other movie-going demographic sections. Unfortunately, Pakistanis cannot relate to UP/Bihar and Marathi street lingo or have the patience to enjoy it in every new, and boring Bollywood release. The twisted facial expressions of romance and people returning from the dead, or getting reincarnated, is not something that one can repeatedly enjoy and especially not now when there are cinemas available for decent families, who would rather watch something better (now, it is Hollywood). This is unlike before, in that, such folks couldn't visit theatres due to the crowds and the movies were unbearable like the ones mentioned by the author. The question being asked was, could they have been inspired? Yes, given that there was clearly an audience for such non-sense. But, can the same be said, now, a decade later? No, not anymore. However, what are they getting to watch, now, that they wouldn't be prone to accepting such idiotic themes? There needs to be an overhaul of the Pakistani film industry, or a creation of it, not a "revival", given that only things that once existed, can be revived. As the industry has started to pick up steam and gain relevance outside of money laundering, one should welcome the author to expand his versatile writing ability to also contribute in critiquing current Pakistani films, as well, regardless of political affiliation (and yes, I am referring to Chambaili, a movie that would've been dismissed a few years ago as mere commie propaganda). Like the author, Tipu was also very intelligent, funny, creative and artistic. Given the Pakistani environment that wastes such talents, and forces them to become hopeless, the author might have faced his share of battling inner demons just like Tipu, but unlike him, the author won. The author didn't just "disappear" and his presence today is a testament to his relevance for Pakistan. One has to rise above and learn to balance God-gifted abilities with the prevailing environment that is far below them. Not doing so is far more damaging to the culture that could've benefitted from them than their own "selfs". Mr. Paracha's input and contribution to art is the need of the hour. It is relatively cheap to make a movie in Pakistan, so Dawn should fund one and utilize this man as an asset outside of blogging, too. Not doing it will bear testament to the fact that Dawn, and as an extension, Pakistani elites, are myopic and lack foreseeability, which is what has essentially trickled down to make our less-educated peoples the exact same thing, albeit, more crudely so.
Zeeshan Shamsi
Apr 26, 2013 03:02am
I also love the sound effects in these movies. They are unique from both an academic and entertainment point of you.
BE
Apr 26, 2013 03:05am
Thanks for the presentation of these 3 movies. I will definitely try to find them somewhere. I just have to see the "Batmujahideens" and the "flying books".
Ali Arslan Syed
Apr 26, 2013 06:10am
Pakistani's are doomed. And still Majority of them are hypo-crates and bigots!!!
Madhu
Apr 26, 2013 08:00am
Ha! Ha! watched this climax in YT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eoNLlHzPhI Its so funny 0:57 its Sharmila Farooqi look-alike... LOL
concerned
Apr 26, 2013 08:12am
NFP you are god of satire well written with superb message. this message might be understood by few and they will lament what a bigoted society we are.
treeelf
Apr 26, 2013 07:08am
I really want to show these to my students. Where did you get hold of them?
Guest63
Apr 25, 2013 07:21pm
When Afghan jehad started , The Naseem Hijazi Mujahid raring to emulate those fictitious heros , was already dead , buried and gone with the wind ... at least a decade earlier. The earlier time was 1965 war while I was still at high school under the strict watchful eyes of 3 towering siblings ( suffocated one may say by recalling those young years retrospectively ! ) even coming late due to school timing was admonished ... so No Jehadi set up could have stolen me from those 3 eagles But the desire was there ( thanks to Naseem Hijazi's superb narrations in his novels )
Guest63
Apr 25, 2013 08:23am
Sir , I do not know if you will print this but Thats your prerogative I will accept so i write my life experience too .... I was 10 years old when I first read the book ( i never knew any nale called novel !) Dastane Mujahid ( naseem Hijazi ) my first taste with life of a Mujahid I loved it !, when I moved to high school I was given the task of Library coordinator which opened up wast books to read , I read all of Naseem Hijazi's Novels and my appetite for a Mujahid's increased many times . I also read "Al Farooq from Egyptian Hussain M Haikul and the portrayal of Gen Ghalid bin Waleed was the crowning moment of my fantasy based Mujahid ... So I was determined in my mind to go to Army and try emulate my heros ( more of Naseem Hijazi than of Hussain Hakel I must admit ! ) Alas when I finished my high school The bar to join army was raised from Matric to FA/FSC .. so the first dent into my dream Never mind I did not give up the dream and eventually joined Navy ( not for join the navy and see the world type dream But to be a much lesser Mujahid ! ) and on the very first evening My Dream run was shattered to pieces , when under the disguise rules of "a trainee sailor" , my most prized hairs ( my brown mustaches and my head were shaven off ! a personal physical humiliation i could have tolerated with a pinch of salt so that my dream to be lesser mujahid can be reached !) but i could never digest the morale humiliations of given a silver plate and a silver mug to go in the line and sort of beg my evening meal from the kitchen manned by rude cooks and menancing trainer in the toe . with that the mujahid "naseem hijazi " created in me died for ever and i swore with every bite of the hard bread i could swallow , I Will Never Stay in this so called "mujahid factory " for one day longer than I can every day from there was a revealation of the worst kind of inhumane acts forced down into my throat under the disguise making a sailor of islam out of me . it took me 3.5 long lost years of my youthful life that finally i managed to say good bye and leave ..... the day i walked out of the gates for the final steps , i swore never in my life i will allow or encourage my off springs and who ever would listen to my reatives , to ever dream of such life of Naseem Hijazi's Mujahid or come close to it ..... in my humble opinion , if i could forsake such tendencies of becoming a Mujahid , every tom dick and hary , who can think and analyse , can forsake it
Capt C M Khan
Apr 25, 2013 02:11pm
@ Karachi Wala...you are correct any women from there even the types you see in Jerry Springer show will be welcomed now that the situation is so bad. They can work MIRACLES with these extremists anywhere and bring PEACE.
Somnath
Apr 26, 2013 02:55am
No Amit, the message was, Pakistan is rakhwale of Islam, Everybody else are infidels. Really appreciate the presentation, thought process, the choice of matter. More such writings and not the CIA aided Islamic extremism, can bring out Pakistan, my brother, my neighbor out of its present situation.
kanwal
Apr 25, 2013 07:08pm
NFP, you deserve any number of awards and praises for writing things like these .
Guest63
Apr 26, 2013 06:59am
thank you sir for your kind words and moral support . Every young man one day or the other decided to get those lip hairs shaved off But that is personal choice not forced one . When you force some one against one's will , its called personal humiliation ( which was the first lightening which struck my Mujahid heroworshiping ) , the tin plate and a tin mug and go begging for the meal (sort of ) was the 2nd but the biggest and the strongest of them all was , when the time came to get my first Salary , i was forced to line up , salute the big fat tummy officer , remove my cap , extend it towards him , so he can put my salary in it , then put on the cap with money in it , take step back and salute him again and walk away .... This was the last straw ( but I had to do it every month for all those 3.5 years and every month killed and killed again that mujahid image piece by piece ) . I would not have imagined in my wildest dreams to be honored like that . I quit the moment I got the chance though the collegues and commanding officer if the batch , tried to coax me by dangling the carrots of a bright future career he sees for me and my collegues acknowledged I was destined to get there . I did not narrate this dark episode of "a Muslim Sailor cum Mujahid faced every pay day of the 3.5 years , cos people might think I am hell bent of defaming the sacred cow called Defense force of the country , But this is Exactly , how I and every body with me , was paid the stipend ( I would not call it a salary ) every month ..... The Naseem Hijazi mujahid was dead cos he never expected such sub humane treatment
Hurlykhan
Apr 25, 2013 06:43pm
gr8! I don't always agree with NFP's political opinions but thanks alot for this masterpiece. It's rare to read something intelligent and funny(I was giggling in my office)...addictive, we want more doses of this talent writer!
Milind
Apr 26, 2013 05:35am
Don't take it personally bro!!! Bul-sh**-wood as you said is Bul-sh**wood... But it doesn't spread hatred amongst communities (atleast intentionally). Nevertheless I wait for the day when NFP does a write-up similar to the above on Bollywood movies and takes them apart!!! LOL!!! Hilarious piece from NFP.....
Arifq
Apr 25, 2013 06:38pm
Some say Tussi some say Thussi....same same
Batmujahid
Apr 25, 2013 07:11pm
@Guest63 I feel for you, as countless young men must have been duped by this Naseem Hijazi's body of work into imagining themselves as Mahdi, Rambo and McGyver rolled into one complete package. NFP writes about these same boys in this excellent article who might take the movies under review as absolute truth and not the cynical money-making enterprise they were. And what does the trimming of your most prized hairs and routine mess hall hazing have to do with abandoning your mujahid dream? I thank you sir for quitting the Navy. We are all the much safer for it.
Masood Hussain
Apr 25, 2013 07:14pm
Let us try to find the way out of this dark tunnel we are trapped in.
LMGO
Apr 26, 2013 04:22am
Time to make a sequel of all three, or 3 in1 .....garunteed blockbuster, provided the prevailing situation
Capt C M Khan
Apr 25, 2013 07:24pm
@ Room..the TT are getting more than enough weed but NO WOMAN...that is the problem.
Imran Hussain
Apr 25, 2013 07:30pm
Or Evil is Disco ;-)
arslansaeed001
Apr 26, 2013 02:55am
Amazing write up! An easy way to tell people that where they are trapped, and why they need to get out from it. We really need such write-ups for the morning doses.
Arifq
Apr 25, 2013 07:32am
NFP, Thussi great ho!
AA
Apr 25, 2013 03:36pm
Culture is a powerful driver of change, good or bad.
ghaleezguftar
Apr 25, 2013 03:24pm
ahhh! the yearning to become a pakistani noam chomsky!
Fascist
Apr 25, 2013 07:28am
Epic!!
AK
Apr 26, 2013 09:34pm
Funny as hell NFP. I remebr watching Pakistani movies on video for laughs in the 90s. They were funny as hell, off course without any intention of being funny. Just anothe reminder why Pakistani film industy went belly up.
Salman Rajan
Apr 25, 2013 07:26am
Brilliant piece Sir ! Looking forward for an article based oin Imran Series Novels by Mazhar Kaleem. They too are based on the similar plot based on Yahoodi Gunday !
amit (India)
Apr 25, 2013 04:03pm
I think the clear message coming out of the three movies is but one: DISCO IS EVIL!!
Maanav
Apr 25, 2013 06:51pm
Well, I did the same for the Batman costumes and everyone looked at me!!!
Tanveer,Sialkot
Apr 25, 2013 06:08pm
And our national pastime is to shoot at women,bombing masjids and finally though we copy all things,we ask our Chinese Chapti brothers to do it for us as we dont have the knowledge nor the technology to copy.
Imran Hussain
Apr 25, 2013 07:47pm
I do not know how you were able to watch it :-). I do not have the stomach of watching this non-sense ;-), I quit it after first 15 minutes.
Mahwish Arif
Apr 25, 2013 12:45pm
genius. God I am missing Lollywood! :p
Pakistani
Apr 25, 2013 12:37pm
The National past time of Indians 1. copy Hollywood films 2. Harassing / Assaulting Women
suleman
Apr 25, 2013 01:02pm
"flash of lightening striking across the night sky on a perfectly sunny afternoon." Hahahaha!
Capt C M Khan
Apr 25, 2013 12:37pm
NFP one aspect is common in all three movies. Classy, Lovely, sexy, curvy women! That is the biggest problem with the EXTREMISTS, because to have such women the guy himself must be Classy, educated, cultured,law abiding, hard working. These Extremists do not have this so what they do??? Spoil the Party and make life difficult for hardworking, tax paying, law abiding Pakistanis. Instead of Drones only if US had landed women in Tribal areas they would have the extremists eating from the palms of their hands..
Karachi Wala
Apr 25, 2013 01:15pm
@ malole, after reading NFP's blog and guest63's post, your post can not be anything but sarcastic.
Junaid
Apr 25, 2013 02:12pm
I wrote a similar piece on Dastaaan Imaan Farossho ki ( The tale of traitors of faith). You can read it here sjunaidn.blogspot.com.au/2011/06/tale-of-traitors-of-faith.html
Vijay
Apr 25, 2013 02:12pm
The best way to thank NFP is to watch all three movies. In one sitting!
Vijay
Apr 25, 2013 02:14pm
GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!
Foreign Leg
Apr 25, 2013 09:04am
Hilarious and dark! Truly awesome narration!
Erum Mateen
Apr 25, 2013 12:21pm
This is exactly what makes a great film review. Even more enjoyable than the films itself. Kudos, NFP, you did it again.
Hitesh Munjani
Apr 25, 2013 10:48am
No more sequel needed for this , as all these dramas are happening in reality in nowadays Pakistan.
Batmujahud
Apr 25, 2013 06:54pm
Oh wow, and we Pakistanis copy Indian films and assault children. That makes us so much better, right?
Faisal Hamid
Apr 25, 2013 08:50am
Arifq, you mean to say "Tussi Great Ho".....Right?
sanjay mittal
Apr 25, 2013 11:32am
NFP if ever a person dies while laughing and out of excess laughter... it would be me after reading this edition of Cafe black! Cmon fellow human beings who happen to be Pakistanis or Indians... this is one world, one sun, one atmosphere. We could be HIndus or Buddhists or Muslims or CHristians or Qadinis or atheists. Let us enjoy the planet and differences, rather than think of converting and making it a one religion, one thought process world. Three cheers for NFP again!
Karachi Wala
Apr 25, 2013 01:43pm
@ Capt. If the kind of women your suggesting are sent to Pakistan as well, with $$ on their palms, it will not only help to calm the situation in Pakistan and Afghanistan but the world over.
Mujaahid
Apr 25, 2013 01:41pm
The red damsel is out of this world! Thank you Sir!
Karachi Wala
Apr 25, 2013 01:52pm
@ Well done Guest63. It would be interesting to see how would you have reacted if right after reading all the Nasim Hijazis you had landed into the guerrilla camps of Taliban fighting the Afghan jihad.
Rubina Qadir
Apr 25, 2013 11:35am
Hilarious! Loved the way you cut through the bizarreness of these films, NFP.
Karachi Wala
Apr 25, 2013 01:25pm
Fortunately or unfortunately I have not watched any of the movies. However, thanks NFP for painting all the movies in such a way, that while reading, I felt if I was sitting in either Prince or Bambino cinema of yesteryears. Your narration of each film is simply hilarious! Thank you
Rizwan Rana
Apr 25, 2013 12:12pm
BatMujahideen!....priceless!
G.A.
Apr 25, 2013 12:01pm
NFP, You went through nine hours of torment only to warn us that we not watch this riffraff or fall for its message. How can we ever thank you?