290-Mad-Chef-inside
Hello viewers, welcome to another episode of ‘The Fundo Foodie.’ Yes, my cooking show is just like most other cooking shows in Pakistan where chefs share very Arabic sounding thoughts on faith with recipes of some very French sounding dishes.

So my dear ummahs and ummies, let’s start today’s show with a valuable spiritual tip: After a hearty meal, make sure you don’t burp more than three times. Three burps are not only good for your gastro health but your spiritual health as well.

Here, see: Burp! Burp! Burp! Do you see a burst of faint bright light emitting from my mouth and surrounding my head with a donut-shaped halo?

Once you have achieved this, decorate the halo with your choice of cream and bite it – but not more than thrice, okay?

Here, see: Bite! Bite! Bite! Mmmm … tastes like heaven.

Of course, to the unbelievers I might as well be jumping and biting thin air, but what do these misguided souls know. My advice: Kill them.

Black_Holy_Donut_by_Eliina_loves_cupcake

Now that we have spiritually prepared ourselves to cook a meal and book a place for ourselves at the grand dinner table in Paradise, let me share with you a very special recipe: Lashkar-e-Biryani.

This mouth-watering and bloodletting dish was first introduced in our Cholesterol Sey Paak Republic some 15 years ago by some deeply faithful chefs incensed by Muslims who were burping more than thrice and had no choice but to eat either Secular Paloa or Kafiri Koftay.

So dear viewers, every time you order food from a take-out or at a restaurant, make sure to ask about the faith and sect of the cook, as well as of the food.

‘Is this keema Shia or Sunni?’ ‘What about the carrot? Deobandi or Barelvi?’ ‘And this egg. Is it from a Muslim chicken or a Hindu one?’ Things like that.

This is the best way to gain the favor (and flavor) of true faith. And remember: Three burps. Not more, not less.  Burp! Burp! Burp!

Let’s start now and cook some Lashkar-e-Biryani.

pizap.com10.322291892021894451361943483486

This is what you’ll need:

1 kilo Middle Eastern rice drenched in crude oil; ½ kilo meat from the rump of a cow suffering from the mad cow disease; 4 tablespoons of khaki biryani masala; Assorted nuts; Two sticks of dynamite.

Put the rice, meat, masala and nuts in a strategically placed cooking bowl over the two dynamite sticks. Light the fuse of the sticks after shouting ‘Death to infidels!’

Wait for the explosion. Boom! Cough, cough, cough … the … the … biryani .. is … cough, cough … ready.

Yes, I know my body has separated from my head, but, dear ummahs and ummies, think about my soul. Yes, it’s gone to heaven.

kitchen_fire

Now, if you can follow where my head is, and if I can find at least one of my hands … there. There it is. Oh, that’s the producer’s hand? Sorry. There, that’s mine. It has a halo around the pinkie finger.

See viewers, how delicious the biryani looks. Mmmm …

Thud! Never mind that. That’s just the cameraman’s left leg falling off. He’s feeling particularly spiritual.

So, let’s take your calls now. Hello?

Hello, I am great fan of show of you.

Well, thank you. Did you enjoy today’s recipe?

Yes, enjoy blast now I blast too.

Great! But remember: Three burps. Burp! Burp! Burp! Okay?

Okay yes now I go blast infidels with biryani clean Bakistan of bad sects and sex agents of America, Jew, Hindu, eggs, carrots, keema …

Beautiful. Good luck. Next caller. Hello?

Hello.

Caller, us Muslims shouldn’t say hello. It’s very Christian.

But you said hello first.

I did?

Yes.

Hmmm … are you sure?

Yes, I am.

Are you by any chance a non-Muslim?

No, I’m Muslim.

Are you sure?

Yes, very sure.

Then why did you say hello?

You said it first.

I did?

Yes.

Hmmm … is your name by any chance Donald or Dev or …

No, my name is Ahmed!

What, Ahmedi?

No, Ahmed …

… Kill the call, kill the call! Next caller, please. Hello, I mean, al-hello!

I have a question, chef sahib.

Yes, please ask.

What if after a meal one burps more than thrice?

That’s a great sin, Miss.

I’m not a Miss., I’m a Mister.

You sound like a Miss. Are you by any chance … not straight?

Not straight?

Yes. Are you not normal, manly, faithful and three-burp-strong?

Well, I …

Kill the call, kill the call! Next caller. Al-hello!

I blast man back.

Well, al-hello again.

I make biryani and kill many infidels with food poisoning.

Did they enjoy the biryani?

I enjoy, they die.

Good. Did it fill you up enough?

I don’t knows, reallys.

What do you mean?

My body back in restaurant. My head here.

But your soul in Paradise, friend.

Yes. Burp, burp, burp … burp!

That’s four burps!

Yes, I …

Kill the call, kill the call!

 


Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

 

 


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

Updated Feb 28, 2013 08:16am

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Comments (66) (Closed)


Sidhus
Feb 28, 2013 08:07pm
I have frequently read your blogs and you hit the last nail in political coffin. A correction this whole malaria of sectarianism stated with Gen Zia. I was in high school back then and by the time I finished first half of second year things were turned very ugly. Then the whole thing stopped for few years all the so called defenders of religion started to water the fields of hatred till it blossomed to a point where Muslim belonging to different sects cannot even tolerate to stand next to each other let alone respect one-another.
Laeeq, NY
Feb 28, 2013 08:04pm
Yes, when living in a foreing country, all they care if the food is not from any Ahmadi shop, even though they can eat at McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, IHOP, or any other american restaurant.
The Pious One
Mar 01, 2013 12:24am
Oh, so it must be you then that I see regularly sitting in that Dearborn joint drinking halal stuff on the rocks. What a poser? Allah bachai 'naujawano' se.
abbastoronto
Feb 28, 2013 07:58pm
In Dearborn MI, the Arab America, where I spend much time these days these ads are side by side on bars. Happy hour (when alcohol drinks are 1/2 price) 4-6 pm. We serve only Halal. LOL
abbastoronto
Mar 01, 2013 03:39am
with sharabe tahoor.
Ali
Feb 28, 2013 07:16pm
its allowed in islam to take any medicine even its haram, if one is seriously ill
Jamal
Feb 28, 2013 01:26pm
Nadeem you are such a pleasure to read. Keep writing..
ranganath
Mar 01, 2013 07:16am
Is insisting halal meat for hygiene or religious purpose?
Ganesh (India)
Feb 28, 2013 12:19pm
If you cant understand or don't want to understand then better not read his article. Nobody will force you in to reading. No point in asking him stop writing...
Shehnilaz
Feb 28, 2013 12:49pm
some of the sweets have gelatin in them and if that gelatin is made from any non halal animal then of course the sweet is not halal. Mainly people check breads, sweets, fruit yoghurt for gelatin
IndianTraveller
Mar 01, 2013 04:26am
I was transiting through Hong Kong a couple of years back with my friends and we were desperately searching for some Indian food, after surviving on pizzas and steamed rice at Macau. Came across a Punjabi eatery run by a Pakistani, who assured that he will make a vegetarian meal for me. Man! I was surprised. The food tasted great. It was similar and yet so different from the Punjabi cuisine we have in India. And the chef was very friendly and hospitable. We loved that meal and that is the only memory we have on that short stay at Hong Kong. Would love to try some more stuff, if there is any Lahori/Peshawari restaurant near Mumbai.
pathanoo
Feb 28, 2013 11:25pm
What is such a big deal about alcohol?
Zalim Singh
Mar 01, 2013 02:52am
Dear sir you have good tastes.
abbastoronto
Mar 01, 2013 03:25am
LOL. Good one. Never thought of that till now. Will take up on your offer.
Parvez
Mar 01, 2013 01:47pm
if its good for physical health why don't you contemplate moving to being a veggy altogether.. morever you will be saving a lot of animal lives.
smooky
Mar 01, 2013 01:33am
serve this dish to taliban khan + nawaz e sharifain+ mulla diesel+jamat e amrica+lashkar e jhanumi
ali abbas
Feb 28, 2013 06:49pm
No Edmond, these maulanas have no trouble "taking" anything that serve their interest. These instructions are for the majority feeble minded Muslims especially Pakistanis.
Syed Hydar
Mar 01, 2013 12:57pm
i love briyani!
Schazad
Feb 28, 2013 06:10pm
I don't know what the hell are you doing on this forum.
ali abbas
Feb 28, 2013 06:45pm
Dude why not read something you can relate to and understand. May be "Dr" Tahir ul Qadri has a new book out or new famous Taliban literature which speaks to you. No one is forcing to read this.
Akram
Feb 28, 2013 09:23pm
It is perfectly allowed in Islam to take a medicine even if it contains non-halal ingredients. Not only that, pork is allowed to counter starvation.
Rehan
Feb 28, 2013 09:50pm
Krish I loved reading your post. Pakistani restaurants in Dubai are predominantly Pakistani Pathan restaurants which are mild-spicy and a bit bland compared with Lahore Punjabi cooking.You need to come to Lahore for the proper taste, albeit a bit oily. Bheja fry is ironically a favourite. Make what you will of that!
iqbal sialkotia
Feb 28, 2013 09:48pm
Dear Mr.Paracha: It is always a pleasure to read your articles. I would also add few questions and answers: Q: Are you sure you are a Muslim? A: Yes , I am. Q. Then how come you don't have a beard? A. Because I believe I can be Muslim without having to have a beard. I don't think you have a right to decide who is a Muslim. Let me ask you: Can you even define "who is a Muslim". Now let me tell you that you cannot define who is a Muslim. But let me tell you who you are? You are a Criminal and your group is a Criminal Sundicate because you are killing innocent Muslim men, women , even childrren. So please do not tell me I am not a Muslim. I believe we should have a "Beard Tax" just like it was in Soviet Union. Then we will see how so-called Mullahs (in fact criminals) will have beard. Iqbal Sialkotia
my name is khan
Feb 28, 2013 06:25pm
lashkar e biryani hilarious
abbastoronto
Mar 01, 2013 03:37am
Just heard this from a Mullah who moved here to Canada from Europe. He recounts that when he arrived in Holland many years ago he met an old-timer whose job was to make rounds of slaughterhouses to see if they were conforming to Sharia. Most of them were compliant. Then he invited the newcomer to see what gets sent to Saudi Arabia. Lo and behold this outfit was a gem, with a throughput of 1,000 chicken per day per station compared to the usual 50 in others. All automated, but NOT conforming to the Sharia. So folks, if you happen to be in Saudi Arabia for Hajj or Umra or whatever, avoid eating meat, and tell your folks working there to do the same. Eating meat may nullify any thawabs that you may have accumulated in the trip. Sure, you can do without meat for a while. Moreover, it is good for your physical health as well. Here is another real life story from a French colleague who was sent to the Holy Land of Riyadh in the 1980s from Bell Canada that had a humongous contract with Saudi Tel. He was often offered alcoholic drinks at the homes of his Saudi counterparts who imbibed freely. To his credit he always refused, fearing that it might be used against him should the hosts try to frame him one day if he did not toe the line at work. O Tempora, o mores.
chump
Feb 28, 2013 09:14pm
By reading NFP got Enlightened up, after giving lot of hate comments at Hagel's statement. Going to read it again. NFP is one of the reason I got addicted to Dawn.
Ahmed
Feb 28, 2013 08:57am
It was a waste of time reading this. If you feel like not writing then dont write please NFP.
Joe
Feb 28, 2013 08:46pm
Hilarious. Now it will be hard to look at another dish of biryani without laughing. (And must remember to bow and burp thrice toward the al-chef.)
Cyrus Howell
Feb 28, 2013 06:07pm
Christian Scientists do not go to doctors or hospitals. They believe only in healing through prayer. They refuse medical help for their own children. So one does not take medicine made from non halal sources if one's faith is strong.
Saba Yunus
Feb 28, 2013 12:07pm
You're crazy, NFP and I love you for that!!
Krish Chennai
Feb 28, 2013 04:23pm
Humourous writing, but still misses the bigger picture, which is, as Lin Yutang said " Patriotism is nothing more than a love for one's native food ", so Pakistanis may have a good deal to proud of, even with the misconceived three burps or what is or is not halal, or trying to be the true representatives worldwide, of faith and religion. Though I do indulge in haraam activities like boozing or smoking, I am a vegetarian myself, force of Brahmin habit, and during my visit to Dubai a couple of months back, hunted out Pakistani restaurants for their tasty vegetarian fare, often coming with only one veg side-dish apart from the puffed Roti, Would love to visit Dubai again, only and just to have this Pakistani type of vegetarian cuisine, Since getting to Pakistan itself as an Indian is not an easy task, at least right now.
AHA
Mar 01, 2013 11:43am
And I miss the Indian 'Puri Bhaji'.
Nauman
Feb 28, 2013 03:13pm
Hilarious !!!!!
Edmond
Feb 28, 2013 02:57pm
And what if a life saving medicine is made from a non-halal product? Do you not take it and wait to die? Some of the widespread use of compost and fertilizers have non-halal stuff, do you not eat fruit and vegetables which is grown in it?
observer
Feb 28, 2013 11:20am
Waste of time.
Farooq Ali
Feb 28, 2013 11:21am
Intresting scenes are witnessed in air travel the meal tray served has enough for appetite san few pieces of meat , but thanks to halal debate as it allows ample time to engage an airhostess in endless arguments.
Ali S
Feb 28, 2013 03:58pm
gibberish
AM
Feb 28, 2013 10:33am
Not a doubt about that.
Atheoi
Feb 28, 2013 04:45pm
Could have been even better if the link to the video of Behading of the chicken/turkey is posted too. I hope Biryani was served at the APC yesterday by Mulana Fazl-ul-Taliban to Nawazul-ul-Harmeann-ul-Sharif .
AlbatrossLondon
Feb 28, 2013 10:24am
This is macabre humour. Tobah, tobah. The recipes described herein are seemingly of the Pastoral and Agrarian Economy era. Following either is continuing under the influence of Western hegemony. Please bring yourself back in to current times with new dishes of the Exchange Economy era being developed jointly in Afghanistan and Sudan. Loved it NFP
khan
Feb 28, 2013 10:24am
WTF
Infi
Feb 28, 2013 09:59am
Al hell-o! Kill the cat!
Nauman
Feb 28, 2013 09:54am
I need a halal insurance first to answer that.
abbastoronto
Mar 01, 2013 03:24am
No big deal, but leads to bigger deals, all bad.
Sahil
Feb 28, 2013 09:50am
what did you understand from the article?
IndianDude
Feb 28, 2013 05:24pm
Ahmed? Are you an ahmedi by any chance?
A.Nasser
Feb 28, 2013 02:40pm
Agree, I did not read the article, as a matter of fact I hardly read anything by NFP. He is always hitting the same target - anybody on right side of political divide, anybody who is not a secular in his preconceived notion. He is a pseudo socialist who is a diehard Jayala of PPP.
Karachi Wala
Feb 28, 2013 02:41pm
Why one less tobah....Dont' you know it should atleast be three? .Kill AlbatrossLondon
Rashid Sultan
Mar 01, 2013 12:42pm
You are such a funny bunny! A Shia bunny? A Sunni Bunny? No a Funny Bunny! Baat ab bani
riz
Feb 28, 2013 09:42am
pseudo-secular crap/garbage!
Rehan
Feb 28, 2013 05:02pm
An opportune take to relieve the pressure valve. Hope psi reading is well below the red marker now.
nABEEL
Feb 28, 2013 07:34am
Food Delight NFP and the Cooking Show
malik
Feb 28, 2013 07:35am
Thanks for reminding me to cook biryani tomorrow.
Guru
Feb 28, 2013 09:15am
I had an al-burp, halal one, while reading this. Hilarious..
bkt
Feb 28, 2013 07:53am
This issue of food is becoming a big problem abroad for a lot of Pakistanis, especially from small towns in Punjab or KP or those who lived in Saudi too long (and now cannot possibly live in Pakistan any more). They take their own brand of what halal food is or is not. It starts with meat but then goes into sweets, bread and vegetables. Since they've never seen broccoli or asparagus, these are borderline haram; since they dont eat Chinese food, esp vegetables, the oil used must be haraam and so on. They spend more time debating what is haram and halal but cannot be bothered to migrate to a Muslim country or return to Al Pakistan. Sickening attitudes
YAHOO!
Feb 28, 2013 07:59am
haha!! It was so funny.
keaga
Feb 28, 2013 08:00am
hahahahahaha...great article....good parody on false religiosity creeping in everywhere
Shahryar Shirazi
Feb 28, 2013 08:02am
hahaha , al-hello :) a good one after a long time by NFP. ... Shahryar
Kaafiv
Feb 28, 2013 12:42pm
Keaga i agree with you 100 %
Ignorant
Feb 28, 2013 09:07am
Can somebody please explain how a sweet, bread, vegetable is halal. Sorry for my ignorance but only i thought the way one cut meat is halal. anyways NFP alway ROCKS :)
GhostRider
Feb 28, 2013 09:03am
Seriously NFP you are a gem...
Farrukh
Feb 28, 2013 04:48pm
I travel by Emirates Airlines frequently...I inquired about the food once and the indignant reply was that all our meat is halal....I could not help asking the stewardess is all their alcohol was halal also. As they say...Meat should be halal but the beer should be cold.
Tahir
Mar 01, 2013 10:05am
Don't start that subject with abbastoronto. You will get a mouthful two pages long that will take you back 1400 years and even earlier - enough to ruin your day and sleeps for a week. Let's keep the table simple with easy to understand exchanges.
Saad
Mar 01, 2013 10:16am
Glad to know we have are beginning to have cultural critics in Pakistan
Yusuf
Mar 01, 2013 10:37am
Al'hello!! Brilliant!!
Citizen ( India )
Mar 01, 2013 10:04pm
Piece de resistance !