Due to the much justified pressure from a majority of honourable Pakistanis (especially motorbike owners), equally honourable journalists and leaders like Shahbaz Shaheen Sharif, Jim Khan, Mansura Hussain and someone called Billu, the Pakistan government has finally decided to talk to members of extremist and militant outfits operating in North Waziristan.
In fact it is being said that a peace agreement has already been signed between the government and the extremists. The agreement emerged after several rounds of negotiations between the two sides and many glasses of an orange juice brand that wasn’t packaged by a company owned by heretics.
The major points of the agreement are as follows:
• Strict Sharia-compliant LBW rules would be imposed in the Waziristan Premier Cricket League (WPL), and the cheerleaders will all be goats. • The Pakistani Army will gradually withdraw from the region so it can go back to doing what it does best: Play golf.
• The government and the extremists would exchange prisoners and gifts. The government will gift Sangsar Abbasi to the extremists who seemed to like that certain adolescent tinge of romantic sadness in his voice, especially when he is commonly whining, while the extremists will gift the government the severed head of someone called Billu.
• The extremists would halt attacks on barber shops, music shops and girls’ schools and instead attack saunas, discos and women’s driving schools. Though there are no saunas and discos in Pakistan, the government will build a few just so the extremists can blow them up.
• The extremists cannot display weapons in public, especially suicide bombers. The bombers will now have to explode in specially padded caves. • The extremists cannot operate training camps either, other than only for holding ballet classes.
• The extremists would denounce suicide attacks. However they can hail heart attacks in the name of faith.
• A ban would be placed on raising private militias; but holding public floggings is allowed. Government has agreed to telecast the floggings live on TV and provide the same commentators that TV channels used during the recently concluded Asian Kabadi Championship in Lahore.
• The extremists will cooperate with the government to vaccinate children against polio — especially that variant of mountain polio that causes hallucinatory migraines. In other words, instead of bullets, the government will now fight terrorism with aspirin.
• Only licensed FM radio stations would be allowed to operate in the region. However, the extremists will get to pick their own RJ’s.
• The extremists would allow the goats of Waziristan to perform their duties at the work place without any fear. However, the women of the region will have to wait for this opportunity. They are way down in the extremists’ priority list: 37 bellow men, suicidal boys, men, goats, more men, and Yeti the abdominal snowman.
• Government will stop US drones from entering Pakistani airspace. For this it plans to send brand new traffic signals and about 200 traffic constables to North Waziristan.
A similar agreement was signed with the extremists in 2008. But the militants promptly disobeyed the terms of the deal, and began to overrun police stations and enforce strict Sharia-compliant LBW laws through coercion. The extremists had blamed the government's plan to paint the Red Mosque in magenta colour. They hate magenta.
Historically, Afghani extremist outfits are behind the ideological inspiration of the Pakistani extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Chinese extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Luxemburg extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Martian extremists, so on and so forth.
It is fair to remind one that the Pakistani extremist groups had sent over 10,000 fighters into Afghanistan to fight Darth Vader and his evil forces in 2001: A Space Odyssey, which was quite a trip, man. Like, far out.
The government is also close to signing a deal with Luke bin Skywalker, the leader of the Pakistani extremists. Luke bin was allegedly behind the brutal suicide attack that knocked off Mian Nawaz Sharif’s brand new toupee.
However, Sharif blamed Interior Minister, Rehman Wonka, after which enraged PML(N) workers staged a rowdy sit-in outside Mr. Wonka’s chocolate factory. To neutralise the protest, Wonka had turned off mobile phone services around his factory premises.
Cricketer-turned-politician-turned-turnip, Jim Khan, who had taught some of the extremists the art of bowling reverse swing, is not happy with the peace accord.
Disagreeing with the accord, Jim Khan hurled accusations at the present government and said he was right to boycott the 2008 elections because the results have brought nothing but blood, bombs and ball tampering. And Rehman Wonka.
He then set out with his party workers (on Facebook) to march against the government (on Twitter) to instate the jirga system within the Diplomatic Enclave in Islamabad.
Hearing this, President Zardari, while having orange juice with his Chinese counterpart said: “I say, Wong Tong, it will be a ghastly understatement to suggest that this fellow is rather confused,” to which his Chinese counterpart said something that nobody understood but Firdous Ashiq Awan insisted it meant “yea, baby, yea!”
Interestingly, the terms of the peace deal do not call for the extremists to halt cross border attacks inside Afghanistan, not that there is much left in Afghanistan to attack, except maybe some shaky magenta coloured ruins. They hate magenta.
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com
He tweets @NadeemfParacha
The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.