Dawn News

Keel keel keel, khapay khapay khapay

Hello, viewers, this is your host Token Anchor with another episode of Token Talk Show. Today we have with us in the studios, the co-opted-chairperson of the Dubai Peoples Mall Party (DPMP), Mr. Asif Ali Zardari, and the President of the Jeddah Muslim League - Numb (JML-N), Mr. Nawaz Sharif.

We also have with us Chairman of the Pakistan Tehreek-e-March (PTM), Mr. Imran Khan, and Mr. Sheeda Tully of a party even he has forgotten the name of.

We'll start with Imran. Imran sahib, what is the situation in your view in the troubled Fata areas?

The Situation is highly critical. But this pro-American government has totally failed to understand the ground realities there.

And what are the ground realities?

We are not dealing with religious extremists there; we are dealing with dangerous aliens!

Aliens? As in non-Pakistanis?

No! Aliens as in Martians.

Are you serious?

Of course, I am, fool!

How can you call me that?

Because I know you are an alien too.

No, I'm not. I'm a human being.

See! That's what I mean. Instead of calling yourself a Muslim and a Pakistani you called yourself a human being. This is proof enough that you are an alien, serving American interests, corrupt politicians and Elvis Presley!

But Elvis is dead!

Liar! He was recently seen crooning in Swat.

Seen by whom?

Seen by me during a PTM march there.

So you were marching in Swat recently?

Yes, while on my way to Kabul and Baghdad.

You were in Baghdad and Kabul too?

Yes, on my way to Beirut and Bosnia.

So you've been to Beirut as well?

Yes, on my way to Mars to slay the two-headed brown slaves of three-headed white slave drivers.

You expect us to believe that?

No. I only expect Muslims and Pakistanis to believe that. Human beings can go to hell.

So in your march towards Mars, did you have your usual batch of bleeding heart Caucasian Americans and Europeans with you?

Yes, Tariq Ali was there.

But he is South Asian.

He is?

Yes.

Damn.

Are you disappointed?

But Tariq drinks wine.

So do many South Asians.

Damn.

So?

So what?

Did you have any of those Caucasians marching with you to Mars?

Of course, I did. They were there with me in my bullet-proof SUV.

What about your local supporters. Where were they?

Walking on foot.

Isn't that kind of unfair?

Of course.

So you agree it's unfair?

Of course, fool. Locals are not fair. They're kind of brown.

You're kind of brown too.

I am?

Yes.

Damn.

Zardari sahib, what do you have to say about Mr. Khan's comments?

Well, all I have to say is khapay, khapay, khapay!

What do you mean?

Okay then na-khapay, na-khapay, na-khapay.

Sir, can we have a comment instead of slogans?

Of course. But I'll have to go to the UN for that.

Sir, all I asked for was a comment.

Khapay, khapay, khapay!

Sir, but what khapay?

In that case, na-khapay, na-khapay, na-khapay.

What are you talking about?

Holidays.

Holidays?

Yes, we are declaring a holiday tomorrow.

Why?

I’m not sure. But we seem to be pretty good at declaring holidays.

But don't you think it sends out the wrong signal? Makes us look like a lazy nation that's always on a holiday ...

You don’t like holidays?

I like to work.

Work? What's that? The only thing working in my government is non-governance. You are all free to do whatever you like. Isn't that what Jinnah said as well?

No he didn't.

No?

No.

In that case, holiday!

Tomorrow?

Yes, and the day after. In fact, I am announcing a whole vacation.

But the economy would collapse, fanatics will come out and have field day looting and burning, and ...

Oh, please. Everybody loves a holiday. Stop being a party-pooper. Just khapay, khapay, khapay.

But what khapay, sir?

In that case, na-khapay, na-khapay, na-khapay.

But what?

Sorry, I can’t tell you.

Why not?

I’m on a holiday.  

But, of course. Anyway, Mr. Nawaz Sharif, what is your party's stance on the situation in Fata?

No, no, my party never Fata in public.

Sir, I mean Fata, the north-western tribal areas of Pakistan.

Oh, that Fata. Yes we have a stance on it.

What is that stance?

I forgot. But you can ask me about our stance on the judiciary …

But our topic today is extremism in Fata.

Is it? How come nobody told me?

We did before the program.

Really?

Yes.

I see. Well, you see the judiciary …

Sir, we are not talking about that issue.

Why not? What other issue is there in Pakistan?

Extremism, terrorism, unemployment, crime, economy and …

And an independent judiciary.

Yes, that too …

Good. So as I was saying …

Sir, we are talking about Fata!

I usually do not Fata in public.

Then what is it that you do in public?

Errm … I’ll have to file a petition in the Supreme Court to figure that out.

Is that all you guys do?

Well, that’s the only decent thing one can do in public, no?

What about the indecencies of the extremists?

They’re not indecent. Just violent.

Sir, they murder innocent Pakistanis.

Yes, but they don't do dance, drama, hold basant and above all, Fata in public.

Sir, dance and drama doesn't kill people.

But it kills their faith. And my appetite. Know any good chargha restaurants here?

And extremists don't kill faith … and your appetite?

Can’t we just talk about the judiciary and the dance and drama of Zardari?

How come you are willing to talk about everything but the extremists?

I told you I don’t Fata in public.

But tell me what …

I only Fata in private … and in front of visiting American senators. Hee Hee.   

I see. Very decent. Now to Mr. Sheeda Tully. Sir, I want to ask you a question.

I have all the answers. In fact my answers do not require any questions.

How can that be?

Is that a question?

Yes.

How can that be?

What do you mean?

Is that a question as well?

Yes.

In that case, I’ll have to keeel, keeel, keeel!

You mean, kill?

Yes, keeel.

Kill.

That’s what I said, keeel. You see, back in the good days of Papa Zia …

Why are you calling Zia, Papa?

Because he was like a Papa to me.

That's what you said about Musharraf as well.

He was like a Papa as well. Now I am waiting for Papa number 3.

But Zia and Musharraf were military dictators. What do you think of President Zardari?

Chacha Supreme Justice should keeel, keeel, keeel him …

But he's an elected President.

So was Papa. Both 1 and 2.

But Papa, I mean Zia and Musharraf were elected through bogus referendums.

No, both were popularly elected.

I don't believe you.

Doesn’t matter. Only Muslim Pakistanis are believers. The rest are to be disgraced, rejected and …

Voted out?

No, to be keeel, keeel, keeel …

 


Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

 

 


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


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Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

He tweets @NadeemfParacha


The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


Comments (41) Closed



Yawar
Oct 08, 2012 01:29am
Excellent piece. NFP sure has a way of bringing to light the mentality of public people. Keep on making us laugh brother.
raju
Oct 08, 2012 10:56am
True! who knows that 1vote would win the right candidate.
abdul waqar
Oct 07, 2012 08:53am
Infact the Hidden Agenda of All political leaders is Almost same. i,e to make fool the public and secure the self interests.
raika45
Oct 06, 2012 12:17pm
Pity he did not include the Pakistan Taliban leaders in the symposium. Would have loved to hear their views.
HOPE FOOL
Oct 06, 2012 12:24pm
Awesome Nadeem Sir, Hilarious and aptly highlights the stance and uselessness of our so-called leaders. You have correctly depicted their habit of skirting the real issues facing Pakistan and concentrating on the drivel. Looking forward to many more such jewels from you. Regards & best of health to you...........
Yawar Ali Bhatti
Oct 06, 2012 12:28pm
LOL! Once again, NFP took his cake and ate it too. Sharp as ever, guru.
khoso
Oct 06, 2012 12:42pm
papa~ haha
Praveen
Oct 06, 2012 12:38pm
ROFL. I don't fata in public. Super as usual NFP.
saleem
Oct 06, 2012 01:08pm
he is going to fata soon...:)
Mudassar
Oct 06, 2012 01:12pm
NFP, Do right about some thing ILTAF as well if you dare.
Enigma
Oct 08, 2012 06:42am
We are in dire need of people like you here in India. Can we import you?
aameriaz
Oct 06, 2012 01:59pm
So the impossible has happened finally. NFP writing satire on PPP and Zardari. Achi baat hai, kabhi kabhi jiyala mode se bahi aa kar bhi sochna chahiye.
Saz
Oct 07, 2012 03:45pm
Unfortunately for us the current Govt. was elected by the people. And elections are coming again see to it that you go out and vote this time around so that some one you like is elected
Syed
Oct 07, 2012 10:35pm
And why not Poppy Zia, for encouraging the poppy planters in Afghanistan.
Javaria Hina
Oct 08, 2012 10:16am
Excellent and hilarious indeed! highlighting the mental condition and bogas agendas of our corrupt politicians.... :/
Syed
Oct 07, 2012 10:31pm
Are you sure, it was Gabriel, do you have any receipt? Any way most of us can't speak Chinese, better talk about USA, or England, or ....
Feroz
Oct 07, 2012 06:38am
Sir, but it is Imran who is going FATA in public since yesterday. Should we say Ta Ta to him too ? I can see the shadow of Papa 3 too. Mama Mia to you !
Insanity
Oct 07, 2012 05:23am
and the point of this article is ???
Syed
Oct 07, 2012 10:33pm
Because his full name is "I Kare". But do you care about people?
Krish Chennai
Oct 07, 2012 04:08am
This article is not quite fair on Imran. He's drumming up support for his party and trying to make it broad-based. He is also doing something not many politicos may do these days in Pakistan, which is going around in open cars
Rohail
Oct 07, 2012 08:12am
'Waiting for Papa 3 ...' LOL!
Keen observer
Oct 07, 2012 05:50am
This author seem to have special liking for IK.
suleman
Oct 07, 2012 06:55am
I was also about to say that. I think this will silence some people who think Mr. Paracha is on PPPs payroll for a few days. The other option they have is to accept that the President as well as the jiyalas can take a joke!
Syed
Oct 07, 2012 10:36pm
I will go for the second option, or if there is any third option as well?
Pakistani
Oct 08, 2012 03:30am
The 190 million people are collectively responsible for the present mess. Not Tom, Dick or Harry.
Syed
Oct 07, 2012 10:41pm
As all of us, he needs to live too.
Syed
Oct 07, 2012 10:40pm
Is it right, rite or write. What do you want to say?
Umer
Oct 08, 2012 08:26am
He is ZABs fan for sure... but of zardari i dont think so - now a days he is just cynical !!
Raw is War
Oct 06, 2012 03:21pm
lol. rib tickling. Imran's interview was good.
Faisal Naqvi
Oct 06, 2012 05:11pm
What..? Did I really read that.. Nadeem being sarcastic about PPP. Unbelievable..This is huge and must be celebrated.
hindi
Oct 08, 2012 08:23am
would someone be kind enough to tell my ignorant self, what "khapay" actually means??? thanx in advance!!
Umer
Oct 08, 2012 08:22am
why go to china ? and Gabriel said - Read in the name of thy lord. not "read read - go to china"
Capt C M Khan
Oct 06, 2012 07:37pm
Wanted to stop reading in the middle but...started enjoying and completed reading ...only in the comments section I realised it was written by Mr Paracha....HILLARIOUS...entertaing...excellent and so true....Papa Zia should be called POPE Zia....the way he is causing sufferings in Pakistan till now
Sinai
Oct 06, 2012 03:52pm
A bIg Fata from NFP.
Keen observer
Oct 06, 2012 04:12pm
Nice one, but I noticed you don't have much comment on Zard Aari. And for Altaf Bhai either you have a soft corner or Fata with his name.
Keen observer
Oct 06, 2012 04:13pm
They give him Fata.
Nadia Khanum
Oct 07, 2012 12:35pm
That you need education. Read...read, the Gabriel said. Go to china!
John Abraham
Oct 07, 2012 10:49am
lolxx... pretty decent effort to highlight the state of political society.
Mani
Oct 07, 2012 09:56am
Yes unlike papa 1 and papa 2, Zardari's govt. was totally elected by fair and transparent elections. Your thinly veiled attack on religious extremism while supporting the most corrupt party in the history of this country nullifies all your good intentions and makes you somewhat of a hypocrite.
Mani
Oct 08, 2012 01:05am
25% voter turnout. PPP's share was 11% in that. Recently EC confirmed 40% of total votes were bogus. That makes the voter turnout 15% and PPP's share becomes 6.6%. So did people really elect NFP's favorite party? Food for thought. And yes I do intend to vote.
jav
Oct 07, 2012 09:59am
lol Thanks