We also have with us Chairman of the Pakistan Tehreek-e-March (PTM), Mr. Imran Khan, and Mr. Sheeda Tully of a party even he has forgotten the name of.

We'll start with Imran. Imran sahib, what is the situation in your view in the troubled Fata areas?

The Situation is highly critical. But this pro-American government has totally failed to understand the ground realities there.

And what are the ground realities?

We are not dealing with religious extremists there; we are dealing with dangerous aliens!

Aliens? As in non-Pakistanis?

No! Aliens as in Martians.

Are you serious?

Of course, I am, fool!

How can you call me that?

Because I know you are an alien too.

No, I'm not. I'm a human being.

See! That's what I mean. Instead of calling yourself a Muslim and a Pakistani you called yourself a human being. This is proof enough that you are an alien, serving American interests, corrupt politicians and Elvis Presley!

But Elvis is dead!

Liar! He was recently seen crooning in Swat.

Seen by whom?

Seen by me during a PTM march there.

So you were marching in Swat recently?

Yes, while on my way to Kabul and Baghdad.

You were in Baghdad and Kabul too?

Yes, on my way to Beirut and Bosnia.

So you've been to Beirut as well?

Yes, on my way to Mars to slay the two-headed brown slaves of three-headed white slave drivers.

You expect us to believe that?

No. I only expect Muslims and Pakistanis to believe that. Human beings can go to hell.

So in your march towards Mars, did you have your usual batch of bleeding heart Caucasian Americans and Europeans with you?

Yes, Tariq Ali was there.

But he is South Asian.

He is?

Yes.

Damn.

Are you disappointed?

But Tariq drinks wine.

So do many South Asians.

Damn.

So?

So what?

Did you have any of those Caucasians marching with you to Mars?

Of course, I did. They were there with me in my bullet-proof SUV.

What about your local supporters. Where were they?

Walking on foot.

Isn't that kind of unfair?

Of course.

So you agree it's unfair?

Of course, fool. Locals are not fair. They're kind of brown.

You're kind of brown too.

I am?

Yes.

Damn.

Zardari sahib, what do you have to say about Mr. Khan's comments?

Well, all I have to say is khapay, khapay, khapay!

What do you mean?

Okay then na-khapay, na-khapay, na-khapay.

Sir, can we have a comment instead of slogans?

Of course. But I'll have to go to the UN for that.

Sir, all I asked for was a comment.

Khapay, khapay, khapay!

Sir, but what khapay?

In that case, na-khapay, na-khapay, na-khapay.

What are you talking about?

Holidays.

Holidays?

Yes, we are declaring a holiday tomorrow.

Why?

I’m not sure. But we seem to be pretty good at declaring holidays.

But don't you think it sends out the wrong signal? Makes us look like a lazy nation that's always on a holiday ...

You don’t like holidays?

I like to work.

Work? What's that? The only thing working in my government is non-governance. You are all free to do whatever you like. Isn't that what Jinnah said as well?

No he didn't.

No?

No.

In that case, holiday!

Tomorrow?

Yes, and the day after. In fact, I am announcing a whole vacation.

But the economy would collapse, fanatics will come out and have field day looting and burning, and ...

Oh, please. Everybody loves a holiday. Stop being a party-pooper. Just khapay, khapay, khapay.

But what khapay, sir?

In that case, na-khapay, na-khapay, na-khapay.

But what?

Sorry, I can’t tell you.

Why not?

I’m on a holiday.  

But, of course. Anyway, Mr. Nawaz Sharif, what is your party's stance on the situation in Fata?

No, no, my party never Fata in public.

Sir, I mean Fata, the north-western tribal areas of Pakistan.

Oh, that Fata. Yes we have a stance on it.

What is that stance?

I forgot. But you can ask me about our stance on the judiciary …

But our topic today is extremism in Fata.

Is it? How come nobody told me?

We did before the program.

Really?

Yes.

I see. Well, you see the judiciary …

Sir, we are not talking about that issue.

Why not? What other issue is there in Pakistan?

Extremism, terrorism, unemployment, crime, economy and …

And an independent judiciary.

Yes, that too …

Good. So as I was saying …

Sir, we are talking about Fata!

I usually do not Fata in public.

Then what is it that you do in public?

Errm … I’ll have to file a petition in the Supreme Court to figure that out.

Is that all you guys do?

Well, that’s the only decent thing one can do in public, no?

What about the indecencies of the extremists?

They’re not indecent. Just violent.

Sir, they murder innocent Pakistanis.

Yes, but they don't do dance, drama, hold basant and above all, Fata in public.

Sir, dance and drama doesn't kill people.

But it kills their faith. And my appetite. Know any good chargha restaurants here?

And extremists don't kill faith … and your appetite?

Can’t we just talk about the judiciary and the dance and drama of Zardari?

How come you are willing to talk about everything but the extremists?

I told you I don’t Fata in public.

But tell me what …

I only Fata in private … and in front of visiting American senators. Hee Hee.   

I see. Very decent. Now to Mr. Sheeda Tully. Sir, I want to ask you a question.

I have all the answers. In fact my answers do not require any questions.

How can that be?

Is that a question?

Yes.

How can that be?

What do you mean?

Is that a question as well?

Yes.

In that case, I’ll have to keeel, keeel, keeel!

You mean, kill?

Yes, keeel.

Kill.

That’s what I said, keeel. You see, back in the good days of Papa Zia …

Why are you calling Zia, Papa?

Because he was like a Papa to me.

That's what you said about Musharraf as well.

He was like a Papa as well. Now I am waiting for Papa number 3.

But Zia and Musharraf were military dictators. What do you think of President Zardari?

Chacha Supreme Justice should keeel, keeel, keeel him …

But he's an elected President.

So was Papa. Both 1 and 2.

But Papa, I mean Zia and Musharraf were elected through bogus referendums.

No, both were popularly elected.

I don't believe you.

Doesn’t matter. Only Muslim Pakistanis are believers. The rest are to be disgraced, rejected and …

Voted out?

No, to be keeel, keeel, keeel …

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