Everyone knows how all kinds of Free Masons have been the most prominent reasons behind the many political, economic and social problems that are plaguing Pakistan. I just don’t understand why is there even a debate about this fact?

I humbly suggest that anyone attempting to debate this irrefutable fact should be taken to task at once. Because no real Pakistani can doubt it. It is obvious that anyone doing so is a foreign agent, a heretic, or worse, a Misbahul Haq fan. Misbah doesn’t say ‘fusst of all thanks to God, boys plays well … ’ at the post-match award ceremonies. Liberal fascist!

As we already know that only Muslims are human beings. This is an indisputable fact as well. So, when good Muslims meet non-Muslims, it is their duty to convert the non-Muslims. This way they are actually helping non-Muslims to become human beings from the cannibalistic Neanderthals that they really are. If they convert, well and good; if not, then they should be taken to task at once. Or better still, set on fire.

The facts and figures of what I have just reiterated are there for all to see. According to a survey conducted by the Peruvian Sofa Makers Union, most Pakistanis believe that Altaf Hussain is a Misbah fan. And that 97 per cent of the world’s population would like to see Imran Khan become the king of the whole wide world.

Anyone wondering why a Peruvian sofa makers’ union would be holding a political survey on Pakistan is, of course, a cannibal. He too should be set on fire; or better still, forced to go on a strict Hindu vegetarian diet. Yuck!

There is nothing so secretive or hidden anymore about the fact that Pakistan is being destabilised by forces that have always been its sworn enemies.

Our enemies, the Christians, the Hindus and Angelina Jolie, have gotten the American Congress to sanction $700 billion for hiring secret agents, suicide bombers and for installing CD shops that sell vulgar films in our markets and to our cinemas.

It is these CD shops and cinemas that will eventually compromise our nuclear assets. They should all be burned down on Fridays. For the sake and name of love.

Anyone ridiculing this is obviously a non-Muslim and should be converted. The conversion should preferably be performed by one of the greatest scholars that the Muslim world has ever produced in the last one hundred years: Maya Khan.

If the non-Muslim still refuses to be converted, he should then be made to listen to Aamir Liaquat talk about the birds and the bees. The non-Muslim is then bound to shoot himself.

I implore the government to speak the truth. Why isn’t it telling us who all these suicide bombers really are? I’ll tell you. They are not Muslims. They are uncircumcised men hired by Om Puri from assorted pagan Central African tribes, especially the cannibalistic Zulu clan. I know this because I heard it from the horse’s mouth. And a fine horse it was, winner of various international Derby races. To quote him, verbatim, it said: “Eeeheeeheeeheeeheee!”

Some people might mislead you by suggesting that the horse was most probably just asking for some grass to eat, but that’s not true.

The truth is it wasn’t a horse at all. It was a unicorn and unicorns always hee-haw about profound things. Those claiming that unicorns do not exist are, of course, agents of the one-eyed dajaal having secret meetings in room number 34 of a posh hotel in Islamabad with American Free Masons. Sangsar Abbasi saw this with his own two outer eyes and an inner one.

Such Free Masons should be bombed because it’s okay to bomb non-humans. However, the humans (Muslims), who might also die in such an attack, need not worry. Along with the bomber they too will go to heaven. This is called collateral martyrdom.

A few days ago, I was fortunate enough to have a conversation with one of Pakistan’s leading political analysts, Maria B. She told me that the real reason behind the economic collapse that the country is facing is ball-tampering.

You see, the West makes cricket balls of dog leather and expects our cricketers to play with them. This is an insult. How can a team full of renowned and devout intellectuals such as Shahid Khan Afridi, ever play with such balls?

So, when they try to bite off the leather, they are accused by the Western media of ball-tampering.

This then upsets the sentiments of charismatic Chechen tribal leaders such as Hamid Bull who start trading gola barood (milk & honey), instead of treading cotton and wheat and this eventually hurts the country’s economy. It’s as simple as that.

Now something about the Balochistan situation. Just as the government is constantly lying about the situation in the North, it is lying about the crisis in Balochistan as well. Everybody knows that Balochistan has already become an independent republic run by Gog and Magog.

I just don’t understand why nobody has noticed such an obvious thing. The Gog & Magog, armed with CD shops, are being funded by renowned Hindu fundamentalist, Mahesh Bhatt, who has also infiltrated sensitive Pakistani institutions like the Karachi Literature Festival (KLF).

According to famous nuclear scientist, Sahir Lodhi, this can compromise our nuclear programme because the government has allowed the KLF people to hold next year’s festival at the Kahuta Nuclear Plant. They even plan to rename the event as the Kahuta Fission Festival. This is an outrage.

We, as a nation of 18.2 zillion Muslims and a few Hindu, Zoroastrian, Liberal and Christian traitors, should get behind real patriots. We should support famous astronauts like Hafiz Saeed (the first man to walk on Khyber Pakhtunkhwa’s Eid moon), and brave bounty hunters like Ghulam Ahmad Bilour. We should support their revolutionary efforts to turn Pakistan into a proud pious state headed by great philosophers like Sheikh Rasheed Ahmed.

Until and unless we face these facts and are  prepared to bomb all CD shops, burn down the cinemas and loot ATMs, Pakistan will remain to be a corrupt country full of bars, nightclubs, bikini-wearing women, and gay pride parades!

We should help put a stop to such activities that are so rampant in Pakistan. What do you mean you can’t see any nightclubs, gay parades or bikini-clad women in Pakistan? Use your inner eye, fool.

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Comments are closed.

Comments (83)

Hamza Dhedhi
October 1, 2012 2:41 am
Actually no you should. Every 'Muslim' seems to be a part of it. LOL. http://dawn.com/2012/09/30/muslim-protesters-torch-buddhist-temples-homes-in-bangladesh/
Hamza Dhedhi
October 1, 2012 2:37 am
Hahaha. What amazingly varied and resourceful thoughts. One thing though. Don't include all Muslims in our holy gestures. Some are still doing better than us 'Pakistani Muslims'.
Farhan Aftab
October 1, 2012 2:41 am
Reminds me of the smokers room at the airports... the smoke of frustration is so dense that one doesnt need to exhale his own, rather inhale the leftovers of others... uniquely written...
October 1, 2012 1:06 am
What makes this satire chilling to the bone is the fact that such are the true rants of all the conspiracy theorists around us!!,
September 30, 2012 10:39 am
Boring !!!
October 1, 2012 1:53 am
My GOD, I could not stop laughing. Brilliant narration.
September 30, 2012 6:54 am
May be Mr Paracha, if I may humbly suggest, columns like yours should be translated and published in popular Urdu papers and magazines so that the public will have the benefit of the views of well-meaning intellectuals in the country. I am really sick of reading reports of various acts of intolerance in Pakistan without any organization having the courage to do something practical to put an end to it.
September 30, 2012 8:42 am
Wonderful. What a HOOT.
September 30, 2012 1:00 pm
Wow for ur courage, that was blunt indeed
Raw is War
September 30, 2012 3:58 am
cool article.
September 30, 2012 1:01 pm
Once again, Nadeem sahib, you have brought tears to my eyes. I can feel your pain and anguish about what Pakistan could have been to what it has become. Regards
October 1, 2012 1:15 am
You sir have an amazing way of presenting reality while making people laugh. But unfortunately, however which way you tell a criminal of his crimes, he will never accept it.
Haji Ashfaq
September 30, 2012 8:25 am
Funny - as usual.
September 30, 2012 6:18 am
Stark term "collateral martyrdom" although very painful for such collateral martyrs and their families.
October 1, 2012 3:31 am
Mahesh Bhatts Father is a Hindu, Mother a Muslim and Hes follower of philosopher Jiddu Krishna Murthy
September 30, 2012 6:21 am
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha can't stop too hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!M!
September 30, 2012 9:15 am
hilarious.. couldn't resist laughing.. awesome NFP.. :) .
September 30, 2012 10:20 am
Do we feel humour here Or is it a lot of Pain...............
September 30, 2012 9:08 am
MohammadAli Ghanghro
September 30, 2012 12:53 pm
Bas kar do! "Jahil Awam" are easy to manipulate. Just Chill!
September 30, 2012 4:20 am
superb and hilarius.
September 30, 2012 4:22 am
NFP.. I remain the the critic of your content, but your writing.. really good !
September 30, 2012 11:51 pm
one word, 'Amazing'
September 30, 2012 11:52 am
You're very right, Mr. Murthy.
Masood Hussain
September 30, 2012 10:41 pm
Writings of NFP are always admirable Analysis,true to the chore.Mr.sridhar is trying to be clever,accusing liberal muslims of being cowards by not standing up to oppose the extremists.I ask mr. Sridhar how many liberal hindus have guts to stand up to Balaji Thakray and his cohorts.
September 30, 2012 5:20 am
hahahahahah amazing piece. awesome sarcarsm. the problem is that its only true so maybe it is not "sarcasm" but the truth.
September 30, 2012 6:29 am
Collateral martyrdom. Thats the appropriate term.I am sure most would prefer to live in Hell rather than sharing the space with those terrorists.
Raison D
September 30, 2012 10:23 pm
You cannot fight fanatics with reason or moderation.
Pankaj Patel(USA)
September 30, 2012 9:36 pm
Haa Haa Haa again best one from Nadim.Hats off to you.Every word is true.
September 30, 2012 9:31 pm
....He too should be set on fire; or better still, forced to go on a strict Hindu vegetarian diet. Yuck!.... not all hindus are vegetarian, not even brahmins. .......This is called collateral martyrdom....... wow that was indeed a gem.... .........The Gog & Magog, armed with CD shops, are being funded by renowned Hindu fundamentalist, Mahesh Bhatt, who has also infiltrated sensitive Pakistani institutions like the Karachi Literature Festival (KLF).......... mahesh bhatt is a muslim, with a hindu name.....like dileep kumar and madhubala.
Rafia Mirza
October 1, 2012 3:00 am
very witty,. loved it & am sharing it on fb
September 30, 2012 9:34 am
This is groovy and no doubt could only have come out of him! Its a different sound and yes seems to stay! Impressive.
September 30, 2012 8:10 pm
But thats exactly NFP's point. Dont you get it. Put that in the context of the entire article.
September 30, 2012 5:37 pm
NFP, I can see more the frustration of day to day events than the satire, and rightly so. I just read an article on faith by Munir Akram. No wonder you would have vented your feelings after reading that article by writing this:).
September 30, 2012 8:08 pm
Woohooo! Another == spouting SDRE Indian. I love these guys - their self esteem speaks words profound.
September 30, 2012 11:48 am
One thing is for sure. Every writer worth his salt has to rub in IK in their articles and then complain about PTI trolls. In 65 years history of Pakistan, NS and AAZ have ruled and not IK but he gets to be held responsible for all evils. You know what IK sells and that is what all writers are doing even Nadeem Paracha!!
Upendra Deshpande
September 30, 2012 2:24 pm
Wonderful Article. It fits in civil society.
September 30, 2012 9:44 am
September 30, 2012 2:03 pm
Nadeem you are now in the ranks of Insha Jee and Ibn-e-safi for me.
September 30, 2012 2:08 pm
Wonderful and soul searching piece , specially for Muslims . They should know what whole world is mocking at Muslims and their religion . Nadim is brilliant as ever .I had realized when I read his article ,chicken soup......
Bushra Saeed
September 30, 2012 12:04 pm
lol..as good as always..except on Shahid Laaley note..(NFP I love him :) )
September 30, 2012 6:58 pm
Love reading you but am still waiting for a piece by you on ' how seriously does the real NFP take NFP ?'
October 1, 2012 5:14 am
Well, thanks. SDRE is a pretty cool tag! I wish it was fully applicable to me! Also check both your IQ & EQ ... should be damn low!
Abdul Wahid Osman Belal
October 1, 2012 6:39 am
Out of the following 15 (fifteen) Absent Life Members, of Lodge Temperance & Benevolence No: 1233 under the Scottish Constitution of which, according to the Lodge Summons dated (1) 16-4-1969 and (2) 15-4-1972, 11 (eleven) have addresses of USA, 1 (one) of Canada and 1 (one) of the American Embassy at Tehran (Iran) and 2 (two) of American Embassy, Karachi (Pakistan): Sl.No: Register No: Name /Address Date of R(aising) 1. 228. Col. Harold H.H. Clark USA 20-11-1942 2. 229 Major David Alonzo Brown USA 20-11-1942 3. 230 Major Robert Neville Cooper USA 20-11-1942 4. 236 Major Cornelius Perry USA 6-02-1943 5. 242 Col. James Kenneth Knleusal USA 11-09-1943 5178 Phantom Court, Columbia Maryland 21043 6. 252 Major Herbert M. Lapidus USA 12-06-1944 7. 254 Major Ralph Highmiller USA 7-10-1944 8. 361 George David Thomas USA 3-04-1954 c/o Michel George 4717 N. Hermitage Ave Chicago, Illinois, USA. 9. 417 Willy John Arthur Feuerllein USA 1-02-1958 2250 N.W. 8th. Ave Gainesville Florida USA 10.429 Delbert Eugene McOsker USA 6-06-1959 R.A.17,247,894 U.S.ArmyTransportation Terminal Unit (Canaveral) 11.435 George Robert Fisher Canada 3-10-1959 181, Grosvenor 18 Ave South Hamilton, Ontario, Canada 12.441 Dewey Hayes McNair USA 7-05-1960 1370th. Photo Mapping Wing(Mats) Turner Air Force Base Georgia USA 13. 375 Joseph James Barry Tehran (Iran) 4-06-1955 c/o American Embassy, Tehran (Iran) 14. 418 Samuel Bryce Geen Karachi 2-08-1958 c/o American Embassy, Karachi 15. 440 Robert Charles Findley Karachi 7-05-1960 MAAG Pak. American Embassy, Karachi Report Reply 1 reply ? active 40 weeks ago 0 awob ? 40 weeks ago The Pakistan Masonic Review April, 1970 Freemasonry Flourishes in Iran Freemasonry has been established in Iran for many years; recently there were 11 Lodges under the Scottish Constitution ten under the GNLF (France) and three under the German Constitution. (Surprisingly there were none under the United Grand Lodge of England). Last year-after having ascertained that H. I. M. The Shahinshah favoured such an idea-the brethren in Iran formed their own Grand Lodge. The new Grand Lodge of Iran was sponsored by the Grand Lodges of Scotland, France and Germany whose Grand Masters were present in person to perform the ceremonies of Consecration, Erection and Installation of the Grand Lodge and its Officers. U. G. L. had sent R. W. Bro. Frank Douglas, The Assistant Grand Master as representative. We learn with pleasure that M. W. Bro. J. Sharif Emami, the President of the Senate has been installed as the First Grand Master. He named the following brethren as Past Grand Masters of the Grand Lodge of Iran. Bro. Amir Abbas Hoveyda (the Prime Minister of Iran). Bro. Dr. Said Malek (Senator and former Dist. G. M. of Iran). Bro. Mohammad Saaed (Senator and a former Prime Minister of Iran). His Emminence, Bro. Dr. S. Hasan Emami (Emam Joma) This is the list of the Principal Officers of the G. L. of Iran: Dy. G. M: R. W. Bro. Abbas Gholi Golshayan (formerly a Minister of Finance and also of Justice) Asstt: G. M. R. W. Bro. Mostafa Tadjadod (Senator, President of the Bank Barzagani) Asstt: G. M. R. W. Bro. Dr. Amir Hekmat (Senator) We most humbly express on behalf of our readers our facilitations and fraternal greetings to M. W. The Grand Master of the Grand Lodge of Iran and the Grand Lodge Officers. We are sure that we shall establish and maintain happy and fraternal relations with our brethren in Iran and whenever any of us visit Iran a visit to a Lodge there should be welcome gesture. DARA JEHANGIR 201 Comments Reproduced from the Urdu Daily Jasarat Karachi Pakistan that was published on the day Prime Minister Mr. Amir Abbas Hoveyda was hanged along with the photographs of two Parsi/Zoroastrian prominent Freemasons who were Lions and Rotarians viz. late Dr. Khambatta and late Mr. Zal S. D. Contractor, former Controller of Insurance and succeeded by another Muslim Freemason Mr. A. R. Khalfe also Controller of Insurance.
Monayem Chowdhury
September 30, 2012 2:38 pm
A great piece to enjoy and ponder about. I fam intrigued by the expression "collateral martyrdom".
September 30, 2012 8:39 am
must add how - throwing acid on women is also part of islamizing our great country.
September 30, 2012 6:16 pm
What anguish... Wish NFP & Pakistan well- from another imperfect society, your eastern neighbour.
September 30, 2012 8:06 am
Alice in Wonderland.
Ali Sina
September 30, 2012 6:05 pm
Finally after a long time, you have hit a six with your satire. Esp the weird names you pick up from nowhere, angelina jolie, mahesh bhatt!! Simply outstanding, great sharp mind you have NFP Cheers!!
September 30, 2012 4:34 am
You say these things all the time but the way you say is alway new. Amazing.
September 30, 2012 4:41 am
Magnificent. You have opened my inner eye, NFP. This nation is indeed mired in un-Islamic debauchery that can only be purified by fire, fire and more fire.
Mustafa Kamal
September 30, 2012 4:44 am
This is called collateral martyrdom. LOLZ. Amazing piece as usual.
September 30, 2012 8:02 am
@Emaad and Deen Yes, that SOAS session was pretty good. Apart from the fact that he spoke well on many issues and had great wit, he was also so down to earth and with zero pretentions. I think he also spoke at Columbia University in New York last month, but am not sure.
September 30, 2012 8:28 am
You really went all in. Reading this just made sunday worthwhile.
September 30, 2012 7:59 am
I think he is working on a book. But not sure about what. Indeed a book by the prolific NFP is certainly need of the hour.
Deen Sheikh
September 30, 2012 7:37 am
Emaad I was also there at SOAS, u gotta love nfp, I am not as far left as him but still u gotta love nfp
October 1, 2012 2:27 pm
I am enjoying to see the "tolerance" level of these so called "liberals"............keep writing and writing.....You people can only write........
September 30, 2012 4:46 am
Yes the Hindu patriots should follow the 18.2 zillion Muslim patriots and in no case try to cross to Jodhpur since the inner eye of these 'frothing over their beards' patriots sees binocularly through the back of their heads. The Christians should sweep the roads after the patriots leave garbage littered on the roads during their million people march and in no case touch holy papers on the ground. The infidel american should stop the drones from dropping bombs. Instead they should be dropping CDs of third grade religious pin-less grenades on the ground. The earth will be burn with patriotic mullahs jumping like pop-corn. Water please! Oh drowning we are in all the rain but the Indian infidels are drinking all the drinkable water.
September 30, 2012 5:21 am
now stop thinking i am a hindu agent with the hindu name "sameer"... i am muslim from Karachi and not a raw agent. how judgemental most folks are.
September 30, 2012 5:00 am
Excellent piece of writing. Smack on the face. But it is too unfortunate the the people who should actually read it will never know of this.
September 30, 2012 5:10 am
"""""""According to a survey conducted by the Peruvian Sofa Makers Union, most Pakistanis believe that Altaf Hussain is a Misbah fan. And that 97 per cent of the world?s population would like to see Imran Khan become the king of the whole wide world."""""" OH MY OH MY, you must have smoked a lot in your smoke corner before you wrote this one. """""What do you mean you can?t see any nightclubs, gay parades or bikini-clad women in Pakistan? Use your inner eye, fool"""""""-------- only NFP is so wise to have an inner eye to smoke it out and all others are FOOLS.
September 30, 2012 7:58 am
September 30, 2012 5:09 pm
Kudos to NFP! We need more of us think like him. All of my Muslim friends in the US and India have been well-educated, tolerant, moderate people. Each one, when in private, one-on-one conversations, readily relate to the ideas so nicely hidden in NFP's piece(s). What needs to be done is for them to stand up collectively and amplify their moderate and modern views in public forums, including in their mosques, on radio shows, TV shows and printed media. These good-hearted individuals have an enormous, albeit a dangerous task. However, when we keep hearing "Islam is religion of peace" without actively, unequivocally distancing themselves from mis guided Muslim zealots, no one takes them seriously. Christians speak out and move legislation that put an end to slavery, ill treatment of women. Hindu's have outlawed untouchability and through democracy have reserved constituencies for elections and finds minorities in the highest posts. Distancing, de-vowing of the fundamentalists is the need not lame denials.
Zaid Hamid
September 30, 2012 7:53 am
Yakeen Jaaniye... We are the best. We are the most peaceful. We won all wars ? never started any. We are superior to others. We discovered basic sciences ? the West stole them. We don?t fight with fellow Muslims ? it is Hindus, Jews and West that divide us. We do not allow any debate because our word is final and pure. We have facts and don?t need to present them. We know what really happened. We are right. We are Zaid Hamid- The best comedian from Pakistan.
September 30, 2012 1:13 pm
NFP you are marvelous, I some time wonder do you have any peer who can does this kind of Satire for our Urdu news papers or magazines. I know there can not be another NFP, but some one who can even come close to mimic you. Just dreaming:-)
October 1, 2012 8:20 am
You are a sinner and going to nose dive in hell UNLESS you REPENT via the greatest messiahs of all times. DO SOME ISTAGHFAR WITH VEENA MALIK (cue: Istaghfar doesn't count without a tear dropping from 1 eye only)
September 30, 2012 4:10 pm
Another brilliant piece ... with bubbling humor that makes one think even more deeply of the sources of public anguish. The term "collateral martyrdom" should become part of the national lexicon. Thank you, NFP.
September 30, 2012 7:43 am
Brilliant article sir..Hats off .. I think you should give a serious thought to write a contemporary history of pakistan , as recommended by Madam Ayesha Siddiqua and Sir Abbas Nasir .
Rohail Nadeem
September 30, 2012 9:07 am
How does he do it? From writing detailed and insightful pieces on the political and cultural history of Pakistan to then almost seamlessly moving to doing sharp, intelligent and purposefully bizarre satire. NFP, you are one of a kind. Keep on rocking. You made my Sunday again.
Sadiq Nagri
September 30, 2012 3:49 pm
hahahaha..wonderful satire..
September 30, 2012 8:54 am
Thank u, once again you made me laugh and introspect. I can see new terminology('collateral martyrdom') making its mark once again, I'll be the first to buy NFP Dictionary if it's out in shops.
September 30, 2012 8:54 am
laughing out sooo loud :D
September 30, 2012 8:52 am
Perfect Satire !! Awesome .....
September 30, 2012 5:30 am
After so many weeks, I am not amused by a column from NFP. The theme is to point out tragic attitudes of our society in a humor way. Yet, NFP becomes too indirect and uses analogies that are too imaginative to make sense. Personally, I have not enjoyed the column at all. I usually wait for something from NFP. It is rare that NFP produces writings of less class. Still he is the best. I hope he never sells out.
Nisha Rai
September 30, 2012 12:23 pm
Very insightful! NFP is so very right. I have so often heard from my muslim friend that suicide bombers are not muslim. It seems incredible, but the argument is that since Islam does not sanction killing innocents, these terrorists can't be muslims! NFP has laid bare many such illogical thoughts in his satire..
September 30, 2012 5:43 am
Simply Fantastic!!!
Ash Khan
September 30, 2012 5:45 am
Great Job NFP. You make us laugh.
Hussain (Uganda)
September 30, 2012 12:21 pm
Extra -ordinary, you are brilliant. Only a small contribution. Zulu tribe is in southern Africa not in central.
Eru Dhate
September 30, 2012 3:05 pm
Nadeem Paracha is Pakistan's M.J.Akbar on steroids. His satire barely conceals his anguished sarcasm, and an inner-eye reading of his writings reveal a true Pakistani patriot. Excellent stuff. I'd readily buy a book of Paracha's and Akbar's merciless satirical take on the world around them!
Sanjay Saksena
October 1, 2012 4:20 am
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Clearly the work of a highly intelligent mind.
September 30, 2012 3:06 pm
NFP , have you ever thought that one counters the abhorrent ideas with progressive, adorable ideas. For the last 5 years, country has been ruled by what you might call coalition of seculars namely PPP & MQM. Do you see any sphere of society where counter ideas from ' seculars' have taken roots ? AAZ & his allies have given priority to their vested interests. Declaring Friday,a holiday all over the country and joining the protest against a blasphemous movie on internet shows lethargic attitude of present government.
Cyrus Howell
September 30, 2012 5:09 pm
Mr. Paracha has a promising career in front of him writing TV sitcoms.
Emaad Ahmed
September 30, 2012 7:12 am
I once met NFP at a lecture he gave early this year at SOAS. He came across as a largely quiet and intense kind of a man but with a biting sense of humor and wit. It was a pleasure hearing him speak about all the issues facing Pakistan but he punctuated his talks with witty statements. It was great.
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