Ghairat is a hybrid vegetable/fruit that is becoming popular among middle-class health food fanatics.

The medical benefits of ghairat have been known since ancient times. The Neanderthals are known to have used it to treat everything from general boredom to ideological indigestion.

In his book, ‘Ghairat: The Natural Secret for a Vigorous Jaw & a Full Fat Beard', Hakeem Aamir Liaquat states that Ghairat has been used as a medicine in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Babylon, Gujranwala and Planet Zion for at least 14 million years. His proof: Zaid Wamid's books. And Zaid Wamid's proof: ‘Star Wars III: Return of the Jedi.’

Today, scientific research in Pakistan is providing hard evidence for the health benefits long associated with ghairat. For example, in 2007 the Journal of the National Institute of Manic-Depression published the results of an epidemiological study indicating that the regular intake of Ghairat reduced the risk of intelligence in men and women by nearly 80 per cent.

Also, researchers at the University of Waziristan in Sweden recently concluded that Ghairat inhibits and impedes the growth of brain cells, thus greatly reducing the chances of rational thought that might lead to deadly diseases such as Common Sense.

Researchers warn that diseases such as Common Sense may make you start looking and sounding like a navel-gazing intellectual, when, instead, one should always look like Atlas-e-Hind, Gen. (Rtd.) Hameed Bull.

New evidence is emerging that Ghairat can also help dieters. The Punjab Journal of Nutrition & Schizophrenia published the results of a study at Lahore’s prestigious National University of Managerial & Botanical Sciences (NUMBS), in which researchers suggest that men who were given a combined extract of caffeinated rhetoric mixed with Ghairat burned more brain cells and calories than those who were given a harmful amphetamine called Democraffeine.

The study said that Democraffeine led to an unhealthy medical condition called Khapay-ache — a hyper compulsive-obsessive disorder in which the patient keeps saying ‘Khapay, khapay, khapay’ over and over again.

The remedy for Khapay-ache is only available in select hospitals of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Dubai; whereas the consumption of Ghairat led to a more healthier and robust condition called the Jamat-i-Islami.

Jamat-i-Islami is a robust state of mind and body that can be enjoyed during ‘Go America Go’ male-only marathons that are run from the Republic of Mansura to the city of Lal-Masjidabad that replaced Islamabad as Pakistan’s capital when Islamabad was destroyed in the 2005 earthquake due to the wrath of God brought upon by sin, debauchery and blasphemy practiced by the people of Kashmir, Karachi and Toba Tek Singh.

What’s more, a small bacterial compound in Ghairat called Imran-Khanium, can help slow down ageing and lead to an accelerated growth of facial hair (under the skin), and better prostrate performance. This compound can also kill the harmful bacteria that causes lethargic medical illnesses like Reason and Logic.

Ghairat also contains a naturally-produced laxative called Sheeda Tully. Sheeda Tully guarantees long, fast-flowing tirades and regular on-screen flatulence, breaking the wind out of an airy-fairy neurotic state called Liberalism.

Ghairat, if eaten with Swiss rolls by judges, can cure judicial constipation as well usually brought upon by assorted Zardari-vascular ailments.

Chemicals in Ghairat like LeJ, TTP and JuD break down useless tissue such as NFP thus making hearty reactionary compounds more digestible. Furthermore, these chemicals along with enzymes like TalkShowoxide help protect brain tissues from unwanted bacterial infections such as Objectivity and Sanity.

These are but only a few medicinal benefits of Ghairat. For a more expert and detailed list of these benefits, I recommend the famous book, 'Better Bowl Movement through Ghairat' by the renowned Greek homeopath and soft-spoken morality crusader, Sangsar Abbasi (MBBS/LLB/DDT).

Updated Sep 09, 2012 03:04am

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Comments (77) (Closed)

Akil Akhtar
Sep 09, 2012 11:16pm
I had rather belong to the ghairat Brigade than the BeGahairat Brigade.....
Sep 09, 2012 07:23am
who cares NFP. Most media of Pakistan is busy in glorifying Imran Khan as the next Prime Minister of Pakistan. The bigger he comes, the sooner he fades out.
Sep 09, 2012 11:29am deserve for presidental award.
Sohaib YAHIA
Sep 09, 2012 09:28am
Simply superb! This peculiar kind of ghairat is only for the people of Islamic Republic of Pakistan and heavy dose is being administered on daily basis by our morality thekedars, names of the few mentioned in the article. Result is fast approaching state of denial, intolerance and anarchy.
Sep 09, 2012 01:55pm
Every emotion needs to be directly correctly no emotion is wrong. If one is able to transform ones ghairat into taking the side of the weak in a society and stand for their rights it could be a resource.
Sep 09, 2012 05:03pm
As said by Robert Ingresoll that It is thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense. But as per new research common sense is dangerous disease. Now let's give up both and recommend the new prescription of Ghairat as healthy food.
Sep 09, 2012 06:14am
NFP, what effect does Ghairat have on armywalas?
Sep 09, 2012 02:03pm
wow ! got some good lines but in my opinion he is overdoing it on one subject .His line of argument seems similiar in all of his articles which at times makes me to think that man has nothing new to say .Enough said about ghairat for now move on .....brov !
Sep 09, 2012 05:48am
""""Smokers? Corner: A fruit called ghairat"""" finally a new breed of a fruit from smoker's column. Is it organic or inorganic or genetic or very scientific fictionally. Excellent find by NFP. May this fruit gets full growth and may counter the BAYGHAIRATTY that has been over grown in our homeland with a lot of people of all kinds and at all levels ------- nationally. thanks for wonderful thoughts and a brand new invention.
Ishaq Khan
Sep 09, 2012 11:25am
There is no scientific evidence that Neanderthals were more voilent than current evolved form human beings. If you know what I am talking about.? With Worlds Wars, Hiroshimas, holocausts, genocides and all, do you really think neanderthals were less civilised or more ghairatmand? I for one strongly protest this vilification and demonisation of neanderthals.
Sep 09, 2012 01:07pm
Just great. Love your writing always and every time. Regards.
Sep 09, 2012 03:56pm
Full title is Hazrat General Sir Zaid Pied Piper Wamid for your information.
Shakoor Ahmed
Sep 09, 2012 08:47pm
I am disappointed that NFP has not mentioned the hero of Zaid Wamid,s Star Wars 111 " OH BHAI ONE -KOI Nahi Hogi" and co-star " LOOT Skywalla"
Sep 10, 2012 07:42pm
Why you getting so sensitive buddy ? is it hurting your ghairat too ?
Sep 10, 2012 05:56pm
Nasir vohra
Sep 10, 2012 04:18pm
Fantoastic NFP....researchers at the University of Waziristan in Sweden ahahaha
vijay dixit
Sep 09, 2012 08:22am
Great reading.Hats off to you.Should be give a award by the Pakistani Govt.
Sep 09, 2012 08:06am
Granted honorary citizenship to Mr. Nadeem Pracha. I see that one more Pracha(dangerous one) is there in Pakistan. He is not to be given even VISA after liberal VISA regime.
Sep 09, 2012 08:06am
superb NFP, May you live long happily and with property. God save u.
Sep 09, 2012 04:06pm
Oh so that explains the adventures of Pol pot,Hitler,Stalin,Mao and the two world wars waged by industrialized educated 'enlightened' non-Muslim nations where they were essentially killing and maimed enough humans in 60 years then all religious government/movements throughout known history up to and including 2012. But its always easy to blame the ignorant Muslims.
Sep 09, 2012 01:48pm
wow, NFP you have brilliantly captured so many things in such a short write-up. khape khape khape to be introduced in university of wazirastan
Sep 09, 2012 08:50am
NFP good work ..... you have invented a new language........
Cyrus Howell
Sep 09, 2012 05:21pm
Has Pakistan helped it's subsistence farmers and share croppers realize their aspirations or those of their children ? Why would the Landlords want to? They want people bonded to the soil. They cannot make profits without labor. There is a reason people are held back.
Sep 09, 2012 01:19pm
"Ghairat inhibits and impedes the growth of brain cells, thus greatly reducing the chances of rational thought that might lead to deadly diseases such as Common Sense." What a beautiful way of describing our current state of affairs.
Zafar Imam
Sep 09, 2012 11:32am
Great NFP. Hats Off. You've always been aspiration for us. Your killer satire always encourages me to write hard against this Ghairat Brigade.
Sep 09, 2012 12:08pm
A good Ghairat and regular bowel movements are the need of the hour. Ha! Ha!!
Mujahid Khattak
Sep 09, 2012 05:26am
Hahahahahahaha.. Simply brilliant....
Rabia Sultan
Sep 09, 2012 04:08pm
NFP you should be on TV so we could be released from the tyranny of all that bogus, slapstick satire that we are bombarded with. If not, then at least give some tips on satire to all these loud clowns on TV.
Agha Ata
Sep 09, 2012 02:04pm
Respected Hakeem Paracha Sahib, your especial research on "ghairat" is an eye opener for all hakeems. Incidentally there are two more ingredients that work very well in certain situations. One is "muravvat" and the other is "lyhaz." A pill each, or sometimes just of one of these, can help a great deal in helping a friend, if LAW is the cause of constipation. 90% of corruption will disappear if, all is done after taking these pills. A great cure for the country! These two household ingredients are easily available in every home. Readers would like to know more about them. You can help, and thank you!
Sep 09, 2012 04:13pm
Hey, it seems Zaid Hamid still has some followers left. Humanist was taking about humanitarianism, not communism, bhai sahib.
Sep 09, 2012 03:49am
Short and simple yet on the spot!
chaker baloch
Sep 09, 2012 05:53pm
Ghairat means zeal,in a tribal culture. To keep ones own and tribes prestage one has to be zealus, courageous and some what headless.The one who is not zealus and courageous is called Beghairat. Ghairat is unwritten sociopolitical culture ,law and idiology of the tribal system inhireted from their forefathers to present generation and is dominent feature in some conservatine societies and cultures. It is widely unccepted in a progessive and modren society . In a civilized world it has no role.
Sep 09, 2012 10:39am
Sep 09, 2012 09:23am
@Humanist, you are absolutely right sir
Sep 09, 2012 09:21am
Great Horacian satire. NFP, Bravo! you speak the mind of a very few reasonable and sensitive people in Pakistan... God bless you!
Sep 09, 2012 02:24pm
Nadeem you always write beautiful satire but this one takes the cake..what imagination! More power to your pen.
Sep 09, 2012 02:45pm
Can't we publish this article in British Medical Journal ??.A whole lot of mental , physical and medical information!!.
Masood Nasir (@MasoodNasir)
Sep 09, 2012 03:58am
You forgot to mention that Ghairat is readily available in large quantities free of cost in Bakistan. :-)
Sep 09, 2012 02:48pm
Continue the cancer treatment until it is cured. People might say its the same treatment but its the same cancer.
Sep 09, 2012 04:04am
Sharp, smart satire. You are a master satirist, NFP. More power to you.
Sep 09, 2012 04:06am
This compound(Imran Khanium) can also kill the harmful bacteria that causes lethargic medical illnesses like Reason and Logic.......LOL
Ghairat mand
Sep 09, 2012 04:10am
Yes, mr sangsar Abbasi is now a days a leader in ghairat brigade. Well written and what a fine amalgamation of humor and facts. Keep it up NFP.
Sep 09, 2012 09:15am
very short and simple --- but what's the point sir jee? besides PPP and MQM, you have not spared anyone from your satirical rhetoric --- so what's the point? Have you ever wondered that we are actually a bunch of "Ghairatmand Hypocritical Buffoons" and are naturally tend towards the drug rather than being forced to ingest it. Everybody knows the symptoms - some like you even propose to have diagnosed an ailment which in this case "Ghairat" (which is nothing more than a symptom) - what's the cure, where is the cure? Sir jee please elaborate - thanks
Sep 09, 2012 04:25am
NFP: is ghairat on sale or available at outlets of famous stores plzzzz
Sep 11, 2012 07:01pm
you have written better pieces...
Sep 09, 2012 04:19am
all this ghairat is for oppressing the weak. when they are up against a strong opponent they run on a motorcycle to the "sovereign" country of pakistan and cowardly attack by sending others as suicide bombers
Sep 09, 2012 04:21am
Socrates elaborated that people do not know what is Truth, therefore, in their ignorance of definitions of the concepts, many a times they are likely to accept falsehood as truth. Therefore it is necessary to tell people what is Ghairat and in what acts it consists in: An ignorant Pakistani Muslim may accept the false criteria of Ghairat, kill his sister, destroy himself and his family, whereas an educated Pakistani who has reached the true definition of the concept of Ghairat, may help his sister learn about the world and how to live in it, therefore making his life and his family proud and prosperous... If we do not know and practice the traffic rules, then we are likely to collide with one another anf injure one another.
Muhammad Asif
Sep 12, 2012 09:37am
Ali, we should respect the opinions of others, even if they differ. Let them bring to fore their point of view.
Capt C M Khan
Sep 09, 2012 07:27am
Excellent except you forgot one person who did not have this fruit it and is creating a STIR...guessed it Chief Justice, I guess if you would have mentioned his GHAIRAT would have awakend and you would have had the same fate as ex Ghairatmund PM. I am not sure if this comment will be published.
Muhammad Asif
Sep 12, 2012 10:10am
@PeopleInGlassHouses: Humanist is not justifying or defending the wars imposed by these "educated ?enlightened? non-Muslim nations".
Muhammad Asif
Sep 12, 2012 11:03am
almost all of us believe be to ghairatmand. it is the definition of gairat that differs for most of us. the writer talks about a special species of this ghairat substance that is so common, and causing the social decline. One better be ghairatmand while believing in "live and let live".
Sep 10, 2012 06:11am
Very eloquently put, only NFP can write like this.....
Alam K. Wazir
Sep 09, 2012 03:50pm
Ghairat , it means in simple words,distinction between honour & dishonour imbibed in tribal culture.For NFP it is a mere word he can play with. He has been on this mantra for a long time . Living in cocoon of Karachi, frequenting his favourite 'safe havens', grasp of tribal culture is million miles away from him.About time, he talked about local politics of Karachi and PPP brigade commanded by AAZ which is fighting a rear guard action.
Sep 09, 2012 03:04pm
I started smiling with the first sentence. Here's hoping for a national Ghairat Holiday, when all can enjoy a period of constructive contemplation while experiencing its laxative qualities. Bravo for another brilliant NFP article and kudos to Dawn.
Aamer Riaz
Sep 10, 2012 07:38am
Anyone who finds this piece funny should really get a life. Even 'Hum sab umeed say hain' on GEO TV occasionally gives me a laugh, but this is way too predictable. Taking shots at easy targets and totally ignoring those who've been in power for the past 4 1/2 years in Pakistan. NFP write a book on this once and for all and then retire. Because you're out of ideas. Thanks you.
Cyrus Howell
Sep 09, 2012 04:34pm
"Western Civilization is the Only Civilization that Liberated Man From His Illusions and Shackles; It Recognized His Individuality and Provided Him With Capabilities and Opportunities to Cultivate Himself and Realize His Aspirations" 'Okaz: "This may be so, and I'm with you in this demand but, sir, would you summarize for us the reason for your admiration of Western culture, so that we can have a basis for discussion?" Buleihi: "There is no one reason, there are a thousand reasons, which all induce me to admire the West and emphasize its absolute excellence in all matters of life. Western civilization is the only civilization that liberated man from his illusions and shackles; it recognized his individuality and provided him with capabilities and opportunities to cultivate himself and realize his aspirations. [Western civilization] humanized political authority... This does not mean that this is a flawless civilization; indeed, it is full of deficiencies. Yet it is the greatest which man has achieved throughout history. The United States has eliminated childhood diseases which killed millions of children each year.
Sep 09, 2012 04:34am
Terrific. Made my day. Take a bow , Sir.
Sep 10, 2012 11:34am
best Nadeem..... a true mirror for this so called garyat society..... i wish more and more journalist would think like you to bring secular revolution to bring change,,,,,
Cyrus Howell
Sep 09, 2012 05:00pm
History of Polio It is likely that polio has plagued humans for thousands of years. An Egyptian carving from around 1400 BCE depicts a young man with a leg deformity similar to one caused by polio. Polio circulated in human populations at low levels and appeared to be a relatively uncommon disease for most of the 1800s. Polio reached epidemic proportions in the early 1900s in countries with relatively high standards of living, at a time when other diseases such as diphtheria, typhoid, and tuberculosis were declining. Indeed, many scientists think that advances in hygiene paradoxically led to an increased incidence of polio. The theory is that in the past, infants were exposed to polio, mainly through contaminated water supplies, at a very young age. Infants? immune systems, aided by maternal antibodies still circulating in their blood, could quickly defeat poliovirus and then develop lasting immunity to it. However, better sanitary conditions meant that exposure to polio was delayed until later in life, on average, when a child had lost maternal protection and was also more vulnerable to the most severe form of the disease. Because of widespread vaccination, polio was eliminated from the Western Hemisphere in 1994.
Sep 09, 2012 06:22am
good one NFP...... always enjoy your writing
Sep 09, 2012 01:30pm
No adulation can adequately praise or define the brilliance of NFP and the sharp wit calling a spade a spade. BRAVO!!! I AM IN AWE. DON'T EVER STOP.
Keti Zilgish
Sep 09, 2012 09:52am
Nice psychotherapy!
Sep 09, 2012 01:08pm
Bravo! In your usual inimitable flair and style. NFP. Ghairat is hereby prescribed for all those who suffer from or have acute symptoms Beygairat!
Sep 09, 2012 11:49am
Bravo! Keep writing please.
Sep 09, 2012 08:33pm
Ghairat can never be appreciated by those who have lost it!
Sep 09, 2012 09:17pm
Paracha never,never stop writing.i only read Dawn because of you.the country is so ba-ghairat that it can not change the laws which are medieval and painful.THE WHOLE WORLD HATES US.we are backward looking people thanks to the great leader zia.may his jabra rest in peace.
Mohammad A Malick
Sep 09, 2012 04:59pm
Again a good satire which has a perfect use of words. Are you a word charmer, they you wrap up words in great sentences which is meaningful and quite addictive is awesome. I am feeling dizzy...... Congratulation on such a good article, Major General Nadeem F Paracha Sarcasm. Always like u.
Asif Bharwa
Sep 09, 2012 07:52am
Mind blowing, brilliant, spectacular, awesome, fabulous etc. is it enough or you want more?
taranveer singh
Sep 09, 2012 07:25pm
NFP is master of his style difficult to copy. best writer among all writers of dawn.
Fazal Ameen
Sep 09, 2012 08:26am
awesome...absolutely brilliant..
Sep 09, 2012 05:20pm
Not so fast. Western civilization may be the latest to achieve prosperity. Much before that, when the Western civilizations were mostly limited to caves, others were flourishing. Don't forget also that today's Western civilization is based on riches derived from colonization and slavery.
Sep 09, 2012 04:42pm
tribal culture is backwardness, violence and stupidity. Nothing to be very proud of.
Ajaya K Dutt
Sep 10, 2012 03:54am
Sep 10, 2012 04:00am
Dude..... Your Weed Is Strong___ This column is masterpiece
kamaljit Singh
Sep 09, 2012 06:01am
I took me five minutes to type this while laughing.
Sep 09, 2012 11:42am
Superb. I wish the people who need to understand the meaning of "ghairat" were able to read and comprehend what NFP has written so beautifully. I am sure Sangsar and Taliban Khan will...but is there a chance for them to think about it......sorry they don't have the capacity. Keep it up NFP. You are doing your job. Bravo to Dawn to publish this.
Sep 09, 2012 11:43am
in abundance everywhere in this God given country