Pyari Khaala Jan,
I have a friend who is 17 years old and has just given his matriculation exams. His mum died when he was 10 years old. His father is a very wild person (we’ll call him Mr X). My friend has an elder sister who is also obsessed with her life. He also has a stepmother and a younger step brother as well. He is not very comfortable with his step mum.
His dad doesn’t give him any money. He and his sister are coping on their dead mother’s pension. Mr X treats him like a servant and often beats him and his sister when he gets angry for no reason. Mr X doesn’t let him go out and have fun with his friends. When Mr X needs his son to help him for anything he talks very politely and nicely.
My friend doesn’t have anyone to support him in these circumstances. He doesn’t have any mamu (mum’s brother) or chachu (dad’s brother) and his sagi khaalas (mum’s sister) or phuppos (dad’s sisters) don’t care about his problems. He also doesn’t have any grandparents.
Whenever he tries to talk to his sister she ends the conversation by fighting.
He has applied to a private college for further studies where he got admission. But his dad wants him to take admission in a government college now.
His other problem which he is depressed about is that he is very tall (6 ft) and skinny. He thinks he looks odd when he walks or sits around people. How can he solve his problems? How can he convince his dad for admission in the private college? How can he gain weight and stop growing more?
Thanks for being such a great and supportive friend. I suggest you ask your friend to read this letter as I will address is directly to him.
The good thing in this whole situation is that you realise that your father has a problem and he is abusive, which you should know by now has nothing to do with you. It is very important that you understand this and the fact that we don’t choose our parents. Your dad is a bad role model — that’s not a great feeling to live with, but that’s the truth. So stop trying to win his approval for everything which will only end up making you feel desperate.
In fact, I suggest that you stay out of your father’s way as much as possible, trying to avoid any confrontations. You could try telling him that he isn’t a good father, but unless he shows some sort of change in attitude and you sense that the conversation can go further, just leave it at that. Instead there must be a few good relationships that you have. Cultivate those and surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are. If you feel that there is no one, now’s the time to reach out and make good friends. While you’re at it, watch out for any tendency you might have for bullying people. Sometimes those of us who are abused end up doing the same to others. So watch yourself.
As for your studies, could you look around for a scholarship? Could you work and save some money for college? You now have to set a few goals in your life and look hard to see the opportunities that are all around you to help you reach them. Also look hard to see if you can find any potential mentor along the way.
Just stay strong. Everyone has been dealt with something in their lives that is not working for them…in your case it’s your father. For your weight and height, go see a doctor.
I just love your column and today I want to share something with you. I have a boyfriend who is two years older than me. He also has an ex-girlfriend whom he loves more than anyone else. He also cares about me a lot and he doesn’t want to see me cry. I just love him and he loves me too. We both are quite honest and sincere with each other.
He also talks a lot about his ex-girlfriend and he has told me everything about their relationship. But here the problem begins. His ex is in a relationship with another boy. If they break up, I think my boyfriend will get confused and that will be a problem for me. I want to ask you whether he is the perfect guy for me or not?
Confused crazy girl
Forget your boyfriend loving you, are you quite sure you love yourself? Because Auntie seriously doubts that. Your boyfriend is either madly in love with his ex-girlfriend or he’s playing games with you and either way it should be clear that he is most certainly not the perfect guy for you. Someone who truly loves you would not dwell endlessly on a past relationship or an ex-girlfriend. He’d be too besotted by you to think about an ex. You would be girl no.1 in his life and would not be living in fear of his ex breaking up and coming back to him.
The only word to describe this relationship is toxic, and the only thing it seems to be doing is giving your self esteem a beating. You perhaps don’t realize this but subconsciously you are playing second fiddle to the diva in his life. And that most certainly is not love. You deserve better. You deserve someone who will make you his diva, who will see you for the wonderful beautiful person that you are. Please focus on yourself, your gifts and talents, and when you fall in love with yourself that’s when real love will walk into your life.
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