20 September, 2014 / Ziqa'ad 24, 1435

The grass eaters of Bakistan

Published May 17, 2012 09:01am

“We will fight (Hindia) for a thousand years!” Declared chairman of the Bakistan Beables Barty (BBB), Zulfikar Ali Bruto. A couple of years later he was in Hindia trying to negotiate the release of 90,000 Bakistani prisoners of war.

Becoming the Prime Minister after the East Bakistan debacle in 1971 AD, Bruto decided to enter into a nuclear arms race with Hindia after the Hindian government, led by a closet witch, Hindra Gandhi, decided to eradicate poverty in Hindia by spending billions of rupees on building a nuclear bum.

“We will eat grass if we have to (to build our own bum)!” Bruto now declared, while having his favorite dish, Chicken malai tikka with roghni naan.

A couple of years later he was hanging from the gallows.

But the beoble of Bakistan who were regularly having the next best thing (tree bark), decided to instead support the prospect of having halal steak promised by Bruto’s pious general, Ziaul Bin Qasim Bin Ghaznavi Bin Ghori Bin Handlebar Moonch.

Of course, there was no such thing as a halal steak; in fact according to the dictates of Zia’s ulema, it was haram for common beoble to have steak because the whole idea smacked of atheistic communism.

The ulema insisted that only military beoble and rich beoble and fat religious beoble could have steaks (albeit halal) because Hindian soldiers were largely vegetarians and worshiped cows.

Zia agreed and put grass back on the common beoble’s menu that now included Pakistani grass, American hay, Chinese bush, Congolese banana leaves and tree bark.

All these were made halal when the great Kingdumb of Saudi Arabia sprinkled the holy waters of Zamzam on the grass – or so it claimed.

When asked by a nosy Jew/Zionist/Reptilian western reporter why he executed Bruto if grass was again to become the staple food for all common Bakistanis, Ziaul replied that the grass Bruto was offering was not being grown according to the Shariah.

“You see,” said Zia, “Balkistan was created in the name of the military … I mean, religion. My religion. Bakistan was created by the great Muslim warrior, diplomat, swordsman, horse breeder and infidel killer, Mohammad Bin Qasim, as the world’s first modern Islamic caliphate.”

“But that doesn’t answer my question,” said the nosy fool of a reporter; “wasn’t the country created by Muhammad Ali Jinnah?”

“No,” Zia replied, “Jinnah created Pakistan – not Bakistan. I hope you understand this.”

Though the Zia caliphate had banned the sale of alcohol (especially in mouthwashes and deodorants), he allowed the smoking of grass as long as it enhanced creativity and enlightened the mind (also called the Fried Brain Syndrome).

This act gave birth to a generation of creative and enlightened patriotic scholars (fried brains) who insisted that their hallucinations were not hallucinations but deep insights into the workings of the cosmic and quantum conspiracies against the Mulsim ummah.

It is from this generation of cosmic warriors and fried brains (a compliment, mind you), that great scholars like Zaid-ul-Che Bin Hunk Hamid, Dr. Shahid Doom, Shaheen Sepoy, Sangsar Abbasi, Dr. Aamir Hamakat, Moby Lookman Dick and Ali Azmat-ul-Haq Al-Axel–ul-Rose emerged.

These are the wise men that today are shining through like bright examples for young Bakistanis to follow and fry their brains for the sake of keeping Bakistan safe from the evil eye of Sauron, SpongBob Square Pants and from those who advocate a ban on cow slaughter.

After successfully hooking the populace on eating and smoking grass, Zia continued feeding all sorts of steaks to his generals and scientists, fattening them so they could build a fat nuclear bum that he could ask his fat generals to throw on the fat generals of Hindia.

But, unfortunately, millions of lives on both sides of the divide were spared (what a waste), when the Pakistan military’s C-130 flying camel on which Zia was riding was shot down by a terrorist group of liberal fascists led by Najam Sethi (aka Najam The Jackal).

Only the camel’s hump could be retrieved from the wreckage. It was stuffed with grass and put in the Pakistan Hall of Humps of Fame right beside the stuffed hump of Muhammad Bin Qasim’s camel.

Zia’s glorious, pious and manly caliphate was replaced by the rule of a woman. Yes, a woman!

She was the daughter of Z A. Bruto. Her name was Benazir Bruto. And she didn’t like grass. It was an outrage!

So she was thrown out by the gallant remnants of Zia led by General Hamid Bull and Ghulam Miswaq Khan and replaced with Zia’s blue-eyed, figurative blond, Mian Sipah-e-Nawazul Sharif.

Though wanting to become Ameerul Momineen (the plentiful commander of the poverty-stricken faithful), he too was thrown out for corruption when he wished to get a hair transplant on his head instead of his face. It was an outrage!

As the fat generals continued playing silly rotating games with Nawazul and Bruto, the people continued to chomp on grass.

But one day the fat scientists, led by lover of North Korean opera, Dr. Kim Qadeer Godzilla, finally managed to make the fat nuclear devise that Z A. Bruto and then Ziaul had worked so hard for. But it was Nawazul who got to explode it.

The rise of Ram Raj in Hindia in the late 1990s and subsequently, of the Bharatiya Bum Party led by Utter Bihari Veggie-Pie, saw Hindia conduct five nuclear explosions (to alleviate poverty and make India shine from the brilliant glow of the beautiful mushroom cloud the blasts produced).

Nawazul was enjoying his second stint as PM when the Hindians test-exploded their bums.

Nawazul replied by test-exploding not one, not two, not three but 6 bums! A fact he has repeated approximately 6000 times in his last six rallies.

He then celebrated the event by allowing common Bakistanis to feast on the grass and tree leaves in the gardens of his lush Raiwind state.

But while Nawazul was making well-fed goats out of the beoble, his steak-loving generals decided to add some radiation to their steaks. This made them even fatter and feel like superheroes, enough to want to conquer Hindia.

Nawazul’s general, General Puppu Musharraf, secretly sent groups of Bakistani military men dressed in sheep’s clothing deep into those parts of the Islamic Republic of Kashmir that were occupied by the forces of Bollywood.

Nawazul was livid. He wasn’t told of the plan: “I am livid!” He shouted. “I wasn’t told of the plan.”

As Bakistani soldiers, posing as beefy mujahidin in sheep’s clothing were fighting it out with the forces of Bollywood being led by Dev Anand and the ghost of Dark Lord of the Sith, Amresh Puri, Nawazul was livid. He wanted the invasion to stop: “I am livid” he shouted. “I want the invasion to stop.”

Also livid was US president, Billy Gaga. “I am livid!” He told Nawazul. “You guys won’t even be able to afford grass after this!”

It was a disaster. Not only did the Bakistani soldiers-cum-mujahideen-cum-sheep-to-the-slaughter retreat from the Islamic Republic of Kashmir, they were pounded by loud Bollywood group dances and terrible item numbers.

Nawazul was removed in a military coup by General Puppu Musharraf.

He was livid.

After getting bored with Hindia (now that Bakistan too had a bum), general Puppu began playing a double-neck-guitar with the gringos.

But the Bakistani beoble had begun to ask why they had to eat grass now that Bakistan had made the bum.

Perturbed by such unpatriotic questions, General Puppu began fattening some beefy extremists while eliminating some skinny ones just so the gringos would keep his army fat.

To do this it was vital that the beoble continued to eat grass.

“For national interest,” he said. “Fat terrorists good, skinny terrorists bad. Strategic depth, baby”.

This silly out-of-its-depth strategy that someone saw fat terrorists helping Bakistan conquer Afghanistan and maybe even the whole of Central Asia, continued even after General Puppu was forced to resign by hordes of lawyers suffering from peptic ulcers.

They had blamed the grass that was being sold to the beoble by the Puppu regime as the main cause of their ulcers. They were led in this crusade by Batman.

Batman had been banished by General Puppu when he wanted to issue an Ajjinomoto notice against Puppu because he thought he was being served steak that was of a lesser quality than the one being served to Puppu.

His Robins in black coats, however, thought it was all about the equable and judicious distribution of good quality grass. They were livid. It was an outrage.

After the 2008 AD election, the BBB, now under the leadership of the captain of the Swiss mountaineering team, Asif Ali Zardari Bruto, returned to power.

Promising people better quality grass, Zardari’s regime was denounced as being treacherous and beyghairat (dishonorable) when it accepted the gringo aid package under the Kerry-Lugar-Alpha-Beta-Gamma Bill.

The Bill advised the regime to share at least some of the steaks served to the military with at least some of the beoble at least. At least. Livid. Outrage.

“How dare they?” Thought a general, while gazing at his navel and listening to old Malika Pukraj songs on an antique gramophone. And then, as if magically and overnight, this thought became the slogan of a number of ghariratmand (honorable) media persons, opposition parties and supermen and shaheens.

After the Hindians, gringos became our newest enemies. Enemies of our ghairat and sovereignty. They had to be defeated with our sense of ghairat, our TV anchors, national songs, friendly fat terrorists and most of all, our proud grass chomping masses.

Grass eating has become a national duty for the common citizens of Bakistan. Anybody promising anything better is, of course, to be looked at with suspicion and a proudly-paranoid-patriotic disposition. Otherwise lividly and an outrageously.


Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


Do you have information you wish to share with Dawn.com? You can email our News Desk to share news tips, reports and general feedback. You can also email the Blog Desk if you have an opinion or narrative to share, or reach out to the Special Projects Desk to send us your Photos, or Videos.


Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

More From This Author

Comments (171) (Closed)


Raza Dawood
May 17, 2012 08:18am
I was with NFP at college in the mid and late 1980s (St. Pats Govt College). Apart from being a fiery leftist student leader (he was member of Peoples Students Federation), he was also very well known for his biting wit. Though he used to get into physical fights with Jamatis, he was also great at making some hilarious anti-Zia and anti-Jamat posters. I still have some of them with me. I am not surprised that he turned out to be so good at satire.
Tahir
May 19, 2012 09:39am
Bravo... masterpiece...N.F. BARACHA
Mohammadazeez
May 18, 2012 10:08pm
Mr piracha this article should be turned in to a movie and also included in the ancient story books of Panchatantra, Kalila wa Dimna and Alf Laylah wa Laylah.
Karachi Wala
May 18, 2012 08:30pm
Should'nt it be "Billy mmmmMonica instead?
Amit
May 18, 2012 08:30pm
India shining slogan given by BJP now become a joke, after many years even their top leader has to admit in parliament that it was a mistake better slogan would be india rising .
Karachi Wala
May 18, 2012 08:36pm
" on the whole have an ability to laugh at their draw backs. " precisely the reason NFP can not move to inida. Sorry. We Bakistani need to learn, a laugh does not make you a Kaafir!
Karachi Wala
May 18, 2012 09:13pm
I see quite a few Hindians want NFP to move to Hindia and do some work there. I bet if his blog are translated and printed in any Urdu newspaper, he will be labled an "Hindian Agent" by Bakistani urdu columnists.
Karchai Wala
May 18, 2012 09:02pm
More grass?
Karachi Wala
May 18, 2012 09:05pm
By good you mean " Ziaul Bin Qasim Bin Ghaznavi Bin Ghori Bin Handlebar Moonch" right?
Karachi Wala
May 18, 2012 08:59pm
Yes. And it has been only thirtysome years. We will have to eat grass atleast for next 965 years.
Capt Mansur
May 17, 2012 08:12am
Amazingly capitaviting and funny. Excellent way of looking at the politics in our Country. It maybe be funny but, in my home town of Jhang I have seen people really eating grass type of vegetables and wait for a marriage or death to eat meat.
vijay
May 17, 2012 08:07am
but when the bombs are exploded then there will not be any grass or steak for the few survivors left in both countries. Never mind the affluent army and political class can get it imported for themselves to start the game all over again
Muhammad
May 17, 2012 08:10am
Loved it but with obviated GWOT :/
shahid
May 17, 2012 08:25am
wht a awesome article.
Roperia
May 17, 2012 08:32am
Eventhough you've done your duty as a Pakistani to criticize India, I surprised that you would dare ridicule that holy-cows of your country like this. Stay safe bro! V. Roperia Chandigarh, India
Aziz
May 17, 2012 08:02am
and the grass eating will continue.... Actually brother.. we are kind of addictive to this and sorry...... really sorry we can't quit it... Beside all we don't have any other --better options--- to eat. But do you know we eat grass and drink each other blood--- we are more addictive to the drinking part FYI.... Everyday we do have a shot --- these extend from lonely drinking habit to group banging Everybody seems thirsty far more then hungry---- daily we go for hunger strikes but never --- can never ever go for drinking strike.
Abbas
May 17, 2012 08:02am
oye...u forgot the great Genghiz Khan of jalsabad and his Movement of justice to eat china grass :D
Kingrani Sattar
May 17, 2012 11:29am
Yes Mr.Jinnah created Pakistan, not Bakistan. Today the country i.e. Bakistan is Jaghir of bruto's followers, khilafat of allama moulana pir e tarikat hazart Zia ul haque, Bait ul Mal of Sharif ud dins and property of (Derra) Chuadhry Bradrans. Wa Bakistan wa!
Manish
May 17, 2012 12:12pm
Roperia, Read his older articles. You will know how witty and nail hitting Nadeem is. Here is the link http://www.dawn.com/author/nfparacha
Anadil
May 17, 2012 07:50am
o my god...i love how he replaced the P alphabet with B as in Arabic, the sound of P is non-existent...n honestly the concept of eating grass is irritating.....
Shankar
May 18, 2012 10:47am
We in India have forgotten what humor is. We are even scared of a 60 years old cartoon.
Himanshu Singh
May 17, 2012 12:03pm
Sir, please read the whole article , if still you are left with doubts then read some past articles of NFP , am also from india and in my opinion , Dawn is the best secular and objective newspaper in sub continent followed by The Hindu , rest all are crap , and NFP is one of the few 'free and mostly unbiased' columnist. ( yeah but for Imran khan , it seems to me he is somewhat prejudiced :) )
observer
May 17, 2012 02:36pm
Long Live The Grass on Both Sides of Hindia/Bakistan.
Kufr BRF Member
May 17, 2012 02:33pm
The grajj ju are eating ij estolen from kufr brf forum. ju are not bure now, aj ju hab eaten kufr grajj.
Irfan Baloch
May 17, 2012 02:28pm
NFP brings up the grass jibe on regular bases but it was his own iconic leader ZA Bhutto who came up with this phrase of eating grass in Pakistan's pursuit of becoming a nuclear power soon after India detonated its first bomb back in 1974 funny nonetheless but its an own goal as well
@cybegeek
May 17, 2012 11:31am
This was so funny, I had tears running down my eyes and my stomach hurt, couldn't stop laughing. As always NFP is the king of satire. Reading it again...and again.
Programmingdrone
May 18, 2012 04:28pm
This was very funny, but as a Pakistani, I am crying in my heart.
Cyrus Howell
May 17, 2012 03:04pm
He writes to comfort the afflicted, and to afflict the comfortable.
sameer
May 17, 2012 03:06pm
True depiction of the saddest history of our beloved Bakistan! Hats off to NFP
Cyrus Howell
May 17, 2012 03:06pm
He hit the nails on the head.
Cyrus Howell
May 17, 2012 03:06pm
That's about it.
Cyrus Howell
May 17, 2012 03:08pm
Mumaith Khan has never done a bad item number.
osman narejo
May 17, 2012 02:17pm
...........the hallmark of great writing is it's appreciation by even your supposed enemies! NFP is not only a great writer at pakistan level, but i would like to call him a world class writer. it is all the more heartening that the guy is standing up to the forces who are not known to tolerate criticism, espicially, if it is so cutting!
Asher Rafiq
May 17, 2012 02:02pm
Sounds Good!! Equally Good as Mr.Paracha's article. Love it.
Pathanoo
May 18, 2012 05:15pm
Dear NFP, I am getting tired of saying - BRAVO!! BRILLIANT!! EXCELLENT!! OUTSTANDING!! Running out of adjectives. Ever thought of running for office? May be the greatest service you can do for Pakistan. Alternately, how about moving to India? The LEAST you can do is some similar articles on Indian politicians. The Indians would be under your undying obligation. A GRATEFUL AND PROUD AMERICAN OF INDIAN ANCESTORY.
Pathanoo
May 18, 2012 05:11pm
Dear Wazir, Your mind is an upside down glass so nothing can enter (think wisdom). Please, don't sit too long on your brain.
Joveria
May 17, 2012 11:38am
ahhh, why do we need get-some-english-lessons sort of comments to explain our point of view? It was unnecessary. Anyway, I agree with you on calling a spade a spade though.
Fellow Grass-Puffer
May 17, 2012 07:17am
Such awesomeness can only be conjured with the aid of some high-quality grass. Share the love.
Lodhi
May 17, 2012 07:20am
Loved the satire. Nations don't have a retarded history ; ours is. On a side note, the right grass if eaten , has alot of iron content. The amount of grass we've eaten, each one of us should have turned into 'Ironman'. Instead, we turned into goats. Lesson: leave grass-eating to the specialists.
Rubina Manzar
May 17, 2012 07:30am
Week after week NFP pulls out quality stuff in dawn. It maybe serious historical analysis, cultural critique or raving, whiplash satirical articles like this one. Perhaps the most prolific writer in the country.
NORI
May 17, 2012 07:30am
Nadeem bhai, wonderful piece as usual.. Utter Bihari Veggie-pie !! My God, that was really good.. I'm an Indian and would like you to write something on India.
Muhammad Akram
May 17, 2012 11:53am
May be a point is missed here. NFP's sheep are us all who elect, again and again, idiots like our current lords and masters who would sell Pakistan for even a one lousy Green Card. What Grass or steak was the number 2 eating the other day when he wished for one third of the sheep to leave the L.O.P. He even challenged "why don't they". Oops! satire.
Wellwisher
May 17, 2012 07:36am
NFP, what a brilliant mind you have .... spectacular
Durjay
May 17, 2012 07:41am
Take a bow NFP. Just marvelous...One of the best satire..PERIOD.
zango
May 17, 2012 08:35am
please share them with us
Sachin
May 17, 2012 08:37am
You think it's funny that people in your home town eat grass to survive???
RaH
May 17, 2012 08:39am
I loved the photo of the goat happily munching away at the grass And I agree 100% with your comment about the grass
Feroz
May 17, 2012 08:40am
The grass fed to the masses has got mixed with some weed causing delusion. Now some single malt is recommended as an antidote since acid is in short supply..
firz
May 17, 2012 08:42am
It's so pleasantly surprising! there still are people in the Land of Pure who can get the message through such and appreciate this type of funnily (serious) commentary on what obtains in L o P. So all is not lost................hopefully. More grease to your elbows NFP...................
Ahmad
May 17, 2012 11:15am
The only thing i can say you have done a hell of job hats off
rorolia
May 17, 2012 08:49am
Half of the jokes have been already repeated by you in more than ahlf of the earl articles
EDMK
May 17, 2012 08:53am
Lol. Oh, bhai, did you even read the article. NFP is one of few Pakistani writers out there who mocks even the most sacred of cows.
AHA
May 17, 2012 11:12am
Yes, Jinnah certainly did not create this Bakistan. I hope we get our Pakistan back, one day.
Capt Mansur
May 17, 2012 09:09am
Who said it is funny. It is sad but true my dear. A Spade must be called a Spade and it also shows the apathy of the big fat people running the country. Please get some english lessons before giving such senseless comments.
Capt Mansur
May 17, 2012 09:11am
No wonder NFP has such good control of politics and english language. I was in St Pats school and College long before him. He is excellent.
Ursilla Anjum
May 17, 2012 09:13am
For more than a decade NFP has been successfully doing two prominent things: 1) Influencing and inspiring a loads of young people with his sarcasm and sharp cultural commentaries; and 2) Making a lot of other folks very angry. There are no in-betweens when it comes to NFP and this is exactly why his effect can be so polarizing, and yet so potent and punchy. Kudos.
Mishra
May 17, 2012 09:15am
One of the best articles I have read lately.
Zaman Lala
May 17, 2012 09:21am
Yes, it'll be great. Another thing I know a lot his fans have been trying to unearth are copies of that witty anarchist newsletter he used to edit in the late 1980s when he was at Karachi University. It was called The Arousal. I wonder if anybody has any copies of that. As a friend told me that was NFP was at his rawest and raunchiest best. i wonder If NFP has any copies?
PK
May 17, 2012 09:22am
In the picture where a food police is beating the non-halal steak eater, I am impressed with the specially made contraption used for tying a steak eater (probably made by Bakistan Institute of Ghairati Technology, BIGT). They have ensured the steak eater is in a very comfortable position with the cotton white cushion at the bottom and around him. The rope too seem very welcoming. This also ensure the grass eating policemen feel happy and guilt free while performing their duty.
krishnan
May 17, 2012 09:24am
No grass could have grown under the bum - culture. I think Bhutto or Zia for that matter, never went to Ethiopia.There they really eat grass - not the sub continental version but real juicy That is why are the most lovable people on earth..If only..
Pradeep
May 17, 2012 09:24am
‘Billy Gaga’!!!!!!! I just can’t stop laughing for your play with words.
@hasanalirana
May 17, 2012 09:27am
Bombastic Barticle by Badeem Baracha !!!
Naseer
May 17, 2012 11:09am
This satire message and bottomline is pretty simple: Pakistan and India should dismantle their nuclear weapons and spend the money its people.
Farooq
May 17, 2012 09:38am
NFP....this has to be one of your best work...loved it......keep it up..
Rafi
May 17, 2012 09:42am
I luv it. Bhuttos and Zardari are there but No Imran khan. NFP ???? What's up.
Vigilant
May 17, 2012 09:50am
:) well written loved the way whole story is presented....i hope someday we will eat something more than grass
harry pothead..
May 17, 2012 10:03am
why eat grass when u can smoke it!!! Peace....
opensam
May 17, 2012 10:04am
'forces of bollywood'......luv ur work nfp.
Yawar Ali. B.
May 17, 2012 11:06am
NFP takes both Inidia's and Pakistan's military, political and religious establishments to the cleaners! Loved it.
Mohammad
May 17, 2012 10:17am
I am a regular reader of NFP blogs but this is one of the best satirical piece i have come across, by the way I find a lot of people asking your comments on the type of grass available if Immy Khan comes to power.
Nadir
May 18, 2012 09:35am
So mr Naseer, so there's no middle ground between this cynical trash and Zaid Hamid??
M. A. Kamran
May 17, 2012 10:24am
A true masterpiece, someone should translate it in Urdu so that our grass-eating "awam" can also look in the mirror and thank NFP.
peera
May 17, 2012 11:06am
One of the great articles of NFP I have ever read... just wonderful dear. I love all the names like, Bakistan Beables Barty (BBB), general, Ziaul Bin Qasim Bin Ghaznavi Bin Ghori Bin Handlebar Moonch, Mian Sipah-e-Nawazul Sharif and the most wonderful was Swiss mountaineering team, Asif Ali Zardari Bruto. Great Nadeem bai thumbs up.
arun
May 17, 2012 11:06am
Beautiful post :) If you change the names of the politicians, it could apply to India as well. Maybe that is why politicians on both sides of the border keep repeating (during periods of bonhomie) that we have a "lot in common".
pakistani
May 17, 2012 10:44am
but you yourself said it maybe funny.. can you read you comment once again what you wrote.
Syed M. Rehan
May 18, 2012 09:49am
I Love Grass. Share with me......
r.s.soni
May 17, 2012 10:59am
what we got from partition! 80% poor people from both side of the redclif line are suffering. nature of suffering is exactly .same . crony, cronyism and crony capitalism is prevailing both sides.i don.t think plight of poor people will ever improve.
Ali
May 17, 2012 12:13pm
Read the article first my friend! No India Pak war going on here..chilll
Naseer
May 18, 2012 10:16am
There is, but I most certainly can't find you there. Also, I am absolutely sure that had NFP not mocked Zardari you would've been quick to criticize him for that.
Capt Mansur
May 17, 2012 12:37pm
When I wrote it maybe funny that comment was to this article and not my home town, next word is but, which is another story. Not one but, Maybe quite a few need english classes with Grammar I guess. Ask NFP to explain if you have any doubts.
Desi
May 17, 2012 01:46pm
ROFL! Another gem from NFP.
faizan khalid
May 17, 2012 01:04pm
What a non-sense is it? He seems to mixing good with evil and at the same time making fun of lots of things. He must mind his language.
Cyrus Howell
May 17, 2012 03:03pm
Agree.
Yawar
May 19, 2012 02:16am
Too good. It is amazing how Mr. Paracha uses satire to convey his message. In this case how Jinnah's Pakistan was converted into Bakistan. Hopefully, under Imran Khan our country can go back to being Pakistan. I was in my cubicle at work during lunch time when I read the article. I laughed uncontrolably the whole way through. Hard to pick out the best part from a load full of gems. But I think Mian Sipah-e-Nawazul Sharif, Bakistan and bum win over the others by a small margin.
shyam
May 17, 2012 03:59pm
Do us a favour M/S Parcha and move to India for a few years to kick some of our Indian egos with your sattire in the stoumch. I think such stuff is very healthy for any nation. Indians, on the whole have an ability to laugh at their draw backs.
Asad Shah
May 17, 2012 04:16pm
agree
Wazir K
May 19, 2012 05:30am
Mr NFP, Try to face critique. All that is published is not correct. MR NFP is in the habit of crossing limits while criticizing anything against his concept of life. Realize that you cannot turn the entire populace in your own way of thinking. People have been and will continue to differ with your opinion, live with that.
Iqbal
May 17, 2012 04:36pm
Grassalani was eating the best grass-fed steaks that money can buy. The one third were mesmerized by the grass being greener on the other side!
Bhandary
May 17, 2012 04:38pm
Intense. Distilled truth. Incredible. How about some about the loonies on our side of the great divide ?
rajabo
May 17, 2012 04:39pm
a master piece yar... !!!
Grass Tacks
May 18, 2012 08:30am
Fantastic sattire NFP , Sorry NF"B"
Faisal Naqvi
May 17, 2012 04:58pm
It is good to see Nadeem mocking corrupt PPP government for a change. By the way I am as liberal as they come. Nadeem is a very good writer.
Pakistani
May 17, 2012 05:20pm
Pseudo intellectual free mason
guest
May 19, 2012 05:08am
NFP always tries to prove one thing that he actually belongs to 2000 BC, completely alien to today's world. No sense of ground realities. I'll suggest him to join stage drama team with mastana etc. That seems to me more suitable place for him.
St.Pats Alumni
May 17, 2012 05:25pm
Long live St.Pats!
Irfan Baloch
May 18, 2012 08:39am
I stand corrected though, I wrote the above comments while the images were still loading. NFP for the very first time has linked the appetite of Pakistanis for grass to ZA Bhutto the great "civilian" I repeat not a General sorry Not a "Punjabi General" but a Sindhi Civilian leader & ruler who uttered these immortal words.
Gurdeep
May 17, 2012 05:46pm
" Lesson: leave grass-eating to the specialists"...hillarious!!
A Shah
May 18, 2012 08:40am
Brilliant!
Grasshopper
May 17, 2012 06:48pm
Your admirer Pakistani is reprsenting a true Pakistani mindset. A grasshole must be called a grasshole.
Salman
May 17, 2012 06:52pm
NFP very good , keep up the good work. Your clear thoughts are very musc needed here.
SpARK
May 17, 2012 07:08pm
The Grass is always green on the other SiDE
war
May 18, 2012 04:16pm
if jews can eat mon o salva why we can not eat grass may god help us to develop such varaties of grass we will not on ly eat but supply to middle east just like our rice wait for a day the bakistanies will not cover all the orders. think for a day that arabs will eat oil. eating of grass is better than to drink oil.
Jalal Khan
May 17, 2012 07:45pm
Bravo, excellent article.
sarfaraz Khan
May 18, 2012 02:07pm
Agree with Wazir K. Waste of time. Eat some fresh grass NFP.
Faisal
May 18, 2012 02:25pm
What is a man without self respect called?
Albela
May 17, 2012 07:55pm
I certainly don't mind NFP ridiculing the Right and Extreme Right nut bags. But NFP you also need to do look at the LEFTISTs. Who in the their right frame of mind think that Swiss Mountaineer Expedition team that we currently have aren't as big morons as the one's before them?
Kuppuji
May 18, 2012 12:09pm
I don't now how to describe this blog. NFP's last one was the best I thought. Now this one, which is better than the best. I am sure his next one will outdo others he wrote before. Remember: Ivan Lendl once opined that grass is for cows after losing once again at Wimbledon. However, we (Bakistais and Hindians) need grass for the cows, and cows for the grass. Kudos.
Desi
May 17, 2012 08:34pm
Well done NFP! Although the sattire is funny, the reality of it and the fact that it effects more than a billion people makes me really sad!
Shahi Rome
May 17, 2012 08:42pm
Nadeem sb has depicted the history of pakistan's atom bomb and it's consequences in hs witty and savvy style. Very impressive article.
Rajab Ali
May 17, 2012 09:28pm
hahaha..... just mind urs....!!!
Diganta
May 17, 2012 09:50pm
I hope someone in India written such articles on India too. Probably grass is greener on the other side of the fence ...
Araj Raza
May 17, 2012 09:52pm
The single most quotable article i have read from anybody ever......... Maybe also the best satire that i have come across of this nation's many afflictions Bravo NFP
Mama's boy
May 17, 2012 10:03pm
See, he didn't make fun of Imran Khan. My mom was right, he's the best =D Immy Kay <3
Raju
May 18, 2012 07:05am
The most important incident of recent Pakistan history, the discovery and killing of Osama Bin Laden in military town Abbottabad has been left out.
Prithvi
May 17, 2012 10:47pm
Simply Brilliant Writing, Nadeem how abt you move to india,We sure would appreciate more of this here!!
javed khan
May 17, 2012 11:16pm
People of Bakistan had a choice of eating grass or lead,bums and depleted uranium bums, so it was a wise choice to eat grass and smoke it.
vijay
May 19, 2012 04:29am
You can grow Miira grass which when consumed will supress the desire to eat.
vijay
May 19, 2012 04:27am
@Shyam He will be jailed by mamata banerjee and the entire indian parliament will pack him off to Timbactoo
Maaz S
May 18, 2012 09:23am
hahahaha ...ROFL..."NFP sahab Tusi tey chah gayay."
AMIR SIDDIQUI
May 18, 2012 01:06am
' Our promise for future as we were, Mighty,, Our performance,as we are now..NOTHING!! all the disgrace belongs to the people who had to deliver on the promise..not on the common soul who believed !! Yet one has to keep the hope alive...when the wreched becomes restless..go on laughing shall we, till then?? Bravo NFP
Guest
May 18, 2012 01:50am
thank you and a question for NFP. Interesting to note that the "flying camel on which Zia was riding was shot down by a terrorist group of liberal fascists led by Najam Sethi" whereas in your earlier piece on 01/26/2011 you had claimed that "a Mongolian agent had placed a tiny bomb in the denture that Zia used and that exploded." Any new evidence?? btw, it would be nice to read your take on "Najam the Jackal."
Aditya
May 18, 2012 02:00am
is it really true that bhutto said that pakistan will eat grass for 1000 years to have a bum bigger than india.
Imraan Mehmood
May 18, 2012 06:38am
Surprisingly, NFP has been praising Zulfiqar and Bhutto family in his previous articles, and now for reasons best known to him he is mocking his own heroes !!!
Mudassar
May 18, 2012 01:19pm
well said Faizan. @Rajab behave
Sandip
May 18, 2012 03:01pm
Best part... "Hindra Gandhi, decided to eradicate poverty in Hindia by spending billions of rupees on building a nuclear bum" Thanks MFP!
pakorachai
May 18, 2012 06:43am
You must have eaten high quality grass. I couldn't stop laughing and then reflecting over such beautifully crafted piece. God bless you and may you keep enlightening us in your inimitable style. Amen.
Dr. Prudent Injeeli
May 18, 2012 06:45am
Well done, again
SKChadha
May 18, 2012 03:31am
Nadan Preacher reminds me of Bakistani humorist Ibn-e-Insha. Who once wrote about his encounter with a person of overwhelming ethnic and sub-nationalist sensitivities: “Aajkal Bakistan mein koyi apney aap ko Bhindi kehta hai to koyi Blue-chi, Punjbhai ya Pattha(n). Agar yahi sab karna tha tou Bakistan bananey ki kya zaroorat thi?” Insha responded “Maaf kijiyega, galti ho gayi, Jo Bana Hai Use To Rehne Deejiye, agey sey nahin banayenge, jo ho gaya us par mitti pao …!!!
Kamran
May 18, 2012 03:49am
True ! Its this grass that makes Al Bharia Bakistani people to sleep and stay away from reality.
Animal Lover
May 18, 2012 04:04am
Superb!!! I love you NFP. One day I want to meet you. I am a Hindian!!
Anuj
May 18, 2012 04:08am
I loved the little Indian boy running with the flag after a bum explosion, and the comment, so very Antoinette like ..."let them eat Uranium". Beautifully done. A picture/line of satire is truly worth a thousand words. Loved Zardari as the capt of the Swiss Mountaineering team. Gilani seems to be acting as his porter even now...carrying the baggage for him and getting the judiciary after him;-). Excellent stuff NFP. Thank you v much for making my day.
nazia
May 18, 2012 04:23am
charya awam!
Adeel Khalid
May 18, 2012 01:16pm
we ate grass. we are eating grass & we will eat grass. Now, Please dont belame that we are mass-khor. Agreed, our Politicians are Haram-Khor but we poor Bakistanis are vegitatians.
Sethi
May 18, 2012 01:15pm
It may be called full of humor and fun but those who have rights to write and/or to admire such humor emit the level of taste that they posses.
Qasim
May 18, 2012 05:00am
How awefully sad! NFP is showing us the mirror... and we are all only loving it!
Amnali
May 18, 2012 05:05am
Beoble of Bakistan never learnt to learn lesson from their mistakes.....the article was awesome!
Smoking grass
May 18, 2012 05:06am
LOL...my thoughts exactly !
Rao
May 18, 2012 05:32am
That's a very short and precise statement about NFP
C for Cassim
May 18, 2012 05:18am
How awefully sad that he is showing us the mirror and all we can do is laugh and not get the lesson!
farid
May 18, 2012 05:20am
EXCELLENT- ---THIS GRASS THERAPY--IS TAKING IT"S ROOTS IN MY COUNTRY [BANG-LA-DESH ,SOME PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE IT BANGLISTAN ] TOO. ---OUR LEADERS ARE DECEIVING COMMON PEOPLE--IN THE NAME OF RELIGION--IN THE NAME OF NATIONALITY--IN THE NAME OF LANGUAGE. ----THE COMMON MASS IS ADVANCING--ONE STEP FORWARD AND TWO STEP BACK-- --BUT KHALIFAS ARE ADVNCING WITH JET SPEED WITH THEIR KINS ---.THANKS FOR THE ARTICLE--A GOOD ONE. farid, tx,usa.
Ashfaq Khan
May 18, 2012 05:22am
Do you have a brain, or is it full of grass? Read the article and understand what NFP is trying to say.
Shashi
May 19, 2012 06:13am
"The lunatic is on th grass" ,rodger will be really proud of this piece and stress on grass:) . NFP brings a unique perspective on that part of pakistanin history which is unknow to people outside because of blackouts and un subcontinental regime of zia. I learn something new everything I read one of his articles. Keep the enlightment and satire going.
Rao
May 18, 2012 05:35am
Sounds very apt.....on the lines of what NFP wrote
Yousuf Khan
May 19, 2012 06:16am
Mr. NFP has put lot of effort in creating this pile of rubbish
Rao
May 18, 2012 05:40am
Yes very true NFP...Jinnah created Pakistan, but because of intolerance created by the leaders succeeding him, it became Baki - Stan (left over piece of land) after Bangladesh seperation....The same policies are continuing and we hear howls of protest in Balochistan....Pakistanis like you should come together to put an end to this
Rao
May 18, 2012 05:44am
Read the article properly.....He is criticizing the leaders on both sides of the boundary
Wazir K
May 18, 2012 05:45am
I cant believe I wasted whole 15 minutes in reading this useless piece of sarcasm. An absolutely useless, artificial and superficial analysis by NFP coupled with non stop, non sense critique on everything from Muhammad Bin Qasim to AA Zardari. What is the conclusion?
Naseer
May 18, 2012 05:50am
The conclusion is you are better off attending a PTI and DPC jalsa or worse, a Zaid Hamid lecture.
Shekhar
May 18, 2012 07:28am
thank you DAWN for bringing such nice mind rovoking articles
EastofWagah
May 19, 2012 07:00am
Even better - "Hindra Gandhi (closet witch)" hahaha! Hats off to Mr. Paracha!
Ammar
May 19, 2012 12:03pm
In fact NFP has always criticized Bhutto's decision to make Pakistan Nuclear and Security Centric, and Radically religious State, instead of progressive social welfare state. He is not a very big fan of ZAB and has criticized his policies in previous writings.
Faqira
May 21, 2012 01:03am
Outrageously true!! I'm LIVID!!! Jeay BBB! Jeay Bruto!!
mohammad
May 19, 2012 04:03pm
very nice pen-wabble.well written we need positive criticism to midify ourselves alama mashriq says surat e shamsher hay daste-qaza main woh quam kartee has jo har zaman apney amal ka hisab.
Guest
May 19, 2012 04:26pm
The moderator has not approved my previous comment which only tells the mindset of the people here. You could have edited the comment but not blocked it completely, as it was only a polite and referenced critique on NFP's frequent switching of positions in his writings (as he has done on Zia's death and on the 1971 debacle), puns for the sake of puns, and less instructive or forward looking for country and society. NFP and DAWN should not be spreading such a melancholy and pessimism amongst the people!
Tariq K Sami
May 20, 2012 08:16pm
Bhutto for all his faults was anti-imperialist.
sharjeel
May 20, 2012 06:02pm
BTW one comment said, what if immi khan comes to power then what kinda grass...
Sharjeel
May 20, 2012 06:01pm
this is the NFP , every one loves.
Vivek
May 20, 2012 05:24am
I bet Wazir sahib that you have never smiled in your life!!!
Arvind Kumar
May 21, 2012 04:48am
A beautiful piece.
Faqira
May 21, 2012 05:18am
Hey NFP how come you failed to mention Radee (kaghaz ki!) Gulliani and TT Taafoo of Kolachi Gith?!!
musahib hussain
May 21, 2012 07:54am
And patriotic national songs will serve the country in a better way, unfortunately, this led us nowhere.
sanjay
May 21, 2012 10:15am
not just in your country, but in all of South Asia, if not the world! NFP rocks
sanjay
May 21, 2012 10:28am
Himanshu, fully agree with your assessment "Dawn is the best secular and objective newspaper in sub continent followed by The Hindu ,p"
Hirsute Hippo
May 22, 2012 02:47pm
Pure genius. Keep up the good work!
Zack Khan
May 22, 2012 06:28pm
We should have stayed as part of India, now we should be friendlier to India maybe they will accept us as a friend. Because I know that if we were in India's position and India in ours, we would have walked all over India. This is us, the true pakistanis, I am so ashamed to be pakistani.
owais
May 23, 2012 09:43pm
Faizan...do you know what is a satire? Whats your Qualifications? May be you are not enlightened enough to understand that there is a whole world of literature, which is hate-mongering free. Or may be you only read Hizazi and still stuck in that BullSh**. Certainly not very bright ....are you?
iqbal memon
Jun 06, 2012 06:40pm
I think we should enjoy reading the article with lot of satire, which have seen throughout the history of literature and new generation should think rationally and analytically, that what went wrong in past.
Ayush
May 28, 2012 06:15pm
LOL too good... the grass is always green on our own side ehh ? :D -Ayush, Kolkata, India
shaukat chughtai
May 29, 2012 06:04pm
beople barty is no longer a liberal socialistparty. Can NFP initiate a liberal socialist party in Bakistan
gary
Jun 15, 2012 01:32pm
Arabs cannot pronounce P, they say B, Bhoona not Poona, Bebsi not Pepsi.
vinay
May 31, 2012 09:03am
NFP, may I borrow some of your wit:) You are just too good. I wish we had someone like you in India:)