Salman Rushdie to write book on Imran Khan

Published Mar 22, 2012 05:07pm

Controversial novelist, author and your mother-in-law trapped in a middle-aged man’s body, Salman Rushdie, announced in London that he is planning to write a book on his relationship with Pakistani cricketer-turned-politician-should-turn-cricketer-again, Imran Khan.

Talking to journalists at London’s Heathrow Airport, Rushdie told reporters that the book is mostly about the art of reverse swing bowling that Imran pioneered during his cricketing days. The book will be called ‘Satanic Reverses.’

Rushdie’s book will be based on his talks with Imran during the time when he first met him in London in 1880. Imran had been invited by Lord John Windstorm and Lady Windstorm for dinner at their luxurious and ghost-infested castle in suburban London.

‘Imran was a very charming young lad then,’ Rushdie told the media personnel. ‘I particularly fancied his Duran Duran hair-cut and his extensive knowledge of London’s finest milk bars.’

Rushdie and Imran recently experienced an acrimonious fall out when Imran refused to attend a Duran Duran reunion concert in Mumbai in which Rushdie was also invited to perform a live human sacrificial ritual on stage to summon the devil.

Talking on the phone from the Aabpara area in Pakistan’s capital, Islamabad, Imran told this correspondent that he couldn’t even imagine sharing the same stage with a devil worshipper like Salman Rushdie.

‘Ever since I retired from cricket, I have been relentlessly working towards eradicating devil worship in Pakistan,’ Imran explained. ‘I was planning to invite Duran Duran to perform at my rally in Mandi Bahauddin, but I am disappointed that they have allowed a Satanist like Rushdie to attend their concert. I have now invited a local pop band, Hafiz Saeed & The Rocking Missiles, to the rally.’

When asked by this reporter about the controversial songs of the said band in which it propagates hatred towards Ahmadis, Hindus, Christians and Shias, Imran said that the songs ‘only propagate hatred towards bad Ahmadis, Hindus, Christians and Shias.’

‘They (the band) are actually a great bunch of people,’ Imran said. ‘Very patriotic and very misunderstood. Their latest single, Shezan is the devil’s drink is pretty awesome.’

Imran says that he had never met Rushdie and that Rushdie was lying about the talks they had about reverse swing bowling.

‘The time Rushdie claims I was with him at Lord Windstorm’s castle, I was actually performing hajj in Mecca,’ Imran claimed.

Rushdie however rubbished Imran’s assertion. While taking a swig of goat’s blood from a human skull and letting out a burst of evil laugher, Buahahahaha, Rushdie said: ‘Immy was there at the castle enjoying a jug of skimmed milk and talking about the art of reverse swing with Joan Windstorm, the 23-year-old daughter of the Windstorms, and all the while Joan thought he was talking about transvestites in major league baseball.’

‘Nonsense!’ Said Imran when told about Rushdie’s claim. ‘It was whole milk and not at all skimmed.’

Imran added that Rushdie was quick to insult his (Imran’s) faith (i.e. white magic), but can he afford to ridicule the fairytale stories of the Holocaust of the Amazonian people?

In an interview he gave to famous Red Indian TV anchor, Barkha Two Horse Power Dutt, Imran said: ‘This does not mean that I am a Holocaust denier. I like the Amazonians because they are people of the book (i.e. 'Dummies Guide to White Magic'). All I am suggesting is that just because the Amazonians have great influence in Hollywood and like to finance one-dimensional and biased flicks about those who do not like Shezan fruit juices, Rushdie will never even think about ridiculing them in his novels.’

Furthermore, Imran also contradicted Rushdie’s claims by confessing that it was not him who was the pioneer of reverse swing, but former Pakistani cricketer and heavy Shezan drinker, Sarfraz Nawaz.

‘Rushdie should know this because Sarfraz too became a devil worshipper,’ Imran said.

But Rushdie continued to insist to the reporters that he did meet Imran and had long conversations about reverse swing bowling, the need for neutral umpires, Duran Duran’s fashion sense and Lady Windstorm’s inexplicable admiration for Ian Botham’s flabby frame.

Rushdie, while sticking pins in a voodoo doll that uncannily looked like an 1880 version of Imran, said: ‘Imran also met former Libyan dictator, Colonel Qadhafi, at the Windstorm’s castle. In fact, Qadhafi offered him $10 million to work as his double.’

Imran agrees that Qadhafi made the offer, but says that the offer was not made at the Windstorm’s castle, but during hajj.

‘You can ask the camel that accompanied Qadhafi when he came to meet me at my tent there,’ Imran said.

When some media personnel travelled to Saudi Arabia to meet the camel they were told that the camel was executed in 1987 by Saudi authorities for showing affection to a female camel in public. Its meat was then donated to Pakistan.

The Imran-Rushdie saga is far from resolved. In fact it is set to further flare up once Rushdie publishes his book. Interestingly, authorities in Iran have already started to organise book burning events in which notebooks with ‘Satanic Reverses’ scribbled on them (with pencil) are being hurled into the fires.

In Saudi Arabia, almost two hundred female camels were recently executed after they were accused of driving their own carts and thus practicing black magic.

In Pakistan, Hafiz Saeed & The Rocking Missiles have planned to hold peaceful anti-Rushdie concerts and release a song (written by former I As I chief) to raise funds for Imran’s election campaign. The song is called ‘Aman Ka Pasha.’

In Britain, the Windstorms who were implicated by the Scotland Yard for their role in the assassination of Prince Charles’s favorite horse, Nigel, have vowed to back Rushdie’s claims by helping him turn his book into a Bollywood blockbuster called ‘Kabhi Rushdie, Kabhi Dumb.’

The Amazonian lobby in Hollywood has also shown interest in financing the film but only if it is allowed to add meaningless footage of Amazonian warriors slaughtering defenseless Babylonian men, women and children in the film.

Members of Duran Duran however have announced that they want nothing to do with Rushdie anymore. In fact, they are said to have joined the London chapter of the Tableeghi Jamat, given up music and opened a series of halal fashion boutiques in the Pakistani city of Raiwind.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.



The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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Comments (106) (Closed)


Sindhi
Mar 22, 2012 12:08pm
Wah Saein Wah. Zabardast NFP.
Imran
Mar 22, 2012 12:21pm
Cool story bro!!
praveen
Mar 22, 2012 12:24pm
After a long time , one more hilarious jhelabi from NFP. "camel was executed in 1987 by Saudi authorities for showing affection to a female camel in public. Its meat was then donated to Pakistan" he he ,real gem
Saad D
Mar 22, 2012 12:42pm
bohat alaa! :D
Fareena
Mar 22, 2012 12:45pm
NFP, this ain't even funny.
yawar
Mar 22, 2012 01:16pm
you.must.be.joking!!! This is certainly one of his funniest and sharpest parody articles.
Pakistani
Mar 22, 2012 01:21pm
An extremely hillarious and stimulating piece... I so wish to see the day when our leaders and so called intellectuals come out of their delusional narcissism.
Harish Shenai
Mar 22, 2012 01:21pm
Excellent piece sirji.Maan gaye.
Ashiq Samo
Mar 22, 2012 01:21pm
No one wants to be where Salman Rushdie is.
Awais Mujeeb Ahmad
Mar 22, 2012 01:29pm
y "shezan" a devil's drink??
jalpaan
Mar 22, 2012 01:59pm
having nothing to do except criticizing to the popular people to make himself popular
Saad
Mar 22, 2012 02:14pm
I believe, Nadeem could have done better. He is mixing fact with fiction in most sections of the blog! For people with less knowledge on some facts (in Imran Khan's life) might take them for stories aswell!
Sameer
Mar 22, 2012 02:22pm
I liked this one better :- "In Saudi Arabia, almost two hundred female camels were recently executed after they were accused of driving their own carts and thus practicing black magic."
Schuaeb
Mar 22, 2012 02:17pm
hahaha!! funny ideed! but another of IK Obsession Syndrome
citiman
Mar 22, 2012 02:32pm
why do we need fun here? indeed it was not funny at all.
cityman
Mar 22, 2012 02:35pm
very well written. NFP. People who need "fun" may read some jokes etc...somewhere else.
Agha
Mar 22, 2012 02:42pm
Not funny at all just a waste of time..
Anjum Hameed
Mar 22, 2012 02:47pm
I love it!!..too, too funny..I don't think we have an IK Obsession, I think his own statements bring this upon himself!!..
Zohair
Mar 22, 2012 02:55pm
Satanic Satire...
SanityPrevails
Mar 22, 2012 02:50pm
Just can't understand what the writer want to write...seems too much already exists confusing thoughts in his mind .
mansoor
Mar 22, 2012 03:13pm
A total waste of time..... and it wasn't even funny and neither is rushdie a laughing matter for most pakistanis
Ali Shah
Mar 22, 2012 03:39pm
I am not a big fan of NFP but this article did make me laugh
Fatimah K.
Mar 22, 2012 03:39pm
NFP has been writing some terrific political and social satire in Dawn. This was belongs right up there with some of his best. But even more hilarious are some of the reactions in the comment section. They have no clue what's hit them! :)
kanwal
Mar 22, 2012 03:39pm
Brilliant! Awsome. And very accurate
ANWER
Mar 22, 2012 03:45pm
ITS TIME 4 NFP TO TAKE RETIREMENT LIKE COWSJEE,BECAUSE NFP AGE IS REACHING COWSJEE LIMITS.
jen
Mar 22, 2012 04:08pm
'Satanic Reverses'.....Nadeem, now its becoming difficult to say which is your best as every time i read, i could not help but wonder your awesomeness in satire. keep it up.
jugnu
Mar 22, 2012 04:30pm
excellent...............
Asghar
Mar 22, 2012 04:40pm
Why doesn't NFP ever write satire against and about bad governance, corruption, extortion, street crimes, nepotism and the list goes on and on? These issues hurt me more as a common man. Never saw anything from him against those in power either. He's just too much focused on religious fanatics and those he personally dislikes . They cause me damage too - but not as much. Maybe, NFP's leftist past has something to do with his areas of interest.
Ali
Mar 22, 2012 05:08pm
Hey NFP, there is one typo in your article....its 1980 not 1880 when Salman met Imran.
Aamir
Mar 22, 2012 05:18pm
Excellent and really funny
mkhan
Mar 22, 2012 05:27pm
A great read, NFP your a gifted writer !
Kulsoom
Mar 22, 2012 05:44pm
He is obsessed with Khan..
Ursilla Anjum
Mar 22, 2012 05:46pm
That was intentional, bhai. :)
Umber Rehman
Mar 22, 2012 06:16pm
Actually it's time for Imran and Rushdie to retire and for NFP to become the next Pakistani PM.
IAK
Mar 22, 2012 06:29pm
Rubbish stuff by NFP, as usual.
aimz
Mar 22, 2012 06:45pm
Not very funny, a disappointment indeed.
Kashif Sarwar
Mar 22, 2012 06:46pm
NFP you are becoming a waste of space !
Tahir Alvi
Mar 22, 2012 06:50pm
Uh-oh. Here come the Tsunami fans. I love the way NFP manages to spin them into a tangle.
Tahir
Mar 22, 2012 06:52pm
Wow. This coming from a Tsunami fan. LOL. The truth is it is PTI fans who are obsessed with NFP. He's king.
Nadir
Mar 22, 2012 06:57pm
Love You :) made my day.
Khurram
Mar 22, 2012 06:59pm
I used to be a big fan on NFP, but I am disappointed now. Not because I think it was not funny, it sure was. I feel bad for NFP now, he is just hopeless with the country and wants everyone to feel the same about everyone including Imran Khan. He should consider writing something positive for a change, at least once in a while.
Ghani Khan
Mar 22, 2012 07:19pm
Piece by NFP, sensationalism at its best. Humour infantile.
asma tanoli
Mar 22, 2012 07:46pm
A great article with lots of inside information. Good satire!
jagjit sidhoo
Mar 22, 2012 08:09pm
‘Kabhi Rushdie, Kabhi Dumb.’Hilarious but below the belt
Waleed
Mar 22, 2012 08:19pm
maza nai aya...
Shirazi
Mar 22, 2012 10:03pm
Hafiz Saeed and the Rocking Missiles :) Absolutely Brilliant.
sarita talwai
Mar 22, 2012 10:17pm
NFP, I watched both the men on T.V last week and I thought-aah...Fresh fodder for NFP ! Well, as usual you rose to the occasion !
bored
Mar 22, 2012 10:30pm
if this was supposed to be a clever piece of satire or some witty metaphor, you failed. this was just really boring and really dry.
Razia
Mar 22, 2012 10:43pm
Very funny. But, your mother-in-law is not going to be happy :)
ivanpk3
Mar 22, 2012 11:11pm
True Story
Mikal
Mar 22, 2012 11:32pm
I couldn't agree more.
Athar
Mar 23, 2012 12:06am
A petty sense of fun.
Gautham
Mar 23, 2012 12:23am
NFP is nobody's Social Studies or Moral Science teacher. If you really need some enlightenment on those read other bloggers. He is a satirist and a damn good one. Great imagination and terrific humor is required to ridicule narcissists riding imaginary righteous horses.
El Cid
Mar 23, 2012 12:34am
NFP does not satire. Satire, by defination is parody and ridicule of those in power. That takes great courage. As proof: You will see thar NFP will step away from IK when he takes command.
G.Nabi
Mar 23, 2012 12:36am
King of what ? Shop talk !
Rizwan
Mar 23, 2012 01:03am
I did not understand the importance of this article. Why Rushdi name appear on this article? Is it fair that you are actually going to give the importance to Rushdi rather than Imran Khan.
Gul
Mar 23, 2012 03:13am
What a wonderful write up. You have made my day. Thank you very much Nadeem Paracha.
Mustafa Razavi
Mar 23, 2012 03:23am
Tahir Sahib, the tangle is all in your mind, just like NFP is a legend in his own mind.
Mustafa Razavi
Mar 23, 2012 03:21am
I pity people whose intellectual level does not allow them to enjoy NFP.
shahid
Mar 23, 2012 03:56am
Guess! y its only dawn news in Pakistan giving do much coverage to Salman Rushdie? exactly
s
Mar 23, 2012 04:45am
i couldn't stop laughing! only NFP, and only DAWN! Thanks for the laughs!
Insomniac
Mar 23, 2012 05:20am
I was not sleepy at all. Thanx for whatever you said up there. Made me sleepy! good night
hina
Mar 23, 2012 06:13am
Lolz - hilarity*hilarity
Mustafa
Mar 23, 2012 08:41am
I read the article over and over and realized it is not about Salman Rushdi or Imran Khan. It is all about Nadeem Paracha's perception of Salman Rushdi and Imran Khan as comedians.
Omar
Mar 23, 2012 08:41am
what rubbish and utter waste of space.
Lord Comealot
Mar 23, 2012 08:59am
Absolutely brilliant NFP. Too funny.
Stephen
Mar 23, 2012 09:56am
Time to stop reading Dawn and move over to other Pak publications for News and mature professional articles.
Ennkay
Mar 23, 2012 10:10am
Rushdie is a pratt. Imran is better looking. The article is very funny
Saad Salman Zia
Mar 23, 2012 10:26am
*yawn* I liked your writing a lot but your satire work is simply not what I look for in humor.
MUNIB
Mar 23, 2012 10:40am
I am an Imran Khan supporter but at the same time i must say there is a natural contradiction in IK's many views. NFP has beautifully twisted them for a laugh. PTI guys need to learn the art of disgesting satire
Kashu
Mar 23, 2012 10:41am
A great read! lol
kamaljit singh
Mar 23, 2012 11:43am
''your mother-in-law trapped in a middle-aged man’s body'' Haha
Imraan Mehmood
Mar 23, 2012 01:00pm
As usual, NFP is craving for attention
Zalim Khan
Mar 23, 2012 01:04pm
Hey, NFP....."excellent article" just keeps getiing better! keep it going!
syed
Mar 23, 2012 01:08pm
I am surprised how come Salman Rushdie is given so much coverage under the Pakistani media
Sharmeen
Mar 23, 2012 02:22pm
Well said Gautham. Precisely.
Saud Bajwa
Mar 23, 2012 02:16pm
I used to read your columns but gave up reading them since I found you a sort of 'extremist', hardline opinionated intellectual. This was due to me in the centre having dislike for any kind fanatics...either religious or secularists, but this blog, I started reading it and then could not stop until I finished. Fantastic satire.I never knew this side of your talent. Absolutely wonderful.May be consider expressing yourself more in this kind of a way.
vijay, chennai, Indi
Mar 23, 2012 02:48pm
watch rushdi's photo. Remove the beard. Add a few wrinkles to his face-Voila!!! He looks like Mahatma Gandhi
Rashid
Mar 23, 2012 04:30pm
NFP as usual your crossed your point, this time with satire twist. You are heck of a writer. Keep it going..
Goga Nalaik
Mar 23, 2012 04:47pm
Hilarious Your fan
Shenaniganman
Mar 23, 2012 05:17pm
You know what I love about NFP's articles? You never learn anything from them.
Iftikhar Husain
Mar 23, 2012 06:09pm
I am glad to read this keep on posting such original stories.
Arjun
Mar 23, 2012 06:32pm
Ustaad Nadeem, the politics world over is so miserable that one dreads reading the paper or watcing TV. Thank you for making me laugh so hard and I will follow your column hoping for more.
Serendippp
Mar 23, 2012 09:18pm
Red Indian is a typo for Radia-nt Barkha Two HP Dutt.
Naeemullah Shah
Mar 23, 2012 09:22pm
Rushdi (no body) is trying to take advantage of Imran's name to get more media space. Simpletons will follow these characters.
A B Jam
Mar 23, 2012 10:42pm
This is a very cheap and non sense article. What does he mean by mother-in-law thing in the opening sentence?? It is very foul language and insulting. Dawn please ask the writer to write something good and valuable for a change. I am sure people who have given comments in favour of the article are friends of him.
Kdspirited
Mar 23, 2012 10:58pm
I think this article should be part of the movie kabhi rushdi kabhi dumb.
Abid
Mar 23, 2012 11:32pm
I am not usually person to write comments.this article looked fakely intellectual and artificially made humourous probably by an ignorant writer.as said earlier I donot write comments but this publicity stunt like article compeeled me to do so.I have researched rushdie life after this article and found that he was muslim born and his contravercial novel was published in 1988 probably after meeting with Imran Khan.If writer would have done some researcb before writing it would have great.Person like writer usually are product of inferiority complex.writing any thing in english doesnot make any body more intellectual.About imran khan,I am not a member of his party.I know one thing there might be player or politician better than him,but not any body specially from pakistan has earned respect , fame and love from all over the world(even from non cricket playing nation).during his youth he was glamorous which eveybody wish but not dishonest.allah can hadiayat to any body at any stage.i like him because he is well determined and struugle what he belief in.meeting is not a big deal especially when it was in some body else place and before rushdie got khustakhi rasool(berfore 1988).we being liviing in west and eat with every religion.this article is fakely made humorous by writing milk bar rather than bar.will wait for writer reply.thanks dr abid UK
KB
Mar 23, 2012 11:33pm
simply a disgrace for newspaper like dawn to post his so called hilarious articles .
Nate Gupta
Mar 24, 2012 12:09am
Nadeem ji, I have no idea how you can see humorous side in seemingly dry and potentially explosive situations. Absolutely brilliant work, sir. PS. Satanic Reverses has been banned in India as it was found to be hurtful to the sentiments of our batsmen :D
xainab
Mar 24, 2012 12:22am
NFP could not create any humour. It was rather a cheap production.
QB
Mar 24, 2012 03:10am
NFP tries to write political satire, but the underlying message is usually Imran bashing and making fun of anything that is close to orthodox Islam. It will be nice if NFP declares himself as comedy writer because the writing a satire should serve a good purpose.
El Cid
Mar 24, 2012 03:44am
But add a couple of horns and he looks like the Devil; as is he looks satanic...his real alter-ego!
Ahmad KN
Mar 24, 2012 03:42am
NFP - There is a circus in the town. Clowns are everywhere.Ever thought of bringing PPP & MQM in firing line ?
HUssain
Mar 24, 2012 10:55am
I am really shocked to see this news article in dawn. Do we need to promote such a character who is according to our belief deserves the most painful punishment. Dawn management should take necessary necessary steps to avoid such articles in future.
zahra
Mar 24, 2012 06:41pm
My 8 month old daughter can do a better job than this. Rushdi has found his match.
Kamran Bangash
Mar 25, 2012 03:21pm
Cooool. Really cool. Also though provoking.
Salma Afridi
Mar 25, 2012 03:44pm
Great article! Satire to me is one of the best way of describing the madness around on us. Thanks for speaking out!
shahzad
Mar 25, 2012 08:32pm
Haven't seen anything like this . Making fun of Islam . Criticizing some one is very easy .
ahsan
Mar 26, 2012 01:21am
It seems the writer's targetted audience is "west born confused teenagers of Pakistani descent" (or our local "western mind eastern soul pata nahi kiay type"). The guy really needs to grow up.
rashid
Mar 26, 2012 04:15am
SImply genius ! 1 of the best satirists in the whole world ! keep it UP
Abbas from the US
Mar 26, 2012 11:42pm
NFP, Amazing way of looking at celeberities, politicians, witers, even world reknown authors like Rushie. Imran has chosen the wrong people to be associated with in his ambitions to power. This current lot of Difa e Pakistan extremists will be Imran's final failure.
sja
Mar 27, 2012 11:40pm
" Salman Rushdie to write book on Imran Khan " so speculates NFP, books take a long time to come, you should go ahead and sketch out the hairy tales of "Croudy" Immy the Saviour of Pakistan with a lot of Tsunami.
Joel
Apr 06, 2012 09:15am
Well said, Al-Cid!
_Jamal_
May 05, 2012 12:34pm
I thought Dawn had an anti-religion posture, but when it comes to anyone threatening PPP rulership of the country anything goes, a shameful piece.
Shahji
Jul 07, 2012 05:48am
Bravo NFP, keep it up !