-Photo Illusration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

Pakistan’s ambassador to Papua New Guinea, Mr. Husain Luckani has been accused by a Papua New Guinean columnist and businessman, Mr. Manzooro Otto Otanga, of giving him a secret memo and asking him to deliver it to the chief of the Papua New Guinean Navy, Admiral Tropico Melon.

Manzooro Otto Otanga claims that the memo had pleaded that Admiral Melon put pressure on the Pakistan army, its intelligence agency, the ISI, and on Mr. Luckani’s mother-in-law because these forces were planning to undermine and maybe even topple the country’s current civilian government of President Ghadari.

After Manzooro leaked the memo incident while writing for Papua New Guinea’s leading newspaper, Coconut Times, ISI chief, General Basha traveled to Papua New Guinea and asked Manzooro to provide him with the evidence required to implicate Luckani in a case of treason.

Manzooro, who, ironically, has been writing against the Pakistan army and the ISI for the past many years, obliged General Basha and handed him the photocopy of the memo (originally written on a dried mango tree leaf). He also provided Basha the text messages he exchanged with Luckani written on the empty packs of Ben & Jerry’s blackberry flavored frozen yogurt.

On his return to Pakistan, Basha and Pakistan army chief, General Pervez Fellini, advised President Ghadari to summon Luckani to Islamistabad for an inquiry. Ghadari at once asked Luckani to reach Islamistabad and explain his role in what the media is now calling the ‘Mangogate.’

Meanwhile, the head of the Pakistan Muslim Geek (Naraz Group) [PMG-N], Mian Naraz Sharif, demanded that a thorough inquiry be ordered by the government so the truth behind the Mangogate affair can be known.

He added that he is shocked that Pakistan’s intelligence agency was being maligned in this manner by the government. He said this while throwing darts at a picture of General Basha on the dartboard hanging in PMG-N’s lavish gaming room.

Interestingly, one of the first politicians to unearth the story was the chief of Pakistan Tehreek-i-Maswaq (PTM), Mr. Dimran Can’t. This has now landed him in hot (but bubbly) waters with the media.

Accused by the PMC-N and some media monsters, I mean, men, of being backed and propped-up by the country’s military establishment, Mr. Can’t is being asked how he managed to know about the scandal long before anybody else did, apart from, of course, ISI chief General Basha.

Many analysts believe that Mr. Can’t has become an unwitting mouthpiece of the establishment. Perturbed by the accusations, Mr. Can’t at once asked Shahzad Roy and the Strings to compose a pop song in his defense.

Inspired as well as offended by the Beyghairat Brigade’s treacherous song, ‘Aalu Andey,’ Roy and Strings produced two songs, one called ‘Bhindi Gobi’ and the other ‘Channa Palao’ in which they poke fun at those who are suspecting Mr. Can’t’s actions and working for the status quo to stop PTM’s revolutionary tsunami of McDonald’s burger patties and streams of branded sunscreen lotion.

One song is sponsored by Telenor’s youth brand, deadjuice, while the other is being sponsored by rock-star-turned-bald-crusader-against-the-illuminati-and-the Knights of IKEA Furniture, Ali Icke’s favorite telecom company, MobiTindlink.

On reaching Islamistabad, Mr. Luckani told pressmen that he was innocent because first of all the memo contained nothing more than a recipe of pineapple mesala that he was working on and wanted to share with Admiral Melon. He said he only asked Manzooro to give this memo to Melon but before he could do that his dog ate his memo.

When asked why were Manzooro and Melon saying that they received the memo/recipe, Mr. Luckani said that Manzooro was jealous of his culinary skills and thus wrote a bogus recipe to impress Melon.

Mr. Luckani also claimed that the whole Mangogate saga was a plot to disgrace him. When asked who was behind the plot, Mr. Luckani named Zubaida Apa, the author of the famous Dalda Cook Book.

‘She too wanted to get her hands on the secret pineapple mesala recipe,’ Mr. Luckani explained. He added that once he refused to share it with her, she, in cahoots with Manzooro and ISI’s head chef, Major Sabri Nihari, conspired to oust him through this bogus scandal.

Mr. Luckani also informed that his dog, Fluffy, had also travelled with him to Islamistabad but had suddenly gone missing from the plane once the aircraft entered Pakistani airspace.

‘They knew that Fluffy could be used to rubbish their accusations,’ Luckani said.

He added that not only did his dog eat the memo, he (the dog) knew what the memo was about (i.e. pineapple mesala). ‘I got him here so he could vouch for that. But they’ve kidnapped him!’

A journalist asked how could a dog that can only say ‘woof’ vouch for what Luckani was claiming. To this Mr. Luckani said Fluffy was fluent in woofing in both Urdu and English albeit with a slight American accent.

After Mr. Luckani’s brief talk, we at Dawn.Commie, contacted Mr. Manzooro (by cell phone). Bellow is the brief interview we managed to conduct with the controversial Pakistani Papua New Guinea citizen and businessman:

Hello, is this Mr. Manzooro?

Yes, speaking.

Mr. Manzooro, we are talking from the Pakistani website, Dawn.Commie, and wanted to ask you a few questions on Mangogate.

Yes, speaking.

Errm ... okay. Mr. Mazooro, Mr. Luckani says that the memo was actually a recipe for a dish called pineapple mesala. And that you wanted to steal it, but after failing to do that you wrote a bogus memo in Mr. Luckani’s name.

Yes, speaking.

Yes, we know you’re speaking, sir, but what do you have to say about what we just said?

I am very wealthy, y’know.

That’s good to know, sir.

And very good looking too.

If you insist.

I do! I am wealthy and good looking and have contacts with some of the most powerful men in the coconut business. I’m da man! Here, check my biceps.

Sir, what has all this got to do with Mangogate?

What do you think of my moustache?

Well ... I’ve seen your picture, so at least in that picture the mustache looked kind of thin.

What has that got to do with Mangogate?

Errm ... nothing. I was just answering your question.

But I’m the one being interviewed, right? I should be answering all the questions!

Of course. So, Mr. Manzooro, tell us ...

Yes, speaking.

Yes, we know. Good. So tell us what do you have to say about Mr. Luckani’s counter accusations regarding the memo that he says was actually a harmless recipe that his dog ate?

Who’s Luckani?

The guy you are accusing of writing a damaging anti-Pakistan-army memo to Admiral Melon.

Melon is a good friend of mine. He has a dog too. In fact, I often take the dog out for walks.

And?

And it’s a Russian Samoyed. Very cuddly, fellow.

What about Luckani’s dog?

He has a dog too?

Yes. It was supposedly kidnapped once his plane entered Pakistani airspace.

Really?

Yes.

Is Pakistan a country?

What? Yes, it’s a country. Your ancestors were from this region as well.

My ancestors were related to George Washington and Henry Ford, my friend. Luckani is from Pakistan!

So you do know Luckani then?

I know his dog. Took him out for a walk a couple of times.

So did the dog eat the memo?

If so, then the memo would have been in his tummy, right?

Right.

(Woof!)

Was that a dog?

Yes, speaking.

No, I mean, that sounded like a dog.

Errm … yes. Has a slight American accent. Do you listen to FM89?

So YOU kidnapped Luckani’s dog?

I wasn’t alone.

Who else is involved?

Err … Paris Hilton?

You wish. How about Zubaida Apa and Major Sabri Nihari?

They’re true patriots!

And Mr. Luckani isn’t?

Who’s Luckani?

Jesus!

Yes, speaking.

 

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

Updated Nov 22, 2011 05:15pm

More From This Section

Pakistani balls!

Pakistan's frailties with the bat meant that it had to always conjure up some magic with the ball.

A eulogy for 2,100 bustards

It may make some proud to kill nearly 2% of the population of an endangered species. Others, like me, find it appalling.

Comments (41) (Closed)


ABBAs kd
Nov 22, 2011 04:10pm
Thank you so much Nadeem & Dawn, for making us, the stressed out people in the West, laugh for few minutes. On the other hand I really feel so sorry for that nation. I am not sure how much of their time these Pakistani leaders are spending to take care of the current problems & future planning for that nation ? Health care, education, social welfare, power shortage , economy, railway problems, corruption, nothing seems to deserve their time or attention at all but instead which political party gets how many Mknisters or which political party has quit the government or which political party is back in the government or which politician can bring more people in to their rally, seems to be all these Pakistani politicians are doing all the time while poor public is living literally in the dark even in this day & age and the educated youth leaving that county for better life else where in the West, does not seems to concern anyone down there. Vancouver Canada
Hameed Shaikh
Nov 22, 2011 04:25pm
'Islamistabad!' LOL! Loved evry bit of it, NFP. You are not of this world. :)
Rehan
Nov 22, 2011 04:27pm
I enjoy NFP's articles : It is fun to scroll down real quick and try to catch a single word that would make sense ..so far I have spectacularly failed !!! :-D
Parus
Nov 22, 2011 04:28pm
Marvelous satire :D rolf
Salar Mainwand
Nov 22, 2011 04:40pm
I hear people saying that charges of treason should be brought against the one who wrote the memo. well, can someone please remind me that when did we last try any of the army generals who committed multiple acts of treason by subverting the constitution about which now everyone is so concerned. Hypocrisy. we need to rein in these military generals first, then we need to hold our politicians accountable. and then it will be a land worth living in.
Nasser
Nov 22, 2011 04:54pm
NFP's has his cake and eats it too. As usual, another example sharp, madcap satire by man. Kudos.
Bilal
Nov 22, 2011 04:56pm
NFP has a great knack of capturing the absurdities of politics and society in the most witty manner.
Nadir
Nov 22, 2011 05:32pm
LOL :) President ghadari. Keep it Up, a shade in the sun you are.
Sanity
Nov 22, 2011 06:54pm
Very nice. The best bit was about 'Mr. Dimran Can’t'
Zain
Nov 22, 2011 07:03pm
The Conversation is the awesomest thing Is Pakistan a country? What? Yes, it’s a country. Your ancestors were from this region as well.
raika45
Nov 22, 2011 07:08pm
Let me say Nadeem your satire whenever you write brings real smiles.Man you are good.The rest of your articles I am sorry to say I don't understand basically because I am not a Pakistani.But your satire as they say masha Allah.Keep up the good word.May your Allah keep his benevolent hand over you.
Adnan
Nov 22, 2011 07:27pm
Dear NFP, Only one Word... "Awesome"... Keep it up!!
husein
Nov 22, 2011 08:06pm
there are no problems in pakistan - the only problem in pakistan is "have five years to make hay while the sun shines" so accumulate and then exile and then after five more years come again and try luck.
JaHaaz
Nov 22, 2011 08:23pm
Woohoo! Now that's what they call Satire!! Glad to see you giving us what is required...not hardcore facts and blunders made in our history please!!!!
Babu
Nov 22, 2011 08:38pm
In these scandalous times laughter is the best medicine. Keep it up
Mustafa
Nov 22, 2011 09:11pm
Excellent article. The lesson here is NFP knows about memogate inside and out and can be credible witness in an investigation...............Ha Ha Ha.
Ahmed
Nov 22, 2011 09:25pm
HAHAHA! The moment i read President Ghadari i fell to the ground laughing! (TRUE STORY)
Ahsen tanoli
Nov 22, 2011 09:35pm
Nice one.....
Khalid
Nov 22, 2011 10:09pm
NFP, Where do you get such ideas? A wonderful and candid analysis indeed.
Sh
Nov 22, 2011 10:46pm
100% agreed
Aarshad
Nov 22, 2011 11:10pm
Maybe I'll sound awkward. But article seems to be something taken out of 4chan. Memefied.
sairah
Nov 23, 2011 12:09am
pakistan tehreek i miswaq..........hilarious!!!
Devendra
Nov 23, 2011 01:36am
NFP, You treat these people the way they desrved to be (treated)..... With disdain, irrelevance. Great job. Never Quit. Keep it up.
zia khan
Nov 23, 2011 01:54am
Very interesting and very impressive. There is something to laugh about in a murky situation.
Tariq
Nov 23, 2011 09:32am
People Like Hussain Haqqani is not worthy of any position to represent Pakistan. Haqqani and others like him are only loyal to their wishes and always changes sides. I am Glad he is finally Thrown out of the Ambassador Office and should be held accountable in the Court of Law.
Eraj
Nov 23, 2011 10:02am
Nice! Not generally a fan of NFP, but this was pretty funny! and to be honest, narrated the whole sad story in a far more lucid and entertaining way than the actual news :)
Haajra
Nov 23, 2011 10:40am
agreed 100% work overdone
SSM
Nov 23, 2011 10:42am
Brilliant article... wonderful... I never read original story but this explained me what actually going on.
Prudent Injeeli
Nov 23, 2011 02:38pm
Great job NFP. It reminds me of "Animal Farm" by George Orwell. So here we have the George Orwell of Pakistan. No doubt about it. NFP, live long and be prosperous. God bless. Dr. Prudent , A Pakistani in self exile
ZAFAR KHAN
Nov 23, 2011 03:05pm
You should be script writer for "hum sub umeed se hain".Please try your luck in this field.You will surpass every other comedian.You can even beat "Rangeela".Wish you best of luck.
Jayan
Nov 23, 2011 06:26pm
Very spectacular & humerous. NFP rocks.....Real picture of Memogate events with shrewd thinking
Iffat Saeed Chaudhry
Nov 23, 2011 06:54pm
we are living a very strange state of mind.... NFP.... u r doing wonderfull job... too tough and daring ... GoooD LuCk.. plz continue this ....
Junaid
Nov 23, 2011 07:33pm
You're pretty funny yourself, Zafar - but more in the mould of Zaid Hamid, Ali Azmat and, of course, our great hero, Imran Khan.
Yo
Nov 23, 2011 10:19pm
@Zafar Well said. And NFP should restrict himself only to comedies.
Shah1987
Nov 24, 2011 09:39am
I sense the hints of a contemporary banana republic simulator somewhere in the midst of this translation. I'll go and take a reality check to see if I'm in the right parallel universe.
ZAFAR KHAN
Nov 24, 2011 10:18am
It is harder to laugh at ones self then on others.Throw a stone to the sky and expect it falls on you.Be patient dude.
Mustafa Razavi
Nov 24, 2011 11:31am
And a Pakistani journalist Padeem Naracha made another crude attempt at humor.
pirah
Dec 02, 2011 11:44am
OMG.... NFP Rocks!!! ................... NFP you shud write a book ....... and go on an international stage ... your talent will be well appreciated there..........
R S JOHAR
Dec 05, 2011 11:22pm
A bold and laughable satire by NFP. Mango-gate episode is not yet over and as per breaking news on American NNN news channel, Fluffy was hijacked in mid-air by CFBIA and taken for interrogation in Fizneyland where he foxed his interrogators speaking three languages and then bit one of his American interrogator who has started speaking fluent Urdu. After suffering this major setback, the joint intelligence agency decided to hand over this wonder dog to its top scientists to unravel its mysterious powers.
mehmoona
Dec 06, 2011 02:59am
a good one there ! what i dont understand about the whole affair is that why the words, of a two bit business man who has no other attributes besides some easy sleazy money , are having so much impact and consequences on pakistani politics...what is the whole ruckus about ? is he a nobel laureate
Ghanchi Sahab
Dec 06, 2011 08:08pm
Well! hats off to NFP Laughter is the only thing that we need it This satire is too hilarious