—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

My name is Ug. Ug Lee American. And I am running for president. Of Pakistan, that is. My dear Pakistanis, you insist our bullying and meddling behavior in your country is a bad thing. On the contrary: Such intrusive behavior is wholly benign, and, if intensified, will ultimately bring Pakistan the stability and prosperity that have long eluded it.

Occupying President House shall enable us to institutionalise our domineering ways, and hasten Pakistan’s transition to a stable and developed democratic state. Stabilisation will be the initial goal.

Once ensconced in the presidential palace, I will mobilise our in-country assets – thousands of spies, hundreds of fighters representing the Blackwater beast incarnate, battalions of bearded Special Forces, scores of aid-workers-cum-CIA-operatives, dozens of pistol-toting diplomats, Ronald McDonald, Elmo, and cooperative locals such as Rani the Muppet – to unleash a devastating assault on the dark forces that terrorise Pakistan. We will first target the ruthless anti-state militants, in all their cross-dressing, Darth Vader-resembling glory.

I will then set in motion a battle royale between our proxy forces (Mossad, RAW, and Gary Faulkner the bounty hunter) and Pakistan’s (LeT, the Afghan Taliban, and the Haqqani network). Haqqani is particularly high-priority, so we shall reserve the right to call in our troops from Afghanistan to provide support.

With these groups pacified, we will act promptly to neutralise the sole remaining threat – loose nukes. We will seize Pakistan’s nuclear weapons, to ensure they don’t fall into the dangerous hands of the civilian government. The fact that we have not the foggiest idea of the nukes’ location shall not stop us from carrying out this most essential of tasks. With the security situation under control, I will turn to the next priority: economic development.

Currently, our average annual economic assistance to Pakistan generously provides the equivalent of USD 2.67 to every Pakistani – the cost, Mohsin Hamid helpfully informs us, of a six-inch Pizza Hut pizza in Lahore. To that end, I shall promulgate that the Edhi Foundation’s armada of ambulances be deputed to deliver one of these items to every Pakistani citizen annually. Pizza delivery causes infinitely fewer headaches than aid delivery, and Edhi ably serves the role of effective, dependable local partner.

To be sure, America is not naïve, and realises that Pakistanis cannot subsist on pizza. Alas, Pakistan’s agricultural sector is in shambles, ravaged by underinvestment, water shortages, and demand-side inefficiencies. To overcome these obstacles, I shall conjure up America’s meteorology-manipulating superpowers to generate an immense flood – one that irrigates millions of hectares of farmland, leading to fresh new produce and crops ready to be consumed, sold to local markets, exported, and, on only the rarest of occasions, left to rot in poorly climatised storage warehouses.

Stable and satiated, Pakistan’s remaining challenge will be job creation. As president, I will unveil an innovative new employment initiative that shall make the American Jobs Act back home seem downright Hooveresque by comparison. We will hire thousands – if not millions – of Pakistanis to massage the facial muscles of American diplomats and officials that have become chronically sore from incessantly uttering “Do more!” We will establish MOZs – massage opportunity zones – in newly pacified areas throughout Pakistan, enabling masseurs to hone their skills. We will grant these masseurs tariff-free access to the profitable American market, and especially Washington, DC, the chief bastion of sore-faced, “do more!”-squawking diplomats.

Pakistani masseurs in America will send home their large remittances – a particularly advantageous new revenue source for Pakistan given Islamabad’s recent decision to part ways with the IMF. In essence, the massage program will boost employment and strengthen the economy.

Granted, I must be elected prior to implementing this master plan. Happily, I have full confidence in my ability to emerge victorious; I have retained a dream team of campaign advisers boasting either deep operational leadership experience inside Pakistan (Erik Prince and the former-CIA-station-chiefs-who-cannot be named), or the dynastic bonafides that ensure political triumph in Pakistan (Caroline Kennedy, assorted Bushes, and various Kardashians).

I admit several folks have said to me, “Ug, why on earth are you doing this? Given bilateral tensions and sensitivities over affronts to sovereignty, why run for president of Pakistan? Wouldn’t that rub a bit of salt in the wounds?”

My response is always the same: “How else will we bring about the stable, prosperous, responsible Pakistani state sought by America, Pakistan, and the world on the whole?”

Nearly 50 years ago, President John F. Kennedy, speaking before a huge crowd in Berlin, famously proclaimed “Ich bin ein Berliner”. Today, speaking thousands of miles from Pakistan, holed up in an underground bunker at an undisclosed location somewhere in the deserts of Nevada, surrounded by exuberant, joystick-wielding young men eying live-feeds of unmanned drones, I declare to you all: “Pakistan Zindabad!”.  

Michael Kugelman is the program associate for South Asia at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars in Washington, DC. He can be reached at michael.kugelman@wilsoncenter.org

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


The author is the Senior Program Associate for South Asia at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars in Washington, DC. You can reach him at michael.kugelman@wilsoncenter.org


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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Comments (21) (Closed)


malik
Oct 03, 2011 12:09pm
Please dont say so. 99% of Pakistanis already believe in these conspiracy theories.
farhan
Oct 03, 2011 01:11pm
I like the satire. Good article
melody
Oct 03, 2011 02:02pm
Maybe that's because there is truth in so called conspiracy theories!
Ib
Oct 03, 2011 02:02pm
LOL...last nail in our coffin !
Syed Qaseem Ali
Oct 03, 2011 02:17pm
Good going bro. Carefully neutralized satire. :)
AAK
Oct 03, 2011 03:20pm
Very nicely put in a balanced way without any direct insults lobbed at anyone.
Striver
Oct 03, 2011 03:24pm
In parts HILARIOUS. You have my vote........1 genuine vote I am sure someone will create another 320,000 bogus ones to get you elected. Good Luck and yes, Pakistan Zindabad.
Mr. Chef
Oct 03, 2011 03:43pm
Ug Lee...i believe u won't need fair elections for that, wud you?
Aussie Pakistani
Oct 03, 2011 04:49pm
Good stuff.
Agha Ata
Oct 03, 2011 05:55pm
Shall we never have a normal president? :(
Mustafa
Oct 03, 2011 06:07pm
Dear Michael Kugelman, do not waste your time talking about America in a Pakistani Newspaper. The vast majority of Pakistanis hate America but would love to get a green card of America because they know well America is the best country in the world for better living conditions. They hate America as well as cannot stay without America. This hate and love affair will continue for a long time.
Forbidden Fruit
Oct 03, 2011 06:24pm
If that's your plan, I'd say Ug Lee for President! Time to pitch in and save Pakistan from the ravages of Pakistani governments.
Rajesh
Oct 03, 2011 07:18pm
Ug Lee seems to be a Chinese name - situation with China is also similar; just that you have not realized it
vkhan
Oct 03, 2011 10:47pm
Michael, the only thing here I must disagree on is the math..billions of dollars sent to pak does not equate to only $2.67 per person...where are you getting your figures? I did however get a big kick out of the article..I laughed aloud and so glad you put the piece together...now to translate it into urdu and pashto...
Hassan
Oct 04, 2011 12:37am
Nice try, but I disagree with the title! We would be more thrilled if someone announced "First Pakistani candidate for presidency". Most of the literate Pakistanis believe that all the past presidents (civilians or army) were "Americanized" before joining the office :)
Hassam
Oct 04, 2011 09:56am
What sheer brilliance! Bravo
thankusirg
Oct 04, 2011 10:58am
I only disagree with ur name. Should be "Pitch Lee"!
Watani
Oct 04, 2011 12:35pm
3 in 1.........lolx
FAHAD HADI
Oct 04, 2011 12:55pm
Good Read ... Hilarious Reply .... Sad but true connotations
Asad Azim Mirza
Oct 05, 2011 10:21am
hilarious.....!! Good one
doctor asif
Oct 05, 2011 01:36pm
probably you have find neil armstrong, who can take a small step of man but a giant leap of mankind ,