Dawn News

How gullible do the Americans think we are? Do they actually think that we Pakistanis would believe the lies they are spreading about Osama Bin Laden’s tragic murder and his demeaning burial at sea?

We are just too smart to be made a fool like this. There was no Osama in that compound in Abbottabad. The Americans killed a look-alike. The real Osama died of gall-bladder failure in a bush in Sudan in 2002. What’s more, his supposed wives that were captured from the Abbottabad compound too were look-alikes, and so were the children.

But it doesn’t stop here. We Pakistanis know that the news about Osama’s death from gall-bladder ailment in Sudan in 2002 is also suspect. That guy too was a look-alike. So, yes, it can safely be said that the guy they killed in Abbottabad in 2011 was actually a look-alike of the look-alike.

So when did Osama die if not in 2002 or 2011? According to a super famous journalist and TV anchor, Tipu Sultan, who interviewed Osama in an impoverished disco in Kandahar in 1998, Osama was actually dead at the time of the interview. He said that that the guy he talked to was actually a man called Abdul Al-Bakir Al-Shaikh Al-Qaedawallah, an expert Osama look-alike who told him (off the record) that Osama actually died in 1991 of malaria in the jungles of Congo.

Nevertheless, there is every likelihood that the Congo guy was a look-alike as well. So, in other words, the guy who the Americans claimed of killing in Abbottabad was really a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike. But if we really come to the truth and reality, things stop seeming so complicated. So what is this truth and reality? Simple. There never was an Osama. He was never born. It was all an American concoction.

The character of Osama bin Laden was first conceived by America’s fifteenth President James Buchannan in 1859 when, along with the Queen of England, he decided to begin a new crusade against Muslims. According to the well-known Muslim historian, Naseem Hijazi, the British monarchy had accused a man called Osama bin Laden for financing and instigating the 1857 Indian army mutiny against the British imperialists.

The Americans and the British then claimed to have suppressed the mutiny by killing Osama in a daring raid. He was claimed to have been hiding in the hookah lounge of the last Mughal king, Bahadur Shah Zafar. Zafar denied the accusations, saying no such man was seen on his radar.

The British exiled Zafar to Burma and destroyed the radar, saying there was no such thing as a radar. By the way, the guy the British claimed was Zafar was not exiled to Burma. He was only a look-alike. The real Zafar died of dengue fever in Guatemala where he had gone to raise an army against the British and to study tropical plants. Famous thinker and horticulturalist, Noam Chomsky, confirms this.

This concocted episode was rightly expunged from the history books by Muslim historians, until America brought the invisible Osama character back to life in the 1990s. They had originally planned to use him as a bogey to invade Canada, but changed their plans when they got jealous of all the amazing and unprecedented economic, cultural and military progress taking place in Afghanistan under the Taliban and Pakistan under a bunch of handsome military men.

Thus, not surprisingly, the 9/11 episode happened. We all know who was responsible. Not a single Jew died in that attack. Neither did any animists or pagans, nor any Hindus, Christians and Sikhs. The truth is, only Muslims died in that attack. The proof? Simple. Log on to YouTube and check out brilliant, award-winning documentaries, ‘Loose Nut’ and ‘The Drivels.’ Popcorn’s on the house.

The guy the western media showed praising the 9/11 attacks on video was not Osama. He was just some Arab skiing enthusiast telling (with gestures) his Afghan friends about his latest skiing trip in the Alps. There never was an Osama. Just like there is no Mulla Omar, no Taliban, no Al-Qaeda. They’re all American concoctions.

Furthermore, America never won the war against the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union’s breakup too was a concoction. Soviet Union is still alive and thriving. We don’t hear about it is because the Jewish controlled media has blocked all news about the Soviet Union. That is because the Afghan and Arab mujahideen that fought against it, liberated Afghanistan and conquered Soviet Union and turned it into a caliphate. That’s why America’s next target will be Vladimir Putin (real name Valeed Amir Butinov). So if one day you hear that Americans have assassinated Putin, don’t believe it. The real Putin died of kidney ailment in 1045 AD.

The President and Prime Minister of Pakistan should resign for making America make fools of Pakistanis. The army is not to be blamed. The radar that did not pick up American helicopters on May 2 was not a radar. It was a look-alike of the real thing that the Americans didn’t give us. Only the mighty Imran Khan hinted at this while picking his nose on TV the other day. It was a sign: ‘Dig deep, dear patriots. You have nothing to lose but your heads.’ Well said, Imran (real name Genghis), because after all, who needs heads when the knees can perform the same function.


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Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

He tweets @NadeemfParacha


The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


Comments (134) Closed



Dan
May 15, 2011 10:20am
Nice work ! I am sure if this is published in an urdu newspaper, it will be fodder for discussion for generations.
Bluejay
May 15, 2011 10:22am
Excellent !
Arfa Ahmed
May 15, 2011 10:24am
Very funny and illustrative. I wonder when we Pakistanis will start accepting realities, instead of concocting conspiracy fantasies...
Babur
May 15, 2011 10:38am
hilarious! It is time this country become normal. Why is it that we reject the notion of living in the modern times.
changaiz khan
May 15, 2011 10:50am
haha nice one
Ali
May 15, 2011 11:05am
Clearly sir there is no audience for your satire, I think its just not your thing!
Rakesh
May 15, 2011 11:07am
Oh Nadeem Bhai ! I am breathless !
shankar
May 15, 2011 11:08am
I think this satire will go above the head of the intended audience.
ZAIN ABRO
May 15, 2011 11:10am
great article...
Sam
May 15, 2011 11:18am
Brilliant, truly brilliant, although I suspected as much all along. Nevertheless, I credit you for revealing the truth before I did.
milan
May 15, 2011 11:28am
I just landed on your blog an year back, through dawn.com. And you have kept cheering me up since then. I also write and thanks for the continous inspiration and unyielding sarcasm.
pawan
May 15, 2011 11:38am
hillarious and insightful..
sahil from india
May 15, 2011 11:39am
excellent article! rightly depicts current pakistani mindset. i cant believe many pakistanis still say that there never was any osama! you are also spot on about the 'jewish controlled media'. i dont know where pakistanis get these ideas from?
Ved
May 15, 2011 11:52am
Sirji ... Tussi Great ho! Pracha bhai ... I am still holding my stomach ... haven't stopped laughing:) I wish all pakistanis can see the real meaning and intent behind this great satire.
jthikattil
May 15, 2011 12:00pm
NFP u r simply d best of pak columnists keep it up..... Just increase ur security to protect urself from lunatics
SS
May 15, 2011 12:04pm
simply hilarious, we need more of this becasue any serious discourse never makes any sense in the land.
Jp
May 15, 2011 12:24pm
Hats off to this brilliant article, although i hate the way you sometimes seem to incite hatred in the already polarized pakistan, but seriously i found this article well entertaining, i m speechless, lovely!
Javed
May 15, 2011 12:33pm
How on the earth you get such stuff published in countries top newspaper..Seriously!
Na'eem
May 15, 2011 12:43pm
Same old, same old. So boring!
Na'eem
May 15, 2011 12:44pm
Change the script plz.
Noyofth
May 15, 2011 12:47pm
hahahah..hiliarious..a true depiction of the Ghairath Brigade....hats off to you NFP
Apach
May 15, 2011 12:56pm
Haha I am your biggest fan! Never stop NFP! NEVER!
Sanjeev
May 15, 2011 12:57pm
I can understand what u r trying to say from your last two-three articls abouts pakistan denial of reality.And I can feel your anger.
Adeel
May 15, 2011 01:02pm
amazing amazing ammmmmmmazingggggggggggggg...NFP you are now officially my king of satire :D
shiva
May 15, 2011 01:04pm
I enjoyed my sunday. Pak lives in denial. It is looking for imaginary deamons. Not sure, how long religion glue would help Pak to remain as functional nation.
P N Eswaran
May 15, 2011 01:06pm
Just wonderful!!
Banaras
May 15, 2011 01:20pm
Trying too hard, NFP. I more often that not agree with your views but your writing has been really week of late.
Banaras
May 15, 2011 01:22pm
Somewhat mortified at misspelling 'weak' in a post criticising somebody else's writing. Oh well.
Hafza Majeed
May 15, 2011 01:22pm
You're a genius NFP ! :) very funny !
rk singh
May 15, 2011 01:25pm
One more gem from Nadeem. About Imran , it was xlent.
vijay
May 15, 2011 01:34pm
Brilliant! Nothing like satire to knock some sense into conspiracy theorists! Reminds me of the stand-up and straight faced comic, Stephen Wright: 'Burglars stole all my stuff from my apartment last night, and replaced everything with its exact replica':-) Vijay
Ruchi
May 15, 2011 01:35pm
Brilliant! Best piece of satire I have read in a long time.
Roger
May 15, 2011 01:35pm
Is it NFP writing or his look-alike?
Nasir H.
May 15, 2011 01:35pm
Absolutely brilliant satire once again, NFP. Keep on pegging.
Masd
May 15, 2011 01:37pm
Well...after half way of reading...I stopped, it is sheer waste of time.
Humf
May 15, 2011 01:44pm
brilliant ........!
sharma
May 15, 2011 01:56pm
Too intelligent for an average person. Its too indirect.
junaid
May 15, 2011 02:01pm
enjoyed reading
Bahram Baloch
May 15, 2011 02:04pm
Yawn, NFP, whats wrong? Boring!
Altaf Hussain, Mumba
May 15, 2011 02:07pm
Is it that bad, really?
apna
May 15, 2011 02:24pm
Well done NFP. You are getting better everyday.
Robo-warrior
May 15, 2011 02:27pm
Good one
Waqas
May 15, 2011 02:48pm
I like your columns, but this one is sub-par ;(
Mike
May 15, 2011 02:49pm
Nadeem, you're a genius! How in the world do you get the ideas to write such stuff? It's not just satire but has a hidden meaning when one reads between the lines! And that is plausible deniability by the Establishment!
Zafarov
May 15, 2011 02:50pm
@Javed It is hilarious satire. But it actually addresses one of if not the most serious ailments afflicting our society. That is to live in denial in a make-believe universe of self deception.
ravi
May 15, 2011 02:57pm
this guy is a genius......man please consider writing in international press and indian press you will have enough material here in india to kill a man by humour!!......ROFL! NADEEEEEEM OH MAN!
Irfan Husain
May 15, 2011 03:01pm
Good stuff!
ali
May 15, 2011 03:10pm
good job,we admire ur courage.
Amin
May 15, 2011 03:13pm
I would agree. This is so not funny, NFP losing his touch for the past few months ..comon NFP, you can do better
Alisa
May 15, 2011 03:15pm
Nadeem sahab...your satire tends to hit people in the wrong spot....and i can hear some people gasp with pain 'cos it hit them smack!...below the belt...haha keep writing one day the one's gasping will open their eyes to see who or what hit them so hard...NFP for president! long live....!
ALi
May 15, 2011 03:15pm
Nadeem, time to move on! You already have written a lot on this
Moin Khan
May 15, 2011 03:15pm
LOL hahhahahhahahaahahahaha :)
Rishu Sethi
May 15, 2011 03:17pm
Hahaha! Outrageously funny . Beats Zaid Hamid in the vividness of imagination.
Ridiculous
May 15, 2011 03:18pm
Javed, You need to be a follower of NFP to understand this one. You need to be fuming with anger at the illiteracy and hypocrisy with which these statements are being made, to the point of pulling your hair out.
Ruddrakishore
May 15, 2011 03:19pm
Well Done N.F.P. I have been a regular follower of your columns and may I say, your writings have inspired me the most. You are an inspiration to all of us. Well done and please keep them coming.
Salman Dasti
May 15, 2011 03:44pm
Its too excellent...Best Regards
Mir Mahmood
May 15, 2011 04:00pm
Pathetic article... Makes no sense
Alexander
May 15, 2011 04:00pm
Satire at its best.. NFP is the King! Pakistan has become a Nation of Conspiracy Theorists.
saad
May 15, 2011 04:03pm
NFP: You are brilliant bud keep it up! We better get our collective heads out of the sand or other dark extremities double quick or we are due for a good hiding (or something more unpleasant!)from the world we forgot we live in. Kapish!!
Imran
May 15, 2011 04:30pm
Absolute rubbish.
koshur
May 15, 2011 04:48pm
@ Javed - its called Humour. Dont be so stiff yaar...it was a funny piece by NFP !
Adam
May 15, 2011 04:53pm
Absolutely fantastic! A society that can poke fun at itself is destined for greatness. I hope more Pakistanis are open to such sarcasm. We Pakistanis own the words 'conspiracy theories'! As the writer put it himself on Twitter: To us Pakistanis everything other than our delusions is a lie!
Irfan Baloch
May 15, 2011 05:00pm
NFP, you are loosing your touch mate, how could you miss out Zoin Hamid? I have a feeling that this blog is written by an NFP look-alike
hamza
May 15, 2011 05:01pm
complete waste of time.....completely agree with javed
Ali
May 15, 2011 05:13pm
Hahahaha... brilliantly written once again...well done! Keep writing please.
Emmon Khan
May 15, 2011 05:15pm
Brilliant!
Kabeer Das
May 15, 2011 05:16pm
Seriously Mr. Javed, Are you surprised by the article or by the fact that it is published in a top newspaper? Why are you so surprised Mr. Javed? SERIOUSLY!
Syed Ali Raza Shah
May 15, 2011 05:32pm
A brilliantly crafted piece of satire! Well done!
G.A.
May 15, 2011 05:33pm
But what do you expect the people of Pakistan to do. The government itself keeps the people illiterate and in the dark and makes ambiguous statements. The U.S. Government takes it's people into confidence by first looking after their intersests and rescuing them in times of need. Question is: is it better to be sceptical and ask questions or be gullible fools who accept everything dished out by their governments as the yanks do?
Mohammad Fawad
May 15, 2011 05:33pm
you are so NOT funny.
bpshah
May 15, 2011 05:33pm
Absolutely fantastic......NFP, you are the best...
Syiem
May 15, 2011 05:34pm
What is wrong with that stuff??? NFP is actually one of the few sane voices in Pak media today.
Mehnaz
May 15, 2011 05:37pm
Brilliant!
Nadeem Ahmed
May 15, 2011 05:49pm
Excellent article. This is a perfect example, how Osama is talked and discussed in Pak media. In one article or talk show they call him a hero, an american agent, a terrorist, a shaheed, a true muslim, an invisible person, a fake one and in the end declare his non existance.
AKS
May 15, 2011 05:51pm
Seriously well written. NFP, the Voltaire of the Indian Subcontinent. Peerless.
Doc T
May 15, 2011 05:59pm
I agree!!!! Pakistan Zindabad.
Zakaria
May 15, 2011 06:00pm
Just amazing Nadeem. Loved it. You exactly said the Pakistani mind. Keep it up buddy.
Barryck R
May 15, 2011 06:03pm
Now this is the best article I read in 2011 so far... LMAO
Anwar
May 15, 2011 06:09pm
Writing humorous column is a serious business. Try reading some masters like Dave Barry, Sheila Moss and Tony Kornheiser before inflicting this tosh on your readers.
Roshanlal
May 15, 2011 06:10pm
One of the best articles I ever read!
taz
May 15, 2011 06:14pm
dont worry, its NFP, he gets these fits from time to time, part of the recovery process. he'll get better.
taz
May 15, 2011 06:16pm
now we know, what's being smoked in this smoker's corner. :)
Schuaeb
May 15, 2011 06:17pm
I claim my five minutes back.
Agha Ata (USA)
May 15, 2011 06:47pm
I read the whole article and concluded, this can't be Nadeem Paracha. It must be a look-alike.
M. Haris Khan
May 15, 2011 06:54pm
lol, i was thinking the same
Gulzar khan
May 15, 2011 06:55pm
Unfortunately from a milkman to some highly educated people think that Osama was not there but a look alike. We are a very gullible nation. We believe in myths. We believe in Peers. Some people say that Osama was a peer and Americans could never touch him. Our Ulama did not believe that man has landed on moon. They do not believe in stealth technology, they do not believe in HAARp, they do not believe in TESLA, when you tell them to study science and develop own weaponry they give you some magical forces who will go and destroy America.After some time Mulla omar may be found from some other corner, Aim al zawahiri from another corner. We are in thick soup. Richard headley is already poised to implicate ISI in Bambay episode. Let us pray that some sanity prevails.
Na'eem
May 15, 2011 02:00pm
Spare us plz. Same old most boring tripe.
Well_Wisher
May 15, 2011 07:08pm
:) As usual, a nice piece highlighting the 'denial syndrome' in Pakistan ... with every such incidence, it feels that Pakistan can not fall further in mess than this ... only till the next expose....
Kamal
May 15, 2011 07:09pm
A typical NFP piece. Am not surprised. A look alike of the look alike of NFP wrote this piece.
copyleft
May 15, 2011 07:12pm
I don't know whether to laugh or cry-or should I leave that to my look-alike(or is it my look-alike's look alike?) Heller would have been proud to write something like this.
bilal
May 15, 2011 07:19pm
behtareen reflection of our confused nation.
Danish
May 15, 2011 07:30pm
NFPs writing is getting increasingly monotonous
Omar Yousaf
May 15, 2011 07:49pm
i think NFP is simply pissed off at the state of denial...!
Pharaz
May 15, 2011 07:50pm
Hey Guys, You got to decipher the hidden message. And I am sure most of the erudites accessing DAWN are clever enough to do it. The rest of the comical fabrication is just a cherry over a cake to be eaten. So take it easy and let the man do his work... Greetings from Germany
J
May 15, 2011 08:12pm
;-)
Unar (bristol)
May 15, 2011 08:18pm
NFP brilliant like always, keep it up.
ABHIJIT
May 15, 2011 08:24pm
Simply the best!!! Why not u write same kind of thing on indian corrpution
Hindu Boy
May 15, 2011 08:29pm
Nadeem, you made my day brother :) You are a fantastic prolific writer. Our indian journalists must learn from you :) Keep firing :)
jafri
May 15, 2011 08:44pm
Brilliant comment, take over his column, you might do better!
Veena
May 15, 2011 09:27pm
Brilliant piece of satire.
shahzad
May 15, 2011 09:31pm
Fantastic !As usual you hit the Spot! All Pakistanis think that Osama wasn't there and that Americans are lying .And are fabricating stories. Pakistanis should ask there government what was Osama doing in there backyard? And demand some answers.
wajid
May 15, 2011 09:56pm
simply awesome... he knows how to put a sensitive issue in such humorous way... i have become his big time fan.
Sanghita
May 15, 2011 10:05pm
Ha.ha..You are simply too good.. hope you are not a look alikes :)
hn
May 15, 2011 10:19pm
Actually, NFP is not far from reality on this one. It sound funny because he puts it in such a frame. Just visit the forum and read how many people believe such stuff.
PKA
May 15, 2011 10:20pm
I share your views whole heartedly.
fazal
May 15, 2011 10:38pm
you can extract whatever like people do in abstract art but only god knows.you dont expect profoud message from superficial words
Michael (Norway)
May 15, 2011 10:55pm
excellent
Shujaat Ayub Khan
May 15, 2011 11:08pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...WELL DONE NADEEM AND KEEP IT UP.
aslam najef
May 15, 2011 11:27pm
Yes we all pakistanis look alike when we talk about osama look alike.May God help us.
Himanshu
May 16, 2011 12:16am
hehehe .., but i think he is NFP's look alike's look alike ..
Badar
May 16, 2011 12:17am
Excellent piece by NFP. Just brilliant. Loved his research. You are a world class columnist indeed. Keep it up
Shiraz
May 16, 2011 01:55am
we are living in a state of denial and NFP's sarcastic pen is driving us towards the reality. its not look alike of reality rather the reality itself.
Zahid
May 16, 2011 02:03am
Hi, NFP, I generally agree with your view points however, I must say, that the standard of your satire is in a state of gradual and rather steep decline. This piece and the last 2 in particular are examples of not comic but tragic attempts at satire. I wonder how any one can hold their attention beyond the first 2 paragraphs. We expect better of you. Keep up the good work.
Bilal Khan
May 16, 2011 02:50am
Very true reflection of our illiterate society .. Amazing as ever NFP
vikram
May 16, 2011 02:57am
Absolute intelligent writing NFP. Loved it. Sad we don't have any bloggers in india to describe the denial.
Abdul
May 16, 2011 08:08am
I like the message between the lines.
samar
May 16, 2011 08:20am
magical realism
Charminar
May 16, 2011 08:44am
That was Childish article.. We get the point..
Stinger
May 16, 2011 09:48am
Thank you for proving the other side's point as well: Every claim needs a proof.
Rohail Niaz
May 16, 2011 02:08pm
NFP just has to be the most interesting columnist out there. Keep going bro.
Zahid
May 16, 2011 05:22pm
Aga, I agree. This article = childishness par excellence
Assaam Sani
May 16, 2011 08:04pm
really really bad attempt at being sarcastic/funny. grow up please.
Srihari Prasad
May 17, 2011 11:16am
Good one again NFP. But have a query....is it so bad there? I always thought that only a Zaid Hamid is the creator/author of such stories....are there very many who believe such stuff that NFP has to hammer it out in a satire???
sunny
May 17, 2011 12:31pm
Hilarious!
saqi
May 17, 2011 03:54pm
this is a good angle of the story and even we have to listen more......
A
May 17, 2011 05:12pm
really loved it. *lol*
Sh
May 19, 2011 04:56pm
thums up NFP
The constant weader
May 19, 2011 10:44pm
Nice... But was it written by NFP's look-alike ghost-writer?
Hindian
May 25, 2011 03:05pm
NFP, love your incisive humor. Will you write such incisive piece about situation in India, especially the corruption? Wish there was a satirist of your caliber in Indian press.
Abdur Rehman
May 26, 2011 03:52am
Sir jee, tussi great ho. Please can some one give me NFP's email address
Sabika Najafi
May 26, 2011 12:01pm
Love it! :)
Omar Mughal
May 26, 2011 01:47pm
Amazing Article!!!
S Baig
May 26, 2011 04:15pm
Absolutely brilliant. Can’t believe some people do not find it hilarious, suffering from denial syndrome I guess??
junaid
May 26, 2011 09:28pm
amazinG