Dear Khala Jani,

I am a 23-year-old girl and third-year student of law. I am stuck in a very complicated situation. I am in a relationship with a guy who is 32 years old. I fell in love with him about two years ago. In the beginning it was all good but, later, he told me that he is already married and has three kids. He lives in the city and his family lives in the village.

I was shattered when he told me that he is already married. It just broke my heart. He claims that he still loves me and wants to marry me. He says he will keep me happy, but I am very possessive and don’t want to share him with anyone. We fight over this a lot and I always end up crying and feeling helpless. The point which I often raise with him is that either he should concentrate on his family and leave me, or we should get married. He often uses very abusive language and doesn’t care about my feelings. But still I tolerate everything.

Heartbroken

Dear Beti,  

Without sugarcoating, what you are having here is not a complicated situation — it is an affair with a married man. He carried on with you while hiding the fact that he is married. How do you know there aren’t other things that he is hiding? For instance, how do you know he doesn’t call his wife everyday to tell her that he loves her? How do you know whether things are as he says they are? Or is everything ‘fine’ between them emotionally and physically and you just don’t know it? If he hid his marriage from you, can you really trust him?

‘I am in love with a married man’

A decent woman or man will stand by the contract he or she has signed. And if the relationship isn’t working, he or she will move on from that. For a person like you, a polygamous marriage is not what you are looking for. Hence, for him to marry you, he has to first leave his wife and, from the sounds of it, that doesn’t look like it is happening. Remember, he is defending the status quo by saying that he will also keep you happy!

Since you are involved emotionally, breaking up won’t be easy, but that is exactly what you have to do. The process will begin with respecting yourself and prioritising your peace of mind. Being monogamous and in love with a married person is just not worth the heartache. Nothing and no one is worth this heartache, which has already started in your case.

Also, you may have feelings for him, but when you are thinking more clearly, you will realise that he is a cheat. He lied to you, got emotionally involved with you and here we are. How do you know he won’t do the same with some other girl if the two of you get married?

If you really want to break free of this situation, you will need to take active steps to disengage from this man. First of all, respect his marriage and move away. Next, block this man. Don’t meet him, don’t speak to him and do not communicate with him through any medium. That means block him on your phone and all social media. You respect yourself and want to be the only woman in your husband’s life. You aren’t getting it here. This man is abusive and wants things only his way. Actively set out to shield yourself from him and totally distract yourself. Make new friends, level up your social life, find a job or a hobby that excites you and throw yourself into it. It may seem ruthless, but you have to be callous about saving your sanity.

That niggling feeling you are getting that is preventing you from marrying this man is actually there to save you from a disaster. Pay heed, respect yourself and stay miles away from this man.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 19th, 2020