Hi Auntie Ji,
I am a 19-year-old medical student, mentally stable but a bit confused. I have a really insecure friend who is constantly into her looks, selfies and her image among boys and girls. In the beginning, she did everything she could to become popular such as joining societies, developing interactions and becoming the girls’ representative. She idealises girls who have male friends and she is also in contact with almost all the boys of the batch and some from the other batches. She is a very good friend of mine and, by and large, a conscientious person. The thing I want to talk about is that boys from the university are always trying to approach her on social media. I mean, she is always getting attention (she is still insecure but that’s another thing). However, I don’t understand why I can’t get that kind of attention as I am equally pretty, tall and attractive. She is into things like masks, facials and going to the parlour every two weeks to look pretty and she is still uncertain about whether she is pretty or not.

I want to mention here that I don’t long for guy friends or something; neither do I share pictures to seek attention. I have everything on private on my social media but the thing is that I want to say no to that attention that actually comes to me, not to that which I never get. I don’t want to have sour grapes.

Dear Niece,
Are you sure you are really friends with this girl? You say she is insecure but, based on what you are telling me, she sounds like someone who is very confident and who likes people. She jumped into college life and went out and made a host of friends. Sounds like a very happy and confident person to me.

‘Why is my friend getting all the attention’

For now, let’s not talk about getting attention from boys. Instead let’s talk about general likeability. If someone is not comfortable with who they are, no matter how pretty or how tall or how qualified, people can tell that the person is not sure about who he or she is. Not being comfortable in your own skin can make a person seem forbidding and aloof.

See, it isn’t always easy for people to approach that person and make friends. And so, people usually approach those who they feel would be open to talking to them. Traditionally in Pakistan, boys and girls are discouraged from meeting too much. In many families, girls are generally protected and brought up to avoid too much interaction with people who are not family. Men in our society instinctively know this. In such an environment, people are usually extremely hesitant to approach women and girls, because they are unsure about the reaction they will get. Will they be welcomed or will they be told off? And so if a girl comes along who is friendly and open to talking to them, is it any surprise that she attracts a lot of attention? Based on your letter, Auntie thinks this is the reason for your friend’s popularity. Add to it, the fact that your friend is attractive really adds to her popularity.

Becoming popular takes work. It goes beyond going to the parlour and getting the latest facial. Think about it: you see two people, both equally attractive, but one is happy to see you and wants to hear what you have to say. The other is really good looking too, but closed off, not easy to talk to, doesn’t smile when you approach him or her and talks in brief sentences. Who would you want to see again? Who would you follow on social media?

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 10th, 2019