Adviser Auntie,
I am a 26-year-old unemployed graduate engineer. I have been preparing for my CSS examinations since last year. These days I am going through a complicated situation. I belong to an endogamous family, and have been informally engaged to my cousin. She is three years older than me and employed in a semi-government organisation.

However, even though we have been in a relationship since 2017, I find a gulf of differences between our thoughts and ideas. It is probably because of the age difference or maybe because she is academically less qualified than me. I am sceptical about continuing my relationship and that the mental gap can be bridged. Should I end my so-called engagement? I have no doubts that ending my engagement will amount to revolting against my family’s customs and traditions.
Disengaged

Dear Engaged
Your family sounds fairly traditional and conservative, so this answer will be based on that assumption. If you have grown up in such a family, it will most likely take a lot of strength on your part to revolt against family customs and traditions and break new ground.

‘I want to break my engagement but it would be considered a revolt against family’

If cousin marriage is the norm in your family, then you already know that breaking your engagement is not going to be easy. At the same time, marriage is a big commitment. It changes your life and, usually, it is for life. If mental compatibility in a marriage is important to you (it isn’t for some people) then you have a problem.   

You could try talking to your cousin-fiancée about this. If the two of you have not been getting along, then it is very likely that she is also not too happy with this match. Both of you might mutually agree to end the arrangement. However, it is the next step that is the more difficult one: telling the family.

In very traditional set-ups, decisions are not taken based on what’s right or wrong for the couple. They are often taken based on how the choice or action will be perceived by the extended family and the clan. In which case, even if your parents agree with you in principle, they may feel powerless when it comes to taking the decision because of family pressure. They can feel emotional pressure from others and also guilt over ‘abandoning’ the family.

If you decide to break this engagement off, be ready to be labelled the ‘bad guy’ and considered a pariah. If you can develop a thick skin and can handle being ostracised or labelled, that’s half the battle. 

In such a scenario, trying to talk rationally to family members is not likely to work. If you decide to break this engagement off, be ready to be labelled the ‘bad guy’ and considered a pariah. If you can develop a thick skin and can handle being ostracised or labelled, that’s half the battle. If you can find allies from within the family or even friends, it could strengthen your case and make the conflict less lonely. At the end of the day, if you decide to take this path, it will be a test of your mental strength more than anything else.

In any case, the law of the land gives you the right to marry of your own choice. But the reality on the ground is that ‘traditions’, such as forced marriages, often subvert that right. Before people start ranting at me through email, let me clarify that I am not speaking against all traditions; just against traditions that violate a person’s basic human rights. In your case, your family/cultural tradition goes against your right to marry whoever you want.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 18th, 2019