Dear Fellows,
As you know, it is my duty to protect you from every unsavoury element that poses a danger to our glorious republic. In these perilous times, where fifth generation warfare is as common as selected rightwing populist governments, one is forced to be on one’s beautifully pedicured toes so that one can keep an eye out for shape-shifting enemies of all hues. 

You will be pleased to know that the establishment of our beloved motherland has identified certain subversive international documents that can be used as propaganda to misguide our innocent citizens. You had been warned about one of these a year or so ago in these very pages. Despite our best efforts, we’ve noticed that some sections from that document are still doing the rounds on social media, shared, no doubt, by our enemies. We’ve also found another incendiary piece — titled the United Nation’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights — spreading unrealistic, vile notions that can give our populace, especially the youth, wrong ideas about the so-called rights of a citizen.

Consider (and be wary of) this seditious nonsense taken from this document:

Some cautionary advice to all true Cliftonians to not be misled by propaganda from the enemies of the glorious state of Cliftonia

Article 5: No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

Article 9: No one shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest, detention or exile.

Article 10: Everyone is entitled in full equality to a fair and public hearing by an independent and impartial tribunal, in the determination of his rights and obligations and of any criminal charge against him.

For the love of all that is benevolently dictatorial, who on earth can establish peace, love and harmony on earth when burdened with this sort of hogwash! Do these pseudo-whatsits have no clue as to what it takes to run a country? 

And, as if this weren’t bad enough, some parts of our neighbouring country Pakistan’s constitution are also being shared via Whatsapp groups by our adversaries. Please beware, especially, of the following:

Article 4 — Right of individuals to be dealt with in accordance with law, etc.

(1) To enjoy the protection of law and to be treated in accordance with law is the inalienable right of every citizen, wherever he may be, and of every other person for the time being within Pakistan.

Inalienable? Seriously? And then there’s this:

Article 9 — Security of person.

No person shall be deprived of life or liberty, save in accordance with the law.

Article 10 — Safeguards as to arrest and detention

(1) No person who is arrested shall be detained in custody without being informed, as soon as may be, of the grounds for such arrest, nor shall he be denied the right to consult and be defended by a legal practitioner of his choice.

(2) Every person who is arrested and detained in custody shall be produced before a magistrate within a period of 24 hours of such arrest, excluding the time necessary for the journey from the place of arrest to the court of the nearest magistrate, and no such person shall be detained in custody beyond the said period without the authority of a magistrate.

Article 14 — Inviolability of dignity of man, etc.

(1) The dignity of man and, subject to law, the privacy of home, shall be inviolable.

(2) No person shall be subjected to torture for the purpose of extracting evidence.

Article 25 — Equality of citizens

(1) All citizens are equal before the law and are entitled to equal protection of law.

Article 36 — Protection of minorities.

The State shall safeguard the legitimate rights and interests of minorities, including their due representation in the federal and provincial services.

And to top it all, they’re circulating the oath of office the members of that country’s magnificent armed forces have to take. 

Article 244 — Oath of Armed Forces.

Every member of the Armed Forces shall make oath in the form set out in the Third Schedule.

Third Schedule — Oaths of Office

Members Of The Armed Forces

(Article 244)

(In the name of Allah, the most Beneficent, the most Merciful.)

I, ____________, do solemnly swear that I will bear true faith and allegiance to Pakistan and uphold the Constitution of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan which embodies the will of the people, that I will not engage myself in any political activities whatsoever and that I will honestly and faithfully serve Pakistan in the Pakistan Army (or Navy or Air Force) as required by and under the law.

May Allah Almighty help and guide me (A’meen).

Now, what kind of message is that sending out to our young Cliftonian officers? Can you imagine the impact this can have on their morale?

So, my babydoll fellows… let us pledge to stand united against conspiracies targeted at our beloved republic and reject all such notifications forthwith! A’meen.

Patriotically yours,
Gen G.H.Q.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 21st, 2019