Dear Auntie Agni,
I’m a 16-year-old girl. There’s plenty of time before I get married, but I’m really scared of marriages, especially where your partner is abusive. Though my parents are a happy couple, their relationship is sometimes extremely toxic. I have never been good with commitments. In addition, I’ve seen so many couples split up after years of living together. Nearly every single couple I see fights a lot and physical abuse is common. I hate violence, it makes me feel physically sick. All this has really messed up my head and I don’t know what to do. Someday, if I get married, I don’t want to be abused, or be the toxic person in a relationship, or walk out on my man. How can I stop being scared and what should I do if I find myself in a toxic or abusive relationship?
Scared-hopeless-teen

It’s good that, even at this young age, you are observing other people’s marriages and forming ideas about what you want and what you don’t want in your life. Actually it is not marriage that scares you. It is the possibility of conflict within your marriage that scares you. Let’s get one thing straight, even though you sound like you are surrounded by toxic relationships, marriage in itself does not cause conflict. You can have conflict in any relationship and some conflict in a relationship is not a bad thing. In fact, it is healthy.

One of the main differences between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship lies in how conflict is handled. When conflict arises in a healthy relationship, partners may criticise each other and even say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. However, later they are likely to feel sorry for what they said or did and they talk about it. They also make a genuine effort to improve the situation and/or the relationship.

‘I am afraid of conflict in marriage’

So conflict in itself does not mean the end of a relationship. Think of other relationships that you have, such as that with your parents, siblings and friends. You must have ended up disagreeing, if not outright fighting, with these people at some point in time. It didn’t mean your relationship with your parent, or your siblings or your friend was over. It just means that you had issues that needed ironing out.

The people who you see stuck in seemingly bad marriages are probably not handling their conflicts properly. They may not be communicating and are possibly letting small issues fester. When you do that, you let the issue become bigger and, many times, that is how people end up in a toxic situation. The result is that they end up fighting a lot or stop talking to each other for long stretches.

The bottom line is that you cannot avoid conflict by avoiding marriage. Conflict is an inevitable part of life. You can, however, change how you view conflict. Instead of getting overwhelmed by it and seeing it as the end of the world or the end of a relationship, think of it as an obstacle to which you have to find a solution for and get through as a couple. Change your thinking and look for others who think like you. Hopefully, you will marry someone who too thinks the same way as you do.

Also, hopefully you will be much older by the time you do get married, so try and get to know your potential spouse as well as you can before you tie the knot. While living with someone is a different ball game altogether, getting to know your future spouse before you marry him or her is better than not knowing them at all.

As for conflict, realistically speaking, the only way you can avoid disagreements is if you spend the rest of your days hiding away in a cave. The minute you step out and meet others, one form of conflict or the other is likely to arise. So accept this as part and parcel of navigating this world.

At the same time, let’s be rational and remember that divorce exists for a reason. Some couples have truly irreconcilable differences and would be better off if they part ways.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 21st, 2019