[Scene: A large personal gym in a hacienda atop a hill. Through the French windows on the west side of the room, we see the silhouette of a helicopter. National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr sits astride a Nautilus bench trying to untie his shoelaces. His acolyte, Jimmy Jirga, sits amidst an assortment of dumbbells scattered on the floor. Jirga is busy browsing his Twitter feed.]

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: I love working out. Even when I’m not working out, I’m working out. That’s how much I love working out. You know, I would have made a great Minister of Sports and Extra-Curricular Activities. But destiny had so much more in store for me. 

Jimmy Jirga: Indeed, my leader. For us, you’ve always been destiny’s child. You’re a survivor. (He starts singing) ‘Wishin’ you the best, pray that you are blessed, much success, no stress and lots of happiness, I’m not gon’ blast you on the radio, I’m not gon’ lie on you and your family, oh, I’m not gon’ hate on you in the magazines…’

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr ‘works out’ the root of all evil that plagues his land

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: What the hell are you going on about?

Jimmy Jirga: Nothing, sir.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: Listen, Jimmy, you go crazy on me like that and I’ll kick you off my team before you can say my name, say my name! You understand?

Jimmy Jirga: Yes, sir.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: Sometimes I seriously wonder how you run that family business of yours… maybe I should talk

to your father and take over as CEO of Jirga Fertilisers.

Jimmy Jirga: No, sir, please don’t. As you said, you’re destined for far bigger things than being a mere CEO. 

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: That’s true. I’m much too busy running the affairs of the republic. I need to untangle the mess I’ve been handed by the traitors who’ve ruined our beloved Cliftonia. But first I need to untangle these blasted shoe laces!

Jimmy Jirga: Allow me to help, dear leader.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: No, no … I’m old enough to handle this on my own now. You concentrate on the tasks I’ve assigned you. Tell me, any news from Gen GHQ on my proposal?

Jimmy Jirga: Ermm … yes sir.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: And what did he say?

Jimmy Jirga: Sir, the general believes that even though he would be honoured to have you lead him and his men, you issuing orders to the Cliftonian Armed Forces as a civilian and expecting those orders to be obeyed would not be possible because of certain immutable, sacrosanct traditions. Also, the general concurs with me when he says that the universe has created you for far bigger things.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: Very well. For me, the general’s views are paramount for he is a man of great wisdom, ammunition and unaccountability. Also, he knows how to untie his shoelaces. What kind of ridiculous shoes are these, for God’s sake!

Jimmy Jirga: Truly ridiculous shoes, sir.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: Oh, what a tangled web these bloody shoelaces weave! This is preposterous! Who invented shoelaces? You know why leaders in the West don’t ever face such problems, Jimmy? I’ll tell you why. Because the West is one big social welfare state and governments there take care of everyone’s shoes. Now that is true democracy. Not like the status quo sham we have here.

Jimmy Jirga: As always, you’ve hit the nail on the head, dear leader.

For me, the general’s views are paramount for he is a man of great wisdom, ammunition and unaccountability. Also, he knows how to untie his shoelaces.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr: Aaargh! It’s impossible to untie these! I’ve never felt this frustrated… this is worse than trying to organise intra-party elections. 

[He tries to take the shoes off without untying the laces but they seem stuck. He brings his right foot close to his mouth and unsuccessfully tries to untie the laces with his teeth … in the attempt, he falls off the bench onto the floor.

Lying on his back, he exclaims] Eureka! It’s so obvious what the problem is … Now I see it! Do you see it? Do you see it, Jimmy? My ability to handle these laces is not the issue. The real issue is the quality of these shoelaces which are too thin for my glorious fingers. And you know what causes thinness in shoelaces, Jimmy? Do you? Do you? That’s right. Corruption! That evil monster’s reared its ugly head again. I’m going to hang the corrupt owner along with every single employee of this damn shoe company, Jimmy! Every one of them! You know me, Jimmy, I never go back on my word. 

[Standing up, he says] Get the super fuel-efficient, light-speed chopper ready. Let’s fly back to the office and get rid of some corrupts … Scandinavia, here we come!

[Curtain].

Farid Alvie was born.
He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 9th, 2018