Dear Auntie,
This is the second time I am writing to you, perhaps after a gap of two years. I am an engineer. My problem is that my wife secretly checks my mobile phone then expects me to give explanations. She even called my female colleagues and told one of my friends’ wife who works with me that I am a flirtatious guy in an attempt to intimidate me by targeting my reputation at my workplace. Any photograph with me sitting on a table with females in the professional environment will spark a bout of arguments. Once her parents barged into our house and hurled abuses at my family for no apparent reason — an attempt to control me, I believe. I stayed firm and they returned apologetic.

I felt suffocated and at times hated myself for compromising for the sake of my two-year-old kid and parents (you know parents’ desire for a happy marital life for their son). My career suffered, and I was under severe mental and emotional stress trying hard to keep my composure.

My wife is a doctor and my family and I have given her full liberty to follow her career. She is free from all sorts of household responsibilities; she has a maid and other family members help her out with our kid — her only responsibility in the house.

‘I can’t stand the toxic relationship I have with my wife’

Now I am in the US for higher studies on a scholarship. Ever since I got my visa, I have become the best husband and son-in-law on the face of the earth. I get romantic texts from my wife and she is always pushing me to sponsor her to the US.

The problem is that I am happier without her, but I don’t have the courage to tell her or my parents (because I don’t want to hurt them). She has all the luxuries living in my house and I send her pocket money or put aside savings for her. I always reply to her texts with the same zest now (at least I try to), but for the last three years in Pakistan (we are married for four years now) I had been living in a toxic relationship.

For the last three years I have been living in a toxic relationship. I definitely want to stay in the marriage, but not at the expense of losing myself.

I definitely want to stay in the marriage, but not at the expense of losing myself. I am concerned about my kid and my parents who love their grandson. I do love my wife, but how long can one be in a toxic relationship? I hardly miss her. I don’t feel like visiting my family during vacations, yet I am pursuing her visa application. I told her she is free to get any help from me in settling in the US. But I don’t think I can stand her checking my phone ever again! I am 30 years old. Please don’t tell me to talk to her and discuss this.

She really wants to live with me. I am tired, but think let’s give it a last try. How do I tell my kid and parents that I am sorry, I tried sincerely but it did not work?
Compromised

Dear Stick-Up-for-Yourself,
As children we are brought up to be polite and say yes to people. Your wife and her family have figured you out. They know that they can count on you to say yes to all their demands regardless of whether they are convenient or inconvenient for you.

They will place all their burdens on you without realising that they are taking advantage of you. Being away from the family has allowed you to get away from the din and hear yourself think. It has allowed you to get in touch with how you really feel which is why you are questioning the value of this relationship and whether the sacrifice is worth it.

So how do you stop saying yes? How do you start voicing your own needs? And finally, how do you stop being a doormat?

Your problem lies in the fact that you have learnt that your needs are not as important as the needs of others. As a result you feel used, abused, resentful and taken for granted. Please understand that to be able to truly give to others requires that you take care of your life and all your needs first. This is not selfish. It is the only way to stay sane.

If people can’t take the new you, they might stop hanging out with you. Expect people to fall away. They really didn’t care about you and were only looking to get from you. If family members leave, then trust that you needed to lose these people.

Also try the following with your wife. When she asks for something, tell her you need a day before you decide. Curb the instinct to say yes right away. Then the next day say ‘no’ to her.

Don’t avoid talking to your wife. That is just a passive aggressive way of dealing with the situation and makes things worse. To be able to say no, you will have to convince yourself that your needs matter and come first. It will be difficult because you have probably lived your life giving to others. Talk to your wife and get straight to the point by saying, “I feel I am being taken advantage of.” She might retaliate and go on the defensive. However, that’s a chance you have to take and Auntie totally encourages you to take it and see what happens. Please also seek professional marriage counselling before taking any life-changing decision.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 15th, 2018