Amidst much celebration and fanfare, the government of the Republic of Cliftonia released Our World’s Happiness Report 2018 (OWHR’18) last week at a special press conference held at the Aitchisonia Golf and Country Club. The annual report is widely considered (in gated communities all across the land) to be a credible gauge of the condition and sentiments of the general populace.

This year, once again, the republic claimed top spot on the list of the happiest countries in the world, leaving Finland and the rest of the Scandinavian wannabes, a distant second. And yet again, there was an enormous gap between the values, mores and socioeconomic disposition of Cliftonians and the rest of the world. 

“We are delighted to claim first place on the list of the world’s happiest nations,” said national icon and hope Nazir Jr, one of the country’s most popular politicians, chairman of his own party, and a former champion of Ludo and other indoor games. “Year in and year out, we continue to show the rest of the world why we are the chosen ones, going from success to success with nary an obstacle in our glorious path,” he said.

“Personally, I feel that this year has been the best year of my life because I have achieved phenomenal success by sheer willpower and a containerful of humility. By meditating for almost 15 seconds a day, I am now able to achieve zen-levels of happiness which help me ignore pesky court summons and the equally pesky obligation to attend national assembly sessions. As a result, I feel no guilt — none whatsoever — receiving my monthly stipend, arranged so lovingly by the tax-paying citizens of my beloved republic. Now tell me, which country in the world provides you with this level of contentment, joy and unaccountability?” asked chairman Nazir Jr. 

Which country in the world provides you with this level of contentment, joy and unaccountability?

Commenting on OWHR’18, Justice Ifti 2.0, a member of the republic’s judiciary, echoed the sentiments of his political counterpart. “We are blessed to be living in a land that asks nothing of us,” he said. “I have roamed hither tay nalay thither in my humble VIP convoy, waging holy war on hospitals, colleges and security details provided to unworthy folk, and found that this form of selfless service gives me the most happiness. I feel I am unstoppable … like a mini Lego Batman, I believe I can do anything! Now tell me, which country in the world provides you with this level of contentment, joy and unaccountability?” asked the supreme judicial. 

According to Gen GHQ, whose vision, profound wisdom and unbridled political sagacity are the bricks upon which the republic’s successes rest, the happiness report is confirmation of the superior status not just of the state that is Cliftonia but of its denizens. “We are a unique lot,” explained Gen GHQ. “We succeed and will continue to succeed by virtue of the fact that we just can’t stop being happy — whether it’s martial matters or economic issues, nothing is a challenge. Not a thing! And when something pops up that is not part of our narrative, it just automatically disappears … on its own … who knows how? 

We have a free press so why are they not on the front pages of newspapers? Do you know why? Yes, I think we all know why, don’t we?

“We know there are many treacherous detractors out there who cannot stomach the fact that we are happy beyond their wildest expectations. It’s the same lot who keep harping on about the fact that not everyone is happy in the republic; that there are actual, real, living, breathing men and women out there, congregating across the country … men and women with actual, real, living, breathing complaints. Oh ji, I say hogwash to such balderdash! Where are these phantom complainants, I ask you! Where? If they exist, why don’t we see them in the media? Why are they not on television? Why can’t we hear them? We have a free press so why are they not on the front pages of newspapers? Do you know why? Yes, I think we all know why, don’t we?

“We should always remember that nothing must come in the way of our happiness. As the Buddha says, ‘When true joy flows from deep within, the universe conspires to send real-estate prices skyrocketing.’ Is it any wonder that Cliftonia is Latin for ‘Ode to Joy’?’ So be honest and tell us: which country in the world provides you with this level of contentment, joy and unaccountability?” inquired the general.

For private equity expert and philanthropist Jimmy Jirga, the report proves why Cliftonia is a land of altruistic volunteers. “There are no obstacles here that prevent me from equity-ing my privates as freely as I want; which is why I now devote most of my time volunteering to enhance and enrich the Swiss banking system. I’m in utter financial bliss! Tell me, which country in the world provides you with this level of contentment, joy and unaccountability?” he asked.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 20th, 2018