In a move received with much admiration and envy by populist, right-wing regimes across the world, the Republic of Cliftonia’s Ministry of Moral Guidance and Health Alteration has issued a directive aimed at streamlining perspectives on various matters of general significance. This special document, released recently by the Ministry, aims at crafting acceptable definitions of certain words, concepts and phrases used commonly in both the print and the electronic media.

“We have taken this step on behalf of the masses who are very tired of the confusion that constantly arises every time a news story mentions concepts such as ‘extremism’ or ‘establishment’ and words such as ‘helicopter’ or ‘cook’,” said Brig (retd) Jarnail Khan, Moral Guide and Health Alterer. “The masses come running to me after every news broadcast … brandishing their copies of the Oxford English Dictionary, they ask me for explanations. And as a man of the people, I’m left with no choice but to show them that every word and every concept has two meanings, one good and one bad, and that, as Cliftonians, we must learn to know the difference.

“Therefore, in consultation with our national stakeholders, primarily Gen GHQ, the Supreme Judicials, and even a few credible politicians such as national icon and hope Nazir Jr., and Mullah Do Piazza, we have drafted and issued a special document — entitled Know the Difference! — to all media outlets. Needless to say, the document, as it currently stands, is not exhaustive; additions will continue to be made to it, as and when deemed appropriate,” the Minister added.

A new set of especially crafted definitions so we don’t get confused

Eos was among the first publications to receive the document. Excerpts follow:

All patriotic, Cliftonia-loving news outlets, anchorpersons, and even so-called journalists are expected to Know the Difference!

Good Taliban: Ours

Bad Taliban: Theirs

(Note: Both have beards so it is imperative we don’t get confused.) 

Good establishment: Ours — Cliftonian, national

Bad establishment: Theirs — Rothschildian, global

(Note: Both frequently inter marry, belong to the same moral gene pool, and rarely, if ever, visit the planet Earth so it is imperative we don’t get confused.) 

Good politicians: Ours — Loyal individuals who are excellent at knowing their place and staying away from all ministerial portfolios of import; lack any kind of political ideology; are adept at all manner of compromise; are experts at flip-flopping and U-turns.

Bad politicians: Not Ours — Traitorous leeches with delusions of democratic grandeur; harp incessantly about holding across-the-board accountability; unable to learn the etiquettes of how to behave in the corridors of power.

(Note: It takes a fraction of a second for a good politician to turn bad and vice versa so it is imperative we don’t get confused.)

Good extremists: Ours — They might be bigoted, abusive, genocidal and dangerous, but deep down they are angelic and brimming with good intentions; are extremely skilled at changing their organisations’ names whenever the need arises; have indulged in murder and mayhem, but then, who hasn’t in this day and age, n’est-ce pas? Currently busy being mainstreamed.

Bad extremists: Not Ours — A mixed bunch; some used to be ours but no longer are … wonder why, after all we did for them? Others can be described as pseudo libs, civil-society types, equally vile and untrustworthy; both traitors, usually foreign agents and often blasphemers, too. 

(Note: Individuals from both categories can sometimes get mixed up; for instance, when the ‘disappeared’ reappear, they often do so sporting beards so it is imperative we don’t get confused.)

Good political dynasties: Ours — These individuals belong to the good politicians category; are inherently more qualified than everyone else in the world and are, therefore, obviously selected as electoral candidates on pure merit.

Bad political dynasties: Not Ours — These individuals belong to the bad politicians category and are foul, nasty, evil feudals! Eeew! 

(Note: Both categories have rather similar dispositions so it is imperative we don’t get confused.)

Good cooks: Ours — Work in the kitchen but are, in fact, multi-millionaire stock holders on the boards of sugar mills.

Bad cooks: Not Ours — Work in the kitchen and are not multi-millionaire stockholders on the boards of sugar mills.

(Note: Their bank accounts are virtually identical so it is imperative we don’t get confused.)

Good helicopters: Ours — Flying machines used for personal political ends by good politicians; all to-ing and fro-ing in said machines is paid for by unsuspecting taxpayers.

Bad helicopters:  Not Ours — Flying machines used for personal political ends by bad politicians; all to-ing and fro-ing in said machines is paid for by unsuspecting taxpayers.

(Note: Sometimes both good and bad politicians to and fro in flying machines that belong to real-estate magnates. Those helicopters are also indirectly paid for by unsuspecting taxpayers so it is imperative we don’t get confused.)g

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 18th, 2018