Dear Auntie, I’m an 18-year-old girl. My problem is my parents. I have grown up in a very complicated family unit. My parents hate each other and only put up with each other because of their children. We were a normal family when I was a kid but then the fights and arguments gradually started increasing and by the time I was 13 it even came to a divorce that didn’t happen because of me and my brothers and our future. Although so many times I wished it to happen so the torture could end. After that I completely isolated myself from these matters to protect my sanity, I’ve always had great friends and social circle so it that wasn’t hard. Fast forward to now, my parents who hadn’t talked in five years are now starting to fight again, and now they’re expecting us to pick sides.

I have so much pain and anger built up in my head that I already feel like I’m turning into a psychopath. I don’t want to pick sides; in fact, I don’t want any part of it. Sometimes I just want to die or leave the house (both of which I can’t do). I also have a 15-year-old brother whose sanity I have to protect and my older brother just doesn’t care about any of it. The reasons for my parents’ fight are endless and I can’t describe them in any way possible. All I know is that my dad (although extremely chaotic) is right and my mother (slightly less chaotic) is stubborn and often wrong, but I can’t side against her because she’s my mother and I love both my parents. Please tell me how I can save myself and my little brother from all this. Talking to a family member doesn’t help at all; my friends have no clue about all this and to them I’m all rainbow and sunshine (and I don’t want to change that); and a psychiatrist is not an option. Please reply to my query or else I’ll go completely crazy.

P.S. Please excuse my grammar as I’m typing this while they’re screaming at each other.

Fed up teen

Dear Daughter,

It is not easy to get away from the situation you are facing at home, so you have to sit your parents down and tell them about the effect this is having on you. Set aside time to talk to them, ideally together or even separately and let them know how you are feeling. Talk about the effect their fights are having on you and that you worry for your little brother. Be polite but also direct. Tell them, “Please do not fight around us. It is having a really bad effect on me and my brother.” Tell them directly that they are both your parents and that you love them equally and that is why you will not pick sides.

Also next time things erupt at home, leave the room and go do something else like listening to music instead. At the same time it is normal to feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster in such situations. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. Cry if you want to; scream into your pillow if you want to. Express yourself by writing or painting, if that is what helps. Through all this, keep reminding yourself that you are not responsible for their fights even if your name comes up during the fight. Also remind yourself of your strengths and good points every day.

If you have a counsellor in your school, do go talk to her regarding this. Tell her exactly what you are going through. It is important that you talk to an adult who does not behave the way your parents have been doing. If your school does not have a counsellor, try talking to a teacher who you know will understand your problem. Also you should not be afraid of talking to at least one of your closest friends about the problem. Auntie knows that you have a lot going on in your life at the moment, however if you look closely at the lives of people around you, you will realise that no one’s life is perfect and it isn’t healthy to be all rainbow and sunshine all the time.   

Dear Auntie,

I’m a 23-year-old jobless guy. It’s been hard for me to find a job after graduation. I have been sitting home for the last six months and getting depressed day by day. I am worried about my future and at this point don’t know what to do. My mother wants me to go to Dubai to find a job. I know it’s a good idea but still don’t know whether I will be able to get a job or not.

How I utilise this time is one of the challenges for me.Sleeping late at night has become my habit and I don’t know how to overcome that. I had recently looked at universities in Canada and wanted to go there for my Masters, but my mother is not willing. I am afraid that if don’t get a job in Dubai I will end up wasting my time. I cannot make a decision or even judge what will happen. Auntie I really need your help so that I can get of this situation.

Depressed Guy

Dear Job-hunter,

Going to Dubai and looking for a job will not waste your time. Sitting home, stewing over your situation, and over-thinking whether you will find a job or not, whether it is worth it or not, whether there is a dearth of jobs or not, will definitely waste a lot of your time.

If you don’t have a job, you should be making it your full time job to find a job. Become proactive. Before you go to bed tonight, plan how you intend to search for a job tomorrow. Write down a to-do list every night. Wake up in the morning and run a critical eye over your CV, make any changes, start contacting head-hunters, look up job ads online or in the newspaper, call anyone you know who you can help you land a job. Follow up with everyone you have sent your CV to, so that they know that you are serious. Also be open to doing any kind of work, which may not necessarily be a job with benefits. I am not sure about your educational qualification, but you can offer to design websites for people or write copy for anyone who needs that done, depending on your skill set.

Also start volunteering somewhere. Anywhere. There are plenty of opportunities to do that. This will keep you busy during the day and it will also help you meet people who might be able to link you up to your next opportunity.

Instead of dwelling on why you shouldn’t be doing something, train your brain to think about why you should be doing something and then do it!

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, August 28th, 2016