Auntie, I am a business graduate working in a beverage company. I love my classmate who has a rich background. We both spoke to our parents and told them that we like each other and want to get married. Due to my middle-class background, I have faced many hurdles from her family. They have too many issues related to my status and she just blames me all the time that I am not up to their standard. I try my best to get better and better in life, but it requires some time and she doesn’t tolerate that. She’s used to a luxurious life and demands the same from me. She loves material things more than me. What to do? Her father is coming next week to meet us. Don’t know how to handle them.

Poor boy

Dear Husband-material,

You two seriously need to sort out your differences before the father comes to visit and this gets serious. If she is blaming you and saying you are not ‘up to their standard’, why on earth does she want to marry you? If she is running you down, you really need to reconsider your decision to marry her. Do you want a lifetime of being told you are inadequate by your wife? The last thing anyone needs is a relationship that damages their self-esteem. So before you tie the knot with her and even before you meet her father, tell her that she may not realise it, but she is putting you down and it needs to stop. See her reaction. She may not have realised it and may become more mindful of what she says to you. Or she may defend herself. If she does the latter, Auntie would seriously suggest you put marriage plans on hold indefinitely and do some soul searching.

Also regarding money and wealth both of you need to be on the same page (in terms of your attitude towards it) otherwise marriage can become hell if one person values money and the other do not.

If she loves material things she could well become very demanding. Ask yourself if you are ready to deal with that, especially if as you say, you don’t value material things yourself. Sort all this out, before you meet her father.

In case you are able to come to an understanding with your girlfriend (i.e. she realises how she is contributing to the problem and stops it) do meet the father. Be honest during your meeting, but also show him that you may not have money today, but that you do have a promising future and that you care for and love his daughter. That is what most parents want and that is what should shine through sincerely in your conversation with him.

Dear Auntie,

I have been married for six months. My husband is very loving, caring and supportive; ours is a love marriage. The trouble I face is with my parents-in-law.

I used to work at a publishing company with my husband, he asked me to quit four months before our wedding reasoning that I needed to spend time with his parents and get to know them to build a good relationship with them. Consequently, right after our wedding I had to spend all my time with his parents while he went to work. I realised I had nothing in common with them and our thought process was completely different. They grew dissatisfied with me and would often mention all the gorgeous beautiful girls that were dying to marry my husband to make me feel unworthy. My mother-in-law would not let me take charge of the cooking. She declared that I did not know anything about cooking and I should just wash the dishes and make rotis. These are the only tasks I perform till this day. The bitterness between us deepened and there were some awful episodes where our anger at each other boiled over and resulted in horrible rows. I had to beg for their forgiveness in the end since they are older and no matter how badly they treat me I cannot disrespect them. Though I knew it was unfair that I had to apologise but I did so because I did not want to leave my husband whom I love very much.

After six months of marriage I am starting to worry about my mental health. I detest my parents-in-law with such fervour. There are no more rows though, I just keep the hatred I feel for them bottled in. I wish they would die soon, sometimes I even imagine murdering them myself. I have terrible mood swings, one moment I am perfectly normal, next moment I am slapping my face and crying uncontrollably in the privacy of my room. I feel like I signed my death warrant when I signed that nikahnama. The person I was died then and there, I don’t recognise myself anymore. I used to be praised for being confident, bold and intelligent. Now I feel like I have no personality. I am absolutely useless. I tried to find a job but so far I have not gotten any calls. I often fantasise about my suicide.

Please tell me how to retain my sanity. I cannot go to a psychiatrist and I don’t want to share all this with my husband, since I will be labelled paagal, and you know how our society views such people.

Losing my mind   Dear Take-control,

Since you live with your in-laws and the situation is distressing you, really the only thing you can do is manage your emotions and insist that your husband get involved. Start by looking at things from your MIL’s point of view. You may hate her, but you need to do this for your own sanity. Think of her as a case study and really consider what is making her behave like she does. Do it dispassionately and you will probably be able to see how her behaviour is part of a larger problem. Is she being aggressive because she thinks you are trespassing on her territory? Does she feel that her son has been snatched from her? Is it a pattern in her family to drive the bahus crazy? Did the same happen to her when she got married? Try to be as objective as you can be as you do this and then ask yourself (honestly please!) about how you may be contributing to the problem. Sometimes we also bring subconscious notions about in-laws and behave a certain way to ‘keep’ the problem. It takes a lot to admit that we do it, but a lot of us do it. What for instance would a third person say about your situation?

Next, stop having any expectations from the in-laws. You have brought expectations to this marriage based on your interaction with your own family; however every family is different and shows their love differently. Also your in-laws may not love you. Be okay with that and stop having that expectation. At the same time, stop looking for approval from your in-laws. If you cook something that they don’t like or if you go out with friends and they disapprove, be okay with it. That is just their view of your actions. It is not the truth.

Avoid emotional outbursts. If they talk about other more eligible girls that their son could have married they are clearly trying to provoke you. Don’t take the bait and don’t take it personally. Know that in saying that, they are dealing with their own issues. It has nothing to do with you. And if you do end up having a discussion, stick to facts and refuse to stoop to mudslinging.

Find a friend who listens to you and vent when you need to and definitely start exercising as an outlet for your anger.

Finally, please do tell your husband, so that he is aware and can take steps to resolve the issues between you. It would be ideal if the two of you could move out, but that may not always be possible. You husband is really the only one who can attempt a resolution because any action that you take independently is not likely to go down well with anyone. He has to get over his aversion to conflict and step in to manage the situation if he wants peace in the house.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, August 21st, 2016