Dear Khala jaan, I have recently joined a company where the nature of work requires me to travel to other cities for projects. I took the offer wholeheartedly and I am very satisfied with what I am doing. Life is very good by the grace of God.

The only problem is that my father has not taken this very easily. He is constantly asking me about the end of the project and when I am coming back to the city for good. I do visit on weekends or alternate weekends so he can see me around, but every time I pack to go to work at the end of weekend, the drama starts. He becomes sad and asks me to ask the company to move the project to our city and says that he thought that I am back for good. This is really bothering me and we have had arguments about this.

I have told him that I love this job and I do not wish to come back to an ordinary life. I have plans to go abroad and I am building a life for myself that I have always dreamed of, but unfortunately my father has dreamed a life for me that involves staying at home and working, even as a clerk, in some government organisation where he believe I will have job security and get a pension.

My mother is very supportive of me, but my father and his emotional blackmailing is the only thing that is holding me back. He has discouraged all of my siblings from doing anything and always tells us that our efforts to do anything will fail and that we should stop trying and lead a life that revolves around him.

He asked my brother to get married because he thought that the house and family needs a revival and then asked him to get a divorce when he thought that the house didn’t need a revival. He asked my mother to leave her job after taking her to job interviews himself, because he thought that the children needed attention.

Now I do not know how to break the news to him that I might be leaving for abroad soon. He has paid for my food and clothes and education, and he is my father so I think I owe him but I don’t think it should cost me my life and dreams. I could pack and leave tonight and not come back ever, but he is my father.

Living a dream

Dear Living a dream,

Most of us grow up wanting approval and love from our parents. This is especially true for cultures such as ours where many continue to live in joint families even as adults. That is one of the reasons why we don’t want to disappoint our parents, even when we have grown up. You have to see this need to please your father in yourself, and if you want to grow and live your dreams, you have to let go of this need.

This is not to say that you do not love your father. You do. But you do not agree with his vision of life. Life is taking you on a journey and it is all happening naturally. You know that you are on the right track and your mother is supporting you, too. Take this as evidence that what you are doing is the right thing. Your father just cannot see it yet. He might, someday.

You can see that your father is emotionally blackmailing you (a lot of people don’t see that and remain stuck). It is at times like this that you need to remind yourself that you are an adult and you don’t have to succumb to your father’s demands. You have to learn to say ‘no’ and take responsibility for your life.

Work on your plan to move abroad. Separate your emotions from the plan and focus on what you have to do. It isn’t easy and you might feel scared or miserable at times, but work through your emotions and focus on the plan. The good part is that you have your mother on your side. Confide in her if you think that she will understand your plan. If not, find a friend or a relative who ‘gets’ you and talk to them. Stay focused.

Dear Auntie,

I am a single guy in my mid-20s. I used to work for an international organisation, everything was going fine, and my relationship with my colleagues was also good. There was one young lady, who was very helpful and friendly with me. I always took her as a friend. We always used to hang out together in parties and on other occasions. In the beginning I just considered herself nothing more than a good friend, however, after some time, gradually we both started to like each other.

Though I never had the opportunity to express my feelings to her, we were getting really close to each other. It all suddenly ended when my organisation didn’t extend my contract. When I lost my job, the same old friend, whom I loved, slowly ended all sorts of contact with me. I asked her to at least keep in touch with me, even tried to tell her how much I liked her. However, she never replied to me again. I feel lonely and upset. I need your advice in this regard. How I can overcome my despair?

Lonely guy

Dear Lonely guy,

You did not see that coming did you? Getting the cold shoulder can hurt and make you insecure. A lot of times people feel insecure after a rejection and start focusing on their faults. If you are doing that, please stop; mainly because you will probably never really find out why she disappeared from your life. Also, she may not be totally sure why she did what she did. In any case if you are getting emotional and dwelling on your flaws, that is just going to push your self-esteem further down.

Start getting over this rejection by being very good to yourself. If you feel your emotions welling up, make a conscious effort to deal with it at a particular time. Take out those 15 minutes that you have set aside and think about what happened. You could also process your emotions by writing a letter to the girl. Write everything you think and want to express, but don’t send it. Don’t worry about spellings and grammar as no one is going to see it.

Start getting back into life. Do the things that you have always loved doing. If you have isolated yourself, get back in touch with friends and family and start hanging out with them. Get out in nature if you can. There may be a park or a river or a sea close by. Go there for walks, and notice the rocks, sand, greenery and the flowers around you. It will soothe you.  

This is the time to think carefully about what you want to do with your life and start working towards it. Put your plans down on paper and think about how you can go about achieving them.   Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, May 29th, 2016