Dear Concerned Auntie,

I have been married for four months. Before marriage, I lived in Karachi and worked for a reputable bank at a senior position. At age 39 I never wanted to get married; I was happy with my career but since my mother wished that for me, I agreed to marry a man who lives in New York and is a US citizen.

Our families met when we went to visit my sister who lives in Boston (five hours away from New York). We met the guy and his family and everything was fine. They told us the guy’s first marriage broke up. We did not enquire much as his previous marriage lasted only six months and we were told that his ex-wife was unable to adjust to the US; he also didn’t have kids. So, I got married.

After getting married I was after my husband to get my paperwork done every day but he would make up stories. His behaviour towards me was like that of a stranger. He used to spend time with his parents till late at night and used to come to his room when I was sleeping. We never had any relations and on weekends we never used to go out, as he used to say it is cold outside.

I told him that he can take me out, as I am from Karachi and am used to going out every day. I couldn’t bear to sit at home like this. In his absence his mother mentally tortured me by saying “Don’t touch this, don’t eat this, don’t cook, I will do everything, you just stand here”. I was only asked to do the dishes and make rotis. My mother-in-law was still not happy with whatever I did and my husband never used to take me out. Also if I asked him to go for a walk, his mother used to create a scene. They treated me like a slave and I ate leftover food as they were really miserly.

One of my uncles lives in Long Island, near my in-laws. One day, I asked my husband if I could go and spend a day with him. He told me that if I am going then I should just go and not come back. So that day I had a big argument with my mother-in-law and my husband. I called my uncle and he came and picked me up. 

My uncle told me that if my husband calls me, I shouldn’t answer his call, and that he would handle it. My husband called me once and I ignored him and after that he didn’t call. I went to Boston to my sister’s place and we tried to contact them, but all in vain.

I have a B2 visit visa which will expire this year in November, and have a six month stamp on my passport from December 2015 till June 2016. I also had a return ticket for April, so I came back. I called my husband before leaving but he did not answer my phone calls. At the airport I tried again and he picked up; I informed him that I was returning to Pakistan as my mother wasn’t well.

For a while he behaved as if he cared about me and told me to keep him posted, but ever since I have returned to Pakistan his behaviour has changed. He said that my drastic decision has made him think about what to do and he has not done my paper- work. I think he wanted me to stay illegally as a ‘servant’ for his 80-year-old parents.

I have spent my savings on my wedding. I have no job, no car and my family is upset as well. I am in a mess and feel shattered. My in-laws and my husband are no longer in touch with me and I feel like they’re fraudsters. We contacted a family who was involved in getting us together. They tried contacting them and my husband told them that everything is over. Now I don’t know what to do.

Start Over

Dear Start Over,

Based on what you have written, I don’t think reconciling and going back to this marriage is an option. I really wonder why you are even considering saving your marriage since you were so miserable in that house.

Also, it was hardly a marriage. That there was no physical relationship between the two of you is what should set off everyone’s radars. It is a sign of problems with your marriage being deeper than just a controlling saas. You mention this in passing, but actually that is why you should end this marriage right now.

Yes you had a proper Muslim wedding with a nikah and a rukhsati, but it was not a marriage.

I think what is really troubling you right now is that your family is upset and you have come back to no savings, no job and no car. You feel like you have lost on all fronts. Yet all of these things can be acquired and built up again. Your family being upset is also understandable. They are worried for you and maybe what ‘people will say’.

If you look around you, you will realise that everyone is living with one fear or another, so you are in good company. Also everyone has made several mistakes. And far too many people end up marrying the wrong person, so you really aren’t alone.

Refrain from discussing and explaining what went wrong with your marriage with everyone, now is the time to divert your energies to setting out and finding yourself a job (work your network!). Move forward with your head held high. By doing that, you never know who else you might inspire to do the same.

Also, the people you think are talking about you, a lot of times they aren’t. Many times they have moved on to the next piece of gossip, and sometimes the news that you left your marriage merely washes over them, like other bits of news.

Many people are just too busy to talk about you or judge you. In any case, don’t let the fear of what other people think or say stop you from living your life.

Please do seek out professional help if it gets to be too much to bear.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine May 22nd, 2016