Hello Auntie,

I am a 17-year-old student who has made many foolish decisions and now regrets them terribly. I have been a great disappointment lately to everyone around me. I have hurt them in many ways by my behaviour as well as by my non-serious attitude. The thing is that I have been addicted to self-harm. I know it’s wrong and haram, but I just can’t control the urge. Every time someone screams at me or says something rude, I deal with it by cutting myself. I try not to take out my anger on my loved ones because I know I might say something callous, so instead I take it out on myself.

At times I can fight the urge but most of the time it controls me. I have lost control over myself as lately cutting and self-harm is the only thing I can think of. I have ugly scars on my wrists that have to be kept hidden, because people judge me based on them. Please help.

Lost

Dear Break-it,

Breaking a habit can take time, so you will need to be patient with yourself. Instead of focusing on how sinful it is to cut yourself, try coming from a place of understanding and kindness towards yourself when your mind starts to berate you. You have a problem that needs help — as do many other people — and if you can talk to your family about it, make them understand that this is a condition and that you should see a therapist that would be ideal.

Till that happens you need to plan what you will do from now on every time the urge to cut strikes. You are pretty aware of the situations that trigger your need to cut and you need to explore them. Is it anger? Pain? Sadness? Tension? A mix of all of these? Or something else? Once you figure out why you do it, you can start to figure out a healthy way to deal with it.  

Waiting for the urge to cut to pass by distracting yourself is quite effective. In most cases, the longer you wait, the weaker your urge becomes. You will also need to experiment and see what kind of distraction works for you. For instance, you could distract yourself by exercising — this could be calming stretches or vigorous workout sessions, or even a brisk walk or jog. See what works for you. You could also call up a friend and talk about something unrelated just to get your mind off things. You could read, watch TV or do whatever else you feel is safe (away from sharp objects) and convenient to do. If it helps you could write out your feelings or listen to music that reflects your pain.

I seriously urge you to get your family’s support and seek help from a professional therapist for this. Remember, seeing a therapist does not mean you are crazy. A professional therapist is trained to help us cope better in life and God knows that many of us could do with their help.

 Salam Auntie,

I am a teenager and am studying in grade 10.When I was in Grade 6 one of my cousins got married. Now her mother-in-law is looking for a girl for her son, but she has her eyes on me. Her son is almost 10 years older than me. The problem is that we have very good relations with them, so when she asked my parents they told her that she is very young, and wait for at least five years. My parents could not refuse her directly, that’s why she still has hope. I really don’t like her family and her son, but I can’t say anything to my father. He thinks that the person is very good and I will be happy and stuff. But I have got my dreams and it seems reality is going the opposite way. I simply don’t want to marry that guy. Auntie, this is not the time when I should be worried about these things as far as my age is considered, but this is really depressing me. Please give me good advice.

Confused

Dear Achhi Larki,

The exchange between your parents and the boy’s parents hardly sounds like an understanding, let alone a firm commitment. Auntie would go as far as suggesting that when anyone asks a potential rishta to wait five years, it is just a polite way of saying “keep looking for someone else for your son”.

Auntie agrees that you are too young to think about marriage, but wake up! So do your parents, otherwise they would not have asked for another five years.

In any case if you can’t talk to your father, can you talk to your mother and say that you don’t like talk of marriage at this stage in your life because it distracts you from your education? If you are not comfortable with writing to your mother, you could talk to a sibling or a khala or phuppo who can convey your thoughts on the issue to your parents. Also while at it, you can explain that you don’t like the boy or his mother and that your parents should do something to bring down their and your father’s hopes a little.

There are a hundred excuses people use every day to politely bring other people’s hopes down and so could your mother. Pakistanis are especially well-versed in this art.

In the event — which I reckon is unlikely — that your parents bring up the lack of ‘acha rishtas’ as an excuse to hold on to this one, just say “ If this acha rishta can come my way, so can another.”

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, August 23rd, 2015

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