Assalam-o-Alaikum For the past few years I have begun to think that I have got some kind of problem in me. Whenever someone does something wrong to me I unconsciously repeat the same with another person. Like when I was in university, my friends and I (a group of six) got a project and soon my friends ditched me and dropped my name from the group, because they were threatened that I would tell the truth of fake surveys to the teacher. And then in the next semester I, without thinking, ended up discarding somebody from a group I was in. But I soon recognised what I had done. If someone blocks or does not reply to me on social network this upsets me and I instinctively block or don’t reply to others. If someone uses a bad word, I repeat the same bad phrase to others. I wonder why this happens. Maybe I think a lot or maybe all bad things get stored in my mind for later execution. Perpetuator

Dear Break-the-pattern, Congratulation on being more evolved than a lot of people, because you have enough self-awareness to realise what you are doing. Indeed the worst thing a victim can do is to become a victimiser herself. To break out of this destructive cycle, try not to take things too personally when someone is mean to you. Auntie knows it is easy to say this, but try it next time someone treats you badly. See their behaviour as if they are trying to take out their unresolved issues on you. How they are behaving towards you, says everything about them and how you behave and react will say everything about you. If you stoop to their level, and perpetuate their meanness onto someone else, then that person has turned you into a victim. If, however, you don’t take on their negativity towards you, you have retained your power.

Also stop trying to blame those who are trying to victimise you. Control your own reactions to them and take responsibility for how you feel. Once you do that you will start healing from this pattern. Become aware of when you feel compelled to become the person who hurt you, make a conscious effort to stop the feeling and break the pattern.

Dearest Auntie, I don’t know if it is wise to send you my problem, but I have no choice. I am married and have two children. Both are good-looking like me.

But my husband has been and still keeps a distance from our family and me. We have no communication and chemistry since marriage and this has increased my frustration, depression and aggression. We had to seek medical help for me and I ended up taking anti-depressants.

My weight went up because of it and then we lost one of our children because of the anti-depressants, where I couldn’t carry the pregnancy till full term.

Now both my children have grown a little and they notice that their father does not give them time. He does not play with them and mostly stays out of the house. He does not even communicate properly with them. He talks when he feels like it. We seldom go for vacations.

I tried to understand my husband’s nature but I have just become tired.

I seek your advice. Loner

Dear Spouse, Lack of communication has driven a wedge it your marriage. It is very likely that your husband is staying away from his family, because he is trying to escape what he sees as an ongoing conflict situation. Since the average man does not deal easily with emotions, when you, his wife constantly complains that things aren’t going well or makes negative remarks, your husband responds my staying out of the house and tuning out what you are saying.

The root cause of you problem is about how both of you communicate with each other. How you say things to him and how he hears them. When you bring up a subject while trying to solve a problem, your husband probably feels like you are criticising him and retreats. This has had a serious impact on your marriage and created some complicated issues for which ideally you should seek professional marriage counselling.

In the meantime, start today to change how you communicate with your husband. When you speak to him try not to adopt an accusatory tone. Try not to say things such as ‘You don’t care about me’ or ‘You never listen to what I have to say,’ because it causes him to withdraw. Instead tell him (calmly!) how you are feeling and also communicate that despite everything you still wish to be close to him. He may not be used to you speaking to him like this, but be patient and persist with this style of communicating with him.

Avoid being rude and raising your voice even if you are becoming emotional. Try to remain calm even when you are upset and talk to your husband rationally. Listen to what he has to say and consider his opinion. If he says something such as ‘You nag me’ or ‘You are never happy with anything I do’, don’t instantly react and stoop to trading insults and accusations. This will just escalate the negativity and really not solve anything. Instead really listen to what he is saying and try and understand it. Consider that there may actually be some truth in what he is saying and make adjustments if possible.

Remember conflicts are seldom just about one partner.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, March 22nd, 2015

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