Hello Auntie,
A few years ago I got engaged to a person from my extended family on the advice of my parents. He doesn’t really have a job so we haven’t been able to get married.
He’s really sweet and romantic, but I’m not. Lately I’ve been feeling kind of cold and dead in the feelings department and we’ve been fighting because I don’t give him enough time. I am just finishing a degree and usually I focus on one thing only so this makes me careless. I like my field of choice and that means I’m really passionate about my work.
When this happens he usually brings out a whole list of things that have made him feel unhappy (things like not visiting enough) and I have to explain myself and my behaviour. At first I thought these were only the normal trials and tribulations of a relationship, but what if they’re not? I can’t connect with him intellectually and that means an extrovert like me has nothing to say when we talk. And this leads to more problems.
And I’ve exchanged countless presents with him so if I break it off now, what would that say about me? What kind of a person strings someone along and then refuses?
Also what if our families never meet after this? I have no particular feelings toward anyone, so why not marry someone like him?
Dazed and confused
Dear Look-inside,
While the ‘butterflies in the stomach’ stage does not last forever in any relationship, you need to explore your feeling and the reasons why you may be feeling indifferent or ‘out of love’ with your fiancé. There are some hints in your letter about the root of your feelings, but you need to dig deeper to find out whether your lack of feelings is because you have outgrown him, changed your mind about him or because you are angry about something. The root of the problem could lie with you also. Maybe you have changed or maybe you just have too much on your plate and are exhausted.
You also seem to be having a hard time accepting your feelings about the situation. Ask yourself how long you have felt this way and whether the fact that you feel indifferent towards your fiancée bothers you. Does the relationship help you grow? Are you still friendly and do you have mutual respect for each other? Can you imagine being married to him and could you have a good relationship with him after marriage?
Try talking to someone close to you and also consider talking to your fiancé about it. Such a conversation may not be very comfortable but it will be a load off your chest and it might provide your fiancé with the impetus to put down his feelings on the table. In fact, if you do end up marrying this man, open and honest communication at this point can perhaps lay the foundation for a fantastically improved relationship.
When you two communicate, both of you might decide that you need some time apart, before deciding what to do. Introspection and communicating with each other are both important steps in helping you take a decision about your relationship.
Dear Auntie Agni,
My problem is related to psychology. I have a habit of living in the past. I cherish past memories or keep thinking about certain decisions that I took in my life. For instance, I did change my job and now I feel as if it was not the right decision. Every day I look at pictures that I took in the past one year and remember those days with friends and relatives. This is hampering my productivity as I keep dwelling in the past and not focusing on the present. In the same way, I keep thinking about the future. Although I complete all my tasks on time and have an organised life, I keep thinking about the negatives that can happen which takes out the energy from me. Please tell me how I can overcome this problem. I know that this is related to my thoughts and it’s a purely psychological issue. I need tips to overcome this problem of living in the past and the future as I want to live and cherish the present moment.
Mr Nostalgic
Dear Now,
You’re in great company! There are enough people in the world who are dreaming about exotic holidays while they should be working and fretting about work. In your case, what Auntie finds promising is that you realise that not living in the present is a problem. This is something most people don’t even begin to understand.
By living in the past or the future you are letting your thoughts control you. In order to regain control you have to take the time to stop doing things and for a moment just be. Breathe deeply, focusing on your inhaling and exhaling. Then look around you and fully appreciate the moment. What can you see, hear, smell and feel? Soak it all in as if you are seeing it for the first time. If that seems difficult try pretending that you are a baby to whom everything looks new. Stop frequently throughout the day and try and do this simple exercise. This will be a conscious effort to bring your focus into the now.
There are quite a few books (and you may even find DVDs) on staying present and mindfulness, and Auntie really recommends that you pick up a few on your next trip to the bookstore.
As you practice staying in the present you will find that you continue to get stuck in old memories. Don’t fight this because doing so may backfire and you will probably end up feeding those memories. Just accept your feeling and observe them without judging.
Finally understand that staying present is a skill. The longer you make the effort to keep bringing your attention back to the present, the easier it will become to continue doing so for longer and longer.
Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:
Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, February 22nd, 2015
On a mobile phone? Get the Dawn Mobile App: Apple Store | Google Play
Dear visitor, the comments section is undergoing an overhaul and will return soon.