Dear Auntie,

Why do you never answer any of my queries? Should I suppose that this is all fake, and that there is no response to real emails?

Waiting

Hey Lady-in-waiting,

Given the number of letters that Auntie receives and given the word limit of the column, it is not possible to answer every letter. Also certain letters don’t get printed because they are too long (many of you are guilty of that!), some letters are more of the same (yes I know you are 14 and in love. Tell me more), some letters are well … umm … how do you say … inappropriate and sometimes I just don’t get around to your letter.

So no, much as you would like to believe otherwise, this is not all fake and this is the response to your very real email!

Dear Auntie,

My younger son is a student of class 7. Since last August, he has been making a big issue out of school. He does not want to go school. Sometimes he pretends that he wants to go, but when he gets ready to go there he suddenly changes his mind.

I changed his school in November, because I thought that he had problems with his previous school teachers and school mates. But he did not change his habits after admission in the new school. He also lied to me during the early days of his admission in the new school. For a week he went to school, but instead of entering through the school gate he would go away to Playland and play there during the school timings and come back home at the exact time school ended.

He has been giving many excuses about not going to school. Sometimes he says that his skin colour is dull so he’ll not go to school because students will laugh at him; sometimes he says that his hands are black and the girls in school check every one’s nails, so he feels shy when they check his nails.

He often gets ready to go to school but comes back home after standing 15-20 minutes at the bus stop.

He is only interested in cricket, football and cycling.

I am a working woman, my husband died six years ago. I have punished my son many times but I feel that after I punished him, he has become very aggressive.

Please tell me what I should do with him?

Mother

Dear Be-more-involved,

You are not alone. Nearly every morning several children around the country scream, cry and do whatever possible to stay home and it becomes a battle just to get them out the door.

It is almost inevitable that at some point most parents will face a child not wanting to go to school. The most important thing is to identify the problem correctly. Is your son avoiding school because of the workload? Is it peer pressure? Or is this just how your child copes? As a parent you need to pay attention to your child’s situation: is he having a social problem in school or does he just require more sleep?

Sometimes children are afraid of bullies and avoiding school is one of the first signs that your child may be being bullied. From what he says about being embarrassed because of dull skin and his finger nails (please help him clean them!), that may be one of the reasons he is avoiding school. You might want to get in touch with his teacher to figure out if this is the case. There are also children who don’t like their time being managed and being told what to, so not going to school maybe one way in which he is acting up and defying authority.

Basically you have to play detective here. Not going to school is somehow serving your child. It is fixing a situation that he sees as a problem. Once you figure out why he is avoiding school, and hopefully support him in overcoming his fears, you also need to put your foot down and tell him that there is no getting away from school. Maybe for a few days you could personally drop your child at the school gate to make sure he goes inside. And if that is not possible, maybe the teacher could inform you if and when he doesn’t turn up.

You can also motivate your son to go to school by rewarding him. Maybe he can stay up an extra half an hour (I hope he has a set time to sleep and wake up) if he brings home a good grade. You could also give him consequences for undesirable situations. Take away TV time, any games that he plays or his cell phone, if he has one, for every time he messes up on going to school.

If you have allowed your son unmonitored and unlimited access to cell phone, video games and computers then it is time to start setting a limit on these things so you can use them to reward your child or punish him.

Also if he keeps up his behaviour, at some point the school will penalise him. That is the point that you should let the school penalise him. Do not offer any excuses for his missing school or save him in anyway and let the school hold him accountable. This is a difficult thing for the parent to do, but sometimes by being stern with our children and letting them deal with the consequences of their actions we actually end up doing them a favour. Good luck to you.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, February 1st, 2015

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