Welcome to the “Who Won 2014 in Pakistan” blog, which uses cutting-edge science and advanced sabermetrics to determine which person, event or phenomenon was the winner of the previous year.

The idea for this competition is from the American website Grantland, which does its own version for the USA. The competition begins by identifying nominees across different fields, which were:

1. Sports

Shahid Afridi | Misbah-ul-Haq | Pakistan Hockey Team

2. Film & TV

Fahad Mustafa | Fawad Khan | Hamza Ali Abbasi

3. Music

Ayyan | Asrar | Sajjad Ali

4. Media and Movements

Mubasher Lucman | Reham Khan | Malala Yousufzai

5. Politics

Imran Khan | ASWJ | General Raheel Sharif

6. Internet Culture

Imaan Sheikh | Gullu Butt | Meera Sex Tape | #GoNawazGo

7. Literature

Bilal Tanweer | Saba Imtiaz | Omar Shahid Hamid

All the categories other than Internet Culture got three nominees each. Since this is a blog, we let the internet have four nominees. Along with these, we also chose two more entrants – a wild card (Najam Sethi) and the defending champion from 2013 (you can read on how Aamir Liaquat won that here).

Once we had chosen the competitors, we searched each on Google, and used the number of search results to determine a hierarchical seeding system: 1. Imran Khan | 2. Malala Yousufzai | 3. Go Nawaz Go | 4. Pakistan Hockey team (the outlier) | 5. Shahid Afridi | 6. Sajjad Ali | 7. Meera Sex Tape | 8. Fawad Khan | 9. Misbahul Haq | 10. Fahad Mustafa | 11. Najam Sethi | 12. Raheel Sharif | 13. Aamir Liaquat | 14. Reham Khan | 15. Hamza Ali Abbasi | 16. Mubasher Lucman | 17. Ayyan | 18. Omar Shahid | 19. ASWJ | 20. Gullu Butt | 21. Imaan Sheikh | 22. Saba Imtiaz | 23. Asrar (actually higher but there’s some Turkish singer named Asrar too. So we searched for 'Asrar Coke Studio') | 24. Bilal Tanweer

The nominees then faced off in one-to-one matchups, where we made largely spurious and intangible calls for why one deserved to beat the other.

Round 1

Ayyan vs Mubasher Lucman

Our first matchup has a highly ranked Ayyan versus a surprisingly low-seeded Mubsaher Lucman. It was a fabulous year for Ayyan, who had already cemented her position in the past few years as the top model in the country. This year though, she decided to branch out her talents and move into the world of music.

Since being good looking is the only criteria for pop music these days, Ayyan’s autotuned voice with Caucasian-rapper and generic paeans to partying led to one mediocre song – You and I – but then she dropped her second single, Making Dollar$. The song reveled in its shallowness, and was terribly addictive. A true measure of its hold was the fact that its Soundcloud page (audio only, no video of the ravishing Ayyan) crossed over one million plays – 200,000 more than Sajjad Ali’s Tum Naraz Ho on Coke Studio, and far more than almost any other Pakistani musician.

But even though her hit single made everyone end up looking like a fool, Ayyan’s year doesn’t quite compare to the one-man-channel-cum-crusade that was Mubasher Lucman.

Despite being exposed as a lifafa only a year ago, Mubasher led the charge of the lifafa-callers and matched Ayyan in how often he was shared on our social media timelines. Ayyan was Making Dollars, but none of those came from the backing of Pakistan’s most powerful quarters.

Winner: Mubasher Lucman

Misbahul Haq vs Bilal Tanweer

Bilal Tanweer can probably relate to Misbah a little bit, given how the author has managed the impossible – writing a lyrical, fascinatingly complex yet fragile novel on the madness that is Karachi – and yet he came in lowest for Google searches out of all our nominees. Like Misbah, true class didn't translate into popularity in his case.

Bilal’s novel, The Scatter Here Is Too Great, won the Shakti Bhatt award which was picked up previously by Jamil Ahmed and Mohammad Hanif. He also picked up rave reviews in The Guardian and The New York Times, and is in running for the DSC prize for South Asian literature. The accolades themselves can’t quite capture what a marvelously ambitious work the novel is, which captures Karachi’s sense of disparate-yet-overlapping spheres of reality through interweaving short stories.

But Bilal did not get a chance to equal the record of one of the all-time-greats in a cathartic act whose swiftness and brutality decimated a toxic and pervasive perception. That crown was instead Misbah's. For scoring a Test century as fast as Viv Richards, Misbah manages to win over Bilal.

Winner: Misbahul Haq

General Raheel Sharif vs Imaan Sheikh

As I write this, one of the leading magazines in the country has declared Raheel Sharif their person of the year.

It makes sense too. Sharif, a relative unknown a year ago has changed the paradigm of Pakistani politics. Those who, for a decade, have never ceased to talk about “our wayward brothers”, have now suddenly developed a lust for Taliban blood. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg – on paper, this last year, Raheel Sharif took on the Taliban, the civilian government and the “independent” media; and won every battle.

Or at least that’s what the narrative suggests. We have learned that no one – absolutely no one – has the power to build and alter narratives quite like our brothers in khaki can.

One of the two writers of this bracket was convinced that Raheel Sharif would be one of the three favourites for the tournament, but he was shown the light by the other. Sharif took on Geo and yet Geo is still one of the leading channels in the country, despite a whole summer of ostracising. He took on Nawaz and returned with not even a soft coup. He, thankfully, took on the Taliban, but the year ends with more checkposts and fear than it started with.

Perhaps, if December 2014 really does turn out to be “the turning point” we can talk about him being one of the great winners, but right now, he is the COAS equivalent of Shahid Afridi, supremely popular and populist yet when you scratch the surface, you aren’t exactly filled with confidence.

The problem for Raheel is that he isn’t just taking on Imaan Sheikh, he is also taking on his predecessors: how Musharraf challenged Geo, how every COAS has dealt with civilian governments, and so on. Surely, his achievements should be judged based on the infrastructure he has at his disposal.

Those that claimed that Kayani was a genius for not attacking the Taliban and letting the civilians and media be, are now calling Raheel a genius for attacking the Taliban and finally taking the civilians and media to task; sadly for the Army fanboys, it doesn’t work like that.

But perhaps most importantly, on a head-to-head battle, Imaan managed something in 2014 that General Raheel Sharif and all his predecessors have always wanted to do – she conquered India.

So, almost as a matter of principle, Imaan Sheikh advances; and for once in Pakistan the farishtas can’t change the result.

Winner: Imaan Sheikh

Aamir Liaquat vs Gullu Butt

Last year’s champion, the epitome of all that is modern middle class Pakistani against everything that middle class despises, Aamir Liaquat started the year as the undisputed king of Pakistani television – here was a man who had survived scandals ranging from allegedly propagating the killing of minorities to making a sailor blush with the bite of his tongue. Not literally, of course.

But 2014 was a year too far for him – collateral in the khakis v Jang group battle, he switched over to Express but never could regain his Geo shine. Fahad Mustafa suddenly became the Ramazan posterboy and ALH was left trying to force-feed mangoes to his guests.

His decline can be best illustrated by the fact that his explanatory tirade, using the crutch of classism, to defend the “aam khayega aam” episode, somehow felt less convincing than when he’d tried to defend giving babies away on live television.

When force-feeding becomes more difficult to explain than baby trafficking, then you’ve had a bad year.

His year-end beef with Junaid Jamshed earned him some brownie points but alas, last year’s champion just stagnated as others improved (on a sidenote, Pakistan: where religious televangelists have beefs reminiscent of '90s hip hop). He was once the pioneer, now he’s just one in a crowd, and not even someone that stands out particularly.

On the other hand Gullu Butt became the breakthrough star of the year – a man, a state of being, an insult and a confirmation of all our biases; he obviously goes through, and it’s gonna be hard stopping him, especially with that cane in his hand.

So with yet another shock, 2013’s winner is 2014’s first round casualty. 2014 is indeed looking in rip-roaring form.

Winner: Gullu Butt

Reham Khan vs ASWJ

Reham Khan managed a low-key and graceful entry into Pakistan’s rabid mediasphere earlier this year, hosting her own show on Dawn News, having previously worked as a weather girl at the BBC. Her understated style won her quite a few fans, and that might have been enough to grab a spot on this list given how so many other major anchors had forgettable or disastrous years.

But what really shoved her into the spotlight, in an ultimately classless way, were the incessant rumours that she had been secretly married to PTI chief and forever-most-eligible-bachelor, Imran Khan. The rumours would often have Imran’s tigers and tigresses hissing in anger and envy, while tabloids from the Indus to the Thames added all sorts of conjecture to their column inches.

Throughout it all, Reham dealt with the unremitting intrusiveness and innuendo in a dignified way, which is good for her as a person, but no match for the poisonous Ahle-Sunna Wal Jamaa aka Sipah-e-Sahaba aka notorious extremist killers. After being courted by all and sundry in the 2013 elections, the ASWJ spent the last twelve months ruthlessly expanding their scope for murder, but also plumping up as allies for all sorts of important people in Pakistan.

Unfortunately, this was always going to be a win for the ASWJ.

Winner: ASWJ

Fahad Mustafa vs Omar Shahid

For anyone currently aged over thirty and hailing from Karachi, the idea of a novel calling out the oppression and dadagiri of the MQM would have sounded impossible for most of their lives. The mere ability of The Prisoner to exist is in itself no mean feat. Written by Omar Shahid Hamid, a top ranking ex-cop from the city, it does a fascinating job in creating a context for the murky politics and violence that occur as various power centers jostle for control of the city.

Equally significantly, the book does a great job in putting together a narrative of the much maligned, much targeted Karachi police. The Prisoner was a pulsating and revelatory read (though rather average in terms of writing style).

However, despite lauding bravery, the world rewards the entertainer far more, and no one had the sort of year in entertainment that Fahad Mustafa did – not only was he a refreshing change in his super hit Ramazan show, but he also translated his successful TV career into being the star of the year’s biggest cinematic hit.

So this one goes to Fahad.

Winner: Fahad Mustafa

Najam Sethi vs Saba Imtiaz

There is a feeling that last year’s exercise in determining a winner for the year was hopelessly flawed since Najam Sethi wasn’t even included in the nominees.

2013 was a year where Sethi sahab came across as a genuine Renaissance Man. 2014 was far quieter for him, as there was a cooling down in the controversies arising from his role as caretaker Chief Minister of Punjab in the 2013 elections, as well as his position as PCB chairman.

Saba Imtiaz, on the other hand had a breakout year, as the Karachi-based journalist released her novel “Karachi! You’re Killing Me” which showcased the enigmatic city through the framework of a Bridget Jones-inspired narrative.

Saba, who had spent several years reporting on some of Karachi’s most notorious and pressing social and political issues, was unapologetic about her fun, brash novel being branded as ‘chick-lit’, and judging by the Google rankings, her book was certainly talked about the most out of any release this year.

But for all of that, Najam Sethi managed to hold off challenges from far more resourceful competitors, and so he wins this one as well.

Winner: Najam Sethi

Hamza Ali Abbasi vs Asrar

When the year began, Asrar was a musician that the internet-hipsters knew about, but wasn’t quite on anyone else’s radar.

With the mainstream no longer existent in Pakistan and quality music increasingly relegated to niches on the internet, the sheer breadth of Asrar’s journey is remarkable. Appearing in this year’s Coke Studio, his song Sab Akho Ali Ali was one of the season’s breakout hits. More than just being a voice, Asrar oozed the confidence and aura of a the pro contemporary Pakistani rockstar.

Given how central music is to Pakistani culture, that is no mean feat. And yet, music is increasingly the Cinderella of the media landscape – and the pre-Prince Charming Cinderella at that. The lazy stepsisters have been getting all the hype, money and attention while no one respects music. TV and increasingly, Film is where its at these days, and riding on the warm afterglow of his star turns in Waar and Main Hoon Shahid Afridi last year, Hamza Ali Abbasi really upped the ante in 2014.

For all of Asrar’s talent and charisma, the world is a shallow place and Hamza is the winner.

Winner: Hamza Ali Abbasi

So that’s the end of Round One, where we are left with Mubasher Lucman, Imaan Sheikh, Gull Butt, Fahad Mustafa, ASWJ, Misbah-ul-Haq and Hamza Ali Abbasi as the winners. Each of these now make it into the Round of 16, where the top-ranked nominees await them.

Now, on to the Round of 16.

Round of 16

The previous round saw quite a few upsets, with last year’s winner Aamir Liaquat unceremoniously butted out by Gullu Butt. Another shocker was Imaan Sheikh defeating General Raheel Sharif, who was Man of the Year for lesser discerning publications, but was a first-round exit for us.

But the true heavyweight clashes start now, so let’s get on with it.

Fahad Mustafa v Meera’s Sex Tape

In 2014, the television industry finally shed its need to incorporate religion into Ramazan shows, and embraced its destiny. In Pakistan, TV and Ramazan are just commercial enterprises, and it was good to see both accepting that.

Moreover, Pakistan also had its first proper masala movie in the post-Khuda Ke Liye age. Waar was brilliant as long as you were a launda of a certain kind, Zinda Bhaag too was special, but Na Maloom Afraad is probably where our new cinema will end up taking its inspiration from. Apparently, you can make a commercial, popular movie while still appealing to several demographics.

And at the centre of all this was Fahad Mustafa. A struggling actor that one couldn’t even recognise a year ago was now the leader of two paradigm shifts in the country. He beat Aamir Liaquat AND Shaan this year (one tends to forget that NMA was released on the same day, Eid, as Shaan’s O21) and he did that all while looking like the boy next door.

What’s more, in his final Ramazan show he had Junaid Jamshed, a proper heavyweight on his own, as his sidekick on the show – Junaid Jamshed as a sidekick! He also stole the movie that had a typically excellent Javed Sheikh, Urwa Hocane doing the perfect girl next door AND a Mehwish Hayat item song.

But if Fahad was reviving traditional media, Meera breathed life into a new one. Her sex tape made WhatsApp a ubiquitous app and also became the first viral video that did not need Youtube or any of its replacements. Meera’s video was a harbinger of the future.

And perhaps best of all, Meera said that video was a fake since it was made by people wearing masks of her and her husband. Yep, she said that.

Meera’s Sex Tape wins.

Winner: Meera’s Sex Tape

Hamza Ali Abbasi vs Malala

After doing the sidekick routine in 2013’s biggest hits – Waar and Main Hoon Shahid Afridi – Hamza decided to be the main man in 2014.

Over the past year, Pyaray Afzal became the biggest hit in the country produced this side of Anatolia, and he was announced as the lead in the remake of Maula Jatt.

But along with film and TV, Hamza also managed to land a starring role in the year’s biggest media hit – the Azadi March. Showing up regularly in the Islamabad dharnas, Hamza was soon a regular on the most important stage in Pakistan – the container.

As for his opponent, Malala remains the best representative that Pakistan has ever had abroad (well, at least since Patras Bokhari). And Hamza Ali Abbasi was amongst the many, many idiots who questioned her veracity, and indulged in the tiresome ‘what-about-Edhi’ debate. Soon after the Nobel win, people were tweeting screenshots of Hamza’s Facebook status, which was edited several times to go from all-out hostility to cautious compliments.

Hamza’s edits were testament to the power of that wonderful girl, and how her message is only gaining in strength. Also, just in case the fanboys get upset, a reminder that Abbasi won the ARY Film Award for Best Supporting Actor while Malala won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Game, set, match to Ms Yousufzai.

Winner: Malala

Mubasher Lucman vs Imran

A proper heavyweight fight this. The most popular man on Pakistani social media, whose keyboard warriors stop at nothing to defend him and gleefully look to sully the names of his opponents; whose stock hasn’t looked to dip in forever versus a guy called Imran Khan.

Somehow, it feels appropriate that these two would face each other since both of them owe a lot of their success this year to each other.

Imran was the morally right crusader taking the stand against the corrupt elite from atop a container in Islamabad. Lucman was the morally right crusader taking the long stand against the corrupt elite from a studio in Islamabad.

Both tried to distance themselves from their own pasts with those corrupt elites (although it was easier for one than the other), and yet, both were successful in doing that not just with their fans but with the general public as well.

Obviously, Imran wins, because Imran could still have had the same year he had without Lucman, but Lucman couldn’t have had his greatest successes without Imran.

Despite the loss, he deserves infinite (and grudging) credit for reinventing himself this year. It’s barely two years since he proved to be the very worst of Pakistani media – the very embodiment of lifafa culture – and yet he’s now a crusader against all those things. The same lot that once posted his videos with Malik Riaz now post all of his exposes regarding that corrupt elite while presenting him to be some sort of a cross between Edward Snowden and Stephen Colbert.

This is the sort of reinvention that Prince would be proud of.

Alas, it’s not enough to beat Imran, who marches on.

Winner: Imran Khan

Pakistan hockey vs Gullu Butt

It was a year of transformation for both of these competitors and a year when they both touched the extremes. Gullu Butt went from being given space by a cordon of police officers to unfurl his his artistic side, to being put in prison for a decade. Pakistan hockey started the year having failed, for the first time in its storied history, to qualify for the IHF World Cup and ended it by reaching their first final of the Champions Trophy in sixteen years – it’s been an extraordinary journey.

The story of Pakistan hockey this year is one of neglect. Perhaps the only people left blameless from this are the ones who’ve had to share the most abuse – the players. The PHF, a body which can afford to have a cavalcade of cars at its headquarters, could not find the money to send the team to the Champions Trophy, and thus a private sponsor had to step in.

And yet, despite all these obstacles, they managed to beat the world no. 2 and longtime nemesis Netherlands in the quarterfinal (how they got there is another story altogether). Then after three days of unrelenting and unprecedented pressure, they won the biggest match of their lives by beating India, in India, with a second last minute winner.

It could have been the moment that Pakistan hockey finally awoke from its stupor and realised its potential.

Instead, the hockey became a sideshow to the insane amount of sensationalising and hysteria that accompanied their ‘vigorous’ celebrations. The reactions were certainly over-the-top and in one case dangerously rude, but how that became the lead story ahead of Pakistan’s biggest win over India this year (and I include cricket in this) is a lesson in how to mess up even when you’ve won.

Gullu Butt advances here because the PHF let the players down. As it always will.

Winner: Gullu Butt

Fawad Khan vs Misbahul Haq

In 2013, Misbah was putting up superhuman numbers in ODIs and doing well in Tests, but his team kept going nowhere. In 2014, he seemed to have lost all form in coloured clothing and spent almost the entire year with his captaincy under open threat from a Shahid Afridi coup.

Yet, he also secured his legacy as one of Pakistan’s great Test captains by securing the most number of wins as captain. The fact that the record was hastened by a thrashing of Australia – twenty years overdue – was spectacular. And finally, Misbah really took the cake by smashing records for the fastest Test 50 and 100. But the detractors continued to harp and moan, and Misbah’s record in away matches was a legitimate concern.

All of that is a problem in this matchup, since Fawad Khan racked up some great numbers with his away form. His film, Khoobsurat, did well in India but really took Pakistan, and several other diaspora-friendly locations by storm. And while Misbah’s exploits were not enough to oust his apparent nemesis (rhymes with Gafridi), Fawad Khan comfortably outdid all the other Pakistanis making their splash in B-Town in the recent past.

Goodbye Misbah.

Winner: Fawad Khan

Shahid Afridi vs Imaan Sheikh

Up until May this year, Imaan was a well-known blogger on the Pakistani internet, a title which at its best meant very little, and even lesser a few years ago.

In the final few days of 2013, Imaan had posted a meme-laden rewind of the Bollywood mega-hit Dhoom 3.

Her post went viral, which was a big deal but not quite Taher Shah or Awais Lovely. But in May, Imaan posted a rewind of the '90s classic Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, and suddenly the floodgates opened. Like the Beatles invading America, Imaania swept across India, where comedy has always been a struggling art compared to us.

Suddenly, Imaan was being interviewed in newspapers and credited for perfecting, if not creating, the modern movie review format. With her prowess in reimagining Bollywood scenes in LOLspeak, Imaan was Kubrick-like in her mastery with GIFs. The newly launched Buzzfeed India snapped her up faster than a chest-piece at a shaadi dinner, and Imaan’s movie reviews on the site were central to its virulence. By the end of 2014, Imaan joined top-rated anchors and unrateable politicians in having the coveted blue-tick mark appear next to her social media profile.

Of course, her competitor could take one look at her success in India, and legions of newly found fraanshippers, and dismiss it with a whip of his peroxide hair.

After all, Imaan’s posts never hit Ashwin for two last-over sixes. It might be possible to defeat the Chief of Army Staff in Pakistan, as Imaan did in the last round, but it’s almost impossible to stop Afridi.

Winner: Shahid Afridi

#GoNawazGo vs ASWJ

The ASWJ is like the hero’s wretched and unlikeable friend in a rom-com who is assimilated and accepted by the film’s climax, even though the plot doesn’t really explain how.

From being a banned organisation, and still being an unabashed killer of Shias, ASWJ moved front and centre into the Pakistani mainstream, with at least three stunning symbolic wins:

The first was when Geo took on the ISI, and they were (allegedly) at the front of the pro-ISI protests. Then they were officially part of the massive counter-rally held in Islamabad to support the sitting government. And finally, their clout in Karachi began to increase to the point that the city’s erstwhile theykadars, the MQM, seemed to have cut deals with them.

While such success wouldn’t be bad for a conventional right-wing party, it is deplorable and shocking that an unapologetic terrorist mob has managed to do the same. The ASWJ were leading the post-Peshawar grieving and promises of retribution, and they were holding out rallies in defence of the beleaguered Abdul Aziz when Jibran Nasir took him on.

But while it could’ve beaten most other challengers, it is squared up against one of THE phenomenons of the year. #GoNawazGo was transcendental in 2014, and thankfully, the ASWJ hasn’t reached that stage yet.

Winner: #GoNawazGo

Najam Sethi vs Sajjad Ali

Two big names and yet a rather low-key clash between the two of them. Sajjad Ali can easily take the route of his few remaining peers and rehash old classics or sing cookie-cutter songs for brands, but to his great credit, he refuses to do so.

This was another year of some great songs by the maestro, who marked a return to Coke Studio and released the brilliant Chaar Kabootar for the OST of Namaloom Afraad.

But his biggest hit in terms of plays on Soundcloud was his reworking of Hur Zulm for Coke Studio, and it was a sad reminder that mainstream audiences are extremely averse to anything but the nostalgic and the familiar. A clear example of that was the fact that a host of mediocre tracks for OSTs of dramas were bigger hits during the year in terms of play counts online.

Najam Sethi’s year grabbed even fewer headlines than Sajjad Ali, but his star remained on the up. His triumphs in both fighting off the civil war in the PCB as well as bringing short-term stability to Pakistan’s floundering place in the global game were carried off without too much fanfare, an achievement in itself.

Sajjad’s year was more poignant and heroic, but Najam Sethi's had more wins.

Winner: Najam Sethi

Quarterfinals

Shahid Afridi vs Gullu Butt

Two men who understand the value of mindless but overt violence more than most, and both are smarter than their greatest GIFs would suggest.

For a decade, we’ve talked about being Afridi, or being a Pathan, as a state of being. This year, Gullu Butt became both a euphemism and representation for a different state of being.

What happened in Gujranwala or Faisalabad either side of the Islamabad dharna was a certain part of the N-league network doing what they’ve done for decades – being Gullu Butts. This year, was the coming out party for the Butt mindset and the proverbial Indian summer for the Afridian.

On paper, it seems an obvious victory for Afridi. He played the key role in two of the greatest recent ODI wins against India and Bangladesh in the Asia Cup but it was what he did off the field that really stood out. This really was the year Afridi laid the foundations for conquering the country after his final retirement. He built a hospital in Kohat, his partnership with Haier produced the desired results and his meeting with the political and military elite showed his star power.

But the year ended with Afridi failing to get what he covets most, the captaincy, despite his best Machiavellian machinations. Gullu Butt ended the year on bail for an 11-year sentence, but he too has laid the foundation of being the overlord someday in the future.

At this stage of the bracket, it’s the smallest differences which decide contests – Butt didn’t lose anything in particular, Afridi failed to catch his Moby Dick.

Gullu wins.

Winner: Gullu Butt

Imran Khan vs Fawad Khan

Those who have seen and outraged against Homeland’s current season would have a clear idea of the deplorable way in which Pakistan is depicted in the American media.

But while the American dalliance with our country has been stop-start, Pakistani stereotypes are far better developed and more diverse in the once-colonial world.

The impossibly sexy, exotic Pakistani male was a title Imran Khan has enjoyed since his heyday, while Fawad Khan seems to have done the same in India at least. Khoobsurat was a triumph in all that it avoided – it wasn’t banned, it didn’t get any fatwas, and it didn’t tank miserably. There were no burnt effigies or claims of illicit affairs, and instead the film turned around a profit, and was arguably the most successful crossover for a Pakistani actor in Bollywood.

Fawad’s greater triumph might have been the screening of Humsafar in India, which could go a long way towards securing his status as a heartthrob.

But there is only one Khan in Pakistan these days who matters, and no amount of smouldering pouts by Fawad can change that. Imran starred in and (at least officially) directed his own blockbuster, and despite a plot full of holes and an unsatisfactory climax, it was the biggest hit of the summer.

The very fact that Imran at 62 is competing with Fawad for being the most likely target for a teenager’s crush is testament to his prowess. Kaptaan with an unequivocal win in this one.

Winner: Imran Khan

#GoNawazGo vs Meera Sex Tape

Here’s a matchup that really puts this competition to the test. Two of 2014’s biggest and most pervasive hits, two entities which were very much of this age we live in, where the ability to disrupt and infect an idea matters more than its larger context.

For example, the sex tape has been around for a decade as a global genre, and one where the person who is possibly the victim of a leak is perceived to have engineered the leak themselves, largely because of the intense attention that it invariably generates.

As noted previously, Meera and Captain Naveed’s defense was outrageous, claiming that the participants onscreen had worn masks. However, given that Aamir Liaquat used only a slightly more sophisticated excuse to explain his nazuk surat-e-haals, perhaps not as surprising.

Meera's video clip marked the national moment where the audience was unfazed enough to move past the gratuity and view it with an ironic or mocking detachment. “Jaanu take off that shirt” genuinely became a pop culture reference, and the entire tape was viewed as a deliberate performance.

But ultimately, this tape was also a typical 15-minute moment – it would define the year, but not the next one. #GoNawazGo also defined 2014, but it was both the product of a contemporary tradition – Go Amreeka/Musharraf/Zardari Go – and also began to exist beyond its immediate context.

The best examples were the phenomenal videos of apoplectic foreigners, channeling their own grievances and frustrations to exhort the Pakistani Prime Minister to resign.

On just viarlity alone, this one goes to #GoNawazGo

Winner: Go Nawaz Go

Najam Sethi vs Malala Yousufzai

Najam Sethi has sort of hobbled into the quarterfinals, aided by two relatively low-key battles with Saba and Sajjad.

It seemed that he would struggle at some point in the draw, and coming up against the #2 seed is just about as difficult as it gets. It doesn’t help that the channel he is part of had a terrible year, which is a rarity, and his main field of interest these days, the cricket team, is about as crazy and thankless as it gets.

Fighting off Zaka Ashraf and melting into the background while remaining influential were both star turns, and the deals with India for two tours are the most opulent of mirages for the future.

But the soft coup of having the Kenyans over for a series backfired spectacularly when the Peshawar attacks happened, and the decision not to postpone Pakistan’s ODI versus New Zealand was callous and poorly handled.

However, there is no shame in losing to someone who embodies one of Pakistan’s most enduring cricketing myths – that teenager from some remote area who rose to change the world.

Malala Yousufzai’s decision to not bunk classes despite having the world’s best excuse – Ma’am can I be excused, I just won the Nobel Peace Prize – was enough to defeat most people in this competition. A cakewalk here for her.

Winner: Malala Yousufzai

Semi Finals

Imran Khan vs Gullu

Imran Khan is forever associated with winning. The cricket World Cup? He won that. A cancer hospital that treats patients for free? He won that. A tsunami of justice and corruption? He won that. What gets forgotten quite easily about Imran is that his wins always come after chastening defeats.

The 1992 World Cup was won, but the 1987 one was lost in front of Imran’s adoring home crowd who had expected him to win it, the same crowd which would fail to elect him from his home in an election 26 years later that he was widely expected to sweep.

And so while he took his container-siege far longer than anyone thought possible, and managed to end it with the perception of gracefulness, 2014 was ultimately not a win for Imran. Trying to defeat a party with a resounding majority just a year into its rule was admirably ambitious, but despite doing his best, Imran came away with nothing.

Still, surely, it should be enough to defeat Gullu Butt? After all, Gullu Butt came to personify everything that Imran was railing against, and he soon became another one of Kaptaan’s pop-culture capturing creations. What truly validated Gullu Butt’s phenomenon was that there were soon a host of other ones, the imitators – Nomi, Pomi and Billu amongst others. Then, apart from being the source of a million memes, he also had a restaurant named and created in his spirit.

And with it started get clearer how Gullu had gotten bigger than just a rally cry. If #GoNawazGo distilled a general discontent with authority, then Gullu Butt was the personification of how the smaller provinces perceived the Noon government in particular, and Punjabis in general – large, rowdy, comical levels of testosterone and slightly dim.

And while we can credit Imran Khan for contextualising him, we must remember that this was Imran’s biggest achievement of the year.

And while from a cultural perspective it is a huge one, the skipper had set himself much grander targets this year. And so, in a shock, it is Gullu Butt who defeats Immy K.

Winner: Gullu Butt

GoNawazGo vs Malala:

While it is a cliché now to talk about how much Pakistanis hate Malala, the sheer scale and speed of her journey across the Pakistani mainstream was remarkable.

Last year, when Malala was nominated, not only was there a relentless bombardment of “what about Edhi”, there was almost no public ownership of her heroism and widespread condemnation.

Yet, when she won the award with Kailash Satyagrari this year, the congratulations from the establishment came thick and fast, most notably perhaps (given his base), by Imran Khan.

Yes, there was the asinine “I am not Malala Day”, but this year it was people like those who were the loony fringe, rather than Malala supporters being called that.

Of course, this is not to say that she is some massively popular symbol in Pakistan, but the change she accomplished was remarkable precisely because she did not seek to change it directly. Instead, she kept being who she was, and the haters were forced to come around.

But the genius of her rival in this round, #GoNawazGo, is that it crystallises all sorts of hater-behaviour into one catchphrase.

Plumber hasn’t shown up despite promising to do so? #GoNawazGo.
Bae’s mom thinks you’re not a good match? #GoNawazGo.
Failed chemistry again this year? #GoNawazGo.

And it wasn’t all Nawaz Sharif’s fault or the PTI’s genius alone – Go XYZ Go has such a long history in Pakistan now that we don’t even need to correct the fact that this is usually a slogan meant to support someone.

From Amreeka to Musharraf and via Zardari, #GoNawazGo is about channeling all your frustrations into an amorphous mass of blame that place on the shoulders of the guy supposed to be running the country.

So infectious was it that people started writing #GoNawazGo on fruits, baby bottoms and just about every currency on the planet. Each of those protests were articulations of anger that Nawaz often had little to do with, but that was why this slogan was such a hit.

The fact, however, is that the reason behind its rise will also be the reason for its fall – #GoNawazGo was huge, but it will be overtaken by whoever is in charge next, and was forever driven by a vague sense of frustration in the first place. It doesn’t even hope to compare to the courageous clarity of Malala, and she takes this win.

Winner: Malala Yousufzai

Final

Gullu Butt vs Malala Yousufzai

So here were are. The final of Who Won Pakistan in 2015 pits its most famously viral person-as-icon versus its most polarising person-of-substance.

On the one hand, Gullu Butt swept the popular imagination, and captured not just a contemporary political issue, but a much wider sense of resentment and misunderstood perceptions of the majority province. On the other hand, Malala became the reason that millions of Pakistanis flying to international destinations would have something to finally change the topic when the airport security looks at their passports.

Gullu Butt was the Pakistan all Pakistanis think the rest are like, while Malala was the Pakistan that most Pakistanis can’t agree that they should be like.

Gullu Butt was violence, but sanitised, TV-friendly, almost inconsequential violence. It was the sort of violence that was bad enough to be referenced in political debates and hilarious enough to put up on memes. Malala was agenda, whether it was her own tireless crusade to force us to give up our criminal negligence towards education, or viewed as an imposition of foreign thoughts by those who struggle to give up western ‘innovations’ themselves, like the computer, smart phone and the internet, which instead serve as a pulpit for their contradiction.

As you can see by our choices so far, we have avoided sentimentality in adjudicating these matchups. After all, the patently obnoxious Amir Liaquat won this last year.

But despite Gullu Butt’s giant-slaying in previous rounds, he doesn’t hope to stand a chance against Malala.

Gullu Butt, for all his current ubiquity, is a symbol of a slightly simpler past, when ‘miscreants’ resembled pehelwans, and not Baitullah. And as much as he is the incarnation of a certain Punjabi bumpkin stereotype, as a symbol there is only so far he can go.

Malala Yousufzai, who is still a teenager, has a long way to go yet, but she’s already overcome a fantastic amount.

After all, long before Aitzaz Hasan and the children of Army Public School, Pakistan used to claim that terrorists don’t attack schoolchildren. They would claim that Malala had staged being shot in the head herself, and that she wanted to bring a bad name to Pakistan. Fortunately, such parhay-likhay jahil are not the ones who need her as an inspiration.

In a country where the majority is under the age of 25, Malala is a symbol of fighting for something simple and essential for any society. She has shown not only the remarkable courage of young Pakistanis, but also shown that a young Pakistani girl can do more about the image of her country than a multitude of expensively remunerated politicians and strategists can.

Indeed, it will become increasingly hard to discuss why Pakistan doesn’t celebrate Malala, because she has become a hero for the world. Those who still can’t see that are advised to make provisions for a breathing apparatus as they continue to bury their head in the sand.

Winner of 2014: Malala Yousufzai