Dear Auntie,

I am writing to you, not because I don’t have understanding people around me but because I want some different advice. Most of the people advise me to deal with it and some say ‘it’s because they love you’. The latter is very irritating.

I am not sure how to say this without sounding like a complete brat. I have always been a goody-two shoes, at least when compared to my other teenage friends. It’s not like I wanted to be a goody-two shoes. It’s because I am the daughter of my parents. My parents consider it my duty to be a goody-two shoes. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and dad. But I feel too caged when I am with them. And I am not exaggerating.

I am 15 years old, but I don’t listen to songs, never watched a single TV serial, do not own a cell phone and have never gone out with my friends. Not because I don’t want to, but because I am not allowed to. I have a lot of older sisters and my parents raised them the same way they are raising me. But I think they should understand that I am from a different era. My home feels like a battlefield. Everybody is fighting to gain the upper hand. All they ever do is study their eyes off.

My friends make fun of me, because they think I am too stupid not to stand up to my parents. And as a result of being tortured with this ‘bullying’ I have absolutely no self-confidence left. I want to know if there is any way to get out of these repetitive days of embarrassment.

Warrior

Dear Daughter,

One of the major reasons parents don’t allow you to do things they are not comfortable with is because they think you will end up asking for more privileges. Perhaps you should make a list of privileges that you want such as being able to go to a friend’s house twice a month or watching a particular non-controversial show on TV, etc. or limited use of a cell phone or settling for a non-Smartphone to begin with. Do not rush and ask for too many privileges at once. For every privilege that you ask for — and I suggest you start with one thing — think of ways to convince your parents about why you deserve it and how you will make sure you won’t abuse this privilege. Also think of the consequences that you will face if you break their trust. Do not compare your friends’ lives compare to yours because your parents don’t care how other people live their lives and that’s usually not very convincing anyway.

When talking to the parents make sure you remain calm and acknowledge that their fears are legitimate. We don’t live in a very safe country and your parents’ fears are very well founded. Maybe you could limit your socialising to hanging out with one particular friend at her house rather than at a restaurant or a mall. Whatever privileges you have asked for, be willing to compromise if your parents want to negotiate.

Maybe you could induct the help of an adult or a sister who is married who can talk to your parents about letting you take some decisions by yourself and also to hang out with friends. The adult could explain to them that some socialising is an important part of your personal and social development. If your parents are afraid that you will make a mistake, they can be reminded that mistakes are part of growing up and no one grows up without making some.

Finally if you do manage to get some privileges, never ever break your parents’ trust and don’t get upset if your parents call you to check if you are okay.

And finally, it may not feel like it, but your parents are doing this because they do have your best interest at heart.

Dear Auntie,

I am a 24-year-old guy who is in love with my neighbour, while my first cousin is in love with me and we are in contact with each other for the last five years. The problem is that my cousin is 27 years old and has a good nature. My neighbour is sixteen years old, intelligent and more beautiful than my cousin.

Both love me very much and I can’t leave any one of them. I am worried because while my parents are not agreeing to let me marry my neighbour, they have agreed to let me marry my cousin.

Auntie I like my neighbour very much and in future I won’t be able to face my neighbour if I get married to my cousin. What should I do?

Torn between two women

Dear Ladies’ Man,

At the moment Auntie thinks you should put marriage on the backburner. Confusion is absolutely the worst state possible to be marrying anyone in and it is a sure road to disaster. So for the time being tell your parents that you do not want to marry anyone right now.

From your letter it is clear that you think of marrying your cousin as an obligation, while your heart is pretty much set on your neighbour. You feel like you cannot let down your cousin just because she is family and also your parent’s choice. While the neighbour is the one your heart is naturally inclined towards. You also seem more worried about your neighbour’s feeling than your cousin’s.

In any case, could you try and get some distance from these two girls? This would allow you to get clearer about what you want in a partner and hopefully help you make a fairly objective assessment of what you like about these two girls and what you don’t like.

Also I hope you know that your 16-year-old neighbour is still underage?

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, December 14th, 2014