If Harry Potter had taken place in Pakistan
Recently, Buzzfeed came out with a list of 68 things that would’ve gone differently if Harry Potter had taken place in India.
Although, some of them apply to Pakistan too, we like to do things a little differently. In response, here are:
68 things that would have gone differently had Harry Potter taken place in Pakistan instead.
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All elders would refer to Harry as Harry Putter.
All the other kids at school would be jealous of Harry for having his own room. Even if it was a closet under the stairs.
Hogwarts would be shut half the time from dharnas by Professor Snape asking for an inquiry into the selection of the Defence of the Dark Arts Professors every year.
Snape would demand for Dumbledore’s resignation.
Dumbledore would have been the head of Jamiat-e-Islaami.
Your Hogwarts acceptance letter would get lost in the post.
The government would issue Arabs licenses to hunt the post owls in Pakistan.
Half-bloods would be declared kaafir.
Ron and Hermoine’s story line would be used as an example of why you should not send your daughter’s to co-education schools. "Humari Larki first atee thi, uss larkay say milnay say pehley!".
The ministry of magic would enter into negotiations with the death eaters and Lord Voldemort.
The Weasley family would be seen as the average family. Every other family would be judged for not having enough children.
Dobby’s parents would constantly greet him with “Haye kitnay kamzoor hogaye ho, kuch khatay nahee ho kya school mai?”
Dobby would be hired by restaurants to open the door for customers.
The Floo network would be replaced by a Metro Bus Project.
The Hogwarts express would never run on time.
The wall on Platform 9¾ would be plastered with “Yahan peshab karna mana hai.”
Rita Skeeter’s column in the Daily Prophet would be called Khara Sach.
Rita Skeeter would be labelled a lifafa journalist.
Mamnoon Hussain would go to Hufflepuff; the house that does nothing.
A koonda would be set up to provide lighting for Quidditch matches.
Your maasi would complain to your mother about you constantly playing Quidditch and damaging her favourite jharoo.
Najam Sehti’s chirya would teach the Astronomy class. Its prediction about Imran Khan and Nawaz Sharif would be made famous…”for neither can live while the other survives.”
People would be hanging out of and sitting on top of the knight bus. On the back of the bus it would also say “Ma kee dua, janat kee hawa.”
Diagon Alley would be replaced by Sunday Bazaar. You would be able to get wands from China for a cheaper price.
The diary of Tom Riddle would sell at Sunday Bazaar for 50 Rupees.
The mirror of Erised would be replaced by a picture of your disapproving parents and pictures of potential rishtas.
Some of the moving portraits would be spray painted black.
The potions class would be renamed to Zubaida apa kay totkay.
The media would report disparaging on the ball dances. Asking the question, “Do boys and girls dancing at Hogwarts represent our culture?”
Nagini would be captured and be forced to perform at Sea View for 25 rupees.
Waqar Zaka would kiss Nagini as a dare.
The Malfoy family would be criticised for their VIP culture. Lucius Malfoy would be asked to leave the Hogwarts Express for boarding late.
The only kiss unmarried boys would have a chance to experience would be that by a dementor, especially Engineering students.
The Forbidden Forest would be cut down to sell the wood from the trees.
There would be constant escapes from Azkaban.
The dementors would take rishwat.
Head of the Ministry of Magic would be called Mr. 10 per cent.
People would burn shops at Hogsmeade after the death of Dumbledore. Slogans of 'Zinda hai Dumbledore' would become famous.
Moaning Myrtle would be declared haram.
Biryaani would be served at every feast at Hogwarts.
Harry would not accept the ruling of the court. He would declare the judiciary to be corrupt. 'Oye Cornelius Fudge, mai tumhay nahee choro ga!'
Witches would be confused whether to feel insulted or take it as a compliment every time they are referred to as “Haye, woh churail...”.
People would claim angels do not visit Hogwarts because Dumbledore keeps a three-headed dog there.
Cedric Diggory would be buried in a political party’s flag.
Hagrid would ride a Honda CD-70. Hagrid would appear in an ad saying, “Mai tay Honda hee lay sa.”
Everything would be blamed on a foreign agenda or bayrooni saazish.
The media would claim Lord Voldemort par dollars lagay huay hai.
Harry Potter would be called a very colourful word for going out with Ron Weasley’s sister.
Ali Hamza would make a song on that.
There would be a giant ludo board instead in the chamber of secrets to guard it.
Remus Lupin would be ostracised for being a veishee bheriya.
Sirius Black would be constantly given fairness creams. Everyone would call him Sirius kala.
The Triwizard tournament would be called the Prime Minister’s Triwizard tournament.
The winner of the Triwizard tournament would be handed a laptop.
Dumbledore’s Army would attempt a coup at the Ministry of Magic.
Professor Snape would be referred to as baaghi.
Your mother would blow all the spells she knows onto you before you go for school.
Hogwarts would be called the Hogwarts Grammar School.
Molly and Arthur Weasley would insist on meeting Hermoine Granger’s parents.
Love potions would be the most popular potions. Ever. Seriously.
Centaurs would be used to ride on to play Polo. Shandur Top Festival Centaur Polo festival would be inaugurated.
Butterbear would be made by Murree Brewery; it would be illegal but still be available everywhere.
Girls would constantly get owls with messages that say, “Will you friendship me?”
A peer baba would be called to do an exorcism on Luna Lovegood. “Bachi par jihnn char gaya hai.”
Ron’s rat, Scabbers would be killed by giving it food infested with rat poison.
Harry Potter and Cho Chang’s relationship would be held up as the best example of Pak-China friendship.
Despite saving the world, Ron and Hermoine’s parents would criticise them for dropping out of school in their final year.
The religious political parties would be the keepers in our Quidditch teams. They are very good at not letting anything pass.
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Shehzad Ghias is a Pakistani comedian and theatre actor, currently doing improv and stand up shows in New York and pursuing a Masters in Theatre degree on a Fulbright.
He tweets at @Shehzad89. Find out more about him here.
