Enter the heroes

Published November 2, 2014
— Illustration by Abro
— Illustration by Abro

Gringo Media Puffs (GMP) is a group of superheroes operating in the cities of Pakistan. They advocate tolerance through intolerance and the glorification of qaumi ghairat (national pride) through free-style wrestling.

The GMP was formed through celestial intervention when in 2005 the angels of wrath unleashed a devastating earthquake in Kashmir due to the people’s liking for lewd movies and locally brewed delicacies.

This is when GMP gained a burst of popularity, asking people to repent, repent, repent (in between many commercial breaks).

GMP has shown great concern for the country’s political, social, economic, cultural, moral, sporting, judicial, nuclear, digital, physical, mental, intellectual, psychological, geological, geographical, biological, chemical and puritanical state of affairs.


They point and they pontificate; they get busy and gesticulate. They are the heroes we may not need and certainly do not deserve. They’re completely serious, even if this column isn’t…


Of course, anyone disagreeing with them is a dangerous fool on the payroll of Mian Nawaz Sharif, Asif Ali Zardari, Barack Obama and Madonna. Especially Madonna.

GMP’s biggest weapon is a devastating exploding device. It’s called the Chattering-Bomb. It is constructed with chunks of anarchic talk, mischievous innuendos, fact-free gabble, much paranoia and some awe-inspiring gossip. The group calls it ‘freedom of speech,’ though.

When these compounds are mixed they generate a reactionary effect that helps produce a condition used to crush a supreme enemy (i.e. common sense). This condition is called Nausea. So, unlike conventional exploding devices that go “ka-boom,” the Chattering-Bomb goes ‘ka-blugghhh!’

But I must add that the Chattering-Bomb is a fascinatingly unique device because it may devastate its target but never the bomber. It only makes him/her louder.

Another effective weapon that GMP possesses is intriguingly called Choti se break. Though its immediate translation is ‘a short break,’ this weapon’s technical name is Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. This device pops more than explodes, both suddenly and rudely. Its fuse maybe short but the break that it induces in the target’s patience can be devastatingly long (and entirely numbing). It’s actually anything but choti.

But the most violent weapon of the GMP remains to be a device called the Breaking News Grenade. It’s a small sized version of the Chattering-Bomb. It is indiscriminately hurled at the target even more suddenly and rudely than the Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. Though highly destructive, the Breaking News Grenade is surprisingly made with nothing more than hot air!

Thus, this grenade makes a lot of noise and is mainly used to impede the enemy’s senses and bring everything to a standstill, making the enemy believe that the Day of Judgment has arrived and it’s time to repent, repent, repent … and change your shampoo.

Over the years, GMP has gathered great power, presence and popcorn. It believes that a revolution is at hand in Pakistan and that it is GMP that will be leading it (with lots of commercial breaks).

That’s why most GMP leaders are wonderful speechmakers, passionately speeching instead of speaking, gallantly deforming instead of informing, and declaring war against infidel concepts such as objectivity, common sense, decency and whatever that’s kinda sorta boring.

Contrary to popular belief, the GMP has a tad more liberal side to it as well. This side is reflected by its cultural wing that consists of yapping androids that are fed battery burgers to further fatten their complete ignorance of yet another horrendous enemy: Reality. These androids usually do intellectual stuff called Morning Shows in smart sherwanis and shararas ghararas.

One of the biggest successes of the GMP has been the conversion of a guy called Moby Looks who was once an uncaring, bamboo-chomping film director and sugarcane farmer in Okara. Today he is a hero of the GMP. Speaking on the issue, he told this columnist: “Yo, man, like, I was a no-good dude, until the GMP picked me up, and, like, far out, man, I saw the light and then grew this really cool moustache, and like, told everybody to repent, repent, repent (in between commercial breaks) or, like, I’ll link you with the fall of Dhaka, Zia’s crash and 9/11 … .”

GMP’s history has been eventful. It believes it is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I mean, an intellectual meltdown, I mean, mental shutdown, I mean dialectic showdown with imperialist cognitive enemies — an act that will lead to a glorious Pious/Judicial/Fundamentalist/Socialist/Capitalist/Consu­merist/Bollywoodist revolution that will save Pakistan from the wrath of George, Gog, Magog and Madonna. Especially Madonna.

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, November 2nd, 2014

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