Hello Auntie,

I am a teenager. My parents got divorced recently and my friends still don’t know about it. I live with my Mom. Whenever my friends start a topic in which they talk about parents, I always try to show that I have a complete family, which I actually don’t. I don’t meet my dad or talk to him.

The thing which worries me is that, I can’t hide this anymore from my friends. Someday they will get to know that I belong to a broken family but I don’t have the courage to tell them myself right now. Maybe they’ll make fun of me or something? They’re happy with their families, but then there’s me, just trying to be happy. What to do? Please help.

Scared

Dear Brave,

Whether we like it or not separations and divorces are quite common these days, and most likely your friends know someone or the other has been through it. While you are not under any kind of obligation to tell anyone what your family is going through, the problem in your case is that you have begun lying about the situation and pretending that all is okay with your family. Your embarrassment and insecurity about the situation is understandable, but lies are burdens.

Try telling one or two of your closer friends the truth. Don’t make it a point to tell them that your parents are divorced, but if it comes up and you feel that the timing is right, then you can open up to them. Telling a close friend would also mean that you will be able to speak to someone about the problems you are facing in your situation.

Eventually you will be able to work this information into a conversation without cringing, even with people who you are not very close to. For instance, there are quite a few children from broken homes who give out that information without batting an eyelid. This is not to minimise the difficulties you are going through, but you should realise that you have ended up in this without any fault of yours and so if anyone judges you for it, the problem lies in their head and not with you.

Remember those who are good friends with you will be glad you told them and will support you. And those who misuse this information do not deserve your friendship.

Dear Khala,

I am a 35-year-old woman and I have a friend I met in school. We are both married now and are still very close. We call each other a lot even though we live in different cities. In the past few years I feel that she only talks about her problems and I am not able to say anything. It has come to the point where I dread her calls. I used to call her very regularly but now I don’t because I feel depressed after talking to her. She continues to call me regularly.

Now she is moving with her husband and children to my city and she will live with us before she finds and moves into her house. Her husband has already stayed with us when he came for his job search and interview. I am dreading their visit as I don’t know how long it will be before they find a house. I am also dreading the endless depressing talk that will begin when she gets here. I feel like I get nothing out of this friendship and I don’t think she would do as much as I do for her.

Friend

Dear Assert-yourself

Till you say something about this situation to your friend, things will just get more and more complicated. You continued to bear it when your friend made long whiny calls to you and put her husband up in the house. You talked to her when you didn’t want to and now she is moving into your house with her family till whenever she finds a house. By the time she is living in your city, you will have become her free babysitter and therapist. She will call you when she needs someone to pick up the children from school. All this will happen till you learn to say no to her.

Auntie for one hates red sherbets, but if she doesn’t tell people that she doesn’t like them, she will continue to get them served to her and who knows, some kind friend will drop a carton of red sherbets right before Ramazan, unless, of course, I say something. The point I am trying to make it that you should stop faking your emotions out of politeness.

So far your friend has been taking and taking and giving almost nothing in return and it is not working because you are very resentful. There has to be a deadline on how long she can stay in your house. Put a date on it and call her and tell her that date. Don’t get into long explanations and stick to the point when you call her and let her know she and her family must find a house by that date. It may seem like a difficult call to make, but it will save you a lifetime of unfair impositions when she moves here. Do it today.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, October 19th, 2014