Dear Khala,

I’m a 16-year-old girl and have a boyfriend for the past one year. I never wanted to be into such things, but I love this guy a lot. He cares for me, he said that if I go somewhere with him without asking my parents it won’t be good. He doesn’t want me to be out of my home after Maghrib unless it is because of my tuition or something related to studies. He encourages me to be a doctor and promises to marry me.

My problem is that I think that loving someone too much is not good. What if he leaves me? Who would care for me? I’m really worried that I love him this much. I just want to make sure if I’m right.

I know my problem is a bit weird but I really need a suggestion.

Love

Dear Girl,

If he leaves you, you will still have yourself and you will care for yourself. You will remind yourself to be home at a decent hour and to work towards getting good grades and becoming a doctor. And for that you have to start loving yourself the most.

By that Auntie doesn’t mean that you should become a self-obsessed narcissist. No one likes that. But think about the opposite. How do you feel around someone who does not like himself and who constantly criticises himself? Not too good.

To be loved is a very basic need for human beings, yet so many of us look so hard for love outside of ourselves that we forget to love ourselves. The fact is, if you do not have faith in yourself, you cannot expect anyone else to. If you cannot be devoted to yourself, you cannot expect someone to commit to you. If you are not secure, your partner cannot make you feel confident.

The younger you are when you realise that in the end the only person you can rely on is yourself, the better. Other people can move away, can lose interest in you, can change their priorities, can turn into someone you do not recognise and can even die. None of those things are in your control. The only thing you can control is your attitude towards yourself, so you might as well make it a loving one, regardless of how your friend or others declare their love for you.

Dear Auntie,

My husband’s sister lives abroad and has become very religious. She calls us very frequently and lectures us on religion. She repeatedly tells us about the things we should do with our lives so that we go to heaven. I know that she is right and that she has a lot of knowledge on the subject, but it gets too much. She talks about nothing else but religion in her phone calls and now she keeps talking about how we should do ‘tauba’ before we die.

I get so angry when she calls that I don’t want to speak to her, but my husband takes it very lightly. He laughs at his sister, but I keep telling him that she has no right to call and lecture us like this. I am scared because she will be coming to Pakistan in a few months and will stay with us for a few weeks. What should I do?

Sister-in-law

Dear Sanity,

Your husband’s sister has become obsessed with religion and from what you say about her, she sounds like someone who has psychological issues. Her own family (I am assuming she has her own nuclear set-up) has to recognise this and get treatment for her.

Your husband understands that his sister is not behaving normally which is why he laughs off what she says during her phone calls. The question is why are you taking her seriously? Why are you treating her and interacting with her like she is a normal person? And why do you feel the need to counter what she is saying and looking to start a discussion which will go nowhere?

Next time she ‘advises’ you on your behaviour or lifestyle, before you reply back or comment, remind yourself that she is not well. You will find that you automatically calm down and don’t feel the need to ‘correct’ her opinion anymore.

For now, you and your husband need a strategy for when she comes to Pakistan and stays with you. If she interferes in the workings of your house and draws attention to how irreligious it is, let your husband handle it. In fact, speak to him before she arrives and work out a few tactics to handle her beforehand. But for the most part of her stay you will just need to keep reminding yourself that she is someone who has become obsessed, will not change her mind, nor the topic of discussion; realise that she will leave soon and just let it go.

She doesn’t know any better, but you do, right?

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, September 21st, 2014