Dear Auntie,

I am a teenage girl. I have two brothers and one sister. I have really big problems. My dad used to love us a lot and we were a happy family. But then we got to know from our mother that our dad had an extra-marital affair with his secretary and because of this my mom had a lot of fights with my dad and we were really disturbed, especially my sister. After some years he married the secretary and now we have thrown him out of the house, but he comes to us for just some time. And we really hate him.

My sister was really attached to him. And because of this stress she always goes mad at me and fights with me for no reason. And my mom is never happy. She used to favour my brothers a lot, but now she favours us too, but not that much. And my dad’s favourite was my sister. I was the left out child. I’m really depressed sometimes. I really don’t know what to do.

Please help me.

Disturbed Child

Dear Daughter,

There is something very disrespectful about the way you speak about your father. Your father may have been cheating on your mother, but it does not sound like he is a bad father. You also have to understand that a marriage is a complicated relationship and things cannot always be explained away in stark terms such as ‘black’ and ‘white’ or ‘good’ and ‘bad’. There is no denying that what your father did damaged your family. However, what your mother is doing is not helping matters. From what you say in your letter, it sounds like all the cues you are getting about your parents’ relationship, are coming from your mother, who is quite thoughtlessly painting your father as the villain to his children and sharing information with you that she needn’t have. The fact is your father may have married someone else but he still visits and most likely also pays the bills in your house. He may not love your mother anymore, but he does love his children and tries to remain in touch even though it does not sound like he is welcome in this house.

For your own sanity you need to try and look at things objectively and with a little more maturity (as it doesn’t sound like you are surrounded by too many mature role models). A bad husband is not necessarily a bad father, so separate the two roles and keep things in perspective. A divorce or a separation is undesirable, but the process need not be harrowing if things are explained to children maturely and in a way that makes them feel in control.

You may think you know the full story of your parents’ marital situation, but you don’t and an example of that is your sister’s completely different take on your father. For now tell your mother and father that you are confused by their behaviour and that they need to be more responsible and think about what they say and do in front of you and your siblings. Tell them that you will not listen to one parent badmouthing the other. Finally, put the onus on both your parents to make it easier for you.

Your parent’s marriage is a mess at the moment, but they have to figure out what to do, not you.

Dear Khala,

I am a 23-year-old girl in a relationship with someone. He is my soul mate and he says so himself. We love each other a lot and this relationship is like a fairytale for me.

We have been together for three years and I am now hoping that he will marry me. I really want to take this relationship to the next level, but he has not said anything. I have tried to drop hints around him such as talking about going abroad to study further. When I say that, he encourages me as if he doesn’t want to get married just yet. If I say my family wants to move to another city (which they discuss sometimes) he seems happy for me. My sister who knows about the relationship says it is about time he sent his parents with a proposal as he is settled in a job now. I don’t know what to think.

Princess

Dear Girl,

This man does not sound like he is thinking marriage. And it doesn’t sound like he thinks you are expecting marriage from him either. A lot of people want so badly to be in love that they deliberately gloss over problems that are staring them in the face.

Have you considered that this man may not be as serious about your fairytale as you are? Could you have jumped ahead? And could it be that while you pondered how on earth you would live without him if your family were to move to another city, he merely wondered whether he should also explore other cities, career or study options?

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, September 14th, 2014