UN calls for ceasefire in Gaza. Asks Palestinian women and children to halt airstrikes

New York: The United Nations Security Council has urged Israeli armed forces and Palestinian fighters in Gaza to immediately halt hostilities and renew dialogue.

The UN’s call for a de-escalation of violence in the region came as various clandestine organisations being run by middle-aged Palestinian housewives and their children increased their attacks over various Israeli cities, using fighter jets and tanks.

A rogue Palestinian child prepares his fighter jet to take part in airstrikes against innocent Israeli soldiers.

Yesterday, the Palestinian campaign of raining down missiles and bombs on innocent Israeli soldiers from fighter jets and tanks entered its 10th day. According to western news sources, about 2.5 million innocent Israeli soldiers have lost their lives in the attacks.

After BBC, CNN, FoxNews and ESPN ran footage of Israeli sufferings, thousands of angry citizens in various cities across Europe, the US and Canada poured out on the streets and demanded a halt to Palestinian atrocities. Many protesters also burned effigies of Aayub Yasser, the five-year-old Air Martial of the rouge Palestinian Air Force. He is reported to be the main mastermind behind the airstrikes against Israeli targets, planned in the cafeteria of a kindergarten in Gaza where he is also a student.

A number of celebrities have also expressed their concern at the situation.

During a press conference, famous Argentinian footballer, Lionel Messi, announced that he was planning to sign a contract with an obscure Israeli football club to express his solidarity with the innocent soldiers of Israel.

Messi expressing concern and sadness at Palestinian atrocities against the Israelis at a press conference.

He said: ‘I saw on TV the heart-wrenching images of innocent Israeli soldiers being butchered by heartless Palestinian women and children. I challenge them to come and play a game of football against FC Barcelona (the Spanish football club that Messi plays for).’

When reporters asked him why he was asking the Palestinians to come to Barcelona and not to his home town in Argentina, Messi replied: ‘What’s Argentina?’

Meanwhile, groups of film and TV directors and producers in the United States have announced they would soon start making and releasing films and TV series highlighting the historical services of the Israeli armed forces to the cause of peace, progress and stability in the Middle East and their numerous sacrifices in the face of unprecedented brutalities committed against them by Palestinian women and children.

They demanded that Palestinian children be arrested and put on trial for war crimes in Nuremberg.

The fourth sequel of famous Hollywood horror film franchise, Child’s Play, is based on a violent Palestinian toddler who goes around butchering innocent Israeli soldiers and their cuddly pet hamsters.

Pakistanis collect and donate record number of Tweets to IDPs

Peshawar: In an unprecedented show of generosity and collective compassion towards the plight of the Internally Displaced People (IDPs), groups of Pakistani Twitter users have collected thousands of tweets bemoaning the predicament of the IDPs.

The IDPs are made up of thousands of men, women and children displaced by the Pakistani military’s operation against militants in the country’s tribal areas (FATA).

Groups of young and passionate Pakistanis collected a large number of tweets that expressed sadness at the plight of the IDPs, and outrage against the government and political parties for not doing enough to help the displaced people. They then donated the tweets to an IDP camp in the outskirts of Peshawar.

The tweets were all downloaded on a USB stick and the USB was then handed over to a displaced tribal elder at the camp. The tweets will now be distributed to the hundreds of hungry and struggling members of the displaced families at the camp.

The tweets-USB handing-over ceremony at the IDP camp.

Angry guest attacks TV host with the alphabet ‘D’ from the word ‘Ramadan’

Lahore: A guest on a Pakistani TV show got angry at the show’s host for continuously pronouncing Ramazan as Ramadan. Pakistanis traditionally use ‘Ramazan’ (Urdu) but over the years with the increasing ‘Arabisation’ of Pakistani society, many Pakistanis have started to pronounce Ramazan as Ramadan.

The guest, a middle-aged woman, was attending a special Ramazan/Ramadan show on a local channel when, after listening to the host pronounce Ramazan as Ramadan over a dozen times, she got up, pulled out the letter ‘D’ from a large wooden sign pasted over the backdrop of the show and began beating the host with it.

‘It’s Ramazan, RamaZan, you fake Arab fool!’ She shouted while plunking the ‘D’ on the shocked host’s head.

Guest attacking host with a ‘D.’

The injured host was rushed to a hospital where his condition is said to be stable. He suffered severe head injuries and doctors think that apart from suffering from some memory loss due to the injury, he might also lose the ability to pronounce the letter ‘D.’

Meanwhile, the guest was subdued by the producer and cameraman of the show and handed over to the police. The police lodged an FIR against her for assault and for denying Pakistan’s ‘true Arab heritage.’

Generator that can extract and generate electricity from genies found

Islamabad: Labourers working in a house in Islamabad that was being renovated stumbled upon a unique 25-year-old generator. The house once belonged to a famous Sudanese alchemist, Dr Mabutu M. Mabata, who had been invited to Pakistan in 1985 by the then military dictator of the country, General Zia ul Haq.

In a letter to Zia, Dr Mabutuhad claimed that he could invent a generator that would be able to extract electricity from genies (Jinns) and in the process solve Pakistan’s energy crises.

With lots of Saudi aid at his disposal but not enough electricity, Zia invited Dr Mabutu to Pakistan and provided him with a spacious bungalow in Islamabad and a science lab in its basement.

Dr Mabutu is said to have spent millions of Rupees, Riyals and Dollars on the project. But after Zia’s demise in August 1988, Dr Mabutu was arrested by the first Benazir Bhutto government and deported back to Sudan where he spent the rest of his life as a struggling magician, then a homeopath and finally as a jazz musician.

Celebrated Pakistani physicist, Dr Abdul Qadeer, and French physician, Dr Maurice Bucaille (former personal physician of Saudi monarch, King Faisal), had always maintained that Dr Mabutu was actually able to build his generator but it was taken away from him by the Benazir regime and handed over to the Americans who destroyed it.

However, after newspaper reports carried the news of the discovery of a rusted generator at Dr. Mabutu’s old bungalow in Islamabad, Dr Qadeer told reporters that it was the same one that Dr. Mabutu was working on.

The government has handed over the generator to Dr Qadeer who is now busy trying to figure out exactly how it works.

In a TV talk-show Dr Qadeer told viewers that the generator works after it is plugged in a socket holding electricity that has been converted from LC (Liberal Current) to FC (Faithful Current).

‘But one has to be careful,’ he said.‘The generator can sometimes also summon non-Muslim jinns who, if they are not converted (live on TV) by morning show host, Maya Khan, cannot be used to generate electricity.’

But Dr Qadeer added that such jinns can, however, be used to conquer the world with the help of flying carpets.

The Mabutu Gene Electric Generator that was recently rediscovered in Islamabad. It can also toast bread.

Dr Qadeer also claimed that after he is able to make the generator work, Pakistan will have over a thousand Mabuto Generators by 2015. He added that the North Korean government has already placed an order with him for 200 such generators.

Peacenick demands end to drone attacks in North Waziristan. Says militancy should be crushed by fashion shows.

Lahore: One of Pakistan’s leading showbiz unions, the Pakistan Artistes United (PAU), in a statement has urged the United States to stop drone attacks in the country’s militant-infested tribal areas.

The PAU has a number of leading TV and film actors and directors, pop musicians, fashion designers and models as members.

Talking at a cocktail Iftar party thrown for a group of western journalists and some members of the American anti-drone NGO, Code Pink, PAU President, Zohair Zen, said that the PAU is against US drone attacks in Pakistan.

He said that the problem of extremism and militancy in Pakistan cannot be addressed through drone attacks and nor can it be controlled through a military operation. He said extremism can only be tackled by organizing fashion shows.

‘We (the PAU) have been fighting extremism for many years without guns or bombs or drones,’ he told the western media personnel at the Iftar party. To prove his point he showed newspaper cuttings of various fashion shows held in Karachi and Lahore that were covered by some of the leading European and American newspapers and magazines.

He urged western journalists to continue covering such shows because these were the true face of Pakistan and helped the country resist the spread of terrorism and extremism.

A modestly dressed Zohair Zen speaking to western journalists in Lahore.

A leading member of Code Pink, Medea Benjamin, also spoke on the occasion and endorsed Zohair Zen’s views. While holding a newspaper cutting from a Western newspaper with the headline ‘Pakistan fashion industry defies extremism,’she said, ‘Pakistan fashion industry is not only busy fighting extremism, it is also standing up to American imperialism.’

When one of the western journalists asked why there weren’t any Pakistani journalists at the party, Zohair Zen, while pointing towards a group of men and women in one corner of the room, said there were Pakistani journalists present. They were editors of various local fashion monthlies and weeklies and funnily, the western journalists had mistaken them to be non-Pakistani. However, the Pakistani journalists took the gaffe as a compliment.

Nadir Noor: True face of Pakistan.

After Iftar, the gathering was treated to a special song written by the famous Pakistani pop singer, Nadir Noor, who was joined by Medea Benjamin on tabla. The song was in English, sung in a perfect American (East Coast) accent but over a Deep South Bluegrass composition and African-American hip-hop slang.

‘No gunzza, no bombzza, oh babe peoples are dying in North Pakistanza/Stop killas of humanity, from Bronx to Piccadilly/monsta, monsta, they should all gonza, gonza … yea.’

Nadir received instant praise for his sensitive lyrics and passionate style of singing.

The western journalists seemed very impressed and promised to continue highlighting the Pakistani fashion industry’s brave struggle against extremism, terrorism and American imperialism.

In the end, Zohair Zen introduced a young fashion model, Bina Hashmi, who arrived on a wheel chair. One of her feet was wrapped in a cast and Zohair told the journalists that young Bina had almost lost her leg while fighting against terrorism. She had tripped and fallen off a catwalk at a fashion show in Islamabad, twisting her ankle.

Bina Hashmi fighting terrorism.

Famous Indian cricketer, Tendulkar, whips up a storm by saying he doesn’t know who he is

Mumbai: Last week a controversy was triggered by Russian tennis star, Maria Sharapova, when she confessed (in London) that she didn’t know who famous Indian cricketer, Sachin Tendulkar, was.

But just when the controversy was receding from the front pages of Indian press, Tendulkar added another dimension to it by telling reporters that he too, didn’t know who he was.

Asked to comment on the Sharapova incident, Tendulkar told reporters: ‘I don’t know who Tendulkar is.’

Tendulkar wonders who Tendulkar is.

Many of his fans reacted by accusing Sharapova’s ‘insensitive comment’ that they say has now pushed the former Indian cricket captain and hero on the verge of suffering a nervous breakdown.

The Indian government has also decided to take action. A spokesperson of the recently elected Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, in a statement released to the media said that the PM is considering cancelling his trip to Russia because he doesn’t know who Russian President, Vladimir Putin is, nor does he know where Russia was.

‘For all we know, he might be a Muslim, or worse, an ISI agent,’ the statement added.

The Russian government tried to placate the Indian people by asking Sharapova to hold a press conference and apologise. Sharapova appeared before journalists in Moscow and told them that she was sorry to have hurt the sentiments of so many Indians and that she was only joking when she said she didn’t know who Tendulkar was:

‘Of course I know who and what Tendulkar is,’ she said. ‘It’s the capital of Timbuktu, right?’

As hundreds of cricket fans in India continued to burn effigies of Putin and Sharapova (despite claiming not knowing who they were), Tendulkar was seen playing tennis at a local club in Mumbai.

He told reporters that he was trying to figure out the game of tennis: ‘It’s like Test cricket, but in which the batter is also the bowler,’ he said.

When asked what he thought about Sharapova’s latest gaffe, Tendulkar said:

‘I don’t know much about it. I guess you should ask Tendulkar.’

Tendulkar practices hitting a bowlers-back-drive at a Mumbai tennis club.

President of a Karachi apartment block declares himself to be the block’s Caliph

Karachi: The president of an apartment block in the Gulshan-e-Iqbal area of Karachi has declared himself to be the caliph of the block. Javed Memon, the 40-year-old resident of one of the apartments in the block and also its president, told the residents of the block that henceforth he should be addressed as Khaleefa Al-Javed Gulshantani.

He warned that if they failed to do so he would poison the block’s water tank and shut down its two elevators. When one resident of the block complained, Javed is reported to have beheaded the man’s pet cat.

Residents told reporters that Javed is now planning to dislodge the presidents of neighbouring apartment blocks and declare himself to be the caliph of all apartment blocks in Gulshan-e-Iqbal’s streets 6 and 7.

Javed Memon keeping an eye on his apartment block. Residents say he now plans to take-over neighbouring blocks as well.

Brief news snippets on the forthcoming season of long marches in Pakistan …

One of the leading members of Imran Khan’s Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaaf (PTI), Dr.Shireen Mazari, has said that her party’s 14th August ‘Long March’ (against the government) would be different than all other such marches in Pakistan because it will literally be like the famous long march of Chinese revolutionary leader, Mao Tse Tung.

Mao’s march that he undertook with guerrillas of the Chinese Communist Party covered a distance of approximately 9000 kilometres. Ms.Mazari told journalists that PTI’s August 14th long march will be just as long. It will start from Islamabad and then go through Lahore, Karachi, Dubai, Tehran and Madrid and end on a small obscure island near the coast of Portugal’s capital city, Lisbon.

Mazari added that PTI workers will organise a dharna (sit-in) on the island and demand that the governments of Pakistan, UAE, Iran, Spain and Portugal be removed and fresh elections held. She also said that PTI workers will sustain themselves by catching and eating fish at the Island.

A group of PTI workers preparing for the party’s August 14th ‘long march.’

The ruling Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) too is preparing a long march and rally on August 14. Some of the closest aides and advisors of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif will gather in the bedroom of the PM (at his residence in Raiwind) and then accompany the PM in a march from his bedroom to the dining room where they will have breakfast and discuss some vital issues facing Pakistan, such as the Musharraf trial, Musharraf’s health, Musharraf’s moustache and Musharraf’s weight.

Till the filing of this report, PML-N leaders were busy in a closed-door meeting deciding whether the breakfast should be a la carte or a buffet.

A sketched plan of PML-N’s 14 August rally.

The opposition Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) that is in power in the province of Sindh is also planning to hold a march on the 14th of August. But the march will actually be a parade of the 103 Police IGs, 177 DIGs and 2,990 ASIs that the PPP-led government in Sindh has removed and replaced in the last 14 months.

The parade will be followed by another parade, this time by 109 IGs, 181 DIGs and 3,004 ASIs that the Sindh government plans to bring in, remove and replace in the next 14 months.

A soon-to-be-removed police officer in Karachi preparing for PPP’s August 14 parade.

Inspired by the example of Pakistani-born Canadian citizen and Muslim spiritual leader, Tahir ul Qadri’s act of returning to Pakistan to bring a revolution, a Canada-born citizen of Pakistan and Catholic spiritual leader, John. J. Pinto, has decided to travel to Canada on 14th August to get rid of its corrupt politicians, parties and political system and impose true democracy with the help of the
country’s armed forces, judiciary and ice hockey team.

He told reporters that he would be travelling to Ottawa on the 13th of August and hold a massive rally there on the 14th. He said: ‘I won’t move from there until I achieve my goal. I will turn Ottawa into Nazareth and send Caesar and his evil men home even if they feed me to the lions!’

Pinto talking to reporters before boarding an Emirates flight to Ottawa.