Advice: The dead end

Published November 24, 2013

Dear Auntie,
I simply want to ask, how can a person miss his or her first husband or wife to whom one was married for only nine months? The reason for that person’s divorce had been continuous tension and bickering over small issues. There had not been any physical abuse or cheating. Curious

Dear Concerned,
One frequently comes across people who have a hard time forgetting the first relationship they ever had. And in cultures such as ours, often one’s first romance and relationship with the opposite sex, is one’s marriage. You have not specified how long it has been since the person’s marriage broke up nor have you said whether you are talking about a man or a woman. However, anyone nursing a broken heart after a divorce usually goes through a period where they experience a series of emotions that range from a lack of self esteem, regret, anger, sadness and jealousy.

Such people should be supported at what is a painful time in their lives and they should be encouraged to share their thoughts and emotions with someone they can trust and who will hear them out. They should definitely avoid the kind of dismissive people who tell them to get over it. In case they are unable to find someone to confide in, writing out their feelings can be something that will help them come to terms with their complex feelings. The idea is not to stuff down one’s emotions, but to bring them up and hopefully out of one’s system.

Crying is another natural and effective way to deal with the trauma. Whether it is a man or a woman, feelings should not be dismissed and a good cry can be cathartic and very healing for someone who is suffering.

It is very easy for heartbroken individuals to confine themselves to their bed or their house after the trauma and so they should be encouraged to come out of the house. Nothing is worth letting yourself and your health go. If possible they should be encouraged to eat healthy and exercise, which can definitely lift their mood.

Heartbroken individuals should occupy themselves with productive activities, such as a new hobby that will distract them. However, that doesn’t mean that they should not think about what went wrong with the marriage. A healthier way to recover from a relationship is to see it as a learning experience and understand that often the fault lies with both individuals. Taking the example of the case that you have cited, the person should dwell on how the daily bickering built up to the point where two people ended up divorced. One fairly effective activity to get involved with after a divorce would be to go around the house and do away with anything that reminds one of the previous marriage. Whether one gives it to charity or burns it, it is quite cleansing to just remove the trigger that brings on memories.

Hopefully all of the above should be able to help the person move beyond his or her nine-month marriage.

Dear Auntie,
Please help! I have been in a relationship with a man for three years and he is still not ready to marry me. The problem is that I cannot live without him and I seriously think I might destroy the life of the person whom I will marry except him. Kindly suggest something that goes in my favour. I love him.
In Love

Dear Wake-up,
He has told you that he is not ready to marry you? And you’re still hanging around? Auntie thinks you should thank the man for his honesty and get out! The biggest plus that is going for this man is that he is straightforward and doesn’t believe in playing games. If he has plainly told you that he doesn’t want to marry, he is not asking you to wait because at some point he intends to change his mind. He is not saying, ‘I will wake up one day and realise that you are the woman of my dreams’. The only thing he is saying is that he is not ready to marry you. Believe him.

The real issue in all this is that you love him and are hanging on to hope. Given Auntie’s experience with such a thing, I seriously doubt if he will change his mind. The biggest reason for you to get out of this relationship is that if you stick around, you are in danger of getting even more emotionally invested in a dead end relationship. Stick around only if you intend not to get married and are happy being a girlfriend who is ready to watch her boyfriend walk off in the sun with the woman he will eventually marry.

Not ready to be the woman who will be left twiddling her thumbs? If marriage is what you are after, extricate yourself (I know it’s tough, but you love yourself before anyone else, don’t you?) and give yourself a break (now don’t jump into the next relationship that comes along).

He has different plans from yours and instead of getting offended respect that.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com

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