Namaste, Salam and Hello. I'm Agnipath Ghaznavi, your host for yet another episode of 'Kon Baney Ga Jangpati.' (KBGJ)
Dear viewers, as you might have guessed by now, KBGJ is aired on Pakistani and Hindustani TV channels after a cycle of every two to three years when things begin to go kind of crazy at the Line of Control (LoC) and when Pakistani and Indian soldiers begin to shoot at each other for no apparent reason.
Biologists believe that this cycle has become a part of the soldiers' genetic make-up and operates like the mating cycle of the Vulcans of the Star Trek fame in which after every few years a Vulcan suddenly begins to lose control of his ability to reason and apply logic and starts to behave like a bi-paddle elephant with raging hormones, rampaging across villages looking for a mate.
So, that takes care of that. But have you ever wondered what genes, biology or chemical imbalances are involved in making the TV news channels of both the countries go berserk right from the moment our soldiers' violent mating cycle begins at the LoC?
I'm sure by now patriots of both the countries must be denouncing me as an ISI and RAW agent or a traitor for trying to understand the said phenomenon with the help of science. Because, after all, the only good science to our patriots is the one that has given our two glorious countries the nuclear bomb.
So, during this LOC cycle as well, we have invited two TV anchors each from India and Pakistan to KBGJ who can win the grand prize of this quiz show: An all-out nuclear war!
Excited? Me too. So let's begin. From Pakistan, we have Mr. Bin Qasim Aziz and Ms. Bin Qasim Aziza. From India, we have Mr. Mahmerugarawamgurunaik Agni and Ms. Ayushmatibindi Prithvi (aka Mona darling).
All these fine men and women are four of the best and most patriotic TV anchors ... but not necessarily journalists ... in Pakistan and India and, at least in their heads, around the world and even in the Alpha and Delta Quadrants of the Milky Way.
You all know the format of the show. I will ask three questions each from the contestants. They can take help from their country's comrades or call any of their friends for their input.
The anchor who answers all the questions correctly will win the grand prize. Something he or she has always wanted: A nuclear conflict between India and Pakistan. Lovely, no?
So here goes. My first guest is Mr. Bin Qasim Aziz. Hello, sir.
Shall we begin?
Am I being interrogated?
Not at all. It's just a quiz show.
Your name is strange. It's half Hindu, half Muslim. What are you, really?
I'm the one whose supposed to ask the questions, sir.
Because it's my show!
I see. Okay, begin. Human.
Thank you. My first question to you is, tell me how many wars have Pakistan and India fought? A: Four. B: Six C: None or D: 95? You have five minutes to answer and you can take help from your colleague, Ms. Aziza.
Pakistan has won all the wars that it fought against India.
That's not what I asked, sir. I asked ...
I know what you asked.
So, your answer is ...?
Yes. And this is going to be the 96th.
Are you sure?
Should I LoC it?
Wrong answer. The correct answer is A: Four wars. 1948, 1965, 1971 and 1999.
Yes, but we won them all and that's all that counts.
Actually, you didn't, but that's beside the point ...
I see RAW hands at work here. You are trying to distort history. Breaking News: Hindu TV host distorts history, kills Muslim and dumps body on the Pakistan side of the LoC!
Err ... right. Anyway, my next question is ...
Is it by any chance a sect of Hinduism?
No. Human is human. You are human too.
No! I am first Muslim and then Pakistani!
Yes, but we are all humans; Hindus, Muslims, Christians, atheists ...
So, Human is a sect of Atheism?
Forget it. My next question to you is, who was India's first Prime Minister?
Daoud Ibrahim! Hee hee.
Because it's the wrong answer. You now just have a chance to win a Chinese water-pistol ...
Oh, goodie! I love everything Chinese. Ask the question, ask the question!
Who was Steve Jobs?
A man called Stevie ..
Yes, a man called Steven ...
Yes, a man called Steve with a lot of jobs.
Are you serious?
Of course, I am.
Are you sure you're a TV news anchor?
Is that a new question?
No. I was just wondering.
So I win the Chinese water-pistol then?
No, you don't.
This quiz is fixed. Like IPL. Breaking News: Indian TV host ...
I'm not Indian
Hindu TV host ...
I'm not Hindu.
Human TV host claims IPL matches fixed, kills Muslim and dumps body on the Pakistani side of the LoC!
I'm sure this would do wonders for your ratings.
Anyway, thank you. My next guest on the show is famous Indian TV news anchor, Mr. Mahmerugarawamgurunaik Agni. Welcome to the show, sir.
Errm ... yes.
Meaning not Hindu?
Human, like everybody else, including you.
I smell an ISI hand here.
Believe me, sir, there is no ISI, RAW or for that matter any other intelligence agency here. This is just a test of the intelligence of India and Pakistan's TV anchors, that's all.
You mean a contest between Hindus and Muslims.
No, not really. Just between humans of the two countries.