Welcome people to the ceremony of the first Plump Patriotic Pakistani Awards (PPPA, also called the Papas).
Today, we hand out this new award to all those patriots who have continued to make sure that Pakistan remains to be hailed as the greatest bastion of faith, feistiness and froth.
I, Zion Warhead Hamid, am proud to host the first installment of these awards that would turn sissy, imperialist events like the Oscars into Zionist dust!
So, good looking patriotic ladies who only nod to what I say and kung-fu black belt gentlemen who rightly believe Bruce Lee was mysteriously murdered because he had decided to convert to Islam, let’s begin this glorious ceremony. Please stand up for the national anthem!
Pakistan national anthem (in Arabic)
Alhamdulillah! We finally have an anthem in our own language. Okay, now please welcome my co-host for the evening, Mr. Wali Razzmatazz
Oh, my. What did you have for breakfast?
Ah, it figures. You should have had the Yemeni pancakes that I gave you, fool.
Sorry, guru. I was tricked into eating those disgusting things. I think the Illuminati are trying to poison me. But I washed them down with Coke.
You washed down the Illuminati?
No, the cornflakes.
(Someone from the audience): Hey! Coke is also owned by Zionists!
Oh, my. Wali you must take some medicine.
(Someone from the audience): Hey! Wali, medicine brands are owned by Zionists!
Yes. True. That’s why we need to revive Islamic Science. In fact, our first Papa is for the category of Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Scientist. And the nominees are: Dr. Aamir Attack, Dr. Nakir Zaik, Dr. Aagha Waterkit Hasselhoff and the great Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite! Wali, can you please do the honours …
Sure. And the winner is, Dr. Blugghh!!!
Really? But his name is not on the list …
No, I mean, Doctor … blugghhh!!
For heaven’s sake, comrade. Throwing up in front of liberal fascists makes sense. Not here. Take a hold of yourself.
Okay. Can I have some popcorn?
Only the halal ones.
Of course, guru. I’d rather stick my head in a microwave oven than eat non-halal popcorn!
(Someone from the audience): Hey! What if the microwave is made by Zionists too?
Please brother audience. Comrade Wali is a very sensitive man. Zionist bankers are trying to rob him, Hindu baniyas are trying to steal from him, western imperialist multinationals are trying to corrupt him and the Illuminati are trying to give him a haircut …
(Someone from the audience): But he has no hair!
That’s beside the point you Indian agent! Wali, please announce the winner of the best modern Pakistani traditional Islamic scientist.
Okay. And the winner is, Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite!
Applause (in Arabic)
Wonderful! Dr. Maurice kindly come forth and take your Papa.
Thank you, thank you. This is such an honor. I want to thank Shaikh Bin Saudi Al-Abarbia for …
Is he also a scientist?
No, he’s my financier.
A financier-scientist then.
No, I’m the scientist. He’s the financier.
You mean you’re the Islamic scientist and he’s the Islamic financier?
Yes, even though I’m Christian.
… but the financier is Muslim?
Yes, actually Islamic.
Yes. So, thank you to the Islamic-Muslim world for appreciating my book ‘Islamic Nuclear Physics & the Miracle of the Saudi Petro-Dollar’ …
You’re a PhD in physics?
No, I’m a general physician.
No an Islamic-Muslim-physician-physician-who’s-a-Christian.
Yes, the pay is good.
Yes, and …
Dr. Aamir Attack. Please take your seat.
No, you @@#$%^&%$#!! I should have won this award! He’s not even a Pakistani!
But he’s done great deeds for the Muslim ummah.
Islamic-Muslim-ummah, mind you.
But I have also done great deeds for Islamic science!
We recognise that, brother-doctor Aamir, but …
No! How is his book better than my Islamic scientific work that proved that the Pakistan cricket team keeps losing matches because they have green coloured soles underneath their cricket shoes?
It was brilliant work indeed, brother doctor. But some Muslims as opposed to Islamic-Muslims ran a propaganda campaign against you suggesting you are uncouth, abusive and mad!
I know. Thus, I have decided to give you the award now. Congratulations!