Welcome people to the ceremony of the first Plump Patriotic Pakistani Awards (PPPA, also called the Papas).

Today, we hand out this new award to all those patriots who have continued to make sure that Pakistan remains to be hailed as the greatest bastion of faith, feistiness and froth.

I, Zion Warhead Hamid, am proud to host the first installment of these awards that would turn sissy, imperialist events like the Oscars into Zionist dust!

So, good looking patriotic ladies who only nod to what I say and kung-fu black belt gentlemen who rightly believe Bruce Lee was mysteriously murdered because he had decided to convert to Islam, let’s begin this glorious ceremony. Please stand up for the national anthem!

Pakistan national anthem (in Arabic)

Alhamdulillah! We finally have an anthem in our own language. Okay, now please welcome my co-host for the evening, Mr. Wali Razzmatazz

Hello Wali.

Blughhhh!!

Oh, my. What did you have for breakfast?

Zionist cornflakes!

Ah, it figures. You should have had the Yemeni pancakes that I gave you, fool.

Sorry, guru. I was tricked into eating those disgusting things. I think the Illuminati are trying to poison me. But I washed them down with Coke.

You washed down the Illuminati?

No, the cornflakes.

(Someone from the audience): Hey! Coke is also owned by Zionists!

Blughhh!

Oh, my. Wali you must take some medicine.

(Someone from the audience): Hey! Wali, medicine brands are owned by Zionists!

Yes. True. That’s why we need to revive Islamic Science. In fact, our first Papa is for the category of Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Scientist. And the nominees are: Dr. Aamir Attack, Dr. Nakir Zaik, Dr. Aagha Waterkit Hasselhoff and the great Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite! Wali, can you please do the honours …

Sure. And the winner is, Dr. Blugghh!!!

Really? But his name is not on the list …

No, I mean, Doctor … blugghhh!!

For heaven’s sake, comrade. Throwing up in front of liberal fascists makes sense. Not here. Take a hold of yourself.

Okay. Can I have some popcorn?

Only the halal ones.

Of course, guru. I’d rather stick my head in a microwave oven than eat non-halal popcorn!

(Someone from the audience): Hey! What if the microwave is made by Zionists too?

Blughhhh!!

Please brother audience. Comrade Wali is a very sensitive man. Zionist bankers are trying to rob him, Hindu baniyas are trying to steal from him, western imperialist multinationals are trying to corrupt him and the Illuminati are trying to give him a haircut …

(Someone from the audience): But he has no hair!

That’s beside the point you Indian agent! Wali, please announce the winner of the best modern Pakistani traditional Islamic scientist.

Okay. And the winner is, Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite!

Applause (in Arabic)

Wonderful! Dr. Maurice kindly come forth and take your Papa.

Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite.
Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite.

Thank you, thank you. This is such an honor. I want to thank Shaikh Bin Saudi Al-Abarbia for …

Is he also a scientist?

No, he’s my financier.

A financier-scientist then.

No, I’m the scientist. He’s the financier.

You mean you’re the Islamic scientist and he’s the Islamic financier?

Yes, even though I’m Christian.

… but the financier is Muslim?

Yes, actually Islamic.

Islamic-Muslim.

Precisely.

Ma’shallah.

Yes. So, thank you to the Islamic-Muslim world for appreciating my book ‘Islamic Nuclear Physics & the Miracle of the Saudi Petro-Dollar’ …

You’re a PhD in physics?

No, I’m a general physician.

An Islamic-Muslim-physicist-physician?

No an Islamic-Muslim-physician-physician-who’s-a-Christian.

An Islamic-Muslim-Christian.

Yes, the pay is good.

And Islamic.

Yes, and …

STOP!

Dr. Aamir Attack. Please take your seat.

No, you @@#$%^&%$#!! I should have won this award! He’s not even a Pakistani!

But he’s done great deeds for the Muslim ummah.

Islamic-Muslim-ummah, mind you.

Yes, Islamic-Muslim-ummah.

But I have also done great deeds for Islamic science!

We recognise that, brother-doctor Aamir, but …

No! How is his book better than my Islamic scientific work that proved that the Pakistan cricket team keeps losing matches because they have green coloured soles underneath their cricket shoes?

It was brilliant work indeed, brother doctor. But some Muslims as opposed to Islamic-Muslims ran a propaganda campaign against you suggesting you are uncouth, abusive and mad!

Alhamdulillah!

I know. Thus, I have decided to give you the award now. Congratulations!

You have?

Yes. It’s yours, brother doctor.

STOP!

Brother Dr. Nakir Zaik, please sit down.

The award should go to me! Brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, as it is clearly stated in chapter 4, line 2, of paragraph 14 in Lord of the Rings book 3 and scene 77 of The Arrivals …

Dr. Nakir Zaik
Dr. Nakir Zaik

Comrade cutie, I mean, comrade Wali, please announce the nominees for the next category.

But he’s quoting from The Arrivals. It is brilliant films like these that have made men like you and so intelligent, guru.

Actually you’re right. Thus, Dr. Nakir …

Yes, brother and sister, sister and brother.

The award is yours.

Jazzakallah, brother and sister, sister and brother, as is stated in chapter 11, page 14, paragraph 9, line 3 after the 200th full-stop and 277th semi-colon of ‘The Dangers of Shaving’ …

Blughhh!

Its okay, comrade Wali. Shaving is okay if done with a halal razor.

Phew.

And now for some entertainment we will present a skit. It’s written by one of the finest political satirists of our generation, Dr. Yunus Bhaand. And here he is presenting a biting political satire on … Meera.

(Someone from the audience): Wow. How bold of him.

It is, isn’t it? Poking fun at such malicious sacred cows and dangerous elements like … Meera.

Okay, then. That was funny and biting and very politically satirical. Please Wali, can you now announce the next category. Pansy.

The next category is for the Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Historian. And the nominees are: (1) Scholar and former Head Chef of the I As I, General Gul Bull for his book ‘ Bin Qasim: The First Pious Benevolent Ruler-General of the Pakistan Army’; (2) Brilliant Islamic-physicist and part-time nuclear businessman, Dr. Kadeem Khan, for his book ‘Confessions of a Nuclear Hit Man;’ (3) Dr. Oreo Maqbool Jan-e-Janam for his book ‘Malicious Mughal King Akbar - The Shenanigans of the first Muslim Liberal Fascist;’; and (4) Doctor, Surgeon, Historian, Military Expert, Revolutionary, Supreme Commander of the coming Ghanzwa and all-round hunk, Zion Warhead Hamid for his brilliant, insightful, stimulating, intoxicating, breathtaking, war-making lectures on how to decode the Zionist, Hindu, Western geo-political hold of Vimeo by uploading old grainy videos of Dr. Warhead exhibiting his judo skills. And the winner is …

Me!

Of course, guru. And we have invited another athletic patriotic hunk and political analyst, Sangsar Abbasi, to give you this award!

Really? Sob, sob, weep, weep, sniff, sniff I’m so happy.

Pious ladies and manly men, please welcome, Mr. Sangsar Abbasi!

Thank you. By the way, is there anyone in the audience still viewing YouTube?

Astaghfarullah! God forbid!

Good. What about liberal fascists?

Bluggghh!! Please, stop it.

Hmm. Any Muslims who aren’t Islamic-Muslims?

Of course not! Please finish your speech, already. I want my award.

Why wasn’t anyone from the Lawyers community invited to the ceremony?

(Someone in the audience): They’re busy showering rose petals on killers?

Mr. Warhead, I thought there weren’t any liberal fascists in the audience.

Oh, they must just be some Blackwater guys or Indian infiltrators. We’ll lynch them after the show. Please finish your speech.

Okay. Here it is. Half a kilo carrots; 1 kilo green chilies; 2 boxes of hair dye; 7 … hey. This is the grocery list my boss at Peo TV gave me. Where’s my speech?

You get groceries for your boss?

Yes. So what?

Nothing.

Sangsar Abbasi demonstrates his analytical skills.
Sangsar Abbasi demonstrates his analytical skills.

You lucky bugger. All I do is get Dr. Warhead’s groceries and …

Is that a problem?

Of course not, guru.

Did you dry-clean my lal topee?

Yes, guru.

Who took my speech?

I want my award. Now!

The award’s mine!

General Bull, kindly sit down. I’ve won the award, fair and square.

Where’s the damn speech?

The awards mine, you joker. I fought in the Afghan War. I toppled the Soviet Union. I planned the Kashmir jihad. I killed Darth Vader.

General Gul in his prime.
General Gul in his prime.

Please General Gul Bull, I also fought in the Afghan War, toppled the Soviet Union, planned the Kashmir jihad and killed Darth Vader. What’s more, I was trained by al-Yoda and am about to invade Bharat …

(Someone from the audience): Yes, on Facebook!

Shut up, traitor!

Where the hell’s my speech?

Give me the award, give me the award …!

Bluugghh!

ENOUGH!

Dr. Kadeem.

Yes!

The award’s mine, Dr. Kadeem.

See, this is why the ungodly secular pro-drone liberal fascist scum are winning in Pakistan!

They are? I thought there were just 16 of them.

Sixteen are bad enough, fool. Look how just one of them defaced the honor of our beloved Pakistan by winning that imperialist statuette, Oscar, for a demeaning documentary on acid attacks on women.

True. It was all fake.

Yes, just like that Swat flogging video!

Yes. These 16 are winning because we patriotic Islamic-Muslims saviors of Islamic Republic and the ummah and the atom bum are fighting among ourselves on petty issues.

A massive rally of Pakistani liberals.
A massive rally of Pakistani liberals.

But, but, but … Papa is a major award and it will help me get more and more ‘likes’ on Facebook and further advance my march on Red Fort in New Delhi.

Commotion in the audience

What’s happening?

Guru, Maya Khurant just raided the hall!

I Maya. You immoral. This is an outrage! All the men and women in this hall are unmarried! They’re all dating. It’s against our cultural and religious customs. I am here to capture there immoral acts on camera.

Ms. Maya Khurant.
Ms. Maya Khurant.

Nice dress, Maya.

Thank you. It’s designer stuff.

(Someone in the audience): Are you married to your cameraman?

No!

Then why are you roaming around with him?

Get him! I want shots of him and his girlfriend.

That’s my mom, fool!

Prove it!

That’s not designer stuff you’re wearing.

It is!

Prove it!

Dr. Kadeem Khan arrives at the awards ceremony.
Dr. Kadeem Khan arrives at the awards ceremony.

Where the hell’s my Speech? Dr. Kadeem, please do something.

ENOUGH! We’ve got such great patriots here. How will we be able to wipe-out liberal scum and Indian, American, British, Ahmadi agents, Shezan drinkers and Non-Islamic-Muslims if we continue fighting among ourselves over a small award?

You are right, Dr. Kadeem. We are sorry.

That’s true. Blughhh!

Maya, Dr. Aamir, General Bull and all the other nominees, please come up here and let’s share the award together.

Guru.

What?

They’re all here. But where’s Dr. Kadeem?

He was just right here … Hey! Where’s the award?


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Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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First impressions ...

When it comes to political leaders and parties in Pakistan, first impressions are indeed the most lasting ones.

Comments (55) Closed




Touseef
Jul 11, 2013 10:47am

we need to stop following brother hoods and start caring about our neighbours saudis,iranians,indians everyone and live in peace and show everyone how great of a nation we truly are.

Ursilla Anjum
Jul 11, 2013 11:22am

LOL! Good one again, NFP.

Nasir Saeed
Jul 11, 2013 11:26am

well done by trolling Zaid the "Zionist" hamid.. excellent read!

Nony
Jul 11, 2013 11:40am

Well done NFP. Massive rally of Pakistani Liberals was awesome.

RK Singh
Jul 11, 2013 11:46am

great satire. Fits for Pakistan though.

Wasif
Jul 11, 2013 12:41pm

Excellent to read - but seriously sad stuff. where do these people get their ideas from really. Sad, Sad, Sad ,,,,

Syed Irfan Ali
Jul 11, 2013 12:44pm

Excellent...............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! great satire especially about Ansar Abbasi, Maya Khan, General Gul and the joker of our times ......... Dr. Amir..........!!!!

BRR
Jul 11, 2013 12:58pm

I love the "massive rally of pakistani liberals".

anjum
Jul 11, 2013 01:06pm

I see the title and Cid.make.it.out that its none other but the wow NFP. Your sarcasm is the best. How many readers u have that's the problem! When the masses will understand u n your great sarcasm better though.

sanjay mittal
Jul 11, 2013 01:13pm

Great black humour as usual! NFP is not scared to take on the fanatics. Maybe the ridicule will make people think more than just straight logic!

A small suggestion. Maybe make these pieces just a page shorter. Many of us read your great lines while pretending we are working in office in a emergency assignment! In my case my juniors thought I had gone mad, giggling while reading the blog-- while my senior was intercomming me on why I was not reaching his cabin for 20 minutes!

Nasiroski
Jul 11, 2013 01:18pm

Nicely done, something even my peanut brain can enjoy and get a good chuckle all day.

Salman
Jul 11, 2013 01:44pm

Yawn!!!!

Dan.
Jul 11, 2013 02:08pm

I reckon the award would certainly strengthen their faith which is at peril because of common sense ;) Only you could've written a piece like this one. Enjoyed it. Keep writing.

Parvez
Jul 11, 2013 03:34pm

Loved the stress on.......Islamic Muslim.......funny and yet sooooo close to home.

Mara
Jul 11, 2013 03:52pm

Such cheap blows are not humorous, and your attempted 'satire' is just plain mockery- it's not going to change things for the better. And what do you even gain from it, besides a few followers chiming into applaud your 'fine work'? It's getting old and redundant, much like the 'personalities' featured in your 'writing.' How does this make you any better than the people you're criticising?

haris
Jul 11, 2013 04:14pm

For me, none is more deserving for Papas than NFP himself.

"Your writing is faithful forever and ever Without you (NFP) I think we (Pakistanis) are like a butterfly... without flying"

Keep writing!

SK
Jul 11, 2013 04:42pm

I dont know if at all it is possible but such irreverent humor and satire should be regularly translated and distributed in urdu press too. I wonder though if the word plays, double entendres, the wit and the barbs could be captured in translation. It is worth a try though given the large urdu readership - if for nothing than to pique those who take themslves too seriously to take themselves less seriously.

Amit
Jul 11, 2013 06:05pm

Hilarious ! This was an awesome treat. Nadeem.

Imran
Jul 11, 2013 07:30pm

Hillarious,, Look carefully at the illustration showing Sangsar Abbasi, I think both the floggee and the flogger are into sadomasochism.

Irfan Baloch
Jul 11, 2013 08:22pm

@Touseef: sorry Saudis are not our neighbours

insomniac
Jul 11, 2013 08:37pm

@Mara: i pray to god that he goes on till people like you understand what exactly he is trying to convey.. If you haven't realize the soul of that blog and many others such coming your way, then i can understand why NFP is trying so hard to repeat himself again and again to make you ignorant souls little wiser. There's still time and i am sure he will come at you again with renewed vigor and another masterclass of a satire. hope by then you have gain some senses... praise the lord.

NaySay
Jul 11, 2013 08:59pm

Oreo Maqbool jan-e-janam just craxkes me up! Lol.. inventive ...vivid ... one of a kind NFP.

Mara
Jul 11, 2013 09:30pm

@insomniac: how utterly patronising. What is the point that you so fervently believe my 'ignorant soul' is missing? Care to enlighten me, seeing as you seem so completely fixated by 'what exactly he is trying to convey'?

Samar B
Jul 11, 2013 09:46pm

Ah! The travails of avoiding the Zionist-Hindu lobby in everyday life is too exhausting. Let me turn on my GE-Israel designed fan, and cool off with a nice drink from my Westinghouse-Israel-designed fridge, and relax watching a Bollywood thriller...NOT!! Hey, I want that coveted PAPAS award too!!! Except that I'm not plump, or patriotic or Pakistani - oh forget it!

Another Tahir
Jul 11, 2013 11:39pm

Maulana Tahir Ashrafi - nice short and plump with lots of froth - would take the cake any day.

Gimme Love
Jul 11, 2013 11:43pm

@Mara: As usual this comment won't be published but I will say it anyways. The number of thumbs down shows how "informed" we are.. NFP has never ever attempted to write a solution.

The better a work is, the more it attracts criticism; it is like the fleas who rush to jump on white linens. - Gustave Flaubert. However NFP has mostly praises. Does it tell us anything?

G.A.
Jul 12, 2013 12:53am

@Mara, These cheap patriots are growing by the dozens thanks to runaway talk shows and there is only one NFP trying to home in the point. More and more Pakistanis are wearing the Saudi national dress and playing Arabic 'nasheeds' at weddings while living in the West. Even Arabs don't do that. Get the point?

waqas
Jul 12, 2013 01:45am

well written indeed, the useless and needless slogans of patriotism and unpractical religious fervor have done more harm than reform in the history of humanity. these are actually the conventional images to 'rationalize' the evil as good or to justify the brutalities and massacres as acts of justice, jihad or superiority of law.the figures satirized here are mostly from the intellectual strata of the society who appeal more to the sentiments than to the reason of their readers and followers. sentimentality although is the progressive act if gently balanced with reason but having courage unequal to desire or words that can't stand for the actions is improbable and quite irrational. 'work ethic' of work for the sake of work, the sentiment of the puritans that made America what it is today, is the dire need of the hour. Perhaps that was the only solution that Jinnah sought for the nation and that unfortunately is not yet acted upon; be practical rather emotional, or rational rather sightless fanatic, as actions, they say,speak louder than words. this is what i presume the satirist wants to say here..

Zak
Jul 12, 2013 03:44am
Chulbul Pandey
Jul 12, 2013 07:32am

Nadeemji,

After I read the great Islamic-muslim truth about Bruce Lee, I knew the article was going to be a riot of laughter. You did not disappoint!

PS. Who the hell is Yunus Bhaand? :D

Imran
Jul 12, 2013 07:36am

@Mara:

A cheap blow is far better than a low blow........ My two cents.

justforcarp
Jul 12, 2013 08:07am

@Mara: He gains truth by his satire. But then you never heard of truth, have you?

Jehan
Jul 12, 2013 08:28am

This satire is directed towards loud but small minority. Most of the people in Pakistan have nothing to do about Israel, Zionist, India, Kashmir, etc etc etc. Majority of the Pakistanis are too busy in their daily lives to be concerned about this absurdity.

Suleman
Jul 12, 2013 08:30am

"Thank you, thank you. This is such an honor. I want to thank Shaikh Bin Saudi Al-Abarbia for

AKG
Jul 12, 2013 08:43am

hahaha.....That was super-yummy

Tariq
Jul 12, 2013 08:54am

Zakir Naik's real name is Zakir Khal-Naik

Anas
Jul 12, 2013 09:07am

@Chulbul Pandey: Dr younas Butt

insomniac
Jul 12, 2013 11:18am

@Mara: if you haven't gain any 'wisdom of that kind ' (for your own good) all this years after reading NFPs blogs, there's no point even caring to teach you something which can't be taught. who am i to even think of doing that sin.. :) god be with you my friend.

insomniac
Jul 12, 2013 12:20pm

@Nasiroski: lol.. i liked that mate.. its a unique gift to make fun of oneself and have a good laugh at it.... bravo.

Zulqarnain Majeed
Jul 12, 2013 12:35pm

@SK: I 100% agree that these kind of master pieces should be translated and conveyed to the general public, who are the victims. All of us commenting here do not face the real impact of atrocities from these Plump Patriot's Pakistanis.

gary
Jul 12, 2013 01:01pm

@Tariq:

NO. His real name is Zakir Na(la)ik.

gary
Jul 12, 2013 01:06pm

@G.A.:

''Muslim immigrants in the West have perhaps been the worst affected by 9/11 and its fallout. Their position has been made more precarious by the militancy of young radicals born and brought up in the countries their parents and grandparents migrated to. The entire community is now viewed with suspicion by both security services and the majority of ordinary people.

At the workplace and on the streets, Muslim men sporting long beards and women wearing all-enveloping burkas are seen as ungrateful immigrants who despise the West and its culture, and yet enjoy the benefits available to all citizens. The gulf between the host community and Muslim migrants is wider than ever.''

http://www.dawn.com/2011/09/10/pyrrhic-victories-collateral-damage.html

gary
Jul 12, 2013 01:12pm

General Gul Bull has said on an Indian channel that he considers OBL as a Muslim hero, and he takes pride that Pakistan was able to hide him for nine years.

Goga Nalaik
Jul 12, 2013 04:12pm

@gary:

I protest

Khalid Pathan
Jul 12, 2013 04:18pm

Brilliant as usual, and spot on. Enjoy reading your articles giving an accurate description of all the Islamic Muslim personalities.

Goga Nalaik
Jul 12, 2013 04:41pm

Hilarious!

You've made my day

Keep it UP

Your fan

mr Singh
Jul 12, 2013 09:48pm

big fan of nfp. wish u live long and happily

Razzaq
Jul 13, 2013 02:56am

@gary: Yes only for those who are seeking Islamic identity in a free and tolerant society by wearing burqa, hijab, beards with typical caps etc. People like me who have lived in west for 50 years and have seen ALL do not feel any difference in socialising or communicating with natives.

Fahad Tarar
Jul 13, 2013 05:32am

Excellent. Hilarious. Ironic. Factually correct. keep up the good work NFP.

S. A. M.
Jul 13, 2013 07:56am

when i started reading it seemed NFP was bringing inideas that are all so different from each other but once read it found it is about one thing Hypocricy of the Fanatics.

We need more honest people like Meera.

Dixit
Jul 13, 2013 10:32am

The Zakir Na(la)ik part was too good. I want to know more about this man who only says "Blughhh" in reply to every question ... LOL.... I salute the constant efforts of NFP to make people of Pakistan realize the true characters of these morons.

Ganesh (India)
Jul 13, 2013 12:59pm

Hi all.. who is Wali Razzmatazz ???

CAT
Jul 13, 2013 01:59pm

Wah wah! Islamic - Muslims against the Muslims! Classic recap of our sad recent history. Keep it going Sir!

Madhu
Jul 13, 2013 03:26pm

Nadeem sir,

Great piece of writing. I'm your biggest fan. Could i get a visa to Pakistan to visit you.....

S. A. M.
Jul 13, 2013 06:59pm

@Dixit: Loved the zakir na(la)ik the best part of this post. he is the zinda misal of jis thali men khata he usi thali men ched kerta he