Welcome people to the ceremony of the first Plump Patriotic Pakistani Awards (PPPA, also called the Papas).
Today, we hand out this new award to all those patriots who have continued to make sure that Pakistan remains to be hailed as the greatest bastion of faith, feistiness and froth.
I, Zion Warhead Hamid, am proud to host the first installment of these awards that would turn sissy, imperialist events like the Oscars into Zionist dust!
So, good looking patriotic ladies who only nod to what I say and kung-fu black belt gentlemen who rightly believe Bruce Lee was mysteriously murdered because he had decided to convert to Islam, let’s begin this glorious ceremony. Please stand up for the national anthem!
Pakistan national anthem (in Arabic)
Alhamdulillah! We finally have an anthem in our own language. Okay, now please welcome my co-host for the evening, Mr. Wali Razzmatazz
Oh, my. What did you have for breakfast?
Ah, it figures. You should have had the Yemeni pancakes that I gave you, fool.
Sorry, guru. I was tricked into eating those disgusting things. I think the Illuminati are trying to poison me. But I washed them down with Coke.
You washed down the Illuminati?
No, the cornflakes.
(Someone from the audience): Hey! Coke is also owned by Zionists!
Oh, my. Wali you must take some medicine.
(Someone from the audience): Hey! Wali, medicine brands are owned by Zionists!
Yes. True. That’s why we need to revive Islamic Science. In fact, our first Papa is for the category of Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Scientist. And the nominees are: Dr. Aamir Attack, Dr. Nakir Zaik, Dr. Aagha Waterkit Hasselhoff and the great Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite! Wali, can you please do the honours …
Sure. And the winner is, Dr. Blugghh!!!
Really? But his name is not on the list …
No, I mean, Doctor … blugghhh!!
For heaven’s sake, comrade. Throwing up in front of liberal fascists makes sense. Not here. Take a hold of yourself.
Okay. Can I have some popcorn?
Only the halal ones.
Of course, guru. I’d rather stick my head in a microwave oven than eat non-halal popcorn!
(Someone from the audience): Hey! What if the microwave is made by Zionists too?
Please brother audience. Comrade Wali is a very sensitive man. Zionist bankers are trying to rob him, Hindu baniyas are trying to steal from him, western imperialist multinationals are trying to corrupt him and the Illuminati are trying to give him a haircut …
(Someone from the audience): But he has no hair!
That’s beside the point you Indian agent! Wali, please announce the winner of the best modern Pakistani traditional Islamic scientist.
Okay. And the winner is, Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite!
Applause (in Arabic)
Wonderful! Dr. Maurice kindly come forth and take your Papa.
Thank you, thank you. This is such an honor. I want to thank Shaikh Bin Saudi Al-Abarbia for …
Is he also a scientist?
No, he’s my financier.
A financier-scientist then.
No, I’m the scientist. He’s the financier.
You mean you’re the Islamic scientist and he’s the Islamic financier?
Yes, even though I’m Christian.
… but the financier is Muslim?
Yes, actually Islamic.
Yes. So, thank you to the Islamic-Muslim world for appreciating my book ‘Islamic Nuclear Physics & the Miracle of the Saudi Petro-Dollar’ …
You’re a PhD in physics?
No, I’m a general physician.
No an Islamic-Muslim-physician-physician-who’s-a-Christian.
Yes, the pay is good.
Yes, and …
Dr. Aamir Attack. Please take your seat.
No, you @@#$%^&%$#!! I should have won this award! He’s not even a Pakistani!
But he’s done great deeds for the Muslim ummah.
Islamic-Muslim-ummah, mind you.
But I have also done great deeds for Islamic science!
We recognise that, brother-doctor Aamir, but …
No! How is his book better than my Islamic scientific work that proved that the Pakistan cricket team keeps losing matches because they have green coloured soles underneath their cricket shoes?
It was brilliant work indeed, brother doctor. But some Muslims as opposed to Islamic-Muslims ran a propaganda campaign against you suggesting you are uncouth, abusive and mad!
I know. Thus, I have decided to give you the award now. Congratulations!
Yes. It’s yours, brother doctor.
Brother Dr. Nakir Zaik, please sit down.
The award should go to me! Brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, as it is clearly stated in chapter 4, line 2, of paragraph 14 in Lord of the Rings book 3 and scene 77 of The Arrivals …
Comrade cutie, I mean, comrade Wali, please announce the nominees for the next category.
But he’s quoting from The Arrivals. It is brilliant films like these that have made men like you and so intelligent, guru.
Actually you’re right. Thus, Dr. Nakir …
Yes, brother and sister, sister and brother.
The award is yours.
Jazzakallah, brother and sister, sister and brother, as is stated in chapter 11, page 14, paragraph 9, line 3 after the 200th full-stop and 277th semi-colon of ‘The Dangers of Shaving’ …
Its okay, comrade Wali. Shaving is okay if done with a halal razor.
And now for some entertainment we will present a skit. It’s written by one of the finest political satirists of our generation, Dr. Yunus Bhaand. And here he is presenting a biting political satire on … Meera.
(Someone from the audience): Wow. How bold of him.
It is, isn’t it? Poking fun at such malicious sacred cows and dangerous elements like … Meera.
Okay, then. That was funny and biting and very politically satirical. Please Wali, can you now announce the next category. Pansy.
The next category is for the Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Historian. And the nominees are: (1) Scholar and former Head Chef of the I As I, General Gul Bull for his book ‘ Bin Qasim: The First Pious Benevolent Ruler-General of the Pakistan Army’; (2) Brilliant Islamic-physicist and part-time nuclear businessman, Dr. Kadeem Khan, for his book ‘Confessions of a Nuclear Hit Man;’ (3) Dr. Oreo Maqbool Jan-e-Janam for his book ‘Malicious Mughal King Akbar - The Shenanigans of the first Muslim Liberal Fascist;’; and (4) Doctor, Surgeon, Historian, Military Expert, Revolutionary, Supreme Commander of the coming Ghanzwa and all-round hunk, Zion Warhead Hamid for his brilliant, insightful, stimulating, intoxicating, breathtaking, war-making lectures on how to decode the Zionist, Hindu, Western geo-political hold of Vimeo by uploading old grainy videos of Dr. Warhead exhibiting his judo skills. And the winner is …
Of course, guru. And we have invited another athletic patriotic hunk and political analyst, Sangsar Abbasi, to give you this award!
Really? Sob, sob, weep, weep, sniff, sniff I’m so happy.
Pious ladies and manly men, please welcome, Mr. Sangsar Abbasi!
Thank you. By the way, is there anyone in the audience still viewing YouTube?
Astaghfarullah! God forbid!
Good. What about liberal fascists?
Bluggghh!! Please, stop it.
Hmm. Any Muslims who aren’t Islamic-Muslims?
Of course not! Please finish your speech, already. I want my award.
Why wasn’t anyone from the Lawyers community invited to the ceremony?
(Someone in the audience): They’re busy showering rose petals on killers?
Mr. Warhead, I thought there weren’t any liberal fascists in the audience.
Oh, they must just be some Blackwater guys or Indian infiltrators. We’ll lynch them after the show. Please finish your speech.
Okay. Here it is. Half a kilo carrots; 1 kilo green chilies; 2 boxes of hair dye; 7 … hey. This is the grocery list my boss at Peo TV gave me. Where’s my speech?
You get groceries for your boss?
Yes. So what?
You lucky bugger. All I do is get Dr. Warhead’s groceries and …
Is that a problem?
Of course not, guru.
Did you dry-clean my lal topee?
Who took my speech?
I want my award. Now!
The award’s mine!
General Bull, kindly sit down. I’ve won the award, fair and square.
Where’s the damn speech?
The awards mine, you joker. I fought in the Afghan War. I toppled the Soviet Union. I planned the Kashmir jihad. I killed Darth Vader.
Please General Gul Bull, I also fought in the Afghan War, toppled the Soviet Union, planned the Kashmir jihad and killed Darth Vader. What’s more, I was trained by al-Yoda and am about to invade Bharat …
(Someone from the audience): Yes, on Facebook!
Shut up, traitor!
Where the hell’s my speech?
Give me the award, give me the award …!
The award’s mine, Dr. Kadeem.
See, this is why the ungodly secular pro-drone liberal fascist scum are winning in Pakistan!
They are? I thought there were just 16 of them.
Sixteen are bad enough, fool. Look how just one of them defaced the honor of our beloved Pakistan by winning that imperialist statuette, Oscar, for a demeaning documentary on acid attacks on women.
True. It was all fake.
Yes, just like that Swat flogging video!
Yes. These 16 are winning because we patriotic Islamic-Muslims saviors of Islamic Republic and the ummah and the atom bum are fighting among ourselves on petty issues.
But, but, but … Papa is a major award and it will help me get more and more ‘likes’ on Facebook and further advance my march on Red Fort in New Delhi.
Commotion in the audience
Guru, Maya Khurant just raided the hall!
I Maya. You immoral. This is an outrage! All the men and women in this hall are unmarried! They’re all dating. It’s against our cultural and religious customs. I am here to capture there immoral acts on camera.
Nice dress, Maya.
Thank you. It’s designer stuff.
(Someone in the audience): Are you married to your cameraman?
Then why are you roaming around with him?
Get him! I want shots of him and his girlfriend.
That’s my mom, fool!
That’s not designer stuff you’re wearing.
Where the hell’s my Speech? Dr. Kadeem, please do something.
ENOUGH! We’ve got such great patriots here. How will we be able to wipe-out liberal scum and Indian, American, British, Ahmadi agents, Shezan drinkers and Non-Islamic-Muslims if we continue fighting among ourselves over a small award?
You are right, Dr. Kadeem. We are sorry.
That’s true. Blughhh!
Maya, Dr. Aamir, General Bull and all the other nominees, please come up here and let’s share the award together.
They’re all here. But where’s Dr. Kadeem?
He was just right here … Hey! Where’s the award?
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com
He tweets @NadeemfParacha
The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.