I, Red Warhead Hamid, am proud to host the first installment of the Bin Qasims that would turn sissy imperialist events like the Oscars into Zionist gold standard dust!

So, good looking patriotic ladies who only nod to what I say and karate black belt gentlemen who rightly believe Bruce Lee was mysteriously murdered because he had decided to convert to Islam, let’s begin this glorious ceremony. Please stand up for the national anthem!

*Pakistan national anthem (in Arabic)*

Alhamdulillah! We finally have an anthem in our own language. Okay, now please welcome my co-host for the evening, Mr. Ali Razzmatazzmat!

Hello Ali.

Blughhhh!!

Oh, my. What did you have for breakfast?

Zionist cornflakes!

Ah, it figures. You should have had the Yemeni pancakes that I gave you, fool.

Sorry, guru. I was tricked into eating those disgusting things. I think the Illuminati are trying to poison me. But I washed them down with Coke.

The Illuminati?

No, the cornflakes.

(Someone from the audience): Hey! Coke is also owned by Zionists!

Blughhh!

Oh, my. Ali you must take some medicine.

(Someone from the audience): Hey! All medicine brands are owned by Zionists!

Yes. True. That’s why we need to revive Islamic Science. In fact, our first Bin Qasim award is for the category of Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Scientist. And the nominees are: Dr. Aamir Attack, Dr. Nakir Zaik and the great Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite! Ali, can you please do the honours …

And the winner is, Dr. Blugghh!!!

Really? His name is not on the list …

No, I mean, Doctor … blugghhh!!

For heavens sake, comrade. Throwing up in front of liberal fascists makes sense. Not here. Take a hold of yourself.

Oh. Okay. Can I have some popcorn?

Only the halal ones.

Of course, guru. I’d rather stick my head in a popcorn machine than eat non-halal popcorn!

(Someone from the audience): Hey! What if the machine is made by Zionists too?

Blughhhh!!

Please brother audience. Comrade Ali is a very sensitive man. Zionist bankers are trying to rob him, Hindu baniyas are trying to steal from him, western imperialist multinationals are trying to corrupt him and the Illuminati are trying to give him a haircut …

(Someone from the audience): But he has no hair!

That’s beside the point you Indian agent! Ali, please announce the winner of the best modern Pakistani traditional Islamic scientist.

Okay. And the winner is, Dr. Maurice Bastille Bucaille Bamby Bombshell Bon Voyage Bon Appetite!

*Applause (in Arabic)*

Wonderful! Dr. Maurice kindly come forth and take your Bin Qasim.

Thank you, thank you. This is such an honor. I want to thank Shaikh Bin Saudi Al-Abarbia for …

Is he also a scientist?

No, he’s my financier.

A financier-scientist then.

No, I’m the scientist. He’s the financier.

You mean you’re the Islamic scientist and he’s the Islamic financier?

Yes, even though I’m Christian.

… but the financier is Muslim?

Yes, actually Islamic.

Islamic-Muslim.

Precisely.

Ma’shallah.

Yes. So, thank you to the Islamic-Muslim world for appreciating my book ‘Islamic Nuclear Physics & the Miracle of the Saudi Petro-Dollar’ …

You’re a PhD in physics?

No, I’m a general physician.

An Islamic-Muslim-physicist-physician?

No an Islamic-Muslim-physician-physician-who’s-a-Christian.

An Islamic-Muslim-Christian.

Yes, the pay is good.

And Islamic.

Yes, and …

STOP!

Dr. Aamir Attack. Please take your seat.

No, you @@#$%^&%$#!! I should have won this award! He’s not even a Pakistani!

But he’s done great deeds for the Muslim ummah.

Islamic-Muslim-ummah, mind you.

Yes, Islamic-Muslim-ummah.

I have also done great deeds for Islamic science!

We recognise that, brother doctor, but …

No! How is his book better than my Islamic scientific work that proved that the Pakistan cricket team keeps losing matches because they have green coloured soles underneath their cricket shoes?

It was brilliant work indeed, brother doctor. But some Muslims as opposed to Islamic-Muslims ran a propaganda campaign against you suggesting you are uncouth, abusive and mad!

Alhamdulillah!

I know. Thus, I have decided to give you the award now. Congratulations!

You have?

Yes. It’s yours, brother comrade doctor.

STOP!

Brother Dr. Nakir Zaik, please sit down.

The award should go to me! Brothers and sisters, sisters and brothers, as it is clearly stated in chapter 4, line 2, of paragraph 14 in Lord of the Rings book 3 and scene 77 of The Arrivals …

Comrade cutie, I mean, comrade Ali, please announce the nominees for the next category.

But he’s quoting The Arrivals. It is brilliant films like these that have made men like me and you so intelligent.

Actually you’re right. Dr. Nakir …

Yes, brother and sister, sister and brother.

The award is yours.

Jazzakallah, brother and sister, sister and brother, as is stated in chapter 11, page 14, paragraph 9, line 3 after the 200th full-stop and 277th semi-colon of ‘The Dangers of Shaving’ …

Blughhh!

Its okay, comrade Ali. Shaving is okay if done with a halal razor.

Phew.

Please announce the next category. Pansy.

The next category is for the Best Modern Pakistani Traditional Islamic Historian. And the nominees are: Scholar and former Head Chef of the I As I, General Gul Bull for his book ‘Mian Bin Qasim: The First Pious Benevolent Ruler-General of the Pakistan Army’; brilliant Islamic-physicist and part-time nuclear businessman, Dr. Kadeem Khan, for his book ‘Confessions of a Nuclear Hit Man;’ Dr. Oreo Maqbool Jan-e-Janam for his book ‘Malicious Mughal King Akbar: The Shenanigans of the first Muslim Liberal Fascist;’ and last, but not the least, Doctor, Surgeon, Historian, Military Expert, Revolutionary, Supreme Commander of the coming Ghanzwa-e-Hind and all-round hunk, Red Warhead Hamid for his brilliant, insightful, stimulating, intoxicating, breathtaking, war-making lectures on how to decode the Zionist, Hindu, Western geo-political hold of YouTube by uploading old grainy videos of Dr. Warhead exhibiting his judo skills. And the winner is …

Me!

Of course! And we have invited another athletic patriotic hunk, Jimran Khan to give you this award!

Really? *Sob, sob, weep, weep, sniff, sniff* I’m so happy.

However, Jimran wasn’t able to come to the ceremony, but he has sent a member of his party to represent him. Please welcome, Mr. Ijaz Chaudhry.

Thank you. I want to read Mr. Jimran’s letter. By the way, are there any Ahmadis in the audience?

Astaghfarullah! God forbid!

Good. What about liberal scum?

Bluggghh!! Please, stop it.

Hmm. Any Muslims who aren’t Islamic-Muslims?

Of course not! Please read the letter, already. I want my award.

Why weren’t The Strings invited to the ceremony?

(Someone in the audience): Hey! How come a pop band is not liberal scum?

Mr. Warhead, I thought there weren’t any liberal scum and Ahmadis in the audience.

Oh, they must just be some Blackwater guys or Indian infiltrators. We’ll lynch them after the show. Please read Jimran’s letter.

Okay. Here it is. Half kilo carrots; 1 kilo green chilies; 2 boxes of hair dye; 7 … hey. This is the grocery list that Chairman Jimran gave me. Where’s the letter?

You get Jimran’s groceries?

Yes. So what?

Nothing.

You lucky bugger. All I do is get Dr. Warhead’s groceries and …

Is that a problem?

Of course not guru.

Did you dry clean my lal topee?

Yes, guru.

Who took my letter?

I want my award. Now!

The award’s mine!

General Bull, kindly sit down. I’ve won the award, fair and square.

Where’s the damn letter?

The awards mine, you joker. I fought in the Afghan War. I toppled the Soviet Union. I planned the Kashmir jihad. I killed Darth Vader.

I also fought in the Afghan War, toppled the Soviet Union, planned the Kashmir jihad and killed Darth Vader. What’s more, I am about to invade India …

(Someone from the audience): Yes, through YouTube!

Shut up, traitor!

Where the hell is the letter?

Give me the award, give me the award …!

Oh, bum phatah, oh bum phata … oh bum bluugghh!

ENOUGH!

Dr. Kadeem.

Yes!

The award’s mine, Dr. Kadeem.

See, this is why the ungodly secular pro-drone liberal fascist scum are winning in Pakistan!

They are? I thought there were 16 of them.

Sixteen are bad enough, fool. Look how just one of them defaced the honor of our beloved Pakistan by winning that imperialist statuette, Oscar for a demeaning documentary.

True. And the documentary was a fake.

Yes, just like that Swat flogging video.

Yes! These 16 are wining because we patriotic Islamic-Muslims saviors of Islamic Republic and atom bomb are fighting among ourselves on petty issues.

But, but Bin Qasim is a major award and it will help me get more and more hits on YouTube and further advance my march on Red Fort in New Delhi.

YouTube? Are you calling me a tube?

No, I meant …

*Commotion in the audience*

What’s happening?

Guru, Maya Khant just raided the hall!

This is an outrage! All the men and women in this hall are unmarried! They’re all dating. It’s against our cultural and religious customs. I am here to capture there immoral acts on camera.

Nice dress, Maya.

Thank you. It’s Sana Safinaz. 

(Someone in the audience): Are you married to your cameraman?

No!

(Someone in the audience): Then why are you roaming around with him?

Get him! I want shots of him and his girlfriend.

That’s my mom, fool!

Prove it!

That’s not a Sana Safinaz you’re wearing.

It is!

Prove it!

Where the hell’s my letter?

ENOUGH! We’ve got such great patriots here. How will we be able to wipe-out liberal scum and Indian, American, British, Ahmadi agents, Shezan drinkers and Non-Islamic-Muslims if we continue fighting among ourselves over a small award?

You are right, Dr. Kadeem. We are sorry.

That’s true. Blughhh!

Maya, Dr. Aamir, General Bull and all the other nominees, please come up here and let’s share the award together.

Guru.

What?

They’re all here. But where’s Dr. Kadeem?

He was just right here. Hey! Where’s the award?

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